Ask a trans person!

[Mister Bent]

I relate fully to the stories recounted here of "otherness." At a very young age I felt I was miscategorized, and among my earliest memories are those of feeling I was simply not like other kids. Like Thinker, I can recall having the same crushes as the boys in my class - that new student teacher in third grade, my riding instructor when I was 9. Once I began to have sexualized thoughts, I simply knew that one day I would grow up and have a wife, that I would be somebody's husband. When I thought of sex I visualized myself with a penis, fucking a woman. It was tremendously confusing to me when it became apparent that was not the course I would be encouraged (or able) to follow. Moreso, that there was no other course to follow and for a long time that made me feel cheated.

There were the inevitable battles with my mother over hairstyle, clothes, the cowboy boots I never wanted to take off. I preferred to spend time with my dad learning to shoot, practicing archery, building tree houses and tinkering with our train set.

It was the early to mid 1970s and my only introduction to "alternative lifestyles" was through the feminist lesbians "of choice" friends of my parents. That was most decidedly not what I had in mind, because I never saw myself as a female lover of women.

Today, after almost a decade of soul searching, consideration of my history, my future and a plethora of other avenues (you know the drill) I have turned my focus toward embracing this trans creature that I am, as I am. I want to be seen as just what I am - neither man, nor woman in the *conventional* sense. I choose this liminal existence, between worlds. I used to see that to mean I was perpetually on the threshold to some undefined something else, but if transitioning can be seen as a process of aligning our insides and our outsides, then my personal transition has meant recognizing that, for me, there is no "something else," there is only this. And despite the nonsense I sometimes have to put up with - you know the story - most often it feels just exactly right for me.

[Greyson]

Blue and Bent, good to see both of you guys here with us. I have seen you guys and Thinker around cyberspace for years and your presence is appreciated. Jet, you too. Linus thank you for starting this thread.

[Paphigleo]

Bent...

Because you put your experience out there I would like to ask if you feel you get more or less 'flack' for your genderqueer alignment than you did when ID'ing as "just Butch'?

Has it been a difficult decision to remain transitionless, or was it more of an emotional transition and self acceptance?

~pickin your brain

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Paphigleo

Bent...

Because you put your experience out there I would like to ask if you feel you get more or less 'flack' for your genderqueer alignment than you did when ID'ing as "just Butch'?

Has it been a difficult decision to remain transitionless, or was it more of an emotional transition and self acceptance?

~pickin your brain

Living a life of obvious "otherness" invites flack, and I'm going to guess I don't need to expound on that with this crowd. But is it more or less? I think it's probably about the same. There are still those same people who can't accept that which they don't understand, and those who believe embracing one's masculine nature = misogyny or self hate.

The truth about choosing not to medically or socially transition is that sometimes I read stories like these here, or see the "progress" photos and feel a kind of envy. I'm not overcome by jealousy, but rather a pang of "what if..." I sometimes envy those who can move about in public and be addressed by pronouns that feel comfortable to them, or who can try on a suit jacket and have it hang just right. Small things, I know, but these are just what immediately come to mind.

Frankly, top surgery remains a constant item on my wish list - a change I could make that would help push my internal/external selves just that much more into alignment. I think it would help me clear another hurdle of self-acceptance.

[Hudson]

First of all, what the shit is 'a trans'?

Don't call me that.

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Ben-Her

First of all, what the shit is 'a trans'?

Don't call me that.

Ok. We won't.

Trans is a term that I've seen and have used to refer to transsexual individuals, whether MTF or FTM.

Does the term offend you? If so, I'm curious as to why?

[Hudson]

Originally Posted by Linus

Ok. We won't.

Trans is a term that I've seen and have used to refer to transsexual individuals, whether MTF or FTM.

Does the term offend you? If so, I'm curious as to why?

It's not so much offensive to me personally as it is largely offensive to transgender individuals in general.

Typically, in my personal experience, people referring to "a transgender" or "a trans" are chasers who fetishize trans people (same folks who like the term 'she-male'), who know nothing about trans issues and don't much care because they don't see trans people as people to begin with. The respectful way to refer to a trans person is just like that - "a transgendered person" or "a trans person". "Transsexual" is used more as a noun, but saying "a transsexual person" is more respectful. Or trans woman or trans man. I, personally, am not "a trans". I'm a trans person, a person who is trans, specifically a trans man. I'm a regular guy of extraordinary circumstances. Trans is not all of who I am, which is what is implied by calling someone "a trans".

