Auntie Diva's Story Time

Just_G · 11-09-2009, 01:39 PM

CAAAAAAAKE!!! Move over Cousin Karate Princess....and get me a fork....I want some CAKE!!!! Gimme gimme gimme!!!!!

Diva · 11-09-2009, 01:43 PM

Oh dear gay....look who the cat drug in......

Cousin SHIZZLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <eyein' that pecan tree>

Just_G · 11-09-2009, 01:52 PM

Auntie Nanny Nizzle, quit staring at that pecan tree! Tell Karate Princess to give me some cake!! She won't share!

Diva · 11-09-2009, 01:54 PM

Boys and girls, this was a story your Auntie Diva wrote when she went to the NYC Dance in April of 2008.....I thought you cousins might enjoy a laugh at your Auntie Diva's expense.....

***********************

Yes, boys and girls....it's storytime with Auntie Diva once again!

Today's story is about Auntie Diva and the Maypole.....

Well!

Auntie Diva wants to tell You about the Maypole, children! Now one might think that dancing around the Maypole should ONLY happen in May!!

Au contraire, boys and girls!! For Auntie Diva ~ being the hooligan that she IS ~ has danced around the Maypole in APRIL!!!

Did You know that Auntie Diva danced around the APRILpole? Oh yes she DID! Auntie Diva was at a big, amazing dance this past weekend! Can You say "A fun time was had by ALL", boys and girls?

SO! Your Auntie Diva looked and looked and looked....and there! She spotted the perfect pole around which to dance! So, she took off her shoes (a lovely, strappy little black open~toed/open~heeled alligator, 2" heel slide) and crossed the floor to the pole. There, Auntie Diva decided to dance with the pole in such a way that one may very well have thought her name could have been Helga, The Striptease Artist from the 1930's! Oh YES, boys and girls!

Dance, dance, dance....see Auntie Diva dance!!!

Now, here is the lesson for today, boys and girls ~ always dance around the Aprilpole in shoes which grip the floor ~ unless of course you're dancing on the NOVEMBERpole, in which case the pole resembles a turkey leg and is MUCH easier to hang onto. Plus, you get a snack! (Feel free to use this for future reference!)

Your Auntie Diva clearly did not have on her grippy shoes!! The twirling began innocently enough, boys and girls ~ as you know your Auntie Diva IS innocent as the sky on a sunny day! ~ however, things took a downward spiral rather quickly......literally! And, centrifical force and gravity ~ is this redundant? ~ being what it IS ~ and your Auntie Diva being Rubenesque ~ well....shall we just say that she was as graceful as she could possibly have been in this situation when the gravity took over your Auntie Diva's ass! And she just decided to go with it and make it look like she MEANT to spin to the floor.....just like a warped hula hoop!

Oh yes!!!! Splat, Auntie Diva, splat!!!!

It became apparent that many of the attendees might think your Auntie Diva had been sipping on the Appletini bottle without a straw, but NOOOoooooo!!! Your Auntie Diva had only had 2 small glasses of pinot grigio and was in complete control of her faculties.....however she clearly was NOT in control of her hula hoops!

And the 2nd lesson today, boys and girls? Perhaps the Maypole Dance SHOULD be reserved for May after all!!!!

Signed,
Your Auntie Diva
Pole Dance Instructor To The Masses

Just_G · 11-09-2009, 02:18 PM

Auntie Nanny Nizzle, that is one of my favorite stories....I laugh so hard that my boss man tells me to stop it!
I also like it more than the others because it involves a pole, and a woman dancing on a pole, and spinning to the floor. These are a few of my favorite things....when the dog bites, when the bee stings....oh wait...

What kind of perfume were you wearing? Just ask Cousin Karate Princess....she will explain.

Diva · 11-09-2009, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just_G

Auntie Nanny Nizzle, that is one of my favorite stories....I laugh so hard that my boss man tells me to stop it!
I also like it more than the others because it involves a pole, and a woman dancing on a pole, and spinning to the floor. These are a few of my favorite things....when the dog bites, when the bee stings....oh wait...

