Were you adopted in a closed adoption?

[Jet]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

Although I only know most of you through photos and your posts I would like to tell you I am happy you were not aborted. And there is a good reason you were not.

You are all so handsome and beautiful! Inside and out. And your thoughts, opinions and experiences are all worth being here to share with others. Not to mention the people you have met and partner/s lives you have touched deeply or are meant to meet in the near future. Their lives will be changed for the better by yours.
There are no mistakes.

My life is a mistake, trust me.

[iamkeri1]

I hope you will not feel it an intrusion for me to post here. I am an adoptive Mom. Hubby and I adopted four kids who had been our foster kids, a sib group, the youngest four out of seven children we know of.

Their mother was a drug addict, and while not exactly a prostitute, let's just say she usually had some guy or another around to provide money. While in her custody, the kids saw her get beaten multiple times, shot at, and stabbed. She used drugs in front of them and when they were hungry she sent them to the corner store where she had credit established, but when the credit ran out, she knew they would steal to survive.

I'm just giving you this background to say that even though she was a pretty awful mother, I thought for a long time that it would have been easier on the kids to stay with her. It costs the state a great deal of money to "protect" kids who are in foster care. There is the cost of the court, the judge, the attornies, the court building, the therapists, the social workers, the paperwork, etc. etc. Then they pay the foster parents to take care of the kids. I assure you this is not much. For what you call a "generic" kids in MI, you get 50 cents per hour. Generic, now isn't that a great name for a kid?

If some of this money had been used to get help for the mother, maybe she would have been able to keep them. If she had been de-toxed and sent to a program. If she had a parenting coach to work with her in the home, showing her good disciplinary methods, and how to handle her own anger. If she had had a babysitter a few hours a week, or someone to call for help when she was jonesing at 3 o'clock in the morning. If someone had arrested the guys who were beating her up. I don't know if it would have worked, but I feel trying to help the birth parents is usually a better solution than taking the kids away. She is supposedly clean right now, so maybe she could have gotten clean then with help. She is still very low functioning. She lives in a residential hotel and provideds janitorial services in exchange for rent. She shares her room with a man who is supposed to be her husband. She gets a lot of her food from her oldest child, my kids's sister. But she is clean, and that is worth a lot. Unfortunately, to my daughter that is like another wound. "Why couldn't she get clean when she had us?, she asks.

Their adoption has always been open in a sense, because they were all old enough at the time to remember being adopted. The older sister has always been in contact with the mother, and a strong proponent of the kids recognizing that she is their mother. Except for my daughter, none of them have wanted to meet her, but nonetheless she has always been a part of our lives. We have always talked openly about their family. (All the kids have different dads and knowledge of them is limited mostly to their names.)

We have always been in contact with their older sister, whom they adore. (She did not want to join our family. She is racially mixed, identified with her African American ancestry, and didn't want to grow up in a white home, though my two youngest boys are 1/2 A A too.) I have always praised, honored, and thanked her, because she largely raised the kids (She is four years older than my oldest son.), at great cost to herself. She did not go to school much and is barely literate. Needless to say, caring for her mother and six other kids, she did not have much of a childhood. She now is married and has four kids of her own. She seems to be a good loving mother.

There are many tales to tell about the suffering my kids have gone through both with, and as a result of having been taken away from their mother. When hubby died six years ago, that was a blow that I am not yet sure we as a family have survived. I hope we will make it. But more than that, I hope THEY will make it. I hope they will learn to love themselves enough to be happy adults, or at least functional adults.

I will continue to read this thread, looking for continued help with understanding my kids needs, and explanations for myself as to the reasons for some of the gaps there appear to be in their ability to function in a familial relationship, or even have close friends. If you allow me, I will post every once in a while. If I can help anyone, please let me know.

Lastly I just want to add that there is a reason I finally decided it was a good thing that the kids were removed from their mothers home. Four years ago, when my oldest son was 17 and in a drug treatment program, he called me, crying, to tell me that he had just revealed at a therapy session that his mother had used him in sex acts with men to earn money for drugs. He had never been able to tell this to us before, he said, because it was so awful to him that he could not even say the words. Four years later this beautiful, hardworking young man is in prison. At 18 he stole a car so he could go buy drugs, drove through four counties fleeing the police, and only stopped when they rammed into the car and drove him off the road. He has attempted suicide twice while in prison, and every time the caller ID shows a number from the area he is locked up, I am afraid they are calling me to tell me he is dead.

I have certainly not been a perfect mother, I have made many mistakes. They certainly have not been perfect either. I hope someday we will all be all be able to forgive each other. Our goal when we adopted to them was to keep them together. That I have done. And I have stood by them, no matter what. I hope their future tales of me will not be as filled with pain as some of the stories you tell.

