Auntie Diva's Story Time

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Diva

Good afternoon, boys and girls, and Merry Holidays Eve!

I have a Christmas story for you about My Evil Postman and The Case Of The Runaway Mailbox..............

For weeks now, I have noticed that my mailbox was getting tiltier and tiltier....sorta like your cousin Lips toward the end of one of your Auntie Diva's soirees......

But I digress......

So, I have waited with bated breath lo these many days (notice I said "lo", boys and girls, just like the baby Jeebus's angel said to the shepherds tending their flocks....I wanted to make the story relevant for the children) for an opportune moment to actually FIX that mailbox as the postman wasn't treating it with care as he deposited my mail. I'm not exactly sure, boys and girls, what his issue was and why it was so difficult to just slide the mail in, seeing as the DOOR to the mailbox fell off months ago.

ANYway....

I was sitting at my desk just a few moments ago, minding my own bees wax, playing Shoot The Balloon (or whatEVER it's called) and my doorbell rings. Normally, I would not answer the door, boys and girls, but your cousin OilCan and your cousin Schmoopie were out of town, so I knew it was safe to answer.

Lo and behold, a stranger from the east, boys and girls.

No. Really.

I've never seen such a strange looking man. And why was he standing on my porch..........and holding my mailbox?????

I opened my door. "Hi....my name is Shawn," he said (so it WASN'T Sasquatch?!?!?!?), and I think this might be yours. It wasn't hard to figure it out, really, as yours is the only house on the street without a mailbox." (smartass) And he held up my doorless mailbox!

"OH MY GOODNESS," I exclaimed. "Where do live?"

"About 4 doors down on the other side of the street," he replied. "We had some strong winds last night, I guess." He spoke the truth. Even Lucy had barked at the noise of the wind, boys and girls.

I opened my door and he handed me my mailbox. Thank GOODness, I had bought a NEW mailbox.....2 years ago.

Now.....maybe you're remembering, boys and girls, that I mentioned my evil postman? Yes. As your Auntie Diva was waiting for more Christmas cards, the postman just whizzed right by your Auntie Diva's house!!! Could he not have dropped off my mail????? Was that too much to ask?

My FORMER mailchick WOULD have. SHE would have LOOKED for my poor, doorless, lost and windblown mailbox......and brought it to me.......and PROBABLY would have offered to fix it for me, too. She was cute that way.

And that, boys and girls, was the story of The Evil Postman, Sasquatch and Auntie Diva's Windblown Mailbox.

Signed,
Auntie Diva......looking for cousin M, as SHE used to work for the postal service & she's wondering if it's "...neither rain, nor snow, nor WIND TURBULENCE or dark of night....." if THAT'S the way that goes.....

I'm pretty sure tha's the way it goes. If'n the post office wasn't closed now, I'd go complain for you.

[Diva]

It's ok, cousin GemmieLicious!
I have a new mailbox!!!

Of course, I can't find any screws the right size to go into the holes (don't go there, Missy Miss!) so in the morning, I MAY be standing in the driveway, holding the box......

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Diva

It's ok, cousin GemmieLicious!
I have a new mailbox!!!

Of course, I can't find any screws the right size to go into the holes (don't go there, Missy Miss!) so in the morning, I MAY be standing in the driveway, holding the box......

I can TOTALLY imagine you doing that!

Yanno, that's one way to make sure the mail guy actually stops at your house. Don't forget to flash some leg, Ryan says.

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I can TOTALLY imagine you doing that!

Yanno, that's one way to make sure the mail guy actually stops at your house. Don't forget to flash some leg, Ryan says.

Tell cousin Toolboy we don't want the good postman to crash the truck......

We don't have a mailman smilie, do we?

[Diva]

Good afternoon, boys and girls!

It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!


Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza....

And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true!


So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin.

Where was I? Oh yes.....

So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM!

First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this.

While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk.....

And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry>

Your Auntie Diva does this......

There are no peaches.

What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup?

Uh........no.

Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake.

I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler.

I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised!

The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top.

And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler.

Signed,

Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...