What kind of perfume were you wearing? Just ask Cousin Karate Princess....she will explain.

I was clearly wearing Eau de Splat, cousin G......

Signed,
Auntie Diva....who wishes The Invisifont worked here......

Diva · 11-09-2009, 08:22 PM

Good evening boys and girls.......

Gather 'round!! It's time for Auntie Diva's Story Time!!!

Tonight, we're going to talk about the history of the TYPEWRITER, boys and girls! Isn't that EXCITING?

First, let me tell you, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva actually took a class CALLED: Typing! Yes!!! It's TRUE!!!! And while your Auntie Diva DID go to a school that had electricity, there were no such things as electric typewriters at Auntie Diva's school. And of course, as we all know, it is beCAUSE there were no electric typewriters, my classmates built up their finger muscles significantly and there were no incidents of the carpal tunnel syndrome in the old days!! It's true! Type, type, type...type Auntie Diva, type!!!

But your Auntie Diva digresses.....

Did you know, boys and girls, that the very first typewriter was invented by some Englishman by the name of Henry Mill in 1714. Unfortunately, it didn't work, so I'm still not quite sure why it was even listed, but the English felt left out, I believe, so they probably started a war or something so they would be listed first. (In like manner, and subsequently, Henry Ford wasn't really the first to invent the car. That honor went to a farmer in Cleeksburg, Iowa, of Indian heritage by the name of Bobby ToyotamaFeather. Yes. I know you all are surprised that your Auntie Diva knows so much trivial knowledge!)

So, the first typewriter that actually WORKED was made by some Italian man by the name of Pellegrino Turri in 1808.

That ran along all nicely, I guess, but then the Danish (famous for their pastries and dykes ) became slightly agitated and if they didn't go on and invent their own typewriter that looked like a pin cushion. A pastor invented it in 1870.....I was surprised by that because I have heard that the Danish are not necessarily a religious people. But there was at least ONE pastor, Malling Hansen, who was also responsible for large shopping centers and a distant ancestor of The Hansen Twins. They're not popular either.

People started getting testy then and wanted their OWN typewriters. I believe it had something to do with typing with an accent or something and FINALLY, a couple of American men invented one for the United States in 1874. (We're always behind, aren't we?) Sholes and Glidden (most famous for their comfy padded shoe inserts and paint) were responsible for the way the keyboard is that we know today, boys and girls!! It's called the QWERTY (look at your keys, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva won't spoon feed you ALL the time!)

Shortly thereafter, there were other typewriters that popped out of the typewriter ribbon womb, such as the Hammond (which evolved in an organ......don't go there cousin June!!!), the Verityper (now THAT'S original, isn't it boys and girls?), the Crandall (which is very pretty....not.), the Blickensderfer (which looks as though the bottom has dropped off of it) and the everpopular Underwood (which also later created little pots of meet.

And it is the FAULT of Sholes and Glidden ~ and the MORAL (or IMmoral) of my story, boys and girls ~ that the above typo happened; for if you look closely on your little tiny keyboards at home, you shall see that the "T" key and the "F" key are 'neighbors'.

And we've ALL seen Desparate Housewives!!!

Nighty~night, boys and girls!!

Signed,
Your Auntie Diva.....who enjoys being T~Fuckered plum out. True story, boys and girls, true story.

Diva · 11-09-2009, 10:53 PM

Good evening, boys and girls...it's time for another story from Auntie Diva!!

One day this past summer, boys and girls, the ICE CREAM TRUCK drove down your Auntie Diva's street!!! Oh it was a very exciting day! And your Auntie Diva is fairly convinced that the driver of the truck was lost, as the street is only one block long....and there are only 2 children who live on Auntie Diva's street. And....since they are both sissies, they don't venture out in this heat.

Your Auntie Diva was very impressed that the Ice Cream Truck was playing the Calliope version of Beethoven's "Fur Elise"!!! Culinary delicacies AND culture, boys and girls! Why, it just doesn't get any better than that, now does it?

