Dating and Race

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

I knew this was the right place. Guess I was dumb to worry I was doing something wrong by talking to her like a person first and not asking about my race when I asked about I'd they are attracted to. Just great...

Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by PinkieLee

Hello again Dragonfly...

I don't think that you are dumb at all. I think that folks just got a lil' confused as to what kind of input you were looking for. I know that sometimes I have difficulty putting my thoughts into words, and sometimes it just doesn't come out right.

I think that no matter the topic of discussion, that having an open & honest line of communication is always good. If you want to ask questions, do it. There might be questions that your significant other wants to ask. Once you start talking & opening up, the conversation will just start to flow.

Best of luck to you my friend.

If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol

[PinkieLee]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

If you only knew how I hyperventillate and get brain freeze just thinking about her you'd understand why I am soo nervous and shy and scared that will come across as not interested... I forgot names of things yes everyday household things... How can I be expected to post coherently?? Lol

hahahahaha oh honey, have no fear, we have all had those kind of freeze ups around people we are attracted to... it will get a lil' easier with time.

Just be yourself and let the dating fun begin!

[The_Lady_Snow]

You sound like a really nice person, someone
worthy of that will come along soon enough

[Chancie]

I think you are thoughtful to care about another's feelings.

I do think that talking about race can be part of a relationship if

It is interesting and important to both people.

[Dragonfly]

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody!! You guys put me at ease so when she called I wasn't sputtering. And really all I wanted to know is any and all experiences concerning it but where I am personally was basically "is it ok to ask do you date my race" in those early talks... Don't wanna crush so hard on anyone who may not see me as their type whether it be how I look act talk etc.. I think some conversations between others confused me mostly. Anyway, it would be cool if others use this thread for general interacial dating convos but I don't know how that works. Don't start threads and not really ever sure where I'm supposed to put them.

[Nat]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

Just wanted to say thanks to everybody!! You guys put me at ease so when she called I wasn't sputtering. And really all I wanted to know is any and all experiences concerning it but where I am personally was basically "is it ok to ask do you date my race" in those early talks... Don't wanna crush so hard on anyone who may not see me as their type whether it be how I look act talk etc.. I think some conversations between others confused me mostly. Anyway, it would be cool if others use this thread for general interacial dating convos but I don't know how that works. Don't start threads and not really ever sure where I'm supposed to put them.

I have a beautiful, delightful, thoughtful, deep cousin who had a massive crush on a black kid in high school. She felt they had so much in common and she thought he was wonderful. After many months of flirting and getting to know him, she got up the courage to ask him for a date. He turned her down - he said he didn't date outside his race. She was crushed.

But she got over it. I think rejection hurts, and getting your hopes up hurts, but neither one is fatal.

This is not an area where I feel any sort of adeptness, but I will give this a bit of a try. I think your biggest question is whether this person likes you or could be interested in you - and it sounds like your interested in this person. Whether or not this person turns out to be interested in you, I'm going to second Snowy's suggestion that you visit http://www.timwise.org and other sites that discuss antiracism and the way white people act around race. I think otherwise, if you do have the pleasure of dating this person, you may end up letting her carry a heavier burden in the relationship - of having to deal with and carry painful stuff alone at times and possibly sometimes with you as the unknowing source of it.

I knew a woman once who used to joke to me when I was in the midst of reading and learning about white privilege and racism in earnest for the first time - she would say, "I'm not going to be driving Miss Daisy to her realizations about race." Otherwords, do as much of your own work as possible so the POC you know won't feel compelled or burdened unnecessarily by your not having done it. I think part of any serious relationship is being an ally and a friend as well as a lover. It's being there, it's having the other person's back. I think it's good to be equipped.

All that being said, I don't have a lot of experience dating outside my race despite some huge crushes in the past.

I have a hard rule against dating racists, and in my last two relationships I've been really lucky in this regard. Although my current gf (who is white) hasn't done a lick of reading on white privilege and racism, she is very sensitive and empathetic and seems to have a quick and natural understanding in areas where I was and occasionally still am blind. She says she remembers as a teen hearing her mother say something racist and she said to herself, "this cycle is going to end with me." That's a personal commitment of hers and I'm thankful for it.

[waxnrope]

i am still having some difficulty with what you've expressed, Dragonfly, and I take you at your word of being shy and socially inept, so such difficulties may be a combination of factors, including my own misperceptions. So, please hang in there with me as I try to get what you are saying.

Where I pause and scratch my behind now is why you need to ask if a POC dates outside of their race. Why can't you just ask for a date? Do you not think this other person recognizes that there exists a distinction between you?

And why is it important for you to know any and all of their "experience/s"? For ME, asking this, and I don't know you, don't trust you (yet), that would cause, at the least, much discomfort. It would feel, to ME, like you were doing a survey. Am I missing something here? Let me know. Thanks.

[Dragonfly]

Ok thank you for asking publically so that anyone else reading with your interpretation and in depth analyzation can read my thoughts in response. I have never asked anyone on a date. I have never made the first move on someone I have been dating. I am 34 years old. Its not going to change just because of a slight variance in race unless I keep receiving info from supportive friends that given our area and such it really is a valid consideration. In this case since w dicussed so many likes and dislikes I am correct that it is Possible she has waaay more reason to fear hearing the same response I'm afraid of... You have no chance cause of how you were born. Maybe because so many times it is gender or sexuality differences that others have cued me by asking me first. When I said use this thread to talk about something other than why someone doesn't mention race among other things, when like you say "can tell the obvious differences" so I should be my usual passive self and let an opportunity pass me by or ask my peers for perspective somewhere we are encouraged to ask? I wasn't meaning my dates experiences or someone educate me I only meant use a useless thread I don't need because I took good advice already from a pm, that maybe others could talk about their experiences with interracial dating "on this thread" for support not driving miss daisy anything.