Trans Men and Butches Raising Femme Daughters.

[tuffboi29]

I am starting this thread for one reason...

I don't have a feminine bone in my body and I am raising a very femme little girl.


I find myself lost many times on many subjects. Such as hair..nails..clothes..and how to teach her about her femme self. For example.."shoes do not make the woman". I am at a total loss as to how to teach her to spread her wings and still maintain a respect level for herself in those regards.

So with this thread I am hoping to not only get some advice for myself but for other male identified members of The Planet who are facing the same issues as I.


Any advice, thoughts, hints, tips and ideas are welcome.




P.S.
TY Lady Snow

[Soft*Silver]

thank you for starting this thread. I know you have to have others in the same position..if not know, later, who will look for a thread like this. I know when I was younger, I was petrified of the possibility of bearing a boy child. I knew I would be a natural at raising a girl child, even if she were to be a tom boy. I had no clue how to raise a boy. And I had no men around to help me with it.

One thing I would suggest is to get your hands on some teen magazines and read up on alot of the issues she is going to encounter. Read ahead of her age, so you can be prepared. They will also give you fashion, make up, etc.

oh wait..how little is little?

[The_Lady_Snow]

This particular thread is emotional for me so please be patient, it's how we imprint our future women that I think will change the world.

My femme is gender, so with that said your daughter seems to walking towards the feminine *label*. With that said, she's a girl, who will grow up to be either queer, lesbian, straight, bisexual or genderqueer. She's going to have and has a herstory, teach it to her.

Teach her to hold her space, and not let anyone take it from her, teach her she is strong, that her value and worth is unending. Teach her to cook, work on a car, spit and serve a cup of tea. Teach it all to her. Teach her gender doesn't limit you, that you can be the girliest of girls even when you're wearing a pair of sweats and sneakers. Teach her she is beautiful exactly how she is, teach her about healthy sex, choice and that no one should exert themselves over her simply because she was is a *girl*

Teach her that her body is beautiful, teach her to not bow down to sexism or any ism that lessens her value.

Listen to her woes, don't run away when she has a moment of tears, hold her and tell her it will be ok and she will get past it, wipe her tears.

Watch Twilight 590 times because it's spending time with her, let her get glitter on you because not one hug should ever be missed, give her a safe haven always and always tell her how awesome she is. Love her with everything even if she screams of both masculinity within her femininity, always remind her girls can do anything they want at any time.

Don't sit like the old guy at the girl beauty shop, sit in a chair but once in awhile pay her a compliment or smile at her because she will be looking to see if you are interested in her life.

Allow her to be her, even at her pinkest or her darkest of colors, be honest with her never shaming her, be her confidant and base of trust.

Good luck with your daughter.

[Jesse]

Lady Snow,

This is one of the most beautiful things I've read in while. Great advice too!

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This particular thread is emotional for me so please be patient, it's how we imprint our future women that I think will change the world.

My femme is gender, so with that said your daughter seems to walking towards the feminine *label*. With that said, she's a girl, who will grow up to be either queer, lesbian, straight, bisexual or genderqueer. She's going to have and has a herstory, teach it to her.

Teach her to hold her space, and not let anyone take it from her, teach her she is strong, that her value and worth is unending. Teach her to cook, work on a car, spit and serve a cup of tea. Teach it all to her. Teach her gender doesn't limit you, that you can be the girliest of girls even when you're wearing a pair of sweats and sneakers. Teach her she is beautiful exactly how she is, teach her about healthy sex, choice and that no one should exert themselves over her simply because she was is a *girl*

Teach her that her body is beautiful, teach her to not bow down to sexism or any ism that lessens her value.

Listen to her woes, don't run away when she has a moment of tears, hold her and tell her it will be ok and she will get past it, wipe her tears.

Watch Twilight 590 times because it's spending time with her, let her get glitter on you because not one hug should ever be missed, give her a safe haven always and always tell her how awesome she is. Love her with everything even if she screams of both masculinity within her femininity, always remind her girls can do anything they want at any time.

Don't sit like the old guy at the girl beauty shop, sit in a chair but once in awhile pay her a compliment or smile at her because she will be looking to see if you are interested in her life.

Allow her to be her, even at her pinkest or her darkest of colors, be honest with her never shaming her, be her confidant and base of trust.

Good luck with your daughter.

[tuffboi29]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

This particular thread is emotional for me so please be patient, it's how we imprint our future women that I think will change the world.

My femme is gender, so with that said your daughter seems to walking towards the feminine *label*. With that said, she's a girl, who will grow up to be either queer, lesbian, straight, bisexual or genderqueer. She's going to have and has a herstory, teach it to her.

Teach her to hold her space, and not let anyone take it from her, teach her she is strong, that her value and worth is unending. Teach her to cook, work on a car, spit and serve a cup of tea. Teach it all to her. Teach her gender doesn't limit you, that you can be the girliest of girls even when you're wearing a pair of sweats and sneakers. Teach her she is beautiful exactly how she is, teach her about healthy sex, choice and that no one should exert themselves over her simply because she was is a *girl*

Teach her that her body is beautiful, teach her to not bow down to sexism or any ism that lessens her value.

