The Never-Ending Bathroom Debate

[Nat]

A good friend of mine, Blake, gave me permission to re-post his writing here. It's a familiar story within this community, and well-written/well-told. Bonus: When I asked for that permission, he not only agreed but he checked out the site and decided to join.

Anyway, here it is:

The Wrong Bathroom

On Tuesday afternoon, I carried a bladder full to capacity all the way across campus.
Every out of the way restroom door I might have breezed through in various buildings along the way seemed to be plagued with an interchangeable gaggle of young women– lingering, laughing together, blocking the way in their jeggings, oversized hoodies and Ugg boots. It didn’t matter because I had a purpose, one that led me seemingly on its own accord to a building where I knew I could work in silence for hours on end. And my head was full, its wheels turning in motion only to the massive assigned project at hand; the soundtrack of this was the aural confection of New Order; I felt so extraordinary, something had a hold of me; and this in combination seemed to outweigh my full, weighty bladder.

I often wait until it’s unbearable. Going to the bathroom is quite a chore.

I’d finally made it to the quiet building when it was a force I could no longer ignore. I did as I always do, looked at the floor and swiftly pushed through the door, continued to look at the floor, only at the floor, and found the nearest stall, earphones still pulsing loud with the full wonders of the synthesizer. To my great relief, it seemed I was all alone in the bathroom. I wouldn’t have to wait for some woman to take all the time in the world washing her hands and checking herself in the mirror to wash my own hands and get the hell out. I wouldn’t get the timing wrong and cause some poor girl to jump at the sight of me. No one came in the whole time. I almost felt comfortable. I washed my hands all alone in the vast bathroom with its long row of stalls. I even had time to check myself in the mirror and turned off my mp3 player because now that that great concern was over with, it was time to get to work on my project.

I pushed my way through the door and was met face to face with a maintenance man carrying a gigantic walkie-talkie. I stood arrested, not only because he was blocking my way, but because it was so unexpected. This gave him a few seconds to examine me, turn his head to the right, and shout to a woman across the great expanse of the building, “(Woman’s wholly unmemorable name), it’s not what you think!” as he stepped back and let me pass. “You can never be too sure!” shouted the woman in response. Neither one of them addressed me directly at all.

I was left to figure out what had just happened, which of course was realized immediately. And what’s funny is I didn’t have the shame to leave the building. I went specifically to that building to do my work because it was an ideal place to do so. And I wasn’t going to leave just because something embarrassing had just happened.

I couldn’t have sat in a more visible place either. I was right out in the open with my laptop open and books spread out all over the table. Right out in the open for the same maintenance man to walk by and smirk at several times during my lengthy stay and none of this caused me the slightest inkling of shame. I just thought it was funny.

I giggled to myself internally about it all afternoon. Especially that “it’s not what you think!” business. I know he meant that the circumstance was not what she thought. “It” was not why she ordered that he barricade the door with his leathery, broad-shouldered brawn. But it was, essentially, also the person. “It” was me; I was the circumstance; I am an “it”.

But also, the thought that a big man, by the looks of it the biggest at hand, would have to block the entrance, to protect women from a supposed rapist madman, this was all particularly funny. What did they think would happen? I could have laughed about it for days.

This wasn’t the first time a blockade has been set up on campus, an effort to protect women from entering a bathroom I’d walked into quickly devised. My first semester, I attempted to leave another similarly barren bathroom and realized with the swing of the door I’d pushed several large garbage cans out of my way. And then I saw the line of young women waiting to use the bathroom who were all laughing at me as I walked past the professor who without a doubt had instituted the whole charade. I looked down and continued to walk as she shouted helplessly, “Stop right there! I can see you! I know what you look like!” and the laughter grew louder. Unfortunately I was only traveling less than a hundred feet away to my next class and clearly entered that door, a door to an auditorium-style room, where more than 200 students attended. This was the same class that all of the women forced to wait in line would certainly also travel to after being permitted to simply use the bathroom.

I took my usual seat in the very back left corner and wondered if I was in trouble, if someone was going to come find me and drag me from the room. And I also imagined that professor hauling all of those garbage cans from various points in the hall in front of the door. What an endeavor. And so fast! And she must have told all of those waiting girls that there was a rapist madman inside and they had to wait. Why hadn’t I heard all of that commotion? All I wanted to do was pee.

