Grieving

[MsTinkerbelly]

I managed to make it through the weekend in one piece, and actually had a better time of it than I thought I would. Oh there was a huge meltdown in the kitchen while holding the turkey, but my Kasey has the patience of a saint and the day continued on peacefully.

Memeories of past Holidays were there among the new ones, but we did something that made us all feel good to finish off the day; we packaged up individual Turkey dinners and went around the area giving food, blankets and cash to those less fortunate than ourselves. The girls felt good and had something to think about, and we were able to share the abundance of our lives. I think we have happened upon a brand new family tradition.

[Mr. Moon]

Well, the world is gearing up for Christmas.

I haven't thought much about it till today.

Bad day to say the least. I sat here tonight and watched a "tree" lighting in Baltimore on tv and just cried and cried.

This isn't going to be easy by no means.

My parents and I have started talking about doing something different for the holiday but somehow that feels just as awful and continuing our usual.

Somehow I have to gather some focus for gifts for folks....Time seems to be going so fast I suddenly feel rushed.

Anyway, thanks for this place that I can say all this and you all somehow understand.

I hope you all are doing well...
- Mr. Moon

[JAGG]

I lost my big brother in May. It was unexpected. He was diabetic but it had nothing to do with his death. He had an infection in his stomach they couldn't stop it from spreading.
His birthday was last week. He would have been 52. That was a hard day. But my heart really aches for my sister in law . My brother was her world ,her heart and soul, she truly loved him. She understood him, she knew how to get through to him. He was her rock. He died on there anniversary. Very sad. She is broken and lost . She struggles very hard everyday to press on without him. I wish I could make her pain disappear. She is my definition of a devoted and loving wife. She is so kind and so caring. But she has her mom and sister and neices and her sister's husband plus all my siblings to help her. We are all very close.
I know there was no other woman for my brother but her. I know in his life he felt truly loved because of her. I find comfort in that.
He was the best big brother. He taught me how to bat, and how to throw a baseball real fast. He taught me how to slide and how to steal a base. He taught me all the rules of football, and some good wrestling moves so I could make someone tap out. He was a boxer, and he used to let me spar with him at the Y when I was in high school. I loved going to the Y with him. We both love the Phillies and the Yankees and the Steelers.
He always bought the best christmas presents, and the best birthday gifts.
I miss talking about sports with him. He was the most intelligent of all my siblings, he could answer all the questions on jeapory, and don't ever play trivial pursuit with him.
I know he's with me sometimes I can feel him . Sure do miss him.

[MsTinkerbelly]

We have debated long and hard over what to do this holiday season....my Mom absolutely LOVED the Christmas Holiday. I really believe in my heart that she wants us to celebrate Christmas.

The same as always...no we are struggling to find something that feels comfortable.

Take care of yourselves.

[MsTinkerbelly]

What a week!

My daughter had to go to CVS to pick up a couple of things, and as it was raining I took her over to the store. While I was there I thought I would pick up my Christmas cards to my Honey and my daughter; that was where Amy found me, standing in front of the greeting cards sobbing my heart out because I will never buy my Mom another card. Ever.

It is the unexpected things like that where I am reminded once again of how much I lost when she left us.

[Mr. Moon]

Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly

What a week!

My daughter had to go to CVS to pick up a couple of things, and as it was raining I took her over to the store. While I was there I thought I would pick up my Christmas cards to my Honey and my daughter; that was where Amy found me, standing in front of the greeting cards sobbing my heart out because I will never buy my Mom another card. Ever.

It is the unexpected things like that where I am reminded once again of how much I lost when she left us.

I understand this totally! I had a similar melt down about shopping because I wasn't shopping for my brother.


((((((((((You))))))))))))

My head knows this will get better....it just doesn't feel that way right now, does it?

Have a good holiday when you can!
-Mr. Moon

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Mr. Moon

I understand this totally! I had a similar melt down about shopping because I wasn't shopping for my brother.


