7 Rules for Building Safer/Saner Online Communities

scootebaby · 04-18-2011, 10:01 PM

i can honestly say i have never sent money to anyone,BUT i have been suckered into stories...enough times that now i question almost everything and everybody...and of course i try to warn Jo about things...altho she did get fooled(guess i did as well since i was like "that is sad,and it would be very nice of you"

i have learned however if you wait long enough and pay attention ppl will always forget the lies they tell!....as NYC said if you have the slightest inkling sometihng is not quite right,dont ignore it!

Gemme · 04-18-2011, 10:17 PM

Jennifer and Dapper....a bit of a derail here, but....I borrowed money from a member on another site once and THEY disappeared before I could finish paying them back.

Okay, so I knew where they were going (a different continent), but they never sent me their new address to continue the payments.

Carry on......

MysticOceansFL · 04-18-2011, 10:18 PM

I Totally agree and I was almost con'd by a con artist from online <<<<< But I contacted the Sherriff Dept in my town and they delt with the two people!!! I was lucky.

Gayla · 04-18-2011, 10:56 PM

I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy.

I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met.

Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

BullDog · 04-18-2011, 11:12 PM

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

Daywalker · 04-18-2011, 11:27 PM

I used to watch an Ex of mine lie to folks online a lot.

Wasn't until after we split that I told her all that I knew.

A few years later, and I discovered she hadn't changed a bit.

Folks like that run their game too long, and have to move on to other
Communities. I feel safer in knowing many of you have a true heart of Gold.

Martina · 04-19-2011, 12:26 AM

i also trusted someone who i met online and eventually in person to be what she presented herself as. It was a huge mistake. It was not romantic, but it became potentially dangerous for me. She is unstable. i honestly feel that i am dealing with some PTSD as a result of that connection. It was harrowing.

On the other hand, i met one of my best friends on the other site. She is a light in my life. i would trade all of the bad stuff for her any day. She and i chatted a little in threads and then met at a butch-femme gathering in Detroit and took the friendship into real time from there. i can't tell you the difference that that friendship has made to me. She's the best.

AtLast · 04-19-2011, 03:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BullDog

I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days.

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

1PlayfulFemme · 04-19-2011, 04:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

I have met some great people as well. Unfortunately, others are quite unstable and lack boundaries. Yes, lies of omission are staggering! But, I certainly don't see this as specific to B-F sites. Although, I am much more guarded now with befriending people from the site after suffering a couple of traumatic events.

I applaud the admin for drawing attention to safety factors that we all need to pay attention to when relating via the net. Sad, but true.

I agree completly that it's not just BF sites! There are nutsy people everywhere you look in life, so why not online too? If anything, I think it's easier for them to be convincing online as they have this wonderful screen to hide behind.

I've been fooled. And, I've learned! I've sent money, and I've opened up my home to people who were "about to be kicked out"...who were still here two years later. I blame them and I blame myself. (And we took the "Home for Wayward Lesbians" sign down..that seemed to help!)

I second the voices that say to look into someone before doing anything like sending money/going to see them. Years ago in my most favorite chatroom, we had a bio male who for YEARS convinced us all he was a bio-lesbian-female. It was an LGBT room. There were men galore..but he was straight..and pitiful. The explosions when someone finally decided it was hooky that he was never available to meet up when someone was in his neck of the woods...whew! And it left quite the impression on me...I learned how easy it is for someone to pretend to be something they are not!

I'm thankful that not all the lessons I've learned about people have come at my own expense, and grateful that I tend to be a fast learner!!

Thanks for the thread..and the reminders!!

Lis <~~~~Who can provide BFP references

*G*

Chancie · 04-19-2011, 05:30 AM

I've had creepy experiences with three people who were well known in the online bee eff community.

In one instance, there was a butch who got rough with me on a date, and I did mention what happened whenever another femme seemed to be getting to know her. There were times when it was challenging to PM someone I didn't really 'know'. There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity.

In another instance, I mentioned to another femme that there was a butch I was talking to who I thought I might meet up with, and she didn't tell me that she was also talking to the same butch, and that she had asked the butch for money for some bill.

In the third story, there was a femme who was very jealous of me, not that I was ever lovers with her butch, or even interested in her butch, after the initial, Oh, hubba, she's handsome. This femme was physically aggressive with me in public, more than once. No, I am not kidding.

