Being Friends with an Ex - How Long

Selenay · 12-21-2009, 10:17 PM

You may never be friends with her again.

Personally, I cut ties.

There's a reason we broke up, and usually I disengage from any sort of relationship with the person.

But that's me and I've always been told I'm ~*vicious*~

NotAnAverageGuy · 12-21-2009, 10:47 PM

You may never be friends with your ex, some ex's can't be friends regardless of animals or not.

I am friends with only one of my ex's, who now happens to be my best friend, we realized it was just better off as friends and not partners.

Waldo · 12-21-2009, 10:56 PM

You two were together for years. There's a lot to process and people process at different speeds. And the other posters are right - it may never come to fruition.

When I was younger I did everything I could to maintain friendships with my exes. In recent years I've accepted that while some people are important to me even though we don't make a great couple there are others whom it simply isn't in the cards. There's no reason for me to make room in my heart or my life for someone who treated me poorly, or was otherwise ill suited for friendship for any number of reasons.

Now the simple answer, according to Sex And The City? The time it takes to "get over" a relationship gone bust is half the length of the relationship.

Surayna · 12-21-2009, 11:15 PM

I have been able to maintain friendships with all but 2 of my long term ex's in the last 25 years. Most of them are on my facebook page and we keep in touch regularly.

Of the two I do not consider to be friends:
One of them went to prison for abusing my daughter over 18 years ago. While we do not maintain a friendship - we did speak ONCE after he got out of prison and I no longer have any hateful feelings towards him. I could not and will not ever be his friend, though.

The other ex is my most recent break-up (August), and while I don't hold any ill will towards her in any way, I am also not ready to be friends with her. We were together for 3 1/2 years.

For me - friendship requires a certain level of trust, respect and honesty. If those things are not present, I will not consider someone a friend, no matter how close we once were. *shrugs*

Good luck!!

Softly · 12-22-2009, 12:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Surayna

For me - friendship requires a certain level of trust, respect and honesty. If those things are not present, I will not consider someone a friend, no matter how close we once were. *shrugs*

I agree with the above.

I am friends with 2 of my exes, both were long term...one is my ex husband who is like my bff and stuff and other is my first boyfriend ha ha

I think circumstance makes up for a whole lot of if you can be friends or not...a bad break up? I cut the ties. I don't need any negative crap in my life.

mutual break up? maybe we can be friends

If me and my current break up I feel we would be just as close as we are now. just no humping. xoxoxo

Passionaria · 12-22-2009, 12:19 AM

I can understand how you are feeling Daryn. I just separated from a 7 year relationship this summer. We are really trying to be friends, almost like sliding over. Love and caring was never the issue between us. That has always been there. And continues to be. We lived as friends for years, and decided to be honest about it, finally. We both have kids, and know each others families, and love them. And we don't want to loose that. Sometimes we have to take breaks, and not see each other for a few weeks. But then we will do social things together. It is taking allot of patience, as feelings arise, but then again how many people in this world do I know for sure really love me???? Not allot, not for real. So it is worth it to me.

There are a few people I don't want to know anymore, as well. Usually has to do with betrayal or dishonesty. I don't come back from that one.

xoxoxo Pashi

Lynn · 12-22-2009, 05:58 AM

I was married for over 20 years. I had hoped to maintain a real friendship with my ex-husband, but, so far, that hasn't happened. We have a decent working relationship, only for the kids. It's been about six years since we separated, but it still seems fresh in many respects. I also realize that the friendship I wanted was never really there in the first place. My brother commented recently that, seeing us together, it doesn't seem different between us now than it did when we were married. I thought that was very telling.

I'm friends with a couple of exes. Some are just out of my life because of time and circumstances, and others, I make a concerted effort to maintain no contact. I don't have a steadfast rule about how to handle relationships after breakups. If there is a chance of continuing a friendship with someone I loved, then I try. People who truly know me at that level are few and far between.

Inuus · 12-22-2009, 06:41 AM

I personaly cut ties only if trust etc was broken. Not all relationships end badly. Sometimes people grow apart, its not always a knock down nasty drag out fight.
I have an ex I have been friends with for 27 years, we are best friends she is family to me.
But like people said you might not be able to be friends with her. It takes time. It depends how the relationship ended

christie · 12-21-2009, 10:53 PM

I, too, cut ties.

I am not friends with exes. They are exes for a reason...