I have been giving a lot of thought to errors in my thinking. Errors that seem so clear when they are discovered, but that have gone on for so long I no longer recognize them as dense gauze over my perception. My therapist has done wonders for hacking through it.

I mentioned to him that a woman I have collaborated with on several group projects said she’d tried to find me on Facebook. I dismissed her obvious angling coldly. “It’s under a weird name” I said quickly and then changed the subject. I know this hurt her a bit. Her whole mood became less friendly and I caused that. And my reason was because she would look through my photos, my weird posts, and it was all so uncomfortably transparent. I was not ready to share that with someone I barely knew, who I will have to continue to work with. “But…” my therapist stopped me, “She interacts with you daily. And I have news for you, Blake. You are not hiding anything. She knows who you are just by looking at you. And she accepts it. Wanting to extend her friendship to you in that way was a way of saying she accepts you and is curious to know more about you.”

Why should I have a full blown epiphany at a statement like that? It makes so much goddamned sense.

And the same phenomenon extends with public bathrooms. Obviously I cause problems in the women’s room. The reason I still use them is because of the small population of students and professors who know my given name and know I am female. If I used the men’s room and someone knew I was not technically male, then what would happen? And then I realize I have already seen close to the worst of what can happen, save physical violence Thank God, if you use the wrong bathroom.

[princessbelle]

I've sat and read some of the posts in here this morning. One thing keeps coming back to me as i read this and it is of my own emotion and that is anger.

I, like many here, been with a few trans/Ftm/butch guys/girls over the years when they were going to use the bathroom and when they clearly had held it so long their eyes were watering and i've also witnessed what they go through as many have. The looks, glares, the uncomfortable air that you could cut with a knife, the awkwardness of me needing to check it out first to see if anyone was in there before they entered, the walking out swiftly so that maybe they would not be noticed with their eyes to the floor.

I can't help but get protective and angry and more times than not say something like "mind your own buisness or "what are you staring at" ect. I think, for me, if they would just look away or ignor the situation i would be ok, but it's like they all want to be confrontational with "us/them".

Usually, who i'm with will just shhh'sh me and says "don't worry about it", "drop it". But, it is hard for me to see this happen and not open my mouth to stand up for "your" rights as a human being.

I was just curious.....from femmes and to the ones that it happens to, how do you get past the anger and wanting to rip out someone's hair when they give your friend or yourself a look of disgust, cause quite honestly, i gotta get a grip on it. It just makes me so mad i wanna scream and stand in front of "whoever" and shout "how dare you give anyone a look like that, you have no clue who he/she is".

Ya know?

[girl_dee]

@ Belle.... Yes I know!

[DomnNC]

Bathrooms, they can be a fun lil trip if you let them. I don't look down at the floor, I go in like I own the damn place (doesn't matter which one I choose to use and I always choose the one that I can pee at the quickest cuz when ya gotta go, ya gotta go). But if one stands there gawking I have a couple little sayings via my dearly departed as she would be quick to say it if I didn't get there first (even tho I don't identify this way, chuckles).

To the women:
Honey, I'm more fucking woman than you'll ever be and more man that you'll ever fucking have.

To the men:
Dude, I'm more fucking woman than you'll ever have and more man than you'll ever fucking be.

Then I or my wife would offer to take a pic with our cell phone and offer to email/snail mail it to them.

It generally shut them the hell up right quick and made them look elsewhere.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Snickles, here's how I deal with stares period.

"Mind your business!"

"STOP staring didn't your mom tell you it's rude"

"Yes, we're a biracial couple now EAT YOUR MEAL"

We don't walk around scared, we walk in like we own the joint.

PS

Loud questions deflect the attention back on them

[girl_dee]

I agree... I don't mind teaching the general public a thing when I can! I love walking in the washroom with my Butch!

[princessbelle]

I agree with you all. That is what i do too. I was asking am i over reacting? Taking it upon myself to be a princesswhitehorseinshiningarmour or am i making the situation worse, which has been said to me, when i do lash out. Was just wondering if maybe i take things too far because i always say something when i see it happen. Because i CANT seem to keep my anger intact.

I know everyone handles the situation like they think they should. I guess i'll just keep saying what i feel like. Apparently, i'm not alone.

lol.