Listen to her woes, don't run away when she has a moment of tears, hold her and tell her it will be ok and she will get past it, wipe her tears.

Watch Twilight 590 times because it's spending time with her, let her get glitter on you because not one hug should ever be missed, give her a safe haven always and always tell her how awesome she is. Love her with everything even if she screams of both masculinity within her femininity, always remind her girls can do anything they want at any time.

Don't sit like the old guy at the girl beauty shop, sit in a chair but once in awhile pay her a compliment or smile at her because she will be looking to see if you are interested in her life.

Allow her to be her, even at her pinkest or her darkest of colors, be honest with her never shaming her, be her confidant and base of trust.

Good luck with your daughter.

Wow Lady Snow. I don't think thank you covers it.

My daughter is my life and my world. I remember back to my childhood and all I can do is look at her and scream within myself that what I went through SHE NEVER WILL...not as long as I'm breathing.

When we talk I put myself down to her height and speak to her as an equal.
When she needs my attention I cut off everything to give it to her solely. I allow her to help with almost every household chore from cleaning to cooking because of the pride she gets from a job well done. When she makes a mistake as all human beings do there isn't punishment....there's "lets try this again, I know you can get it if you practice".
I have the utmost respect for her and even when I don't understand what she is trying to get across to me I will sit there until we get it sorted out. (her communicative abilities are behind due to a medical situation)

To cut this short, the reason I had the thought to post this is because of her and my desire to help her grow into the healthy happy who-ever she wishes to be. She seems to be headed down a very soft feminine path. I wish to help her along it by finding out as much as I can to help her along her journey.

And Lady Snow...

If you don't mind I would love to print what you've said and hang it on my fridge as inspiration. That was beautiful.

[tuffboi29]

Originally Posted by softness

thank you for starting this thread. I know you have to have others in the same position..if not know, later, who will look for a thread like this. I know when I was younger, I was petrified of the possibility of bearing a boy child. I knew I would be a natural at raising a girl child, even if she were to be a tom boy. I had no clue how to raise a boy. And I had no men around to help me with it.

One thing I would suggest is to get your hands on some teen magazines and read up on alot of the issues she is going to encounter. Read ahead of her age, so you can be prepared. They will also give you fashion, make up, etc.

oh wait..how little is little?

Thanks Softness!!
My wee lil one will be 8 on May 22.
I have a friend that I call my "mom away from mom" that does her best to keep me up to date on fashions. I even took a parenting class to help adjust my discipline tactics as she further develops twords her teens. The only thing they couldn't seem to offer was what kinds of issues she will run into and how I can help her deal with them.
MJ and I have a very close bond and our communication levels are absolutely awesome, so I have that covered. I encourage her and tell her she can accomplish anything she sets her heart on. I try to remind her everyday that even one good deed does the whole world good and that respect for everyone and everything are the most important things of all. And it really shows in her attitude and behaviors.

But to teach her how to be a womyn?

I wish to teach her to be a proud, independent, and respectable WOMYN.

I never understood how to be a womyn. I was never a "lady", although I attempt to teach her lady like qualities that I've observed from womyn (who happen to be femme).

I guess that would be my question. How would I accomplish that when I never truly understood it in the first place?

[Soft*Silver]

Tuffboi...dear dear tuffboi...everything you posted roared with everything she needs to grow up to be a fine womyn. She can read a magazine or attend pajama parties to learn what nail polish is in. YOU are giving her the magic to make her sparkle as a womyn. You didnt need us to tell you. You are already doing it. We grew up being told we needed prince charming to come by and wake us up with a kiss and give us his kingdom to give us magic. We needed to be told, instead, that the magic was always ours, was always within us, and we didnt need anyone to wake it up in us. Thats what you are doing for her. Honey...you ARE doing it right....

smiling....honey...oh boy are you a good parent...

[tuffboi29]

Originally Posted by softness

Tuffboi...dear dear tuffboi...everything you posted roared with everything she needs to grow up to be a fine womyn. She can read a magazine or attend pajama parties to learn what nail polish is in. YOU are giving her the magic to make her sparkle as a womyn. You didnt need us to tell you. You are already doing it. We grew up being told we needed prince charming to come by and wake us up with a kiss and give us his kingdom to give us magic. We needed to be told, instead, that the magic was always ours, was always within us, and we didnt need anyone to wake it up in us. Thats what you are doing for her. Honey...you ARE doing it right....

smiling....honey...oh boy are you a good parent...

You almost made me cry.
In my little part of the planet that I was raised in...well one just doesn't hear those kinds of things.
I think that may have something to do with this. I want to be everything to her that I never had...that I was denied experiencing.
Thank you so much.

[Arwen]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

But to teach her how to be a womyn?

I wish to teach her to be a proud, independent, and respectable WOMYN.

I never understood how to be a womyn. I was never a "lady", although I attempt to teach her lady like qualities that I've observed from womyn (who happen to be femme).

I guess that would be my question. How would I accomplish that when I never truly understood it in the first place?

Honey, first you have to ask yourself if you are trying to fit her into your concept of what a woman is or isn't.