[Pixie]

Originally Posted by Diva

Good afternoon, boys and girls!

It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!


Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza....

And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true!


So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin.

Where was I? Oh yes.....

So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM!

First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this.

While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk.....

And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry>

Your Auntie Diva does this......

There are no peaches.

What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup?

Uh........no.

Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake.

I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler.

I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised!

The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top.

And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler.

Signed,

Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...

It was fabulous Auntie Diva!!!! Don't forget the amazing cinnamon butterfly decoration You concocted on top!! It was the Icing on the, well...the ice cream on the..... it was great!!!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Diva

Tell cousin Toolboy we don't want the good postman to crash the truck......

We don't have a mailman smilie, do we?

Not yet, but if you squinch really hard, a couple of them could work in a pinch.

Originally Posted by Diva

Good afternoon, boys and girls!

It's time for another story from your Auntie Diva!


Today's story is about your Auntie Diva's Anit~Peach Cobbler Extravaganza....

And the reason it was an 'extravaganza' was because your cousin Pixie was there.....otherwise, it would have been just a regular ol' anti~peach cobbler....Ohhhhhh....Ahhhhhhh...I hear you all saying! It's true!


So. I'm making a simple dinner for your cousin Pixie and I one night....(your cousin Pixie is one of those Vegetanarians, ya know, so it was a challenge for your Auntie Diva, the carnivore....). I made the Vegetanerian Chili, boys and girls.....it actually turned out pretty good ok....and it was even better after I added my browned ground sirloin.

Where was I? Oh yes.....

So...la la la, boys and girls....I was going to make a special treat for your cousin Pixie.....your Auntie Diva's Mama's (that's right, your Gra'ma Sybil's) Peach Cobbler! Yum, boys and girls, YUM!

First....(are you taking notes?) you melt a stick of butter (where do you think Paula Deen got this idea from? Your Gra'ma Sybil, that's who!) in a Pyrex dish in the oven.....so of course, I did this.

While it melted, I made the batter....the usual things: flour, sugar, baking powder, milk.....

And then I went to get the peaches from the pantry......<opening door to pantry>

Your Auntie Diva does this......

There are no peaches.

What to do, what to do???? And I cannot waste these perfectly good ingredients.....so I started to think....if I haven't any peaches, whatever can I substitute? That can of pumpkin pie filling back there? Oh what manner of heinous fuckery would THAT be? No, no, no, boys and girls. Cream of mushroom soup?

Uh........no.

Then I had a brilliant idea.....Ameretto! Oh yes, boys and girls, I aimed to get your cousin Pixie tipsy on alcoholic cobbler! So I put about 1/2 of Ameretto in the batter.....ok, maybe it was a cup. Then I sprinkled some pecans in and some cinnamon and dumped the batter into the butter....sans peaches.....and put it in the oven to bake.

I must admit, boys and girls, that it did smell mighty fine. But the proof, as we all know, is in the pudding. Or rather ~ in this case ~ the Alcoholic Anti~Peach Cobbler.

I tasted first, after we consumed mass quantities of salad and chili and whole wheat rolls....just so your cousin Pixie wouldn't fall down drunk in a stupor. And I was rather surprised!

The top was all torched & glazed over...much like your creme brulee` ~ and the only thing that would have made it BETTER (your cousin Pixie and I had discussion about this) would have been a dollop (or 6) of Vanilla Bean Blue Bell on top.

And that, boys and girls, is the story of your Auntie Diva's Anti~Peach Cobbler.

Signed,

Your Auntie Diva, Screw~Up Chef to all the cousins...

Heinous fuckery indeed. I'm glad you were able to prevail.

Mmmmmm....sirloin....

[Mr. Moon]

Originally Posted by Diva

The top was all torched & glazed over...

..

When I read this part....my first thought was..."Oh they were hammered ?"



hehehe
-Mr. Moon

[Diva]

Originally Posted by Mr. Moon

When I read this part....my first thought was..."Oh they were hammered ?"



hehehe
-Mr. Moon

That would be fried, Mr. Moon. It is a culinary household, after all....<giggle>

"Hammered" is for boys.