[Jess]

Originally Posted by princessbelle

I've sat and read some of the posts in here this morning. One thing keeps coming back to me as i read this and it is of my own emotion and that is anger.

I, like many here, been with a few trans/Ftm/butch guys/girls over the years when they were going to use the bathroom and when they clearly had held it so long their eyes were watering and i've also witnessed what they go through as many have. The looks, glares, the uncomfortable air that you could cut with a knife, the awkwardness of me needing to check it out first to see if anyone was in there before they entered, the walking out swiftly so that maybe they would not be noticed with their eyes to the floor.

I can't help but get protective and angry and more times than not say something like "mind your own buisness or "what are you staring at" ect. I think, for me, if they would just look away or ignor the situation i would be ok, but it's like they all want to be confrontational with "us/them".

Usually, who i'm with will just shhh'sh me and says "don't worry about it", "drop it". But, it is hard for me to see this happen and not open my mouth to stand up for "your" rights as a human being.

I was just curious.....from femmes and to the ones that it happens to, how do you get past the anger and wanting to rip out someone's hair when they give your friend or yourself a look of disgust, cause quite honestly, i gotta get a grip on it. It just makes me so mad i wanna scream and stand in front of "whoever" and shout "how dare you give anyone a look like that, you have no clue who he/she is".

Ya know?

Christie manages to always overhear the remarks made about me regarding "what is that? is this the right restroom?" etc and if I am out of ear shot will give them a bit of "education" that only a proud 6 ft redhead southern femme lady can give. When I happen to catch something on the tune of "now, ya'll go fuck yer precious little bigot selves now ya hear" rolling of those sweet lips, I admit, it does make my heart get big.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Ah see Snickles Grant only uses the mens room, when he "he has to" I usually call him honey so they at least know we're queer. His safety factor plays into how I react. Virginia has been the worse experience in our travels. I use gay mens restrooms but only if I am known at the establishment. Now... If I'm hanging out with butch buddies and they use the correct restrooms then I'm ok with saying

"hey back off it's a woman no different than you"

I've found women to converse more than guys and will listen in restroom situations.

[Jess]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

Ah see Snickles Grant only uses the mens room, when he "he has to" I usually call him honey so they at least know we're queer. His safety factor plays into how I react. Virginia has been the worse experience in our travels. I use gay mens restrooms but only if I am known at the establishment. Now... If I'm hanging out with butch buddies and they use the correct restrooms then I'm ok with saying

"hey back off it's a woman no different than you"

I've found women to converse more than guys and will listen in restroom situations.

I agree, women will prolly converse more than men in a public restroom. Too many assumptions of "tea-room" if men do anything more than nod in passing. They don't make small talk in bathrooms. Maybe it's the innate insecurity in women that they need to talk rather than just go "take care of business".. Maybe it's that same insecurity that makes them question "ANY"one who just needs to relieve themselves.

I mean really.. it's not like a destination, afterall.. it's literally a Piss-stop.

I've used men's rooms/ womens rooms/ unisex and honestly I hate having to use any. I like to piss at home in my bathroom where it's clean. Do not expect much of an apology when I am not visiting.. I am simply dumping and movin on. It ain't like we gotta be friends. LOL

[betenoire]

innate insecurity?

I get that I'm being off-topic now, but I just can't not.

Please don't say that women are innately insecure. It makes me feel icky. We're not born insecure. In the event that a woman -is- insecure, it's socialised.

I mean, really. Which chromosome is insecurity attached to?

(Maybe men are insecure. Maybe the reason that they don't talk in bathrooms is because they're worried that people will think they're trying to pick up.)

Now, as for women being more likely to question who is around them in a bathroom situation...you gotta admit that the condition of the world around us necessitates us needing to be aware of our environments for the sake of our own safety. Again, that's not innate. That's a direct response to how fucking dangerous being a woman can sometimes be.

[Turtle]

Yeah, so I don't like to derail threads AND

"Maybe it's the innate insecurity in women that they need to talk rather than just go "take care of business".. Maybe it's that same insecurity that makes them question " is just too WTF?

And then it kills the thread/discussion because - believe it or not - there are lots of people out here who don't like to "have words." So,

************************************************** ************************************************** *********************************

Bathrooms - can be tricky and downright painful.