Blessings to you all. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and heal all your pain.
Smooches,
Keri

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by FeminineAllure

I was adopted in a closed adoption at 3 days old. Life was always dysfunctional with my family and still is up to this very day. But I would not trade my life with them. I learned alot.
I know my birth mothers name and age and that my biological father was her boyfriend. She was divorced at the time and already had 3 children is as much as I know.
I have my original birth certificate and my name was Joy on it. I was named Lisa Marie.
I was told I was adopted as early as I could comprehend what that meant. I have two brothers one adopted one 9 years younger than me who is their biological son. I feel equally as close to both my brothers.
I am sorry for all of those that had bad experiences with being adopted. My life was not always the best either. I just don't want to go into depth with some of my personal experiences.
There was abuse, there was alcoholism.
But I believe I chose my parents. My experiences both bad and the good made me who I am today and I am happy how I turned out. If I was raised by my biological family there are no gaurantees it would have been any better.
I have no desire to meet my birth family. I feel I was put up for adoption not the other way around. So It is up to her to search for me. I would not be opposed to meeting them but it's not a need of mine if I never do.

Thank you so much for posting!

How cool you got to find out what your first name was, so many of us don't get to I wonder what my name would have been, and when I met my bio half brothers and sister, I called myself her name in my head for a while, wondering if her name was the one I would have had, had I been kept. Silly I know.

I did not search for my birthparents either, they searched for me. It was all very surreal.

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

I hope you will not feel it an intrusion for me to post here. I am an adoptive Mom. Hubby and I adopted four kids who had been our foster kids, a sib group, the youngest four out of seven children we know of.

Their mother was a drug addict, and while not exactly a prostitute, let's just say she usually had some guy or another around to provide money. While in her custody, the kids saw her get beaten multiple times, shot at, and stabbed. She used drugs in front of them and when they were hungry she sent them to the corner store where she had credit established, but when the credit ran out, she knew they would steal to survive.

I'm just giving you this background to say that even though she was a pretty awful mother, I thought for a long time that it would have been easier on the kids to stay with her. It costs the state a great deal of money to "protect" kids who are in foster care. There is the cost of the court, the judge, the attornies, the court building, the therapists, the social workers, the paperwork, etc. etc. Then they pay the foster parents to take care of the kids. I assure you this is not much. For what you call a "generic" kids in MI, you get 50 cents per hour. Generic, now isn't that a great name for a kid?

If some of this money had been used to get help for the mother, maybe she would have been able to keep them. If she had been de-toxed and sent to a program. If she had a parenting coach to work with her in the home, showing her good disciplinary methods, and how to handle her own anger. If she had had a babysitter a few hours a week, or someone to call for help when she was jonesing at 3 o'clock in the morning. If someone had arrested the guys who were beating her up. I don't know if it would have worked, but I feel trying to help the birth parents is usually a better solution than taking the kids away. She is supposedly clean right now, so maybe she could have gotten clean then with help. She is still very low functioning. She lives in a residential hotel and provideds janitorial services in exchange for rent. She shares her room with a man who is supposed to be her husband. She gets a lot of her food from her oldest child, my kids's sister. But she is clean, and that is worth a lot. Unfortunately, to my daughter that is like another wound. "Why couldn't she get clean when she had us?, she asks.

Their adoption has always been open in a sense, because they were all old enough at the time to remember being adopted. The older sister has always been in contact with the mother, and a strong proponent of the kids recognizing that she is their mother. Except for my daughter, none of them have wanted to meet her, but nonetheless she has always been a part of our lives. We have always talked openly about their family. (All the kids have different dads and knowledge of them is limited mostly to their names.)

We have always been in contact with their older sister, whom they adore. (She did not want to join our family. She is racially mixed, identified with her African American ancestry, and didn't want to grow up in a white home, though my two youngest boys are 1/2 A A too.) I have always praised, honored, and thanked her, because she largely raised the kids (She is four years older than my oldest son.), at great cost to herself. She did not go to school much and is barely literate. Needless to say, caring for her mother and six other kids, she did not have much of a childhood. She now is married and has four kids of her own. She seems to be a good loving mother.

There are many tales to tell about the suffering my kids have gone through both with, and as a result of having been taken away from their mother. When hubby died six years ago, that was a blow that I am not yet sure we as a family have survived. I hope we will make it. But more than that, I hope THEY will make it. I hope they will learn to love themselves enough to be happy adults, or at least functional adults.

