StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

[Gemme]

I am not a stepmonster, but I have one. I've had several step "dads" too. In general, the guys failed miserabley, one way or another and my one stepmom has been pretty decent.

Some of the things she did/does that doesn't irk and/or alienate me and makes her quite tolerable:

She tries, but not too hard.
She never tried to 'replace' my mom.
She's always been very thoughtful towards me (cards, gifts, writing letters).
She's always had open arms for me when I wanted to talk but never tried to push or pull me towards her.
She has always treated me like another person, not talking down to me or treating me like an object to be lobbed back and forth during custody issues.
She makes suck ass, hard as a rock and heavy as a stone biscuits but her bacon is usually right on and her gravy doesn't have lumps.

[nycfem]

I'm cross-posting what I just posted on Junie's thread. I never had anyone to talk to about this stuff and suddenly there are two threads for me to post on. I'm sure not complaining

I've often felt alone with this issue so it's great to have this thread and see I'm not.

When I came into the relationship with my husbutch, hy had two sons, one 12 and the other 17. Hys ex-wife of 18 years, M, is the biological mother of both children. M and BB are great parents in their own ways (as much as it kills me to say this about M due to my jealousy), so the co-parenting relationship is tight and very present. This is tough for me, as I often felt like a "ghost," an invisible member of the family. I wasn't exactly a real parent, and I wasn't a kid. I was the one who whispered my ideas to BB but didn't make the decisions. It's a really unusual role, with some benefits as well as frustrating aspects.

Now the boys are 18 and 23, so the intensity of step-parenting is lessened. The younger one, Jacob (lots of "Jacobs" on this thread!), reminds me of me. He is artsty, very emotional, strong willed, and a non-conformist. He has four women (i.e. two couples) with whom he splits his time when not at art school. He calls us "the mother network" and is open with his friends about us.

This is such an expansive and important topic so I'm not sure what else to say because there is just so much to say!

Here are a few of the harder parts of step-parenting that I've encountered:

1) BB will be on the phone with M (Jacob's other mother), and she will be difficult, and BB will put up with it, but then get off the phone, implode, and have the expectation of getting support from me. I will in turn get resentful of being put in this role, become tearful, and thus neither of us receives the support we are craving.

2) BB will ask me to discipline, and while occasionally I fill this role, I almost always say no. I strongly feel that when coming into the life of a child who is 13 or older, it's not good for the step-parent/ step-child relationship for the step-parent to be a disciplinarian. I think this is especially true when the child only resides with the step-parent part-time. My stance on this (not really all that relevant anymore now that Jacob is 18) was a frustration to BB, who felt exhausted by the need to always be the one who disciplined.

3) I always struggled with how affectionate to be. Jacob and BB are super physical, cuddly, back rub types, so in a sense it seems it would be easy to just jump in there with them. However, I felt that it was a bond they shared that I didn't want to interrupt. Also, since I was taking much more of a friend role with Jacob, I think I felt it seemed cooler not to go all huggy on him. In retrospect I don't know if it was the right way to go. Maybe it felt like a rejection, and we still aren't too physically affectionate. It's so hard to balance giving him space while showing how much I care.

Here are a few of the wonderful aspects of step-parenting that I've experienced:

1) Jacob's other 3 moms have raised the boys since they were young children and are also nearly 20 years older than me. They are used to disciplining and worrying and planning, etc. I, on the other hand, am closer in age to Jacob and don't have the more stressful parts of parenting within my role. Thus Jacob and I get to have a lot of fun together, and BB has said that at times he opens up to me in a way that he does not with his other mothers. This sure feels good to hear.

2) It's a fun family dynamic how Jacob and I have so much in common that BB and Jacob do not. Jacob and I are much more artsy, wild, and eccentric than BB, so there's a lot of playful teasing amongst us with Jacob and I unified in our commonalities. It's hard to explain but I love feeling that we have shared interests and ways of being, even though I did not raise him from birth. It's lucky, I guess.