I've been in situations where transmen ID each other and one asks the other if there is a safer bathroom in the place and I'm told that most of the bathrooms in Alaska are "family" bathrooms.

Locker rooms in a club are a bigger problem. Maybe the "family" bathroom, with a changing table and specifically, more space would due for a private changing room, if there is an issue.

[Admin]

Originally Posted by Jess

I agree, women will prolly converse more than men in a public restroom. Too many assumptions of "tea-room" if men do anything more than nod in passing. They don't make small talk in bathrooms. Maybe it's the innate insecurity in women that they need to talk rather than just go "take care of business".. Maybe it's that same insecurity that makes them question "ANY"one who just needs to relieve themselves.

I mean really.. it's not like a destination, afterall.. it's literally a Piss-stop.

I've used men's rooms/ womens rooms/ unisex and honestly I hate having to use any. I like to piss at home in my bathroom where it's clean. Do not expect much of an apology when I am not visiting.. I am simply dumping and movin on. It ain't like we gotta be friends. LOL

Jess,

This post was reported for sexist statements and is highly problematic on a site that is woman-positive. Sexist statements are against the TOS because we are trying to promote a positive environment for women, female-people, and allies.

Women are no more "innately" insecure than men, and statements like the above only serve to support gross and false stereotypes against women.


Thanks,
Admin

[BullDog]

I just finished re-reading the first few pages of this thread. Many of the incidents do appear to be more about mocking the person rather than genuine fear. However the genuine fear still exists and the threat of violence for women at the hands of men is very real.

This is a perfect example where women, butches (women/female, male) and trans women and men are all being subjected to sexism- sometimes reinforcing it, sometimes being made unwelcome or the victim or it, sometimes maybe both at the same time. Men may also go into protective mode to enforce it- there may be instances when it is a good thing for men to step up and others where it is not.

Women upholding the binary are not really doing themselves any favors- it just reinforces sexism for all of us and doesn't give women any more freedoms or higher status in a sexist world. I maintain that heterosexual women would experience more freedom if butch women were recognized as legitimate women, and that I would experience more freedom to be who I am if heterosexual women were not put into little boxes. Obviously there has been some progress here. It expands the possibilities for everyone. The same is true for other genders. It expands the possibilities of who someone can be and how they can express themselves and would take a lot of the burden away from having to reinforce gender in such confined and constrained ways. However when it comes to the bathroom issue this would also need to address violence against women as well as gender stereotypes.

The root of misogyny, homophobia and transphobia is sexism. The anxiety and uneasiness about those who don't fit neatly into the man/woman boxes can manifest itself in many ways. Some will be subjected to more unfair treatment depending on the situation, but there really are no "winners" here. That's why I say transphobia and homophobia will never be wiped out with sexism and misogyny still in place and women being second class citizens all over the world.

I still maintain masculine looking people do need to tread gently and smile when at all possible, but we certainly have the right to pee and be safe as well. I think holding your head high is also a good thing if it is safe to do so.

[dreadgeek]

In a couple of months, my company is moving down the street. Right now, we are the only people in the building and everyone knows me. There are two women's rooms on the first floor---one large and one small. If at all possible, I'll use the small one. When we move, we'll be in a building with another company, around people I don't know. Chances are we won't have our own bathroom and so it will be starting from square one.

All of the other women in the office know me and so they don't give me any grief, but now there will likely be another group of women that I don't work with and it'll start all over again. Needless to say, my enthusiasm for that circumstance is nonexistent.

Cheers
Aj

[SelfMadeMan]

I used the men's room for two years or so, prior to transitioning just because I *wanted* to. I walked in with my head held high even though I didn't pass 100%. When a men's restroom was unavailable/occupied I went into the women's room, head held high and stared back at anyone who stared at me. I used whichever room *I* chose, regardless of what anyone else thought... just my .02. I'm not suggesting others are wrong for not handling it this way, and I know for some, it isn't so easy... so please don't think I'm passing any judgements :-)

[BullDog]

Sometimes it is people being rude and sometimes there can be genuine fear or uneasiness if a woman sees someone they read as male being in a place they are not expecting. So I think you have to keep both things in mind. I am usually not bothered, but if someone looks unsure I just try to smile and put them at ease.

[AtLast]

Confession-

I really like going into a woman's restroom with a femme.