"You're Not A Lesbian......" So Annoying!

[kix4funchick]

Okay well I have just decided to come out to whoever asks and I do identify as Pomosexual since I'm like -0.00000000000000000001/4% attracted to male-bodied people (like not even really attracted, but that's just saying that there's that much chance that I MIGHT be attracted to male-bodied people) and like a bajillion% attracted to female-bodied people. So basically, I'm a lesbian, but I just don't like labeling myself because....I just don't, and that's just me.

Okay, so because I don't feel like explaining my sexuality, I just say I'm gay. Because basically, I AM. Well there have been twice where I was told I wasn't. One woman was like "You're not a lesbian! You're bisexual!" Another was like "You're not gay, you just need to experiment." I found this to be annoying. How would anybody know what you are except for you? Plus I HAVE experimented. I've had enough boyfriends to know that guys just aren't for me.

Has anybody else had similar situations like this?

[The_Lady_Snow]

Yes.

My answer to that question

I'm a Queer Femme, who I fuck is not your business

Don't let ANYONE make you question who you are, life is to short, sex feels to good for you to miss out on because of someone elses hang ups!

[princessbelle]

We all evolved to who we are today and most are still evolving. Don't worry so much...is my .2.

Reading, growing, studying, emerging, enveloping, understanding IS belonging. Lables are only specific to individuals who lable themselves..no one else.

Relax....it's not a open shut case. It don't have to be in a neat little box with a bow on top even though we may feel it should. Try to let go of that.

Just be you....that's what we are all trying to do...

Hugs.

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by kix4funchick

How would anybody know what you are except for you?

The answer: nobody could know that except for you. Many people out there just aren't comfortable with anything that isn't the "norm" or isn't like them, but that's their problem. In the end it doesn't matter what people say, doesn't matter how much a person has "experimented" or not, it's about how they experience themselves inside.

I think most on this forum have experienced something similar to what you've described to some degree or other, but I think most would agree that the best thing to do is just be who you are despite what other people say. They could never know unless you told them, and who you are really isn't up to them. Other than just be yourself, it might also be helpful to find a community wherein you can be yourself without worrying about people judging you.

[chefhottie25]

this use to happen to my ex girlfriend all the time. the worst part about it was that the comments mostly came
from her gay guy friends. it made her previous girlfriend paranoid...always questioning if she was really a
lesbian...and making comments every time she would talk innocently to guys. i was annoyed that she had to
always had to defend her sexuality. i felt bad for her. i could only be supportive. it wasn't an experience that
i could relate to. when someone claims how they choose to identify it is not open for discussion. it needs to
be respected. i offer my compassion to anyone going through this.

[betenoire]

Sometimes it feels like labels only exist to make OTHER people happy/comfortable.

You know. "Since you self-identify as lmnop and I self-identify as wxyz I know that you are inherently different from me." Which is, of course, bullshit.

ESPECIALLY to me it feels like bullshit when it comes to queer/gay/lesbian/bi/pansexual/whatever females. ESPECIALLY when those females are partnered with other females. You self-identifying as pomosexual and me self-identifying as queer means SHIT to people outside of the umbrella - and because it means shit to them we end up having a zillion similar experiences.

Because when it all boils down to it - no matter how you or I self-identify we are both females who (for the most part) partner with other females. Our fight isn't all that fucking different from the fight that gay women and lesbians have to fight.

A little less division, if you please?

[Chazz]

Originally Posted by kix4funchick

Okay well I have just decided to come out to whoever asks and I do identify as Pomosexual since I'm like -0.00000000000000000001/4% attracted to male-bodied people (like not even really attracted, but that's just saying that there's that much chance that I MIGHT be attracted to male-bodied people) and like a bajillion% attracted to female-bodied people. So basically, I'm a lesbian, but I just don't like labeling myself because....I just don't, and that's just me.

Okay, so because I don't feel like explaining my sexuality, I just say I'm gay. Because basically, I AM. Well there have been twice where I was told I wasn't. One woman was like "You're not a lesbian! You're bisexual!" Another was like "You're not gay, you just need to experiment." I found this to be annoying. How would anybody know what you are except for you? Plus I HAVE experimented. I've had enough boyfriends to know that guys just aren't for me.

Has anybody else had similar situations like this?

Heck, I believe you.

But no, I haven't had similar situations. I looks like a lesbian.

Whatever that means.

[LotusFlower]

I have had that happen - now why do you think I have been attending this gay event for months? Are there not other femmes here? Why in the world would you think I am straight???????????????

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by betenoire

Because when it all boils down to it - no matter how you or I self-identify we are both females who (for the most part) partner with other females. Our fight isn't all that fucking different from the fight that gay women and lesbians have to fight.

A little less division, if you please?

