Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[bigbutchmistie]

Yes they knew that's where I was sent ar 18 to meet with a bus ticket.

Some people should adopt and others should never be allowed to.

I know this sunject is hard for everyone hugs all around

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

Yes they knew that's where I was sent ar 18 to meet with a bus ticket.

Some people should adopt and others should never be allowed to.

I know this sunject is hard for everyone hugs all around

You have to have a licence to fish, but anyone can have a baby.

Crazy isn't it?

[Diva]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

You have to have a licence to fish, but anyone can have a baby.

Crazy isn't it?

It is.

[bigbutchmistie]

Yep It Is crazy

[Rockinonahigh]

apocaliptic
my grannie was my bio grannie,she was from the old country Italy as she called it,her family heritage was a hodgepodeg of things.Mostly Italian,some spanish a bit from romainia.Grand pa was full scicilain,younger son who took his inheratence off to the new world(usa).The family rumor was that grannie had the gift and was some sort of seer,she read cards,had chryistels ect.She could almost anser many questions before I could ask them.No,she never would teach me anything no matter how hard I tryed to get her to,said it had no place in the up and comeing world I lived in.To bad cause I would love to know the things she did.
Rockin

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I agree some people shouldn't be allowed to adopt or have babies....


My real mother is one of those people, she was in essence a HO, I can say that cuz that's my birthmom. She has 7 other kids besides me, I was the only one given up for adoption, my only brother is in prison for murder and is a lifer, my sisters are addicts with children by different men (ala Jerry Springer and Maury show type).

I have been told there are 2 men who can possibly be my father but my mother lies so much I am not sure I can trust her but with her track record, I can kinda see how that could be possible.

I am either from Oilfield Trash or Cattle Rancher trash LOL, either one isn't bad, just wish I knew which one I was.

[Rockinonahigh]

Dealing with and liveing threw this crazy often hurtfull life of mine,I at this point realise even tho it was in many was a liveing hell that I wouldnt wish on anyone....That I have servived it to be a better person,more understanding of others,that im still an open book waiting for new chapters to be whriten(sp?GRRRR).They may have bent the hell out of me but didnt break my soul or my mind.Somewhere I read what dosent break u will make u stronger,it took me a long time to understand that fully,now that I do get it,that statement is wort its weight in gold...tho I dont chose to repete the experence,wish I had come to this place by a better road..I did get hear with the help of good people,places like bfp who I share experences with.I hope I have helped u as much as u have me.Just remember this.....We are her,doing what we can to get threw every day the best we can.No matter what or how we live we are viable in this world.For me as with many who go threw all this bs we achived much and will contenue as life keeps going.
Rockin

[Apocalipstic]

It is great, I agree, to have people we can discuss all this with. Not knowing your background or where you come from is scary and something many people do not understand.

They think we should be thankful that someone adopted us, "took us in", as it were....like we will forever be tainted by our illegitimacy.

It boggles my mind that in this day and age, people still think lying to kids and feeling like its the right thing to do.


I would not wish adoption on anyone, and have spent most of my life wishing that abortion had been legal when I was conceived. I do not get how it seems to be a better idea to give a family member away to people you do not know. Anything can happen to a defenseless baby. And people say they give away their children out of love. Whatever.

I am a huge proponent of using birth control. It needs to be available everywhere. On every street corner.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

You have to have a licence to fish, but anyone can have a baby.

Crazy isn't it?

Tell me about it. I have often thought the same thought or similar. And so many are afraid that the Queers are going to destroy the children? I am not adopted but one of my ex girlfriends and now a very good friend/family she is adopted. I have seen her struggle for years not knowing. Thank you to all of you for sharing your stories with us.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

On the topic of good and bad genes...

anyone think they got the bad genes?

[FeminineAllure]

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/labno...t-depends.aspx

[Bit]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I know no one gives a shit about my pain really (or anyone else's). I totally get that.