[StephanieAlexis]

Originally Posted by Mister Bent

Today, after almost a decade of soul searching, consideration of my history, my future and a plethora of other avenues (you know the drill) I have turned my focus toward embracing this trans creature that I am, as I am. I want to be seen as just what I am - neither man, nor woman in the *conventional* sense. I choose this liminal existence, between worlds. I used to see that to mean I was perpetually on the threshold to some undefined something else, but if transitioning can be seen as a process of aligning our insides and our outsides, then my personal transition has meant recognizing that, for me, there is no "something else," there is only this. And despite the nonsense I sometimes have to put up with - you know the story - most often it feels just exactly right for me.

Thank you for sharing this, Mr. Bent. For me your story sums up how transition - however it is defined - becomes such a personal tool empowerment for the one going through it. (How I wish the critics would think about that.)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Mr. Bent,

I really appreciate your last post. Thank you. It hits home for me as well.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by StephanieAlexis

Thank you for sharing this, Mr. Bent. For me your story sums up how transition - however it is defined - becomes such a personal tool empowerment for the one going through it. (How I wish the critics would think about that.)

Thank you, Stephanie. I appreciate your insight - your perspective on my words helps me to see that, too. As well, you have pin pointed for me something I've felt from many of the posts here, but have not been able to quite find the words for, and that is the sense of empowerment that comes from self-actualization.

Sidenote: I think you're giving the critics too much credit when you imply that they think.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by Mister Bent

Sidenote: I think you're giving the critics too much credit when you imply that they think.

Okay, that actually made me snort... but I think you and Stephanie are both onto something here, Bent. One of the things I've noticed is that those who are vociferously anti-transition are almost always coming from a very emotional place, and they really aren't thinking. One cannot reason with them.

Once the emotions are spent, then they start thinking.

BTW, hello Stephanie! Welcome to the Planet!

[Leigh]

Just coming in to say hello to everyone

[Joe Mario]

Hey Guys,

A question about facial hair:
How long should one give it until his facial hair is coming in as fully as it ever will?
Might it take longer than 2.5 - 3 years?

Just wondering...

Thanks,

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Joe Mario

Hey Guys,

A question about facial hair:
How long should one give it until his facial hair is coming in as fully as it ever will?
Might it take longer than 2.5 - 3 years?

Just wondering...

Thanks,

Hey bud...

I wonder about that too. I've read in a few places where that type of growth is still changing for up to 5 years.

I figure that at the 5-year mark, I will have as much as I'm gonna get.

[Jesse]

Well, I have been on T for 12 years now, and my beard started coming in much thicker just this year. I'm wondering when it stops. lol

Originally Posted by Thinker

Hey bud....

I wonder about that too. I've read in a few places where that type of growth is still changing for up to 5 years.

I figure that at the 5-year mark, I will have as much as I'm gonna get.

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Tranzman

Well, I have been on T for 12 years now, and my beard started coming in much thicker just this year. I'm wondering when it stops. lol

NO SHIT!!!!!!?!! Well, that's good to know!

[Star Anise]

When I officially "came out" my first "girlfriend", I use quotation marks because as it turns out he was actually trans, I had absolutely no idea about his gender dysphoria and was generally clueless.

It is a real shame because I know now, in my complete ignorance I probably made his experience much worse, which I feel much grief about still. I have gone out of my way to educate myself through online sources, blogs, youtube (which I have already mentioned in another thread has a wonderful trans community) academic discourse...basically any source I could get my hands on...But I am still very conscious of the fact that it is not a "one size fits all" case.

He was the first and only trans guy that I have been with and it didn't work so well...

Where I am, there is a small trans community, and I know that I have felt myself attracted to a few trans guys, and to be frank I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to have a special relationship with someone that happens to be trans...

But the thing is, I am just so damn scared of putting my foot in it, because though I have tried hard to become more educated, I am not trans myself.

which leads me to my squeamish question...

How do you recommend opening up this sort of communication?

As in, this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you?