I will continue to read this thread, looking for continued help with understanding my kids needs, and explanations for myself as to the reasons for some of the gaps there appear to be in their ability to function in a familial relationship, or even have close friends. If you allow me, I will post every once in a while. If I can help anyone, please let me know.

Lastly I just want to add that there is a reason I finally decided it was a good thing that the kids were removed from their mothers home. Four years ago, when my oldest son was 17 and in a drug treatment program, he called me, crying, to tell me that he had just revealed at a therapy session that his mother had used him in sex acts with men to earn money for drugs. He had never been able to tell this to us before, he said, because it was so awful to him that he could not even say the words. Four years later this beautiful, hardworking young man is in prison. At 18 he stole a car so he could go buy drugs, drove through four counties fleeing the police, and only stopped when they rammed into the car and drove him off the road. He has attempted suicide twice while in prison, and every time the caller ID shows a number from the area he is locked up, I am afraid they are calling me to tell me he is dead.

I have certainly not been a perfect mother, I have made many mistakes. They certainly have not been perfect either. I hope someday we will all be all be able to forgive each other. Our goal when we adopted to them was to keep them together. That I have done. And I have stood by them, no matter what. I hope their future tales of me will not be as filled with pain as some of the stories you tell.

Blessings to you all. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and heal all your pain.
Smooches,
Keri

I am glad you posted and so happy that you were able to take these kids and keep most of the bothers and sisters together, as well as encouraging contact with the older sibling! It says so much for you as a person that the kids background does not make you feel threatened!

Knowing where you come from and that you have a blood attachment to your family or origin is so important on a primal level I think.

Poor kids.

I wish the state could do more to help families in distress too, most agencies that could are incredibly overworked.

I just know you are a great Mom.!

[Apocalipstic]

I have been reading on how to heal, and I wonder if any of you have gone to an adption support group?

I wonder if speaking to some birth mothers who gave away their kids would make me heal or make me even more angry.

[bigbutchmistie]

When I was adopted they changed my middle name and my last name. They kept mine and my brother's first names. Our middle names have significant meaning. The foster parents that knew my adopted parents that introduced us. We took their names as middle names. I know what my born name is. When I met my real mom, and she and I developed a close relationship I wanted to change it back. After her death in 2001. I havent even thought about doing it again. Guess that would be something that I could do.

I am truly grateful for the fact that my brother and I were not separated. I dont know how I would have survived the years of abuse without him.

I went to therapy for years to get past my anger at them. Now, I dont feel badly regarding their choice of not having me in their lives.

I still have problems around this time of the year. Due to the fact I have flashbacks of being locked in my room for days and brought out only to clean up after their Christmas with my brother. And so many other abuse during this time of the year. Doctor's have said that is normal.

What a difference years make. I now have a relationship with the foster mom and dad who had to give up a chance of adopting us because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Recently, I finally came out to her. And even though she was religious she still is accepting. Its great to have that out on the table. And to know they accept.

I have often wondered if the reason I dont want kids or wanna be with someone with kids is because of my childhood.

We all have horror stories and while they are horrible and things are hurtful. Its made us the quality individuals we are today. And as someone stated earlier in a post any partner or person now or in the future proud to have us in their lives.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by bigbutchmistie

When I was adopted they changed my middle name and my last name. They kept mine and my brother's first names. Our middle names have significant meaning. The foster parents that knew my adopted parents that introduced us. We took their names as middle names. I know what my born name is. When I met my real mom, and she and I developed a close relationship I wanted to change it back. After her death in 2001. I havent even thought about doing it again. Guess that would be something that I could do.

I am truly grateful for the fact that my brother and I were not separated. I dont know how I would have survived the years of abuse without him.

I went to therapy for years to get past my anger at them. Now, I dont feel badly regarding their choice of not having me in their lives.

I still have problems around this time of the year. Due to the fact I have flashbacks of being locked in my room for days and brought out only to clean up after their Christmas with my brother. And so many other abuse during this time of the year. Doctor's have said that is normal.

What a difference years make. I now have a relationship with the foster mom and dad who had to give up a chance of adopting us because she had been diagnosed with breast cancer. Recently, I finally came out to her. And even though she was religious she still is accepting. Its great to have that out on the table. And to know they accept.

I have often wondered if the reason I dont want kids or wanna be with someone with kids is because of my childhood.

We all have horror stories and while they are horrible and things are hurtful. Its made us the quality individuals we are today. And as someone stated earlier in a post any partner or person now or in the future proud to have us in their lives.

So glad you got to grow up with your brother and know your name

Chritmas makes me really anxious, lot's of bad memories for me too.