PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Andrew, Jr.]

I wanted to check in, and see how everyone was doing. I hope Christmas was good for everyone here. You all were in my prayers, and still are.

Be safe, be well, and be peaceful.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Christmas was stressful but thankfully is over for another year!

I have noticed that when other people act badly I feel like I need to change myself so they will maybe act better. Does anyone else do this?

[Andrew, Jr.]

No, I really don't.

When I was younger, and my father was in one of his moods and either verbally abusive and/or physically violent (like hitting me and leaving his handprint on my face, leg, arm, etc.), I wouldn't get emotional or acted out against him. Instead, I withdrew and became quiet and shy.

I too am glad Christmas is overwith. It is one less day I have to deal with it, and everything involved with my bio-family.

[TenderKnight]

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some reall signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responces to this thread and thanbk you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by TenderKnight

Wow, great thread. I have not had time to really read through it, but from what little I have read, I am relating to a LOT of folks. Thank you all for sharing on here, that is always a very brave thing to do, even if it is "just" online..

Now, about me.. I am a child abuse survivor. The sexual abuse went on for the first 3 to 4 years of my life and I still have emotional issues with relationships due to it, mostly equating sex with love, and the feeling that if there isn't sex, this person doesn't REALLY love me.. That is something that I am aware of and make my partners aware of, and I talk it out. Doesn't make it go away, but it helps.

More recently, I was a first responder to someone that got stabbed. I am not an EMT or a professional, but I was there when it happened and applied pressure to his wound. There was a LOT of blood and the guy that stabbed him (turned out to be his boyfriend), was there too, with his hands over mine. I didn't realize what was going on with the two, only that the victim was very upset and kept telling the other guy to go away. This all happened a week ago, but it seems MUCH longer ago for some reason.

Since then I have been showing some really signs of PTSD.. The insomnia and recalling the event are strongest, but the hyper awareness is there too.. It happened right outside of my place of work, so I recall it when ever I come in and late at night when I'm walking home. I have even drawn up in defensive stance when co-workers have startled me. It's weird to be on automatic like this.. But talking about it has helped a LOT. I have friends here with me that are a huge help.

Thank you all again for your responses to this thread and thank you for starting it in the first place.

In Light,
Tony

ps- the victim is alive now and the suspect is in jail, facing trial..

So glad to know that the victim is OK.

It is amazing how when we think we have done the work and are all better something can happen and send us right back into full blown PTSD or meltdown mode (as I call it). The hyper awareness, the startle response.

I don't know the answer, my therapist says that the body learns ways of keeping us safe and it kicks in when it feels threatened and overrides all our best intentions.

So sorry you are experiencing this. Know that we are here if you need to vent or share!

Hugs,

Jen

[TenderKnight]

Jen,

Thank you very much for your responce. I feel like I've kinda shut down emotionally on some levels.. It's pretty weird, but it's good to know that I have a place to go if my head is spinning at three am and I need to vent.. lol

-Tony

[Apocalipstic]

I totally get the feeling shut down emotionally thing! Right there with ya!

[JinxdGirl]

PTSD is on my laundry list of brokenness. It affects my sleep more than anything else. The cause is simple, the same story so many have already shared, just a different girl. Just once I'd like to sleep through the whole night without waking up feeling as though I'm being suffocated. Just once I'd like to kiss someone deeply, passionately and not have flashbacks for the week + following said kiss. Just once I'd like to be less broken.

[Apocalipstic]

So my therapist keeps coming up with projects to calm my mind.

While I was in NYC I was supposed to draw my feeeeelings, then write a haiku.



My feeeelings ended up being black sharpies markings and my haikus about death.

Glad to be home.

Embarrassed to have to go and report at therapy tomorrow.

[AtLast]

Big hug to all..... sometimes I read your posts and cry. Sometimes I read your posts and I am so happy for your good days and doing betterexperiences, I smile, a BIG smile! Sometimes, I just want to sprinkle all gone dust all around each and every person that posts here... (when WILL this be available OTC?)

Guess, I have to settle for a virtual group hug!

[Apocalipstic]

I love the All Gone Powder idea!

Grin!

[Jet]

The time has come to face to face, head on, with demons in my life. It had to come to this moment when I think all is lost, and I stand in a desolate place— God and me— right and wrong — good and evil— past and present and I know not the outcome other than the fact that no matter what, I have the greatest ally in all of creation. Trust me, I have fought Him on everything . But today is my hour to facing hell on the horizon and I can barley hold up knowing what awaits. I hope that whoever reads this—the struggling, the fearlful, the defeated—you must know that no matter how torturous, the outcome will be in God's hands. And even though the odds seem impossible, any thing is possible with the help of a higher power. This is about winning when everthing is against you....

This post is my song today and for all who an relate.

[Jet]

Thanks for your reps and comments everyone. I need to say this: I am Catholic and I have always believed overcoming difficulties and facing terrible odds could be done with God's help. But I am no saint or good guy by any stretch of the imagination. I scream at God because of the pain, and for things happening to me the way they did. I've told Him I hated Him. And you know what? He forgives it and we move on. But I'm mad, damn mad that I have to go through this again step by step, moment by moment. I fucking don't want to be here, its that simple. And there's nothing I can do about that because I am a Catholic.