((((((((((You))))))))))))

My head knows this will get better....it just doesn't feel that way right now, does it?

Have a good holiday when you can!
-Mr. Moon

Thank you very much, you are very thoughtful for thinking of me during this most incredibly hard time for you and your family.

Many blessings to you and yours, with hope for a peaceful and healing New Year.

[Mr. Moon]

Me again....

I just wanted to let this out before I explode...

Today has been a pretty damn awful day.

I can't get myself out of this ... whatever.

and, I figured some of you understand this.

But, I wrapped the gifts, got the food and will pack the car and the dog and go to my parents....

I hope tomorrow is better....but somehow...I really doubt that.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday. Love each other....

xo's,
-Mr. Moon

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Mr. Moon

Me again....

I just wanted to let this out before I explode...

Today has been a pretty damn awful day.

I can't get myself out of this ... whatever.

and, I figured some of you understand this.

But, I wrapped the gifts, got the food and will pack the car and the dog and go to my parents....

I hope tomorrow is better....but somehow...I really doubt that.

I wish you all a Happy Holiday. Love each other....

xo's,
-Mr. Moon

I hope you are doing better, and that you made it through the Holiday okay. {{Mr. Moon}}

Blessings

[Andrew, Jr.]

When my older sister died from cancer a little over 2 years ago, it hit me hard. There are alot of firsts that I remember...the first Christmas, JoAnn was gone and couldn't help decorate her home, the first birthday celebration of her youngest son - and she not present to help get bake his cake, and make a fantastic meal and invite oodles of people over to celebrate.

Death is forever. It changes everything about how I live life now. Her presence is felt. And she does live in her children, and how she raised them until she died. I can see her in them. The color of their hair, the smile, the simple hand gestures, and sometimes laughing I feel like it is her because of how similar it sounds.

So yes, I do understand. Remember we are just passing thru this life for the next.

I hope you all find some comfort and peace.

[iamkeri1]

Andrew, I can not believe it has been three years since your sister died. It was so hard for you. It's amazing to me that somehow we live through that kind of deep grief.

My beloved husband of 25 years died seven years ago this morning. I was up most of last night crying. This year has been much harder than the last few death anniversaries. I had never dated since his death until the last year or so. I dated two people casually, just for companionship. Then I met a very nice FTMan and was briefly engaged. For several months now I have been doing the long distance thing with a wonderful butch that is just such a big part of my heart.

I think the problem this year is that I AM dating. I feel like I am leaving my darling behind and it is tearing me up. I want to have a new love, I want to be happy again. But even after all these years I do not understand how the one I loved so much for so long is gone from my life. He was too young to die. He did not live to see our four childern grow up. And now we have a grand son that he will never see. He loved babies so much. We would immediately move toward any friend or family member in a room who had a baby and just be so fascinated and enthralled by it. Before you knew it he was walking around the room carrying the baby, chattering away to the baby and doing his best to make it laugh. Our grandson is missing alot not having him in his life.

The new love of my life is so wonderful. I called hym in the middle of the night and woke hym from a sound sleep (hy was actually even sick and had had a hard time going to sleep.) Hy woke right up and talked to me for hours until I felt better and thought I might be able to sleep. Hy called again this morning to make sure I was OK. Hy is so good about my life before we met. Hy wants to know all about my hubby and our life together. Hy is not jealous, but say hy loves hubby because he took such good care of me and made me happy.

I don't know what the future holds for us. We are both in our 60's and have homes of our own on opposite sides of the country. We are both willing to relocate, so that is a good thing. I want to be with hym. That is all I know so far. He makes me laugh and he has brought happiness back in to my life.

DomnNC says:
However that doesn't mean there isn't room for someone new and when it's right it will just happen, that's all there is to it. Whoever that person is will have to accept my wife as well because I refuse to act/live as if I never had a life or love before them, she was part of who made me who I am today.

