The Gendering of the Young

[Jess]

Originally Posted by Nat

I've had several facebook friends link to this blog post recently - and I think it fits this thread pretty perfectly. I found it especially interesting how the other moms were the main source of bs - not the other kids.

The Today show picked up on this story and actually handled it quite well. Here is their interview with this mom and the author of My Princess Boy, the mother of a vibrant young boy who enjoys all things "pink and pretty"

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/400693...day-parenting/

and here is the link to the author's page for her book

http://myprincessboy.com/


It was actually refreshing to hear them discuss even briefly the gender issues instead of the tired old " it will make your kid gay" rhetoric.

[Greyson]

Prudence is an "Advice Columnist" of the same genre as "Dear Abby." I thought her advice was informative and a couple of references in her reply supplied two very pertinent links. I highlighted them in blue at the bottom of the post.


All I Want for Christmas

Prudie's advice on a boy who begged Santa for a skirt

By Emily Yoffe

Dear Prudence:
I am the father of a bright, artistic, and thoughtful 5-year-old boy. He enjoys playing dress-up and, from time to time, putting on his mother's shoes or jewelry and declaring that he is a girl. Recently, when my wife and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he told us he wanted a skirt so that he could be a girl. We weren't sure whether he was serious, but when he saw Santa at the mall, he very earnestly declared that he wanted a skirt. Since that time, he has written several letters to Santa, and in each he has asked for a skirt. (As an aside, we gladly let him dress up as the Wicked Witch of the West for Halloween, which provoked some stares and insensitive comments, to which he was thankfully oblivious.) While we want him to be his own person and be comfortable in his own shoes (ruby or otherwise), my wife and I aren't sure whether to honor this request, as he undoubtedly will want to wear the skirt outside of the home eventually, which leads to a series of difficult conversations that we aren't prepared to have with a kindergartener. Yet we know he will be heartbroken if Santa does not bring him a skirt of his own.

—Conflicted at Christmas

Dear Conflicted,
How lucky that your son has parents such as you, who will adore him, ruby slippers and all. It's too early to know for sure where his desire to dress up will lead. But studies show that little boys with a persistent interest in wearing girls' clothes, and who have other nonconforming gender behaviors, have a strong likelihood of eventually identifying themselves as gay. If that is the case for your son, when the time comes for him to come out, happily for your relationship with him, it will come as no surprise. My colleague Hanna Rosin's fascinating piece about these children makes the important point that the vast majority are not transsexual. To the concrete-thinking mind of a 5-year-old boy who likes typically girly things, saying he's a girl is a way to express this interest. I spoke with Catherine Tuerk, co-founder of the Gender and Sexuality Development Program at the Children's National Medical Center. She said it's very important that you have a talk with your son because you've got reassuring news to tell him: that although he may suspect he's the only boy who feels the way he does, actually there are a lot of boys like him, and as he gets older, he will make friends with many of them. Explain to him that there are different kinds of boys—he's a boy who's interested in things girls also like, and that's terrific. You can tell him some boys act more like bumblebees, some like butterflies.

When he opens his present, he will see that Santa heard his plea and delivered a skirt. But Tuerk said you need to have another conversation, one that's going to be a little harder, about the skirt. You have to explain to him that not everybody understands how many different kinds of boys there are, and so if he wears his skirt to the playground, or to school, there are going to be people who say mean things or make fun of him. Tell him you want to figure out the places he can wear his skirt—at home, maybe grandma's, etc.—where he can enjoy it and feel comfortable. This conversation is not about conveying shame, but about giving your child good options, and not locking him into a limited identity ("The boy who dresses like a girl!") with his classmates. As Tuerk points out, often as these boys get a little older the intense desire to dress up wanes, and they find other avenues—art classes, theater—to express their interest in beauty and fabulousness. There are many conversations ahead for all of you, and at the CNMC Web site are materials on childhood gender issues, book suggestions for you and your son, and information about support groups. Talking about your bright, thoughtful, artistic son with other parents of similar children will benefit you and your darling butterfly.

—Prudie

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/11/a-boy-apos-s-life/7059/5#

http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Id=6178&Type=Program&Name=Gender%20an d%20Sexuality%20Development%20Program

http://www.slate.com/id/2277578?wpisrc=newsletter

[Medusa]

I had a really sweet encounter today at Wal-Mart.

Jack and I were in the condiment aisle and looked up and saw a mother and two children pass; one boy and one girl.

