"You're Not A Lesbian......" So Annoying!

[Lillie]

As a Femme who is out at work I don't usually get the shock and awe look!..HOWEVER..when I first came out at work no one would believe me some made ignorant statements like "no way..you have kids..you know you love cock" ..others would say "but your so limited sexually" When I told the straight chicks that it is them who are limited sexually you could see their wheels turning..lol..it shut them up and I am sure that there were some very happy husbands that night! lol. Either way the only statement about "your not a lesbian" or "your only a lesbian because of" (insert traumatic even of your chosing here) bothers me more than anything else said to me by straight folks.. I was abandoned by my mother so therefore I seek a womans companionship..that one gets me everytime!..

gives credence to "ignorance is bliss" I guess.

have a great Hump day!

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by Lillie

As a Femme who is out at work I don't usually get the shock and awe look!..HOWEVER..when I first came out at work no one would believe me some made ignorant statements like "no way..you have kids..you know you love cock" ..others would say "but your so limited sexually" When I told the straight chicks that it is them who are limited sexually you could see their wheels turning..lol..it shut them up and I am sure that there were some very happy husbands that night! lol. Either way the only statement about "your not a lesbian" or "your only a lesbian because of" (insert traumatic even of your chosing here) bothers me more than anything else said to me by straight folks.. I was abandoned by my mother so therefore I seek a womans companionship..that one gets me everytime!..

gives credence to "ignorance is bliss" I guess.

have a great Hump day!

Wow, sounds like some of the comments made to you at work constitute sexual harassment.

[starryeyes]

Yes, yes, yes. This happens all the time. Even at Queer events. How could I possibly be a Lesbian!? I dress nice, I wear heels, I wear make up, and I have designer bags. I am just a faghag... yeah that's it! And, I get this the most from our butches, unfortunately **frown**

I have used this as an opportunity to educate... that's all we can do!

Love to you all!
Starry

[sweet_goldie_grrl]

I've had people tell me that just because I'm super girly that I couldn't possibly be gay. What!! Are you kidding me??? There is no "one way" to be...you are who and how you are!! There was someone who messaged me on this site and said: "You aren't queer. Why are you here?" I was like WTF!! I was so annoyed and mad!! How DARE some asswipe think that because I'm not THEIR definition of what lesbian, queer, gay, etc is, that somehow I don't belong here!! I know where I belong.

I'm a babygirl femme lesban and I'm not going anywhere.

[tapu]

Originally Posted by kix4funchick

Okay well I have just decided to come out to whoever asks and I do identify as Pomosexual since I'm like -0.00000000000000000001/4% attracted to male-bodied people (like not even really attracted, but that's just saying that there's that much chance that I MIGHT be attracted to male-bodied people) and like a bajillion% attracted to female-bodied people. So basically, I'm a lesbian, but I just don't like labeling myself because....I just don't, and that's just me.

Okay, so because I don't feel like explaining my sexuality, I just say I'm gay. Because basically, I AM. Well there have been twice where I was told I wasn't. One woman was like "You're not a lesbian! You're bisexual!" Another was like "You're not gay, you just need to experiment." I found this to be annoying. How would anybody know what you are except for you? Plus I HAVE experimented. I've had enough boyfriends to know that guys just aren't for me.

Has anybody else had similar situations like this?

I mean no "shoulds" or "shouldn'ts" here, but I do think the people's reactions that you experienced are perfectly reasonable.

Words have meanings that are generally agreed upon culturally. If they didn't we couldn't communicate at all. Lesbian has the meaning of "attracted to women only" for the vast majority of speakers. When you equivocate and say that there is ANY chance you might be attracted to a man, then that triggers the word bisexual for most speakers.

If you wish to go into those details in describing yourself, I don't see how you can expect people to understand that you are using the words differently from their standard, accepted usage.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by sweet_goldie_grrl

There was someone who messaged me on this site and said: "You aren't queer. Why are you here?" I was like WTF!! I was so annoyed and mad!! How DARE some asswipe think that because I'm not THEIR definition of what lesbian, queer, gay, etc is, that somehow I don't belong here!! I know where I belong.

I'm a babygirl femme lesban and I'm not going anywhere.

I hope you reported them.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by sweet_goldie_grrl

I've had people tell me that just because I'm super girly that I couldn't possibly be gay. What!! Are you kidding me??? There is no "one way" to be...you are who and how you are!! There was someone who messaged me on this site and said: "You aren't queer. Why are you here?" I was like WTF!! I was so annoyed and mad!! How DARE some asswipe think that because I'm not THEIR definition of what lesbian, queer, gay, etc is, that somehow I don't belong here!! I know where I belong.