I agree completely with this statement. There is much I love about my new love, but the fact that he is so wonderful about the first love of my heart has won him a permanent place in my heart, and hopefully a permanent place in my life as well.

Blessings to all of you who are moving through these holiday with the empty spaces in your lives. I wish you peace, and an eventual return to joy.

Smooches,
Keri

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hey Keri,

Yes, grief is very strange indeed. To me it is like waves of the ocean. Some are huge just crashing ashore, and then some are very small - so small that you can barely see them ripple. None the less, they are there.

After JoAnn died, my stepfather died from heart failure in May of that year. A year before, I buried my adopted mother (Altzheimer's Disease on New Year's Eve). It has been very hard because I was involved in each one's life and death. I had to help them die with grace, and inner peace. I hope and pray that I did give them that.

The one thing I did was go to Grief Share. It is a support group for people who are grieving. By far it was the very best thing I ever could have done for myself. I recommend it to anyone who is Christain because it is based on Christain beliefs & values. If someone is not Christain (ie: Pagan, Jewish, Hindhu, Islamic, and so on) where they can go or what support groups are open to them to help them heal.

Life is good. Just very hard & very unfair in my opinion. I will never understand how some people just have all the luck in the world, and every door is open to them. Others just struggle.

Peace to all,
Andrew

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Hey Keri,

Yes, grief is very strange indeed. To me it is like waves of the ocean. Some are huge just crashing ashore, and then some are very small - so small that you can barely see them ripple. None the less, they are there.

After JoAnn died, my stepfather died from heart failure in May of that year. A year before, I buried my adopted mother (Altzheimer's Disease on New Year's Eve). It has been very hard because I was involved in each one's life and death. I had to help them die with grace, and inner peace. I hope and pray that I did give them that.

The one thing I did was go to Grief Share. It is a support group for people who are grieving. By far it was the very best thing I ever could have done for myself. I recommend it to anyone who is Christain because it is based on Christain beliefs & values. If someone is not Christain (ie: Pagan, Jewish, Hindhu, Islamic, and so on) where they can go or what support groups are open to them to help them heal.

Life is good. Just very hard & very unfair in my opinion. I will never understand how some people just have all the luck in the world, and every door is open to them. Others just struggle.

Peace to all,
Andrew

You're right. Life is NOT fair. Did anyone ever promise that it would be? If I thought there was anything fair about this I would have lost my mind long, long ago. We either play the hand we're dealt or we cash out.

Andrew, your burden has been heavy, but you still sound strong to me. Like you, I've been struggling with consecutive losses. One thing I never let myself do is notice that others seem to struggle less with a far lighter load. I can't/don't/won't compare myself and my life to theirs. I'm only concerned with managing my own.

Like Andrew I found a bereavement support group that was a tremendous help for me. We have wonderful resources for the GLBTQ community here in NYC and I joined a gay bereavement support group through the Center. I hope that anyone who needs one can find a similar group in their community.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Cheryl,

Your post was wonderful. It makes perfect sense. I just struggle with the loss of those relationships I had. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Nothing was better than going to an Eagles Football game with my stepfather, drinking a beer, and talking about the cheerleaders. He called me HIS child, more importantly I felt like I belonged. I wasn't a misfit or wacko because of my tics, inability to read/comprehend something in front of me, or having that paniced feeling of being in a crowd. I had someone who understood, and was there to help me when I got that way. Nobody was there belittling me, laughing, pointing fingers, and so on. I was taken out of the situation. He paid for a club box so it would be easier for me to go with him. For years, we were there at every Eagles game. I treasure those memories, and the fact that he had the money to pay for that. It was a blessing.

I think grief is different for those of us who are handicapped. Everyone grieves their own way. But for those who are handicapped, it is much more intense. What is in our mind, and what we are able to verbalize is so hard to do. I know that is how it is for me.

Again, thank you for your post.