04-18-2011, 10:17 PM	#2
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,971 Times in 25,664 Posts Rep Power: 21474888	Jennifer and Dapper....a bit of a derail here, but....I borrowed money from a member on another site once and THEY disappeared before I could finish paying them back. Okay, so I knew where they were going (a different continent), but they never sent me their new address to continue the payments. Carry on...... __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

04-18-2011, 10:18 PM	#3
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I Totally agree and I was almost con'd by a con artist from online <<<<< But I contacted the Sherriff Dept in my town and they delt with the two people!!! I was lucky. __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

04-18-2011, 11:12 PM	#5
BullDog Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Dominant Stone Butch Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: In A Healing Place Posts: 5,371 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 18,160 Thanked 22,665 Times in 4,464 Posts Rep Power: 21474856	I am someone who wants to see the good in people. I don't want to be guarded and suspicious. I've met some great people from online, but all the lies and lies of omission are quite staggering. I trust very few people these days. __________________ Love consists in this, that two solitudes protect and touch and greet each other. - Rainer Maria Rilke

04-18-2011, 11:27 PM	#6
Daywalker Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Hippy Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: * Posts: 3,750 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,499 Thanked 11,916 Times in 2,700 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I used to watch an Ex of mine lie to folks online a lot. Wasn't until after we split that I told her all that I knew. A few years later, and I discovered she hadn't changed a bit. Folks like that run their game too long, and have to move on to other Communities. I feel safer in knowing many of you have a true heart of Gold. __________________ www.SirDaywalker.com

04-18-2011, 10:01 PM	#1
scootebaby Timed Out How Do You Identify?: yes dear Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: south florida Posts: 2,494 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,264 Thanked 6,737 Times in 1,777 Posts Rep Power: 0	i can honestly say i have never sent money to anyone,BUT i have been suckered into stories...enough times that now i question almost everything and everybody...and of course i try to warn Jo about things...altho she did get fooled(guess i did as well since i was like "that is sad,and it would be very nice of you" i have learned however if you wait long enough and pay attention ppl will always forget the lies they tell!....as NYC said if you have the slightest inkling sometihng is not quite right,dont ignore it!

04-18-2011, 10:56 PM	#4
Gayla Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Kinky Butch Top Preferred Pronoun?: I'm not picky Relationship Status: She makes me dance like a fool and forget how to breathe. Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: SF CA Posts: 3,229 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 877 Thanked 7,077 Times in 1,966 Posts Rep Power: 0	I have never sent money to anyone that I knew only online although I have come very, very, very close several times. I have also invested huge amounts of time and energy into relationships (of the friendship kind) with people who have turned out to be less than truthful. Oh, and I've fallen madly in love with two people who turned out to be completely batshit crazy. I've been online for a really long time, since the days of local BB's and Usenet, and I can't count the number of really amazing people that I've met along the way. I also can't count the number of not so great people that I've met. Probably the most important thing that I've learned through the years is to do as much as you can to verify that the person you are about to send money to, fly across the country to meet for the first time, give your home phone number or address or place of employment, etc. is who they say they are before you do any of those things. Yes, it can be uncomfortable to talk about. Yes, it can appear as "untrusting". Yes, it can be a mood killer. But the only time I've ever had someone balk was when they had something to hide.

04-19-2011, 12:26 AM	#7
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,286 Times in 4,167 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	i also trusted someone who i met online and eventually in person to be what she presented herself as. It was a huge mistake. It was not romantic, but it became potentially dangerous for me. She is unstable. i honestly feel that i am dealing with some PTSD as a result of that connection. It was harrowing. On the other hand, i met one of my best friends on the other site. She is a light in my life. i would trade all of the bad stuff for her any day. She and i chatted a little in threads and then met at a butch-femme gathering in Detroit and took the friendship into real time from there. i can't tell you the difference that that friendship has made to me. She's the best.

04-19-2011, 05:30 AM	#10
Chancie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme-inist Relationship Status: I'm lucky. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Western Mass Posts: 3,774 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,518 Thanked 14,540 Times in 2,744 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I've had creepy experiences with three people who were well known in the online bee eff community. In one instance, there was a butch who got rough with me on a date, and I did mention what happened whenever another femme seemed to be getting to know her. There were times when it was challenging to PM someone I didn't really 'know'. There was a time or two when the femme was sort of pissed off with me, and I decided it was more important to share what I knew than to worry about my dignity. In another instance, I mentioned to another femme that there was a butch I was talking to who I thought I might meet up with, and she didn't tell me that she was also talking to the same butch, and that she had asked the butch for money for some bill. In the third story, there was a femme who was very jealous of me, not that I was ever lovers with her butch, or even interested in her butch, after the initial, Oh, hubba, she's handsome. This femme was physically aggressive with me in public, more than once. No, I am not kidding.