I'm a babygirl femme lesban and I'm not going anywhere.

I agree with Dapper this ugly behavior should be reported

[sweet_goldie_grrl]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

I hope you reported them.

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I agree with Dapper this ugly behavior should be reported

I didn't. I probably still could. I still have the email. It was from quite a few months ago.

I just remember feeling so mad and upset. I've NEVER been attacked like that before. It has taken me years to get to where I am now and I'll be damned if I'd let some jerk think that they can make me feel like I don't belong here.

I was just surprised that someone in our community would attack another member. We, as people in this big community, should be coming together, not attacking each other. We all get attacked in some way from people who aren't in our community so it's sad to see it happen amongst ourselves. Every person is different, with different likes, preferences, wants and needs.....someone may not agree or like it, but if they don't, then just leave it alone!! We are all looking for acceptance and a place to belong.

I know where I belong. I belong here, in this community. I belong with my Daddy. He is the center of my world and treats me with the utmost love and respect. That is where I belong.

[The_Lady_Snow]

I'm truly sorry this happened to you I think it would be wise to report this ugly incident it's pretty icky.


[

QUOTE=sweet_goldie_grrl;363048]I didn't. I probably still could. I still have the email. It was from quite a few months ago.

I just remember feeling so mad and upset. I've NEVER been attacked like that before. It has taken me years to get to where I am now and I'll be damned if I'd let some jerk think that they can make me feel like I don't belong here.

I was just surprised that someone in our community would attack another member. We, as people in this big community, should be coming together, not attacking each other. We all get attacked in some way from people who aren't in our community so it's sad to see it happen amongst ourselves. Every person is different, with different likes, preferences, wants and needs.....someone may not agree or like it, but if they don't, then just leave it alone!! We are all looking for acceptance and a place to belong.

I know where I belong. I belong here, in this community. I belong with my Daddy. He is the center of my world and treats me with the utmost love and respect. That is where I belong.[/QUOTE]

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by sweet_goldie_grrl

I didn't. I probably still could. I still have the email. It was from quite a few months ago.

I just remember feeling so mad and upset. I've NEVER been attacked like that before. It has taken me years to get to where I am now and I'll be damned if I'd let some jerk think that they can make me feel like I don't belong here.

I was just surprised that someone in our community would attack another member. We, as people in this big community, should be coming together, not attacking each other. We all get attacked in some way from people who aren't in our community so it's sad to see it happen amongst ourselves. Every person is different, with different likes, preferences, wants and needs.....someone may not agree or like it, but if they don't, then just leave it alone!! We are all looking for acceptance and a place to belong.

I know where I belong. I belong here, in this community. I belong with my Daddy. He is the center of my world and treats me with the utmost love and respect. That is where I belong.

I think you should report it. Otherwise the person may think they can do this to another person who comes to the site.

Just forward the PM to Admin.

[sweet_goldie_grrl]

Thanks y'all for being supportive!! Go to find, the person who sent me that email was banned a while ago, so it's taken care of!!

[little_ms_sunshyne]

I have definitely experienced this. It usually sounds like "Weren't you married?" My reply "Yes and that is why I am divorced!" Sheesh...

I am here because I needed a space where I am accepted and there are no boxes or boundaries.

Our lifestyle is amazing. You dont have to fit anyones definition of gay/lesbian/queer. You are free to love whomever you wish, free to explore, free to have fetishes, free to refer to yourself as whatever or whomever you like, free to just be you. I refuse to fit the norm not out of rebellion, but because I only get one shot at this life. I am a nostalgically catholic non practicing christian. A femme all the way with the mind of man. I am a little when there is thunder and all woman in the bedroom. My heart didn't fall in love with a gender but with a soul that fits like a puzzle piece with my own. And while I am still living, I will continue to explore the things that make happy.

Just my two cents...

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by kix4funchick

Okay well I have just decided to come out to whoever asks and I do identify as Pomosexual since I'm like -0.00000000000000000001/4% attracted to male-bodied people (like not even really attracted, but that's just saying that there's that much chance that I MIGHT be attracted to male-bodied people) and like a bajillion% attracted to female-bodied people. So basically, I'm a lesbian, but I just don't like labeling myself because....I just don't, and that's just me.