Well....it DOES....but we've moved away from the nastiness.....
But I digress......

Your Auntie Diva was so excited to hear the truck, she ran outside! Why, that truck was no truck at ALL! She remembered ~ back in the days of her youth (YES, cousin June, there WAS refrigeration back then!) ~ Auntie Diva's Daddy ~ this would be your Grandpa Daddy ~ would hear the ice cream man from blocks away. He would get his wallet and pull $2 out and walk to the curb. All the children would run, run, run to meet the ice cream man, but he knew on which side his bread was buttered and he drove straight to your Grandpa Daddy!! There....with his $2, Grandpa Daddy bought a whole big box of Fudgesickles and Dreamsickles!! And if I was lucky, I got a push-up....or an orange popsickle. Even as a child, your Auntie Diva got lucky!

But today, just as in days past, your Auntie Diva went to the curb ~ similar to being kicked TO it, but no skinned knees ~ (not that bruised, chafed knees are a bad thing, necessarily...but that's another story....in a few years, boys and girls...in a few years!) ~ if only to listen to the Merry-go-round Beethoven....and was ever so disillusioned to see not an ice cream truck at all.....but some sorta hippy van with all kinds of stickers on it with pictures of the ice cream!! Where was my classy tan ice cream truck from days of yore?

With a forlorn (read "pathetic") sad face, your Auntie Diva returned to her AC-infused house, Fudgesickle~less..... no push~ups....or orange popsickles.....<sigh>

And it was a sad day on S. Pleasant Valley Road.....

Signed,
Your Auntie Diva, Push-up Goddess for the cousins

11-09-2009, 08:22 PM	#7
Diva Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Diva Preferred Pronoun?: Diva Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chez Diva Posts: 11,879 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,263 Thanked 17,174 Times in 5,239 Posts Rep Power: 0	History Lesson: The Typewriter Good evening boys and girls....... Gather 'round!! It's time for Auntie Diva's Story Time!!! Tonight, we're going to talk about the history of the TYPEWRITER, boys and girls! Isn't that EXCITING? First, let me tell you, boys and girls, that your Auntie Diva actually took a class CALLED: Typing! Yes!!! It's TRUE!!!! And while your Auntie Diva DID go to a school that had electricity, there were no such things as electric typewriters at Auntie Diva's school. And of course, as we all know, it is beCAUSE there were no electric typewriters, my classmates built up their finger muscles significantly and there were no incidents of the carpal tunnel syndrome in the old days!! It's true! Type, type, type...type Auntie Diva, type!!! But your Auntie Diva digresses..... Did you know, boys and girls, that the very first typewriter was invented by some Englishman by the name of Henry Mill in 1714. Unfortunately, it didn't work, so I'm still not quite sure why it was even listed, but the English felt left out, I believe, so they probably started a war or something so they would be listed first. (In like manner, and subsequently, Henry Ford wasn't really the first to invent the car. That honor went to a farmer in Cleeksburg, Iowa, of Indian heritage by the name of Bobby ToyotamaFeather. Yes. I know you all are surprised that your Auntie Diva knows so much trivial knowledge!) So, the first typewriter that actually WORKED was made by some Italian man by the name of Pellegrino Turri in 1808. That ran along all nicely, I guess, but then the Danish (famous for their pastries and dykes ) became slightly agitated and if they didn't go on and invent their own typewriter that looked like a pin cushion. A pastor invented it in 1870.....I was surprised by that because I have heard that the Danish are not necessarily a religious people. But there was at least ONE pastor, Malling Hansen, who was also responsible for large shopping centers and a distant ancestor of The Hansen Twins. They're not popular either. People started getting testy then and wanted their OWN typewriters. I believe it had something to do with typing with an accent or something and FINALLY, a couple of American men invented one for the United States in 1874. (We're always behind, aren't we?) Sholes and Glidden (most famous for their comfy padded shoe inserts and paint) were responsible for the way the keyboard is that we know today, boys and girls!! It's called the QWERTY (look at your keys, boys and girls, for your Auntie Diva won't spoon feed you ALL the time!) Shortly thereafter, there were other typewriters that popped out of the typewriter ribbon womb, such as the Hammond (which evolved in an organ......don't go there cousin June!!!), the Verityper (now THAT'S original, isn't it boys and girls?), the Crandall (which is very pretty....not.), the Blickensderfer (which looks as though the bottom has dropped off of it) and the everpopular Underwood (which also later created little pots of meet. And it is the FAULT of Sholes and Glidden ~ and the MORAL (or IMmoral) of my story, boys and girls ~ that the above typo happened; for if you look closely on your little tiny keyboards at home, you shall see that the "T" key and the "F" key are 'neighbors'. And we've ALL seen Desparate Housewives!!! Nighty~night, boys and girls!! Signed, Your Auntie Diva.....who enjoys being T~Fuckered plum out. True story, boys and girls, true story.