Agreed on the division bit and in general. And to add to that, the fight ain't all that different from what most within the LGBT spectrum have to deal with. Lesbian, queer, gay male, trans what have you, nobody is left out of the discrimination tossed at us in general. It's far easier to fight that unified than divided.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by kix4funchick

Okay well I have just decided to come out to whoever asks and I do identify as Pomosexual since I'm like -0.00000000000000000001/4% attracted to male-bodied people (like not even really attracted, but that's just saying that there's that much chance that I MIGHT be attracted to male-bodied people) and like a bajillion% attracted to female-bodied people. So basically, I'm a lesbian, but I just don't like labeling myself because....I just don't, and that's just me.

Okay, so because I don't feel like explaining my sexuality, I just say I'm gay. Because basically, I AM. Well there have been twice where I was told I wasn't. One woman was like "You're not a lesbian! You're bisexual!" Another was like "You're not gay, you just need to experiment." I found this to be annoying. How would anybody know what you are except for you? Plus I HAVE experimented. I've had enough boyfriends to know that guys just aren't for me.

Has anybody else had similar situations like this?

jesus. everyday when I first came out. you wouldn't *believe* how many of my dyke mates/dyke acquaintances/people in the local community told me I was not a dyke/a lesbian id'd bisexual/not really a lesbian/a piece of fluff etc etc etc.

I refused to ID as a lesbian for several years because of it. I just used queer. I thought "fine if you don't want me in your club, fuck you, I'm not."

then after a while, after moving cities a few times, meeting many people on websites and events etc, I personally realised only I get to define what lesbian means to me. I also really don't appreciate some wankstain telling me who I am. you aren't a lesbian just makes me roll my eyes - and I rarely ever hear it now, due to where I live now. when I do hear it, it's from newly out dykes with something to prove in a line up for gay club.

I only get that annoying question/statement from long term queers when I go out in a town, rather than a big city. they basically need to get out a bit more, as they obviously haven't lived outside their social group since the 80's.


Normally it's because they are inexperienced. Age doesnt' have much to do with it though - I had plenty of islander dykes in their 40's telling me I wasn't lesbian. They were just very small town and hadn't bothered travelling much or living outside their social circle. It's a dead give away they haven't experienced much lately in their lives.

It says absolutely nothing about you and exposes them for their a) ignorance and b) How many pieces of toilet paper do you use when you take a dump? cause you aren't wiping well enough. That shit is sticking to you.

[Tangle]

While I don't actually identify as a "lesbian," I so understand the disappointment and indignance brought on by people in the queer community who question my stated identity and tell me that the way I love is just too different. People in the dyke community - who *should* understand the need for non-judgment and a person's right to determine her own boundaries and definitions - can be extremely boxed in. I guess it's just the story of humanity that we all want to identify self from other, in from out, safe from threat ... but it is just plain hurtful sometimes when you expect to feel like you're in a safe space, and a big part of your core self (who you love and how you express it) is criticized.

I guess the beauty of experience, though, is the grace to be able to say "fuck it" and live your life. With a smile and curtsie!

[PumaJ]

It seems that some folks just can't see past stereotypes, even in our community and in the Queer community in general.

I've never been hassled or told I'm not a Lesbian, or am too Femme to be a Lesbian by anyone in the communities I've hung out in. There have been a few hetero guys who've had some trouble wrapping their brains around the concept over the years and recently a young Bi guy questioned me. But, overall I've not gotten the "you're not a Lesbian" accusation from others within the community. Maybe it is living on the West Coast that makes the diff, IDK.

Within a couple to three years of coming out, I got hassled a bit by some of the radical lesbian feminists in my outer circle about being "too femme". They didn't like that I wore mascara. The Dykes who were really Butches never hassled me, and the "older" Butches and Femmes encouraged me.

[WILDCAT]

Originally Posted by tanglelips

While I don't actually identify as a "lesbian," I so understand the disappointment and indignance brought on by people in the queer community who question my stated identity and tell me that the way I love is just too different. People in the dyke community - who *should* understand the need for non-judgment and a person's right to determine her own boundaries and definitions - can be extremely boxed in. I guess it's just the story of humanity that we all want to identify self from other, in from out, safe from threat ... but it is just plain hurtful sometimes when you expect to feel like you're in a safe space, and a big part of your core self (who you love and how you express it) is criticized.

I guess the beauty of experience, though, is the grace to be able to say "fuck it" and live your life. With a smile and curtsie!

__

I would LOVE for your "stated identity; your right to determine your own boundaries and definitions" to be understood and respected - as I would love for mine to be as well. Especially in our community.



Thank you so much for sharing this.


(*Thanks for letting me share here... WILDCAT)

[PumaJ]

Rock on Aryka!

[Quintease]

The first person who told me I 'wasn't really a lesbian' was the second lesbian friend I ever had and just as femme as me! 5 years later she got with the man who is now her husband.