Okay, so because I don't feel like explaining my sexuality, I just say I'm gay. Because basically, I AM. Well there have been twice where I was told I wasn't. One woman was like "You're not a lesbian! You're bisexual!" Another was like "You're not gay, you just need to experiment." I found this to be annoying. How would anybody know what you are except for you? Plus I HAVE experimented. I've had enough boyfriends to know that guys just aren't for me.

Has anybody else had similar situations like this?

I suspect certain members of my immediate family secretly consider my current relationship a phase -- a reaction to failed hetero relationships. My favorite quote so far is, "Well, there's nothin' wrong with bein' a li'l gay... *awkward silence follows* ..."

Other than that, I haven't encountered much static over the issue. But then, I'm pretty oblivious to other people. The world is so full of happy, shiny things that distract me, it's hard to pay attention to sour-puss types

-S

[Quintease]

Originally Posted by Sassy

I suspect certain members of my immediate family secretly consider my current relationship a phase -- a reaction to failed hetero relationships. My favorite quote so far is, "Well, there's nothin' wrong with bein' a li'l gay... *awkward silence follows* ..."

My mother was actually happy for me to have met a nice, polite girl after walking out of a disastrous hetero relationship. I was overjoyed that she was so accepting... until I realised her acceptance was based on her belief that my gayness was just a phase.

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by Quintease

My mother was actually happy for me to have met a nice, polite girl after walking out of a disastrous hetero relationship. I was overjoyed that she was so accepting... until I realised her acceptance was based on her belief that my gayness was just a phase.

OK, that makes me cringe a little... I hope your mom comes around and it doesn't hurt your relationship. On my end, I'm giving my family member some time. This person has kids and lives in a small (I'm mean tiny, y'all) southern town. So I assume some of the hesitancy I sense has to do with them deciding whether to be open with their kids about who their aunt's new "friend" is... and that's fine for now. They're all under age 8. I'll let them deal with their kids their way. But they're polite and the kids are polite. And so long as everyone is treating everyone with respect I feel like we're in a good place so far...

[kix4funchick]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I agree with Dapper this ugly behavior should be reported

You should reprt them. That's not cool, and the person who messaged you should, of all people, understand since they're a part of this community.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

In the past I've had people comment that I don't 'act' gay/lesbian - I wasn't aware I was supposed too! ......I'm just me - I've always known my preference was/is for women and I show affection in public when with a partner.

I have been asked a couple of times by dates if I'm straight acting - to be honest, I've never known how to answer - I've never thought about it. I accept a woman for the way she is......I accept people as they are, I make no judgements, it's a pity we have to be labelled...

[Spanky]

when i came out in the 80s androgyny was the order of the day. i wore dresses and make-up and no one would talk to me. i tried for a more lesbian look, shaved my head and put on a vest... but that was not me, and in the end, my friends told me i couldn't really pull off butch if my life depended on it.

i appreciate the resurgence of femme our community, but i have had more than one person tell me i do not "look" like a lesbian. i have learned that all that means is that i do not set off their gaydar... those who pay attention see me just fine, for those who come with preconceived notions about what constitutes homosexuality, we are invisible on any plain.

in the mid 90s performance artists Shawna Dempsey and Lorri Milan did a piece that aired on Much Music called what does a lesbian look like that was fantastic... i was trying to find it, but found this instead, not the same thing, but still good, an excerpt from their movie "a day in the life of a bull dyke"

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1Kj3kAzsFQ"]What is a bull dyke ? A Universal appeal in my own Monstrosity - YouTube[/nomedia]

[midwest chick]

My daughter is heterosexual, but supports me completely. We were at a *gay* bar with some of her friends, and they got up to dance, while I went in search of the ladies' room. I was shocked when a few well meaning dykes offered to help me find 'my fag', they were shocked by my answer! It does seem to happen more frequently in small insular communities, and the only time I feel like I'm recognized, validated, or visible, is when I'm out with a gentlemyn butch. Is this taking advantage of hym?

How do you all feel about it?

[*Anya*]

It is the universal femme issue. We "look" straight so we are assumed to be straight unless we are with our butches. Unless we can somehow start to look butch, which we are not, or wear large pins that say: I may look straight but am really lesbian (or Stone Femme or whatever you ID as); I don't know what else we can do about it!

It is just the way it is. I don't see it as taking advantage of anyone, if I am somehow perceived to be a lesbian when I am with a butch. I call that a double-happy bonus.

Butches love us as femmes but then they can walk right by a femme and never see us for who and what we are.

Frustrating for both butches and femmes.