Two words: STOP THAT! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}} What you really know--and know from experience--is that people DO care about you, about your pain, about your life.

Hon, when a person is hurting like all hell every little thing makes it worse, and it's so easy to believe that people are telling one to just go away... but then, maybe that's an echo of the first "go away"?

I think it would probably be impossible to believe that a birth parent had one's best interests at heart if the adoptive parents turn out to be abusive. I know it seems like the world's biggest injustice. I know that a prom seems totally insignificant compared to a lifetime of torture...

...and I remember the 1960s....when a man owned--literally, like a car or a house--a man owned his daughter and her body in the US. Permission to go to the prom might have been a reward for your mother's compliance, Jen, but you would have been given up no matter what, because your mother had no legal rights whatever and would have had none no matter what age she might have been. A woman was her father's legal property, or that of his male heir, until she married and became her husband's legal property.

Your mother had no choice, Jen, even though it sounded to you like she did. She had no choice. It was a completely different world. She might today mention the prom casually as if it were important, but back then girls knew when they did and didn't have a choice. The prom was a sop, something to pacify her so he didn't have to endure her grief and pain.

(The strength of the Women's Libbers to endure society's rage in the 1960s just blows me away... I don't know that I could have been that strong. I do know that they wouldn't recognize this world which is our legacy from them, except as it lived in their hearts: that no woman should be the property of anyone but herself. Goddess, how the world has changed!)

So Jen, I understand that you have been doubly betrayed--but I believe it was your grandfather who betrayed you the first time, not your mother.

For what it's worth, darlin, I understand about your father's death finally letting you be free enough to deal with this buried pain. I'm sure it caught you completely off guard--things coming up after someone dies have caught me off guard too *wry smile*--and I think you'll be able to deal with it and process it in your own time, but oy! doesn't it make life uncomfortable in the meantime?!

There's this book I am once AGAIN trying to read, called [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Legacy-Heart-Spiritual-Advantage-Childhood/dp/0671797840"]Legacy of the Heart[/ame] by Wayne Muller. He's a minister who spent years working with people who survived abusive childhoods. I usually have to stop partway through it because it brings up such ferocious anger in me, and that interferes with my relationship with my mother. But this last time when I started it, I realized that each time I come back to it, I've made a lot of progress in dealing with my childhood pain and anger.

If you can handle the fact that the book is written by a minister, I highly recommend it. He periodically quotes from several faiths, mostly Christian and Buddhist but sometimes others, but he doesn't seem to need to preach the necessity of belief at anyone---tis more like offering reassurance to those who need spiritual backup---and he seems to really understand what it does to people to have lived through such difficult lives, to have suffered so enormously as children.

[~Red~]

I was adopted when I was 4mo's old, before that I was in foster care. From what I can gather, my birth mother was young, unmarried and Jewish.The father was Cree/Scottish, not a good combination. The young woman was pressured into giving me up because of racial issues on the side of the birth mother's family. Back in the 60's having a child that is part native was seriously frowned upon.

So here I am. I knew I was adopted very early, my folks didn't want me to have any issues. My cousin is adopted as well, and is bitter and a very angry person.

I did start a search for my birth mother when I was 20, as I was having some health issues that could be due to genetics. So I did get a hold of her, our conversation was pretty brief, I found out my genetic history including my own cultural background. I was very grateful for that, but neither of us wanted to persue a relationship - her for the fact she wanted that part of her past to remain so and I because she had no right to be.

My own hell started after my adoption. From the time I can remember, I was verbally attacked and threatened to be sent back the agency. The older I got the assaults became physical as well. I ended up being a very angry teen and young adult. I had major abandonment issues which have only dissipated in the last decade or so.

What I am mad at is that these agencies don't check deep enough into the prospective parents even to this day. It should not be a given that every person has the right to have/adopt a chld. I know a person who actually sued the agency and settled out of court. My was through the gov't and there was no way to get recourse.