[Mr. Moon]

Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL

I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point.

So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can.

I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult.

But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step....

Love to all,
-Moon

[Andrew, Jr.]

I hope everyone here is doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Mr. Moon

Hey everyone. I like reading all the posts and finding things in each of them that strike a chord with me, something I can think about, something that helps me feel I'm not losing it or something (even if I know I'm not). LOL

I am still breathing. I have to say that I don't find many things "fun" at the moment. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Or maybe it's just "when" will I feel happiness again. I realize I'll feel better at some point.

So I've decided to get a grip and clean this house up, and get out of it more. That's hard because my dog is getting old and I work all day. I don't want her later years to be spent missing me. So I'm going to do what I can.

I'm just glad the "Holidays" are pretty much over. I went through the motions and walked through them. On the other side it's just mundane and difficult.

But I will wake tomorrow and put forth more effort to have my surroundings help me mood. That's my first step....

Love to all,
-Moon

I bolded and highlighted just a snipet because it made me stop and think for a moment....I still have those huge crashing waves of grief that Andrew mentioned, but the MAJORITY of the time I am happy and moving on!

It sounds trite, and at the time you think "oh yeah, you don't understand MY grief", but when people say that time dulls the grief, they are so right.

Hang in there Mr. Moon, it really does get better.

[Mr. Moon]

Hey everyone.

Hope you all are feeling a bit better and muddling through.

So a friend of mine lost a close friend, one I knew also, and it reminded me of my first real loss, another friend of these two.. if you can follow that. Anyway, my first "loss" at 30 years old was a gay male friend of mine who was ..yes, like a brother to me. So now, that brought up all that and well...we all know where it went from there.

I cleaned out some picture drawers today and put them in storage bins.

I just feel oddly empty. Sad, drained. I found alot of cards, many from my brother. I miss him. I really do. I just wanted to say that.

Thanks for reading me....somehow knowing someone knows...helps.

-Moon

[Andrew, Jr.]

Moonster,

One never gets over death. The grief will stay with you for the remainder of your life. It changes, and it does get better.

I wish you tons and tons of love and peace.

[Gráinne]

Obviously, this is a much-read thread for me today.

Twenty years ago (!), I got pregnant for the first time. Even though it was far from an ideal situation, I was excited about becoming a mother. I read all the books, bought maternity clothes months ahead, etc.

At my 12 week ultrasound, I was watching the screen only to see no heartbeat. The baby was dead inside me. I had to be admitted for an operation. I just remember being on autopilot, completely stunned.

I remember going for a walk after I got home, some days later. It was November, and I prayed for my baby and that she (I'd felt strongly that it was a girl) would go to a good home, one better for her (I know that makes her sound like a pet). Seven months later, my best friend gave birth to a girl.

I always remember her on every anniversary, and cannot believe that if she'd lived, I'd have a daughter in college right now.

My mother passed on April 28, 1996-her 78th birthday. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer six weeks earlier. Of course, it was close to Mother's Day. I still can't go into stores around that time.

I remember my mother going in and out of alertness, calling to her long-dead parents as if they were right there. It was that experience that convinced me that our loved ones "come back" for us when it's our time.

My oldest brother died suddenly of a heart attack in Sept. 2006. Then my former sister-in-law in Sept. 2007. Finally, my father in Sept. 2008. I began to hate the High Holidays and Yom Kippur. With my father, he was diagnosed with throat cancer two weeks before he passed. He was 92, so I think he was just ready to go.

And now my next-oldest brother, who was sick for a few years but it sounds like he passed easily. It wasn't even unexpected.

And I feel so damn guilty because I don't want to go to his service. He was a mean thing when he'd been drinking. Part of me just doesn't want to bother, but I would probably regret it. I don't know. I feel this bubbling anger, and I have no one who would understand. My family would be shocked if I said "I'm not going".

I'm probably not thinking clearly. I hope all of you who have had loss are at peace today.