Originally Posted by Zora77
I keep coming back to his thread and reading through your responses that all are tremendously helpful. I assume that embarking on this journey will come in many stages and facets that differ greatly from person to person. There is one that I currently am chewing on and not too much has been said about it (maybe because most of the trans folks and their partners who did respond here are on T).
Very true, this experience is going to be tremendously individualized.
I have a few questions for those of you whose partner is pre-T and pre-op: Does he pass? Are you being perceived as a female/male couple? If not, how do you deal with the issue of being perceived as two women? And how does it impact how you perceive your partner and yourself? Does it?
Even pre-T, Dylan sometimes passed and sometimes didn't. Even now, Dylan sometimes passes and sometimes does not. This is a big guessing game for us honestly. We recently got pulled over by a cop because we did not know our taillight was out. She called Dylan "sir." This is not always the case, and it is random and who knows. Sometimes in queer space, Dylan gets "she-d" more than he gets "he-d." This is a phenomenon we have yet to figure out.
For some reason this is something that I do think about at this point because R. does not pass. In appearance and body language he is less ‘masculine’ than some female identified butches I have dated and he is more emotional and sensitive as well – even more than me. In my conversations with friends I run into surprised reactions and disbelief (because they all met him as a woman). And when I’m honest there is this part of me that has doubts and I feel really bad and guilty for having these thoughts.
Let me ask you something if you don't mind, what does the shock and disbelief look like? How does that occur? Either way, it seems rude that this would be a friend's response to you. I don't get it, and I find it problematic, and maybe I've been with Dylan long enough that I don't have much patience for a response like that--shock and disbelief. This is what I was driving at in my initial post, as I think this is a tough ground to navigate and one that folks feel they might have the right to prod you in, that might feel challenging at the very least and downright ghastly uncomfortable at the very worst. You are put into the dilemma of being honest and truthful to your partner, not betraying him in his identity and yet at the same time balancing your friends and their transphobia. And before anyone says, oh come on, now, firie, that isn't entirely transphobic, I would say, well, yes, it absolutely is. How dare they not know enough about the trans community to not get it. How dare they question him or you in that, when they should be excited, happy, and joyful with you in the fact that he is finding and expressing himself. Period. Call me a bitch about that, but there is no excuse for ignorance.
I am also wondering if they do this with R. present? My guess is no. So it is all on you in those situations to handle such inquiry, which is again problematic to me. I don't have much patience, honestly, with people who want to poke and prod. I expect, if not demand, absolute understanding and no personal pushing of boundaries. There are a mountain of books, and people can read them. You are not a personal library for people's freakish curiosities.
I would also say that people's perceptions of Dylan and I do not change the way that Dylan and I are, who we are together. I went into our relationship, however, knowing Dylan was out and a guy. He's been male since his birth, regardless of what society deems him to be. I know that with him, feel that with him, and love that about him. And he is my guy, through and through, regardless of the ignorance, however benign or malicious, of those out there viewing us a certain way. I can speak from this vantage point a bit more easily perhaps because I do not identify as lesbian. I can't imagine what it must be like for out lesbians who must constantly account for their identity in this regard. Tiresome, absolutely tiresome. This isn't his fault or theirs however. It's the person doing all the questioning, the one with all the shock and disbelief. That person is the one who should be doing a little exercise in understanding basic measures of respect.
It would be lovely if some if you could share more about transitioning without T and surgeries. How do you deal with the "but he does not look like a guy" response?
I would ask, "What does a guy look like to you?" and "why do you care?" or maybe "well, he is a guy." I might be so smacked with WTF that I'd have to slam a shot of something, or I don't know, just walk off. I have always been floored by some of the comments made, because I think this is more about the person asking the questions than it is about you or your partner. Would you do that? Would you say this to a friend who identified their partner as male to you after he had been introduced female? Would you go there?
This really challenges me - but ultimately I think it's a good thing.
It's going to be challenging, and it can come from all corners of your life, again, the point I was making with my original post to you. There is some sort of pass that people assume they have to ask you all sorts of questions. I put myself in your shoes here, and well, it would kinda hurt that my partners validity and being were being challenged on appearances or some notion of what a guy is supposed to look like. Why do they care? Maybe a response is, to those questions, "why is this even important to you?"
Thanks.
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09-27-2010, 11:36 PM
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