Under 30 - Coming Up and Coming Out

[Captain Franki]

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

[AtLast]

Just want to say I am so glad that all of the under 30 folks are here on the Planet. I learn quite a bit from younger generations within queerdom. My life was just different because of my age, but I sure remember a lot of inner confusion. I so hope that some of the paths are easier for our youth. I also know you all will make your unique marks.

And you rawk!!!

[wolfbittenpoet]

I'm 24. It's taken me years not of accepting that I like girls but that I am trans. I was 19 when I finally accepted it. Now I am getting to the point that I am accepting that it is femininity that I like on any sex. I am still often confused and lost but I am willing to ask directions or at least invest in compasses now. I was recently told that my parents thought I was trans as early as age 3 or 4 something to do about crying for days until they bought me a football uniform because I hated the cheerleader one my grandmother had bought. I guess I was just scared to be thought of as even more different.

[Goo]

I'm 27, but I've known I liked women since I was a kid, didn't come out til I was 16, and that wasn't by choice. But now looking back on it, I'm so glad that my good friend outted me.

It's hard sometimes being young and finding your identity in the community at large, because sometimes you're still finding yourself, like I am.

Love this thread by the way

[AlphaDrug]

The younger crowd here isn't very large or active I take it... I'm 22, and I'm afraid I'm one of the babies here... I didn't even know I COULD like girls till I was a freshman in highschool, 8 years ago, I was blessed with the best group of friends a girl could ask for, the indi/goth outsider kids who were accepting of everything. I did the whole straight to bisexual to gay thing.

I'd met my first and only boyfriend the summer before high school, dated him for two years, the entire time I had a crush on my best friend Crystal, shes the one who gets the gold toaster, I learned from her that it was okay to like girls and normal, so 2 years down the road I wasn't happy with my boyfriend, I went to prom with Crys and told him that there was a chance I might experiment with her that night, he jokingly just said to take video... I laugh at that now but originally it pissed me off.

I slept with my best friend that night and was smitten, it was insane and everything I'd been looking for. From there I declared I was bisexual... never dated a guy again so it evolved into comfortably telling people I was gay.

My coming out story to my parents is... interesting... and not how I'd planned it. Haha! If you want to hear that one just ask. XD I don't have much time and have to leave for work soon.

My favorite campaign that happened recently was the IT GETS BETTER thing that all the celebrities did, still thinking about it makes me tear up, because if I hadn't had the support of my friends in high school I'd have had a much harder time coming out. Luckily for me as well live really close to DC, so everything is pretty diverse and accepting to begin with, not a small town kind of girl.

[wolfbittenpoet]

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

[AlphaDrug]

Originally Posted by wolfbittenpoet

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

Aww awesome. I love cats. Hahaha. ^_^

...and where'd you get the cookies? o.o

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by wolfbittenpoet

Heya Alpha. There's a growing youth pop around here we just are stealthy. Like cats...
erm not housecats.

...yes, we're more like alley cats. Leaping stealthily through the darkness, from roof top to roof top.



Anyways, yeah...cool to see other under 30 people around these parts. But now you just have to fucking stick around! I swear other than like 3 or 4 of us, every under 30 person who comes here leaves after a day or two.

[untangle]

Hey everyone, first post here! It’s going to be a long one too!

From the time that I was 8 years old I knew I was different. I got my first crush on a teacher of mine and didn’t really understand it at all. I didn’t know what liking your female teacher meant, it just WAS.

As the years progressed and I got a crush on my best friend and went through my junior high years, I wanted to explore. Being the big dork that I am, I got really into computers/browsing and started reading about GLBT people. I remember it being such a huge deal for Ellen Degeneres to come out and I always looked at my family for their opinions when a gay character/person would show themselves in the media. I wanted to get an understanding of what I had coming.

I started chatting sporadically in places like Gay.com/AOL because I knew no other GLBT people, or none that were out.

The first couple of years of high school were pretty lonely and the girl crushes kept on despite trying to fight the fact that I was gay. I didn’t want to feel so alone and different. I remember reading about a Coming Out stories book online and had to get it somehow. I ended up throwing the book away after I was finished reading because I didn’t want my parents to catch it in my room someday. Every once in a while, my own mother would ask me if I liked boys and of course I would never give her a straight answer. Thankfully the last couple of years of high school I met some friends that ended up coming out to me, I to them.

At 25 years old, I decided I would come out to my closest sibling. I ended up getting very emotional because up until then, I was only out to friends or co-workers. Family was a whole different experience. Through the years my Catholic family has said awful, derogatory things towards gay people. Another sibling of mine even mentioned that she would not allow a gay person around her kids. That was devastating to hear.
When we have get-togethers and the topic comes up, my close sister and I will argue until we’re blue in the face to try and get a positive response from them. It never happens. We don’t typically discuss our love lives, it’s almost like a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy throughout the family.