I really admire you for thinking about this for your daughter. I would say teach her to be a good human being first.

What Snow said had chops. You know? Be there for MJ. Listen to her. Make her know that you will always listen.

Hang in there.

[tuffboi29]

Originally Posted by Arwen

Honey, first you have to ask yourself if you are trying to fit her into your concept of what a woman is or isn't.

I really admire you for thinking about this for your daughter. I would say teach her to be a good human being first.

What Snow said had chops. You know? Be there for MJ. Listen to her. Make her know that you will always listen.

Hang in there.

Thank you Arwen.

I am more looking to help her develop into the womyn *she* sees herself as. The one she wishes to be. Tempered, of course, with not only respect, but self respect and self love.

[Jesse]

tuffboi,

I had my three little nieces for three years, each with so very different personalities and needs. One was a real life little feminine princess, another had seemingly strong butch characteristics, and the third was still a baby.

I say honor who they show you they are at that time and be open to changing and growing with them as they discover who they will be. Give her room to be who she needs to be.

Listen to them, truly listen and when you do not understand ask question and listen some more.

Tell her the truth as is age appropriate of course. Just know, they know if you are not truthful to them.

Give her a strong foundation of self, so that no matter who or what she will always know who she is and that she does indeed matter.

Let her know always how proud you are of her and that you are there for her.

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

Thank you Arwen.

I am more looking to help her develop into the womyn *she* sees herself as. The one she wishes to be. Tempered, of course, with not only respect, but self respect and self love.

In raising my daughter I decided to give her a feminist upbringing. no pink toys. She got dolls and trucks. Building toys as well as baby buggies. I did not allow barbies.I thought they delivered the wrong message.
So what did my daughter want? Beg for? Cry for? Ask for at every gift buying occassion? I went to social anthropology professor and asked him what to do. (why him? Because he taught me that values are passed on thru the socialization process which occurs with unconcious integration of the culture's set of beliefs and values from birth to the day of death from everything they encounter through their senses, through their family of origin, their extended family, schools, churches, neighborhoods, peer groups, media, etc.) He explained I didnt need to exclude Barbie from her. I could give her Barbie, but i needed to explain that no woman has a waist that size nor has feet that stays like that, nor are women nippleless nor are men penis-less, and fashion doesnt make a woman, etc. I breathed a sigh of relief and soon my daughter had a barbie and within two years she had a pink room, and in five years she had 50 barbies. Did that make her a weak knot head? Hell no. She is a spit fire and could take on any chauvenist and has battled homophobia on playgrounds, transphobia in her classrooms as a student teacher and classism and racism in her first permanent kinderrgarten class. Barbie didnt do her in. She became her own woman by wanting what she wanted AND by me socializing her well. Its team work....

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

I am more looking to help her develop into the womyn *she* sees herself as. The one she wishes to be. Tempered, of course, with not only respect, but self respect and self love.

you don't have to know all things womon and femme, just keep supporting her and allow her to be who she is... just listen, she'll tell you!

it sounds like you're doing a great job helping her to be strong and confident.

[Kaison]

Originally Posted by tuffboi29

I am starting this thread for one reason...

I don't have a feminine bone in my body and I am raising a very femme little girl.


I find myself lost many times on many subjects. Such as hair..nails..clothes..and how to teach her about her femme self. For example.."shoes do not make the woman". I am at a total loss as to how to teach her to spread her wings and still maintain a respect level for herself in those regards.

So with this thread I am hoping to not only get some advice for myself but for other male identified members of The Planet who are facing the same issues as I.


Any advice, thoughts, hints, tips and ideas are welcome.




P.S.
TY Lady Snow

So much to do and be interested in it all isn't about gender. I have a daughter aged 8 and she has a huge variety of interests from science to gymnastics if you look hard enough you'll find something that you both really enjoy, leave the rest to her. She'll find her way. What matters is that she knows you love her and like spending time with her.

Good Luck
Kai

[OS Butch]

My little girl is now 21 and a princess, not because of anything I did, but because it who she has become.

When she was little, I too knew nothing of girlie things. I dressed her in overalls and t-shirts. As she grew, she decided she wanted more girlie stuff and I would follow her into the girls section and she picked out what she wanted to wear. Today she refers to herself as a Straight Femme.

I gave her the knowledge of honor, loyalty, integrity and respect. How to treat people and how she should be treated.

The smile in my heart grew the day she said she hopes to find a guy just like me.

OSB

[Quintease]

My mum's not gay, nor is she very girlie. She was far more comfortable in the garden than in a dress, so by the time I was in my mid-teens she started taking fashion cues from me!

Despite her lack of femininity and my abundance of brothers (I have many), I was wearing dresses from the time I could walk, makeup from 14, earrings from 15 and heels from 18.

Later in life my mother commented that had she known I was going to be so femme, she would have done more to encourage me. I wish she had as well. My parents didn't want to be seen encouraging me to learn about makeup or fashion as they didn't feel it was appropriate for young girls. In hindsight I think it would have made me more confident and responsible, and I may have even avoided some of the fashion disasters I went through in my teens