Since then I've had it from Drag Queens ('watch her, she's clearly not a lesbian), gay men ('are you a lipstick lesbian?'), straight men in gay clubs ('I saw you and thought, no, she's not a lesbian'), other lesbians ('so, you like sleep with men as well don't you?'), and straight couples at gay prides/events ('you're so pretty you can't be a lesbian, you could have any man you want!'). It was all so IRRITATING!

Only now I really am with a man and suddenly its 'What? But you're a LESBIAN! What's going on?'. One of my friends even warned my bf not to get 'too attached' as I was clearly going to break his heart.

I think people just like to be contrary, so you may as well stick to Pomosexual.

[undone]

When I first came out and began a relationship and trying to figure out how meet, relate, god help me to date other women was a force to be reckoned with for me. (mind you thins is after having been married way to young, to an obstinate, macho man, and living in a very small town where the folks I knew were not so inclusive.) I did not know where or who to turn to once I got my head space and really knew for certain. My friends did not/could not understand so I took to the web (that was still really new to me since my ex husband felt like I would some how break such a precious machine by looking at it. I think he just did not like that I was faster at learning it than he was and could find things like the history button and see what he did on the nights I was the closing manager)

Sorry back to the topic… I went through my own issues of trying to figure out how I fit and trying to make new friends that I could relate to easier than my old ones or better who would relate to me with out feeling like I was something so different. I was semi professional in my regular dress and always feminine and felt absolutely invisible to every one. I was new at this but it was not something I was unsure about when I came to the life I wanted. I knew and wanted every one else to know also!!! I didn’t care who, but if I ever tried to go some where with out my girlfriend at the time I was seriously shut out. From younger girls bois women blocking my way in to a club, or what the hell looks from some one when I finally pushed through to get inside that I would try to talk to even just a little. As a painfully shy woman this pained me horribly.

To the dismay of my partner at the time I started changing the way I dressed outside of work because I hated feeling like I was an outcast and did not belong, maybe that would be enough to let me get my foot in the door? Of course that was foolish of me and I eventually came to realize that I am who I am and love skirts and dresses and like being girly even though I tend to be rougher and tougher than the women I have dated or known.

I never took to the label of lesbian but I love the term queer and gay, lesbian to my mind and perception is so defined and some what excluding , but queer and gay well I love that it includes ever one of us. And not because I want to be a part of a majority or some silly thing like that but because we all have some way a similar experience, another trying to lesson us because of the way our hearts souls and minds are geared towards something intimate, personal, and privet .

I suppose that my point is I think at least for my self and maybe for some that realize, come to terms with, or just learn to acknowledge that we are more drawn to a woman sexually latter in life, That we might go through a second hopefully much shorter and hopefully more intelligent version of pubescence in learning our selves our strengths and learning to trust ourselves to know our own self.

Boy I hope I make some sense here, it's been a very long day but I felt like I had something I wanted to share I just hope I wrote it the way I intend for it to be read and understood.

[Nat]

I had a palmreader tell me I wasn't "meant for this life" and that "something happened" that caused me to be "that way" - all while looking vampily meaningfully into my eyes.

Then she told me somebody who doesn't believe in Jesus had put a curse on me and for a hundred bucks, she could reverse it - and otherwise it would destroy my relationship.

Then she read my partner's palm and told her "not to break my heart."

So all y'alll non-jesus-loving cursers, please remove your curses because I don't have an extra hundred to spare. :P

[PumaJ]

Boy I hope I make some sense here, it's been a very long day but I felt like I had something I wanted to share I just hope I wrote it the way I intend for it to be read and understood. ~undone

Well, undone, you made a lot of sense to me and I appreciate that you shared that part of your story with us. Rock on sister! You totally get to define and embody your own heartfelt expression of Femme.

I had a palm reader tell me I wasn't "meant for this life" and that "something happened" that caused me to be "that way" ~ Nat

Nat, I truly hope you have been ROFL over this dubious claim.

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by PumaJ

I've never been hassled or told I'm not a Lesbian, or am too Femme to be a Lesbian by anyone in the communities I've hung out in. There have been a few hetero guys who've had some trouble wrapping their brains around the concept over the years and recently a young Bi guy questioned me. But, overall I've not gotten the "you're not a Lesbian" accusation from others within the community. Maybe it is living on the West Coast that makes the diff, IDK.

def not the west coast that makes the diff... i've been told by heteros i'm too "femme" to be a lesbian, that it's just a phase.. haha and i've been told by b/f i'm not "femme" enough or i'm not "femme" in the right way. i am so glad that THEY don't get to decide.

[NJFemmie]

I think EVERY lesbian has experienced the "you're not a lesbian" theory at some point in their lives. Point blank, no one can tell you how and what to feel, and especially can't tell you who you should have those feelings for ...
so, rock on lesbian. Dare to be yourself - whoever that may be.