I hear complaints from the trans community about cisgendered people just being a pain in the ass, I really don't want to be one those people

Actually any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

[Liam]

Originally Posted by Star Anise

Where I am, there is a small trans community, and I know that I have felt myself attracted to a few trans guys, and to be frank I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to have a special relationship with someone that happens to be trans...

But the thing is, I am just so damn scared of putting my foot in it, because though I have tried hard to become more educated, I am not trans myself.

which leads me to my squeamish question...

How do you recommend opening up this sort of communication?

As in, this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you?

I think its important to establish a friendly interest in someone, before asking questions related to being a transperson, unless you are attending some kind of panel and the audience has been invited to ask questions. While I prefer the direct, to the point questions, when fielding such questions from someone I don't know, I wonder if they consider me a freak or if they have a fetish—and I'm not inclined to be very vulnerable. Have you read The Testosterone Files, by Max Wolf Valerio, Both Sides Now, by Dhillon Khosla, or Just Add Hormones, by Matt Kailey? Perhaps a question relating to one of these books, would be a good way to open a conversation with someone.

This forum is also a good venue to ask questions and gather info from other people's posts.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Star Anise

When I officially "came out" my first "girlfriend", I use quotation marks because as it turns out he was actually trans, I had absolutely no idea about his gender dysphoria and was generally clueless.

It is a real shame because I know now, in my complete ignorance I probably made his experience much worse, which I feel much grief about still. I have gone out of my way to educate myself through online sources, blogs, youtube (which I have already mentioned in another thread has a wonderful trans community) academic discourse...basically any source I could get my hands on...But I am still very conscious of the fact that it is not a "one size fits all" case.

He was the first and only trans guy that I have been with and it didn't work so well...

Where I am, there is a small trans community, and I know that I have felt myself attracted to a few trans guys, and to be frank I would hate to miss out on an opportunity to have a special relationship with someone that happens to be trans...

But the thing is, I am just so damn scared of putting my foot in it, because though I have tried hard to become more educated, I am not trans myself.

which leads me to my squeamish question...

How do you recommend opening up this sort of communication?

As in, this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you?

I hear complaints from the trans community about cisgendered people just being a pain in the ass, I really don't want to be one those people

Actually any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

As a transguy, I am always grateful when someone asks me my preferred pronoun. I am not at all adverse to someone asking me questions about my experience as a trans person. But I think Liam is correct: don't start asking questions as the first thing you talk about with him. However, if your questions are respectful, then it shouldn't be an issue. Saying "this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you" is actually perfect. That is being respectful. I hope this helps.

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by Star Anise

But the thing is, I am just so damn scared of putting my foot in it, because though I have tried hard to become more educated, I am not trans myself.

which leads me to my squeamish question...

How do you recommend opening up this sort of communication?

As in, this is somewhat new to me, and I am not sure that I will totally understand your experience, but I appreciate who you are and I don't want to hurt or patronise you?

I hear complaints from the trans community about cisgendered people just being a pain in the ass, I really don't want to be one those people

Actually any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

I think the most important thing is pretty much the sentiment you've expressed here: that you're willing to hear what trans people have to say. In many respects I think it's like any relationship or friendship with anyone else. You want to hear the person out, respect their identity without necessarily centering your interaction around that particular identity (broadcasting them to the world as the token trans/gay/butch/femme etc. friend) get to know what they're comfortable with, and generally show respect towards them. Just the way some people claim that they're trans or queer "allies" and yet they spend more time telling trans or queer people how to feel than actually listening to what trans or queer people have to say. Or making trans or queer people feel silly or guilty for not being comfortable with certain pronouns, anatomical words, slurs, jokes, "opinions" about their identity, references and so on.

As far as communication, some transfolks just aren't comfortable with talking about trans issues with people they don't know well, or even at all. Some just want to transition and forget about ever being trans, others want to remain as visibly trans as possible, and that might affect how comfortable they are with talking about their experience with transition or gender identity/expression. As far as asking about pronouns and such, I don't think most transfolks would take offense if you asked about a preferred pronoun. I think many transfolks just appreciate when people make an effort to use the correct pronouns/names, to refer to their bodies in a way that doesn't trigger dysphoria. Also just wanted to add that reading is great, but each trans person is different, so you can't always assume something is true for all transguys because one transguy happens to feel that way. I guess just remaining open and respectful.