Now at 26, coming out entirely seems a little more possible everyday and I will continue to take baby steps. In the back of my mind, I believe my family is in some major denial and could possibly accept me. Then there’s that speck of doubt that scares me that I could lose them forever.

Without the great friends, Internet, or books I’m not sure what sort of direction my life would have gone. The resources we have readily available to us through the web are amazing and I too especially love the It Gets Better project!

[ruby_woo]

I thought I'd come by and say hi as an under-30 femme. Ok, I'll be 30 in July, but still...

I've known I was queer since I was about 14-15, when I met my first boyish-girl in high school. Before that, I did have occasional crushes on guys, but didn't date much.

I had my first girlfriend when I was 16 (thanks AOL chat!), have been out since I was 17, and have ID as femme since I was 19. I was lucky because despite growing up in a Christian household in the Midwest, I had a supportive family, and a close family friend of ours came out as gay in mid 90's, so I thank him for breaking that ice for me.

I remember being 19 and coming out as femme, and basically feeling like a giant dork because it seemed like everyone had their business figured out already, and I was like "...help?" I would get crushes on butches who were 3 times my age and viewed me as a little sister, lol. The best thing I did was make friends with the older femmes who could help me along my journey. Having your girls is so important.

And much love for It Gets Better! <3

[Red-Dragon]

i've been reading forums and this one looks interesting and i dont reply to alot cause i dont know how havent been on one of these been refered to by my bud she told me about this site. so this is how i came out...

I'm 21 and i've been out since i was 12 well only been out to my dad. i've had a feeling i knew since i was young i liked girls mainly cause i have 5 brothers so i've been raised by them been did everything boys would do pick on girls roll down hills in garbage cans race bikes fist fight with each other wrestle camp fish etc and even taught how to treat women etc even dressed as a boy. (even though it ticked off my mom). I didnt understand it at first so i looked into it and figured it out pretty quick. i remember having a major crush on my best friend growing up when my dad died my mom went bonkers after he told her i was lesbian.
I was told it was a sin etc but it just went in one ear out the other cause my dad and my brothers told me to follow my heart and its lead me to liking girls. i had my first girlfriend in 8th grade but she wasnt out and her parents didnt like me cause they caught me kissing her -.- wasnt a fun day. i moved to the states and had girlfriends but i figured out that my mum didnt like it so once i turned 18 i moved back to canada and there isnt much of a population that i can see here where i live. its mainly cause i'm quiet and keep to myself so thats probably why i dont see much but i do know there are gay bars and everything.
My guy friends say i'm the best brother they could have cause i give them advice game etc till this day my mom still hates it that i'm lesbian and she keeps pushing guys on me half a country away. Even though i've have been in many fights with a few family members on them not wanting me around cause i'm lesbian i dont care cause i like girls and nothing can change that.
well i hope i got it right on posting on a forum lol but thats my story.

[Princess]

I wanna give this thread a little bump because I think it's important for those of us under 30 to share our stories and learning experiences. Ya never know who is reading these, and how much it will help them! With that said...

I am 28 years old and I came out when I was 14. It was a huge accident to be honest with you. I mean, I had known for a long while that I was not interested in boys. I didn't quite put 2 and 2 together until the summer before I turned 14.

My best friend went away to Oregon for the summer, and when she got back I of course went to her house for a sleepover. She came out to me that night, and told me that she had met a girl in Oregon and she was dating her. I will tell you that my reaction was sort of...odd. I felt uncomfortable with her, and actually faked sick to go home! When I got home all I could think about was if that was me...Erika and I talked about it later on that week and I came to the conclusion that I was indeed a "lesbian" That conversation took place just to the left of our favorite baseball field, under this big ol tree and she ended up being my very FIRST girlfriend.

Fast forward to how I was outed though...I guess Erika and I hadnt been so quiet, or so subtle about our relationship because people at school were talking. We were the only two gays in the whole school so of course it was a big deal.

Somehow, my mother found out through the grapevine. We were watching t.v. King of the Hill actually, and I don't know why I remember that, maybe because it was an important moment. Anyway, she looked at me and said:

"Ang are you bisexual?"

I thought about that very carefully for a moment and I said:

"No mom, i'm gay and Erika is my girlfriend."

That was pretty much it! She was supportive of me instantly and then it seemed to spread like wildfire. Soon enough my whole family and seemingly the whole town knew. I haven't ever looked back. I can say, I am really glad that Erika had that summer away, because it forced me to think about things. Otherwise, it would have been a long struggle trying to come to those terms.