On the other hand, I don't fuck my friends...

Some things, at least to me, are pretty black and white.

Are Jess and I best friends? Of course. Would I miss that if our relationship was over? Yes. Absolutely. Would I want to be "friends" and watch Hym move on with Hys life and vice versa? Fuck no.

Given all of that is hypothetical, if it were an actuality, I might feel differently. We both work hard every day to ensure we aren't faced with the situation.

All that aside, I am sorry that you miss your friend. I am sorry that your furbaby misses her and the sibling furbaby.

RNguy · 12-22-2009, 12:45 PM

This is an interesting topic.
An ex of mine ( we were together 4 years ) ( we have been broken up for 8 years ) anyways, she recently requested me as a friend on facebook.
I have heard over the years, that she wished we were still together. The breakup wasn't very nice to go through at all.
It's been so long, that I accepted her friendship.
I think that overtime you can be friends with an ex, but honestly I have never been in any relationship where it ended in a mutual agreement. It was always a one sided deal and the other was upset about it.
I'd prefer probably to cut ties and leave it alone, with no contact.
Now, if I saw an ex broken down on the road, whether we were friends or not, I would still stop and help her .
Very interesting topic and views here.
-RNguy

12-21-2009, 10:17 PM	#1
Selenay Member How Do You Identify?: A soul for a compass and a heart for a pair of wings. Preferred Pronoun?: All I ask of living is to have no chains on me. Relationship Status: All I own are the strides I spend to the finish line. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Somewhere in between here and gone. Posts: 662 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 110 Thanked 1,447 Times in 369 Posts Rep Power: 6344715	You may never be friends with her again. Personally, I cut ties. There's a reason we broke up, and usually I disengage from any sort of relationship with the person. But that's me and I've always been told I'm ~vicious~ __________________ Two or three things I know for sure, And one is that I would rather go naked Than wear the coat the world has made for me.

12-21-2009, 10:56 PM	#3
Waldo Member How Do You Identify?: Special Snowflake Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Married Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Wine Country, Oregon Posts: 470 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 22 Thanked 792 Times in 238 Posts Rep Power: 1006288	You two were together for years. There's a lot to process and people process at different speeds. And the other posters are right - it may never come to fruition. When I was younger I did everything I could to maintain friendships with my exes. In recent years I've accepted that while some people are important to me even though we don't make a great couple there are others whom it simply isn't in the cards. There's no reason for me to make room in my heart or my life for someone who treated me poorly, or was otherwise ill suited for friendship for any number of reasons. Now the simple answer, according to Sex And The City? The time it takes to "get over" a relationship gone bust is half the length of the relationship. __________________ Perved lately? \| My website \| NEW: lez.org

12-21-2009, 11:15 PM	#4
Surayna Member How Do You Identify?: Femme - babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Incredibly content, amazingly happy, and loved by some wonderful people! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: PNW Posts: 179 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 93 Thanked 82 Times in 36 Posts Rep Power: 17	I have been able to maintain friendships with all but 2 of my long term ex's in the last 25 years. Most of them are on my facebook page and we keep in touch regularly. Of the two I do not consider to be friends: One of them went to prison for abusing my daughter over 18 years ago. While we do not maintain a friendship - we did speak ONCE after he got out of prison and I no longer have any hateful feelings towards him. I could not and will not ever be his friend, though. The other ex is my most recent break-up (August), and while I don't hold any ill will towards her in any way, I am also not ready to be friends with her. We were together for 3 1/2 years. For me - friendship requires a certain level of trust, respect and honesty. If those things are not present, I will not consider someone a friend, no matter how close we once were. shrugs Good luck!! __________________ "The more you love, the more you can love – and the more intensely you love." ~Lazarus Long~ "Love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." ~Nicholas Sparks~ "Bite Marks Are Love Notes Written In Flesh" ~anonymous~