11-09-2009, 01:39 PM	#1
Just_G Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Switch, Comedian...G...whichever. Preferred Pronoun?: He....with an e! Relationship Status: I'll take kinky & twisted for $200, Alex!! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in the middle Posts: 2,281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 874 Thanked 6,165 Times in 1,450 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	CAAAAAAAKE!!! Move over Cousin Karate Princess....and get me a fork....I want some CAKE!!!! Gimme gimme gimme!!!!!

11-09-2009, 01:43 PM	#2
Diva Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Diva Preferred Pronoun?: Diva Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chez Diva Posts: 11,879 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,263 Thanked 17,174 Times in 5,239 Posts Rep Power: 0	Oh dear gay....look who the cat drug in...... Cousin SHIZZLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <eyein' that pecan tree>

11-09-2009, 01:52 PM	#3
Just_G Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Switch, Comedian...G...whichever. Preferred Pronoun?: He....with an e! Relationship Status: I'll take kinky & twisted for $200, Alex!! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in the middle Posts: 2,281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 874 Thanked 6,165 Times in 1,450 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Auntie Nanny Nizzle, quit staring at that pecan tree! Tell Karate Princess to give me some cake!! She won't share!

11-09-2009, 01:54 PM	#4
Diva Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Diva Preferred Pronoun?: Diva Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chez Diva Posts: 11,879 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,263 Thanked 17,174 Times in 5,239 Posts Rep Power: 0	Boys and girls, this was a story your Auntie Diva wrote when she went to the NYC Dance in April of 2008.....I thought you cousins might enjoy a laugh at your Auntie Diva's expense..... *********************** Yes, boys and girls....it's storytime with Auntie Diva once again! Today's story is about Auntie Diva and the Maypole..... Well! Auntie Diva wants to tell You about the Maypole, children! Now one might think that dancing around the Maypole should ONLY happen in May!! Au contraire, boys and girls!! For Auntie Diva ~ being the hooligan that she IS ~ has danced around the Maypole in APRIL!!! Did You know that Auntie Diva danced around the APRILpole? Oh yes she DID! Auntie Diva was at a big, amazing dance this past weekend! Can You say "A fun time was had by ALL", boys and girls? SO! Your Auntie Diva looked and looked and looked....and there! She spotted the perfect pole around which to dance! So, she took off her shoes (a lovely, strappy little black open~toed/open~heeled alligator, 2" heel slide) and crossed the floor to the pole. There, Auntie Diva decided to dance with the pole in such a way that one may very well have thought her name could have been Helga, The Striptease Artist from the 1930's! Oh YES, boys and girls! Dance, dance, dance....see Auntie Diva dance!!! Now, here is the lesson for today, boys and girls ~ always dance around the Aprilpole in shoes which grip the floor ~ unless of course you're dancing on the NOVEMBERpole, in which case the pole resembles a turkey leg and is MUCH easier to hang onto. Plus, you get a snack! (Feel free to use this for future reference!) Your Auntie Diva clearly did not have on her grippy shoes!! The twirling began innocently enough, boys and girls ~ as you know your Auntie Diva IS innocent as the sky on a sunny day! ~ however, things took a downward spiral rather quickly......literally! And, centrifical force and gravity ~ is this redundant? ~ being what it IS ~ and your Auntie Diva being Rubenesque ~ well....shall we just say that she was as graceful as she could possibly have been in this situation when the gravity took over your Auntie Diva's ass! And she just decided to go with it and make it look like she MEANT to spin to the floor.....just like a warped hula hoop! Oh yes!!!! Splat, Auntie Diva, splat!!!! It became apparent that many of the attendees might think your Auntie Diva had been sipping on the Appletini bottle without a straw, but NOOOoooooo!!! Your Auntie Diva had only had 2 small glasses of pinot grigio and was in complete control of her faculties.....however she clearly was NOT in control of her hula hoops! And the 2nd lesson today, boys and girls? Perhaps the Maypole Dance SHOULD be reserved for May after all!!!! Signed, Your Auntie Diva Pole Dance Instructor To The Masses