Also note, I am leaving out a whole lot of in between negativity things that I encountered on my journey, but when I am feeling up to it I will share that too.

[LexiLove]

This is a realllllly old thread but I wanted to share my story.

Just to be completely honest, I am teetering on 30. I will be 30 in December.

I knew I was ferociously attracted to girls at a very young age. I remember making my barbies kiss when I was 5 or so years old. I was definitely into masculine people though which was very confusing. I crushed on boys in middle/high school but knew something was wrong the first time I had sex with a boy. Actually, I lost my virginity to my best friend. She and I were inseparable and even though she was VERY feminine, I was very tomboyish at the time.

My father was a very homophobic guy (to be honest he still kind of is) and I am a through and through daddy's girl. He told me very early in life that as long as I was "not a rapist, murderer, pedophile, or gay that he would love me." I was completely crushed and spent many years hiding behind boyfriends and trying to change my father's mind. I finally ended up getting married to a man and having two children. We loved one another but I felt more like he was my friend. My now ex husband knew that I loved women and allowed me to "be" with women from time to time. He joined the Army and while away allowed me to have women in my life. They were my "friends" in front of my children, other family, or strangers, but once alone they were my lovers.

I remember the first time I saw a "butch" on tv. I am not sure how she identifies but she is very masculine looking. It was an episode of Millionaire matchmaker and her name is Tyler. I almost fell over. She was so sexy and exactly what I wanted in my life. I had reached a point where I couldn't hide anymore. I was depressed, scared, and really wanted to leave my married life with my husband. My husband left for Afghanistan and while gone, I met my butch. I fell HARD. Sadly, I broke my husband's heart. I still feel guilty for that but I had to leave. I wanted her more than anything else in my life. I divorced him, got custody of my children, she and I raise my babies as our own and life is good. My ex realized too that he is happier without me. It took a long time for him to get over me but he tells me that it is nice to be with a women who responds to him, uhm, sexually.

Anyway, all of this happened over the last few years. It has been a long process but I couldn't stay in the closet a minute longer after meeting her. Also, my dad came around and now loves both of us.

Life is good.

[Stud_puppy1991]

I'm 23 now, but I had known I was different since I was around 4 or 5, got my first girl crush when I was 12, but I had thought about girls a bit before then. I identified as bi for a short while, as i wasn't sure yet if I was bi or completely gay. Then, at 13, I had my first relationship with a girl and this was also my first sexual encounter with one. And I was in love with this girl, hardcore, yet, I still wasn't at full terms with being gay just yet. I went back to dating guys, only to realize that it did nothing for me but make me empty and numb. Whenever they kissed me or we made love, I couldn't stop thinking about my first time with my ex, her and I. And I couldn't stop thinking of women in general. So then, years later, when i was 18, I came out, this time as a lesbian. It wasn't easy, as my family life fell apart and bigotry filled my life, but I made it. And, I couldn't be prouder.

[VanyllaVenom]

I wasn't sure where to post, but I'll try here. Sorry for length

I'm almost 31, and recently am coming out for the second time. I was brought up Catholic, very traditional white upper class. I didn't even know what gay was until middle school. Of course everything I had was fru fru and pink, barbies, make-up, dress-up, etc. When I was 7, me and a girl from school played "doctor" naked, and then I started to really get confused.

Fast forward to 7th grade (worst time of my life), my best friend who was the opposite of me - extroverted, popular, etc.... told everyone I was gay. Not sure why but I guess that's life. I was crushed because I knew this was not "acceptable", being young and from a small town, so I rarely attended school from then on.

I met my next group of friends in 8th grade. One of my best friends wasn't feminine at all, and I had her sleep over once, and I just couldn't help myself and attacked her lol. I never talked to her again, I was afraid to. I thought she would tell everyone that I really WAS gay.

I moved away, and for years just labeled myself as bisexual. I came out as gay when I was 23, had a few relationships and after reading a lot of things on the internet, realized what might have happened in my last relationship and that it wasn't my fault, which helps a lot.

I'm only out to my mom, and I think my brother knows but he would support me. It's hard looking like a feminine female and meeting people I like around me.

Thanks for having this thread!

[clodie]

I realised I like girls when I was 13-14 and as shallow as it might seem... I was actually pretty excited about this discovery. Although I always preferred girls, I didn't technically dislike boys. Sure if there was a boy and a girl I'd go for the girl... but with no other choice, a guy was almost as good, for a while anyway. I thought I'd rather be a lesbian, I saw straight and gay people as two distinctive groups with nothing in between - and it made me feel like I didn't belong to any of them.