On the flip side of all of this, I have become a kind, loving and very affectionate person. I make sure the folks in my life know how important and loved they are. I wouldn't be the person I am today I don't think without my childhood being so messed up.

~Red~

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Bit

Two words: STOP THAT! {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Jen}}}}}}}}}}}}}} What you really know--and know from experience--is that people DO care about you, about your pain, about your life.

Hon, when a person is hurting like all hell every little thing makes it worse, and it's so easy to believe that people are telling one to just go away... but then, maybe that's an echo of the first "go away"?

I think it would probably be impossible to believe that a birth parent had one's best interests at heart if the adoptive parents turn out to be abusive. I know it seems like the world's biggest injustice. I know that a prom seems totally insignificant compared to a lifetime of torture...

...and I remember the 1960s....when a man owned--literally, like a car or a house--a man owned his daughter and her body in the US. Permission to go to the prom might have been a reward for your mother's compliance, Jen, but you would have been given up no matter what, because your mother had no legal rights whatever and would have had none no matter what age she might have been. A woman was her father's legal property, or that of his male heir, until she married and became her husband's legal property.

Your mother had no choice, Jen, even though it sounded to you like she did. She had no choice. It was a completely different world. She might today mention the prom casually as if it were important, but back then girls knew when they did and didn't have a choice. The prom was a sop, something to pacify her so he didn't have to endure her grief and pain.

(The strength of the Women's Libbers to endure society's rage in the 1960s just blows me away... I don't know that I could have been that strong. I do know that they wouldn't recognize this world which is our legacy from them, except as it lived in their hearts: that no woman should be the property of anyone but herself. Goddess, how the world has changed!)

So Jen, I understand that you have been doubly betrayed--but I believe it was your grandfather who betrayed you the first time, not your mother.

For what it's worth, darlin, I understand about your father's death finally letting you be free enough to deal with this buried pain. I'm sure it caught you completely off guard--things coming up after someone dies have caught me off guard too *wry smile*--and I think you'll be able to deal with it and process it in your own time, but oy! doesn't it make life uncomfortable in the meantime?!

There's this book I am once AGAIN trying to read, called Legacy of the Heart by Wayne Muller. He's a minister who spent years working with people who survived abusive childhoods. I usually have to stop partway through it because it brings up such ferocious anger in me, and that interferes with my relationship with my mother. But this last time when I started it, I realized that each time I come back to it, I've made a lot of progress in dealing with my childhood pain and anger.

If you can handle the fact that the book is written by a minister, I highly recommend it. He periodically quotes from several faiths, mostly Christian and Buddhist but sometimes others, but he doesn't seem to need to preach the necessity of belief at anyone---tis more like offering reassurance to those who need spiritual backup---and he seems to really understand what it does to people to have lived through such difficult lives, to have suffered so enormously as children.

Bit, you may be the most kind woman I know. Hugs.

You are right, in fact I remember my adopted dad telling me in the 60's that he had complete control of me and could do whatever he wanted to to me and no one could or would do anything. No one would believe me, becasue he was a missionary and evangelist. Yes, it had to be my grandparents...which still is creepy, but maybe not as?

I will get that book. Thank you!

I do feel kind of silly at 46 going through this and it is hard to hear things like it's beating a dead horse or that they loved me sooo much, they gave me up, which I think is crap. It really never occurred to me that some of my issues were from adoption. I thought it was all my dad and being queer.

I don't want anyone to think that I have used being adopted as an excuse not to excell...in fact, I have excellent coping skills...while still having health and mental health issues steming from trauma and abuse.

Thank you as always for being such a supportive friend. You consistently make a difference in my life.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by NotAnAverageGuy

On the topic of good and bad genes...

anyone think they got the bad genes?

I think that adoption in itself can casue so many problems, Its difficult to see what the genes would have created if we had not been adopted.

Have I had lots of mental problems in my life? YES.