11-09-2009, 02:18 PM	#5
Just_G Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Switch, Comedian...G...whichever. Preferred Pronoun?: He....with an e! Relationship Status: I'll take kinky & twisted for $200, Alex!! Tournaments Won: 1 Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: in the middle Posts: 2,281 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 874 Thanked 6,165 Times in 1,450 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Auntie Nanny Nizzle, that is one of my favorite stories....I laugh so hard that my boss man tells me to stop it! I also like it more than the others because it involves a pole, and a woman dancing on a pole, and spinning to the floor. These are a few of my favorite things....when the dog bites, when the bee stings....oh wait... What kind of perfume were you wearing? Just ask Cousin Karate Princess....she will explain.

11-09-2009, 10:53 PM	#8
Diva Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Diva Preferred Pronoun?: Diva Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chez Diva Posts: 11,879 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,263 Thanked 17,174 Times in 5,239 Posts Rep Power: 0	Good evening, boys and girls...it's time for another story from Auntie Diva!! One day this past summer, boys and girls, the ICE CREAM TRUCK drove down your Auntie Diva's street!!! Oh it was a very exciting day! And your Auntie Diva is fairly convinced that the driver of the truck was lost, as the street is only one block long....and there are only 2 children who live on Auntie Diva's street. And....since they are both sissies, they don't venture out in this heat. Your Auntie Diva was very impressed that the Ice Cream Truck was playing the Calliope version of Beethoven's "Fur Elise"!!! Culinary delicacies AND culture, boys and girls! Why, it just doesn't get any better than that, now does it? Well....it DOES....but we've moved away from the nastiness..... But I digress...... Your Auntie Diva was so excited to hear the truck, she ran outside! Why, that truck was no truck at ALL! She remembered ~ back in the days of her youth (YES, cousin June, there WAS refrigeration back then!) ~ Auntie Diva's Daddy ~ this would be your Grandpa Daddy ~ would hear the ice cream man from blocks away. He would get his wallet and pull $2 out and walk to the curb. All the children would run, run, run to meet the ice cream man, but he knew on which side his bread was buttered and he drove straight to your Grandpa Daddy!! There....with his $2, Grandpa Daddy bought a whole big box of Fudgesickles and Dreamsickles!! And if I was lucky, I got a push-up....or an orange popsickle. Even as a child, your Auntie Diva got lucky! But today, just as in days past, your Auntie Diva went to the curb ~ similar to being kicked TO it, but no skinned knees ~ (not that bruised, chafed knees are a bad thing, necessarily...but that's another story....in a few years, boys and girls...in a few years!) ~ if only to listen to the Merry-go-round Beethoven....and was ever so disillusioned to see not an ice cream truck at all.....but some sorta hippy van with all kinds of stickers on it with pictures of the ice cream!! Where was my classy tan ice cream truck from days of yore? With a forlorn (read "pathetic") sad face, your Auntie Diva returned to her AC-infused house, Fudgesickle~less..... no push~ups....or orange popsickles.....<sigh> And it was a sad day on S. Pleasant Valley Road..... Signed, Your Auntie Diva, Push-up Goddess for the cousins