12-22-2009, 12:19 AM	#6
Passionaria Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Urban Bohemian : http://youtu.be/IM96Ch9Gx4A Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: She ran away with with the Gypsy's ✿ Posts: 2,519 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,316 Thanked 3,737 Times in 1,248 Posts Rep Power: 16689910	I can understand how you are feeling Daryn. I just separated from a 7 year relationship this summer. We are really trying to be friends, almost like sliding over. Love and caring was never the issue between us. That has always been there. And continues to be. We lived as friends for years, and decided to be honest about it, finally. We both have kids, and know each others families, and love them. And we don't want to loose that. Sometimes we have to take breaks, and not see each other for a few weeks. But then we will do social things together. It is taking allot of patience, as feelings arise, but then again how many people in this world do I know for sure really love me???? Not allot, not for real. So it is worth it to me. There are a few people I don't want to know anymore, as well. Usually has to do with betrayal or dishonesty. I don't come back from that one. xoxoxo Pashi __________________ *Moon cat madness*

12-22-2009, 05:58 AM	#7
Lynn Member How Do You Identify?: Unabashed Feminine Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: Her, She Relationship Status: Married! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 689 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,499 Thanked 2,413 Times in 504 Posts Rep Power: 9668975	I was married for over 20 years. I had hoped to maintain a real friendship with my ex-husband, but, so far, that hasn't happened. We have a decent working relationship, only for the kids. It's been about six years since we separated, but it still seems fresh in many respects. I also realize that the friendship I wanted was never really there in the first place. My brother commented recently that, seeing us together, it doesn't seem different between us now than it did when we were married. I thought that was very telling. I'm friends with a couple of exes. Some are just out of my life because of time and circumstances, and others, I make a concerted effort to maintain no contact. I don't have a steadfast rule about how to handle relationships after breakups. If there is a chance of continuing a friendship with someone I loved, then I try. People who truly know me at that level are few and far between. __________________ In the flush of love's light we dare be brave And suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be. Yet it is only love which sets us free. Maya Angelou Wedding Photos: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?...1&l=22b092b98c

12-21-2009, 10:47 PM	#2
NotAnAverageGuy Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Trans Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Texas Posts: 1,723 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 109 Thanked 282 Times in 178 Posts Rep Power: 0	You may never be friends with your ex, some ex's can't be friends regardless of animals or not. I am friends with only one of my ex's, who now happens to be my best friend, we realized it was just better off as friends and not partners.

12-22-2009, 06:41 AM	#8
Inuus Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: She/Her Relationship Status: Single Not Looking Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Oklahoma Posts: 265 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 242 Thanked 377 Times in 143 Posts Rep Power: 3733068	I personaly cut ties only if trust etc was broken. Not all relationships end badly. Sometimes people grow apart, its not always a knock down nasty drag out fight. I have an ex I have been friends with for 27 years, we are best friends she is family to me. But like people said you might not be able to be friends with her. It takes time. It depends how the relationship ended __________________ “Kindness and compassion toward all living things is the mark of a civilized society.”- Cesar Chavez

12-21-2009, 10:53 PM	#9
christie Member How Do You Identify?: A Force with which to be reckoned Preferred Pronoun?: just be nice... Relationship Status: I call her Mine Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Transplanted to the PNW Posts: 1,246 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,552 Thanked 2,476 Times in 706 Posts Rep Power: 14753262	I, too, cut ties. I am not friends with exes. They are exes for a reason... On the other hand, I don't fuck my friends... Some things, at least to me, are pretty black and white. Are Jess and I best friends? Of course. Would I miss that if our relationship was over? Yes. Absolutely. Would I want to be "friends" and watch Hym move on with Hys life and vice versa? Fuck no. Given all of that is hypothetical, if it were an actuality, I might feel differently. We both work hard every day to ensure we aren't faced with the situation. All that aside, I am sorry that you miss your friend. I am sorry that your furbaby misses her and the sibling furbaby.

12-22-2009, 12:45 PM	#10
RNguy Member How Do You Identify?: trans Preferred Pronoun?: He preferredably :) Relationship Status: the pitbull <€ Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Birmingham, Alabama Posts: 1,058 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,473 Thanked 2,266 Times in 510 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	hmmmmm This is an interesting topic. An ex of mine ( we were together 4 years ) ( we have been broken up for 8 years ) anyways, she recently requested me as a friend on facebook. I have heard over the years, that she wished we were still together. The breakup wasn't very nice to go through at all. It's been so long, that I accepted her friendship. I think that overtime you can be friends with an ex, but honestly I have never been in any relationship where it ended in a mutual agreement. It was always a one sided deal and the other was upset about it. I'd prefer probably to cut ties and leave it alone, with no contact. Now, if I saw an ex broken down on the road, whether we were friends or not, I would still stop and help her . Very interesting topic and views here. -RNguy