Being Friends with an Ex - How Long

[Duchess]

Daryn honey, this is something you have to play by ear. You can't force this issue. Concentrate on you sweetie..

I have effortless friendships with all of my exes except one. Whenever I think of her, that woman in Texas(?) with the dentist husband comes to mind. Remember how she repeatedly drove over his body?..Just sayin'...
You get the point.

Duchess

[Boots13]

I think the circumstances of ending the relationship are telling.

If it involved deceit, gross lapse in integrity or judgment, infidelity, etc. then
no...I don't want that attitude or character type anywhere near me.

If it involved two people who agreed they couldn't see an intimate future
with each other, then I think its OK to explore a distant friendship but only
after questioning the motivations for pursuing that friendship. And I think an
honest self accounting needs to happen before you decide to move into friendship mode.

[friskyfemme]

Originally Posted by Boots13

I think the circumstances of ending the relationship are telling.

If it involved deceit, gross lapse in integrity or judgment, infidelity, etc. then
no...I don't want that attitude or character type anywhere near me.

If it involved two people who agreed they couldn't see an intimate future
with each other, then I think its OK to explore a distant friendship but only
after questioning the motivations for pursuing that friendship. And I think an
honest self accounting needs to happen before you decide to move into friendship mode.

Boots13,

I agree the circumstances should be in the forefront of whether you can be friends. My relationships have ended half by me half by the other and one was a draw. I think it was harder on me for me to break off a relationship. I never want to make someone feel bad.
However, once we have lost each other...I just as soon not rehash our relationship which always tends to happen(with mine). I don't harbor ill feelings about exes. I just feel the need to try to build a different relationship with them. I have always started my relationships as friendships, but once it moves to partnership, I can't step it back. I have been called shallow bcause of this...but oh well...I don't agree.

[WolfyOne]

I think relationships built on friendship first are the ones that stay with you even if the relationship fails. I've found in my years that sometimes being friends is all you were meant to be. Remaining friends after the break up may not always happen for one reason or another. In about 30 years, I've maintained friendships with all but 3 of my exes. Some of them took longer than others to keep. They may not all be close friendships because life has a way of keeping us all busy. Some I keep in contact with online, others by phone. R and I have talked about many of my exes and some she has even met. Some of them she liked while others shes said, what the hell were you thinking. I even had one that when we split the dogs up we had, got visitation rights. I'd drop my dog at her place for a weekend or week, so the dog still had time to play with her off spring. That was many years ago and what worked for me was great. It may not always work for someone else. Daryn, give her more time to make a new life and maybe she'll see things differently. It's always harder on the one that got dumped. I know, I've been at both ends.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Something that my late sister taught me that we all need to socialize with many. Everyone has something to contribute, no matter what it is. And nobody is an island. Just reach out.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Oiler41]

Originally Posted by Boots13

I think the circumstances of ending the relationship are telling.

If it involved deceit, gross lapse in integrity or judgment, infidelity, etc. then
no...I don't want that attitude or character type anywhere near me.

If it involved two people who agreed they couldn't see an intimate future
with each other, then I think its OK to explore a distant friendship but only
after questioning the motivations for pursuing that friendship. And I think an
honest self accounting needs to happen before you decide to move into friendship mode.

I agree with this thought process completely. I have a couple of ex's that I am still friends with and we communicate now and again, but not frequently. But, anyone I was ever with (dating or in a relationship) who, as you stated above, had difficulty with fidelity, integrity, honesty, etc., can be certain that I will cut them out of my life like a bad cancer. Once cancer is erradicated, I see no reason to invite it back into my sphere of life!

Glynn

[Deirdre]

Some people like to make clean breaks and call it a day. Others like to salvage what they can. I identify more with the latter, than the former. But not every post-relationship friendship works out the same, and some may take longer than others to make that transition. I have been relatively fortunate to have remained on good terms with most of my exes. It hasn't always been easy for new relationships, which I can sometimes understand, but I'm pretty adamant about not killing my past for the comfort of someone else.

My last relationship of 4 years was able to make that transition, though admittedly, it is still a little difficult and awkward. The adjustment isn't always easy to accept -- for either party -- regardless of how or who may have ended it. Old habits and such, I suppose.

I guess one of the most significant reasons I try to keep people in my life is that to me, it feels like such a waste to have shared so much with someone, only to relegate them to absence. In some cases, this is unavoidable, but where applicable, I do what I can to retain some semblance of friendship.

[girl_dee]

In my own feelings, I don't look at the good times as now being wasted because they are absent from my life, I embrace those times, try to let go of the icky times and move on. I also try (TRY) to say what could I have done differently, and learn from it.

There is only one person from my past that I have excluded from my life completely, each time she contacts me it confirms that I did the right thing in leaving her because she is still a royal mess, and I just don't need that in my life, I wish her well but I don't care to be part of the pity party, and I refuse to believe I am at fault for her reckless state.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I’m still friends with all but one of my ex.s…. I accept there were reasons the relationships didn’t work out and that is OK! I hold no malice or hatred because it’s too much energy and I only end up hurting myself more in the long run, which then stops me from living my life and being happy.

I feel we were in each others lives for a reason and I wouldn’t want to change that because we meant something to each other; we laughed, we had good times, we cried and we explored our worlds as a couple and as individuals within a relationship.

Even those I’ve dated and it’s not been anything more than a few dates, I’m still friendly with and in social gatherings I will chat too them.

I’m not by nature the type of person to deliberately ignore or hate an ex because it hurt me deeply when a long term relationship ends….I will distance myself from them for a while until I’ve healed enough to allow myself and them back into my life on a friendship level.

If an ex finds herself someone else, I AM genuinely happy for her, even if I’m still single. Although, I understand the concept of jealousy, I don’t feel the emotion and always hope it works out for them both.

[smouldering]

I think for me, i have to take each individual experience and go from there, How close we were, how the relationship played out and how it ended really determines how long it takes me to get to the point where i want to be friends or if i can even feel comfortable being friends with an ex.
I have an ex that we did maintain a friendship, but after they got involved with someone new, their new partner had issues with our friendship and so it ended.
I only have two ex's that i would never consider a friendship with and it has a lot to do with their behavior during our break up and how they act currently.

[Vlasta]

I personally believe if it's possible to be friend with my ex . it great . Which doesn't mean we are in each other live on daily bases . If we were worth it to share bed and had some feeling for each other it's worth a friend relationship for me .

I would never bring my ex into my present relationship , but exchange happy birthday , holiday cards it's really ok with me . Since I am single right now , I have more communication and support from my ex's . I do appreciate it .

Not all relations ships have to ended in bad way .

[hopelessromantic69]

The list is not long, but I have a decent relationship with all of my ex's. My ex husband of 9 years (who is staying with me for the holidays to see our boys and is nice enough to be doing the dishes right now lol), my ex partner of 10 years and the very few after that who have enriched my life in one way or another. One was a pain in my ass but it was worth it

It really comes down to maturity. I believe two mature people can depart without getting nasty as long as each person owns their stuff and doesnt try and blame the other for all the woes of the relationship.

It takes time to heal and minimal contact might be wise if there are hard feelings.

[Rivkeh]

Sometimes I have been able to and sometimes not, it depends on the circumstances at the time and the relationship. Ideally I think it's a great option if you can, considering all the time you may have spent together, and the experiences you have been through.

[starryeyes]

I am friends with all my exs except one. It just depends on the person I guess. I undertand why it is hard though. Watching someone that you love move on and form other relationships is challenging.