The little boy was wearing a full-length black and white (maybe chinchilla?) fur coat. It was dragging the ground and practically dwarfed him.

The family were walking down the center traffic aisle and lots of people were staring. Some folks high-fived the little boy. One man fist-pumped and said "He is Big Pimpin'!"

I hustled down the aisle to get a better look and the Mom kinda turned toward me and smiled this huge smile. I rounded the corner and little man was drawing some major attention with people smiling huge and being pretty jovial.

His Mom turned around and smiled at me again and I said, "He is adorable! Is that his coat or yours?"
Her response was pretty amazing, "Well, it's mine but he was cold when we got out of the car and he wanted to wear it. I let him wear whatever he wants."

That was when the little boy turned around and faced me. His entire mouth was covered in hot pink glittery lip gloss.

I said something like, "Hey little man! How old are you?"

He held up 4 fingers (although it might have been 5 because his little hand wasnt open all the way) and that was when his sister informed me that she was 3 and smiled to reveal a mouth full of silver-capped teeth.

I asked Mom if I could take a picture of him from the back to remember for a piece of art. She said, "Sure!" I couldnt believe it!

The way Mom looked down at him so lovingly told me all I needed to know about how she was raising him. This wasnt an ignorant woman, she seemed to just want her son to be happy.

My heart was lifted. <3

[Soon]

Gendered toy marketing, word cloud edition.

By VANESSA | Published: APRIL 22, 2011

Hot damn, I love word clouds. This blogger create these based on two lists of products marketed as “girls” and “boys” toys, and the words used in television commercials advertising them.

[Nat]

That's really interesting. Thanks for posting that.

[Xavi]

Word clouds are awesome, and really useful. I'm very visual, and those bring home to me in a super direct way the things that disturb me the most about how toys are gendered.

Ana and I have thought about how we would raise children and struggled a lot with trying to figure out how to raise kids in a way that would most enable them to organically and unafraid-ly (is that a word? I don't think so.) express their own identity. So far, I think green and yellow are really good primary colors for baby rooms and what not.

I don't have the links on hand, but I've read about adults identifying all babies and children as boys unless they have some sort of really obvious female or feminine constructed traits or accessories, like pink hair bows and clothing, or very long hair.

I think what I struggle with the most about this, aside from what would happen when my kids go to school and are exposed to lots of gender policing from adults and other kids, is that sort of gender essentialist phase that lots of kids seem to go through when they're somewhere in between toddlers and in junior high. I don't know if that's really a part of how young brains process and learn about sex and gender, or more about the things they learn from other people.

By gender essentialist phase, I mean that phase where a lot of female children decide they're fairy princesses because they're a girl and male children decide they're rambo because they're a boy. Obviously this has a lot to do with marketing as well, as the word clouds show. Mostly this all makes me want to get a degree in psychology or something before raising kids.

[EnderD_503]

@Greyson's All I Want For Christmas Post:

I'm not sure. I think my feelings are mixed on the advice Prudence gave. On the one hand, I understand why she would suggest that the boy only wear his skirt at home/at grandparent's place and so on. On the other hand, I think if a boy wants to wear a skirt and still be a boy then I think other kids and adults as well should be exposed to that. Sure, explain to him that some people might not have nice things to say about his wearing a skirt, but if decided that he wanted to wear the skirt to school...maybe talk to his teachers about it? That way they at least know what's going on and can look out for him.

Reminds me of the film Ma vie en rose a little. But yes, I think it's important not to shame kids who might want to dress outside typical "gendered clothing" and I understand that Prudence was trying to avoid that and commend her for it. At the same time, I think limiting the time he could wear his skirt might still have that "shaming" effect...as though there is something wrong with it that he'd only be able to wear it hidden from the view of his classmates.

[ana]

I agree, it's super disturbing how kids' things are so very gendered.

I read that column the post above me refers to, and I was a bit conflicted. I get where the author was going with the whole "wear the skirt in safer spaces" advice, but it also seems kinda crappy. I mean, it's like saying to your kid, "Yay! You're awesome! Be whoever you are! Umm, well, unless you're here... or here ... How about we stick to grandma's house?"

At the same time, the super protective femmeness comes out in me, and I'm determined to protect the beautiful, awesome, queerness of kids from the world so that they can be who they are and figure out where they fit without the jerks raining on their pride parade.

[Soon]

Family Describes Anti-Sissy Therapy