3) Moments like this: One year Jacob gave me a very cute, touching birthday card. On the outside it said "Ever notice how in every family there's usually one person who's shockingly normal?" and then inside the card it said, "We should get ourselves one of those. Happy birthday!" Jacob wrote, "This is EXACTLY what our family is like!! But it is those quirks that I Iove most about you! You are a fun, funny, obsessive, artistic, queer femme social worker and that makes for some amazing cards in the mail and some 'on the spot' questions."

[Starbuck]

I've been a step mom for 12 years now and let me tell you, I have learned a lot!

I learned:
1. I found that as the step parent, I was more strict on my step child than I was my biological son and the bad thing was, they both noticed it. Not cool.

2. You can't change your territorial child's behavior, they're only doing what comes natural to them...loving their parent whom you are now involved with.

3. Patience truly is a virtue and is a great step toward winning their heart to you.

4. Praise your step child for EVERY positive thing you notice or good thing they tell you that they did in school, even for the little things. This will boost their self esteem and their opinion of you You will find this WILL bring you closer.

5. Outlandish grounding for more than a day or two (depending on the age - time out may be more beneficial) is worthless because they forget what they've been grounded for! Seriously! Now if they are teens, taking away a cell phone for just a day sends them into orbit and gets your point across nicely.

6. You have to be willing to say you are sorry when you wrong them. It makes you look more human in their eyes and it teaches them to apologize when they have wronged someone as well.

[sylvie]

i am not, nor have i been a step-parent..
i have , however, had step-parents, AND have been in relationships where they've been a step-parent to my 2 children.. so i can relate with a lot in this thread..

i truly didn't understand how difficult it was for someone to enter a relationship with someone who already has children. it's taken some eye opening experiences to really get the giste.. i have never been a great disciplinarian, and now that my children are teenagers, it shows .. it's something i've been working on, as i'm too soft and have spent years of letting things go.. but, things have been much better this new year, it's been small steps with my children and tons of love to get things back to normal with some respect & lotsa love and just a better situation overall.. so once i am ready to get back into a relationship (which will be awhile yet) - things will be on a much healthier note..i can totally understand the pressures & stresses of being a stepparent - and will always be more mindful of it..

my parents separated when i was 8 years old.. i lived with my mother and seems i was always with a babysitter, day & night.. when she met my step a-hole (we don't get along) he moved right in.. she immediately took his side no matter how mean he was to me.. i was scared to even talk to him because of his outbursts, usually.. he woke up grumpy and was a bear right to the moment he went to sleep at night.. the emotional scars far surpass any physical scars he gave me.. eventually, my mother alienated me, i went to my father's when i was the age of 12.. my mother & i have never been close - and she has become so much like him, it's scary & quite sad, even.

i do have a stepmother , however that is very much like a mother to me, moreso than my own.. i've always known i wasnt 'as' important as her own two children, and i tend to not get included when they do their things, still.. but it's okay, now because i have a better understanding what its like taking on someone else's child.. and the love she does show me, is something i'm so appreciative of to this day.. i could always depend on her, i know this...

[JustJo]

I was raised by a single mom, but never had a step-parent....lots of boyfriends who hung around or lived in at various time, but no one with the title.

I also never exposed my son to a step-parent until now....and never was one myself.

Now I'm both...and it's incredibly challenging. I'm not ready to post yet, but I'm reading.

[JustJo]

Just coming back to bump this thread...

...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by JustJo

Just coming back to bump this thread...

...we're having significant issues in this area, and I'd love to hear more about how people have successfully blended families without tearing their relationship apart.

Communication that involves everyone.

I found that we had issues around what was appropriate behaviour and what was correctable behaviour. If I felt a kid needed correction, I did NOT do that myself. I told my partner who would then do the correction.

TO be honest, my steps were 14 and up and REALLY good kids. There was not much needed in that area. I was more the teacher in that I taught both the young ones how to drive and also did a lot of cooking with them.

It might be helpful if you shared what your struggles are.