Nowt we're reaching into the core of injuries where there is anger and bitterness and hatred for life because of the pain. At the core are the memories of what happened and a wound that needs to be cleansed. And none of this will be accomplished without facing the bitter details, the toxic shame, the villifying and subjugation that I endured one terrible night. It's all in my face now — memories that are thorough and, unfortunately, surfacing against my will.

This is a process.

I don't know if any of you will have to face or deal with your trauma in this manner. But the bottom line is getting to and dealing with severe injuries no matter how indignant or frightening or demoralizing. I have been afflicted physically, neurologically, mentally and I have lost my life as it once was. I'm pissed. And the entire purpose of this post is tell you that it's okay to be pissed and run the gamut of emotions because its part of being human and severely injured.

Do you honestly think God expects us to accept and move through our terrors and bagage with the pomp and peagantry of the guardsman at Buckingham Palace? Wow. Than I must be a child of a lesser god.

Life is getting worse as the core of this "thing" surfaces. I may not handle it,
but I am here wish you all the best in your journey.

[Apocalipstic]

I am having a difficult time facing things becasue I feel so dumb and weak. Stupid in fact for even having had these things happen, and not being over it.

When I was a kid, no matter what happened I was told to "buck up", or "chin up little soldier", even when my mother died....so I feel so incredibly stupid not being over stuff.

I have a therapist appt I need to leave for in 15 minutes and I feel sick at my stomach about it. Stupid stupid stupid even talking about this stuff.

[Apocalipstic]

panicccccc

[Apocalipstic]

I am finaly calmed down a bit. When I am really freaked out sounds come in waves and my ears burn. Weird huh?

Apparently therapist thinks I am way more sane than I do. She also thinks I need to do stand up comedy?

[Witch]

Symptoms of PTSD can include:
Hypervigilance and scanning
Elevated startle response (check)
Blunted affect, psychic numbing (check)
Aggressive, controlling behavior (a high degree of insistence on getting your way) (check)
Interruption of memory and concentration(check)
Depression (check)
Violent eruptions of rage (check)
Substance abuse (check)
Intrusive recall -- different from normal memory in that it brings with it stress and anxiety (check)
Dissociative experiences, including dissociative flashbacks (check)
Insomnia(check)
Suicidal ideation (check)
Survivor guilt
__________________

[Apocalipstic]

Holding space for all of us!

CCB, I hope he is old and dies...I mean, goes into a nursing home soon, then you won't have to see him. The good part about getting older is that for me, those people are not still around! Sending love and space and holding the high watch for you as you process.

Welcome Witch, looks like you found the right place! xoxoxo

Amulette and K - I can only stand EMDR form time to time. Take care of yourselves. Baths, plenty of sleep and lots of water.

K - dearest friend. Best to you in your new EMDR endeavor. It does help blur the edges of the pain. It's difficult at the time, but I can really tell the difference over time. I have also had brain spotting, which is similar but not as difficult to process.

Its a decent week for me. I am not sleeping well, but also not hiding under my desk at loud sounds. I struggle with maybe getting a less stressful job, but think what I do is important.

Sweet calming vibes to all of you!

[JustLovelyJenn]

I did some self care this week that really helped me. I set some boundaries for those around me and I have been working on creating a welcoming space for myself. We had to do some rearranging in our home to make sure that everyone has the spaces they need, but, its helping already... even with the stacked boxes I am trying to sort through I still feel like my space is more of what I need, and my daughter is feeling the same way in her new space.

What do you all do to create safe spaces for yourself? What things help you feel comfortable? What things do you absolutly need for that feeling of security?

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by JustLovelyJenn

I did some self care this week that really helped me. I set some boundaries for those around me and I have been working on creating a welcoming space for myself. We had to do some rearranging in our home to make sure that everyone has the spaces they need, but, its helping already... even with the stacked boxes I am trying to sort through I still feel like my space is more of what I need, and my daughter is feeling the same way in her new space.

What do you all do to create safe spaces for yourself? What things help you feel comfortable? What things do you absolutly need for that feeling of security?

What a great post! I have to have my own space too! Its weird too, sometimes I have to move things around till I feel safe. I recently moved and have boxes too lol. Its a studio basically 2 large rooms and I had one as living room and one as kitchen/bedroom. I did not feel right in that room...so I (with help) moved my bed into the larger living room and it feels perfect. I have huge windows with lots of trees and it calms me. It is in a huge house built in the 1920s, separated into studios. Nashville has gotten hellishly expensive. Anyway, having people in the house at night, but not in my space, is really helpful. I am not scared that way.

I'm working on getting unpacked. I organized my books last weekend and that gave me a sense of calm too.

Ohhhh, and I have always had a grocery store phobia thing where I get overwhelmed and have to leave. However, something I find is helping is that I do not have to explain to anyone what I bought, and why....and things can go in my bags how I want....and I am less stressed about it.

Even at work, I have my own office and I got floral paintings at a church festival and international gifts from clients to decorate. I had maintenance take out almost all of the overhead lighting. Too much bright light makes me anxious.

I am super glad to hear you are carving out space for you and that your daughter has a mom who understand she needs her own space.

Sending love your way!

J