Due to my circumstances I was very isolated as a teenager. I changed school, made two friends and pretty much ignored everyone else. When I first mentioned an upcoming gay parade, I found that one of them wasn't accepting and so I changed the topic. It was a bit shocking, being hated for simply being who I am by a person I considered a friend. I never told her about it and instead I grew closer with the other friend with whom I eventually shared the secret. She was accepting and didn't seem surprised by it.

Unfortunately it didn't end well... she was fine with me liking girls, but turned out to be a bitch. Despite being my friend for many years, after we had a fight, she outed me to strangers (who didn't care, but that's beyond the point) and then she threatened to tell my parents. I'm not close with them, but I know them well enough to know it wouldn't be accepted. I really feared being kicked out of the house and at that time I didn't have any other friends who could help me... I literary wouldn't know what to do and the fear was real. Because I felt she could do it (she was crazy) I was forced to come out to my dad who I knew was a bit more accepting (my mum literary wishes death to people like me). I told him about it so that he wouldn't let her meet my mum... I came out as bi which I think made things a bit easier. When it was all over and my dad told me not to tell my mum and that I won't be kicked out I just cried in my room for a long time because of the stress I went through with the risk of being homeless. He also told me not to share it with people, as if what happened was my fault.

I'm in college now and open about it... but I recently found out that no one outside of my group actually knows because apparently I don't look gay. So even when I mention something or someone hears something else they just dismiss it and forget. My mum still doesn't know and my dad pretends it went away because we never brought it up again.

[DomnNC]

Originally Posted by Captain Franki

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

Stop putting added pressure on yourself, chuckles. You'll have a little laugh over this perhaps and will see that WE all are always learning each and every day. I'm 53, I'm trans, I've known since I was 5 that I was a boy, I've also always knew from that point that I liked girls, but points to age, that was wayyyyy back many moons ago. I lived in a rural setting, at the time there was no internet, our little town newspaper was 2 pages on a good day, lol. So I was just me, always on the inside I was who I was. Back then going to school, physical females had to wear dresses/skirts to school, oh the many fights my mother and I had over getting dressed in the mornings. Once I got home off those girl clothes came and into my boy clothes, I hated it with a passion. I hated being treated like a girl because I simply was/am not one (not that there's anything wrong with girls/women at all, I happen to love women). It wasn't til 7th grade that girls could wear pants so every other day (compromise with my mama so she thought) I snuck out jeans and a t-shirt to change, on those days, til she finally gave up in the 8th grade. So where I lived out in the boonies I thought I was the only person like me (as far as trans I think there was perhaps one boy in school that was). I had my first real girlfriend in the 7th grade and then a few in high school. My mother caught me kissing my girlfriend when I was 18 and heading into the Army in 2 weeks, lol, so I didn't have to deal with the looks or questions that long. That doesn't mean they don't know about me because they do/did from that point on. I couldn't have asked for more supportive parents who taught me the real meaning of unconditional love. So I kinda learned things, many different things (so I thought) as the years went on.
Now admittedly I never socialized that much within the gay community because I wasn't accepted there, then I got married and we didn't do the bar scene or big group functions because we were both career people and simply didn't have the time. Free time was spent with our circle of friends and family.
Fastforward, most know my wife of 17 years was also my friend of 27 years. She passed away Nov 27th, 2007. So after a few years I finally was directed to this website by a friend Sept 2010.
I promise I'm getting to the point, ya just needed a lil background. The point is this when I joined this site it was somewhat of a culture shock to me, lol, I've never seen so many dang labels, abbreviations, single letters grouped together that apparently meant something to everyone else but me!
So I've kinda muddled along, looked things up, if I couldn't find what it meant I'd ask someone, lol. So I'm kinda like in the position you feel you are in now as I'm learning a whole new culture as well and I'm 53! So don't get disheartened, don't be afraid to ask about things, the only stupid question as they say are the unasked ones. You'll be learning all your life so don't put so much pressure on yourself. Just be who you are at the moment, we're all allowed to change and grow. To stop doing so would mean life would be stagnant and boring. Enjoy the lessons, take from them what you may and apply to your own life or disgard it. There's no template, we all walk our own paths. Good luck and have fun with life because you never know when it will end.

[Soon]

The New York Times embarked on the project “Coming Out” as an effort to better understand this generation’s realities and expectations, and to give teenagers their own voice in the conversation.

The Times spoke with or e-mailed nearly 100 gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender teenagers from all of parts of the country — from rural areas to urban centers, from supportive environments to hostile ones. The newspaper contacted them through various advocacy groups, as well as through social networking sites like YouTube, Twitter and Facebook.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/23/us/23out.html

[silkepus]

Originally Posted by Captain Franki

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

This is exactley how I feel at the moment, all of it.

Everyone seem to have been out since they where teens and even dated then. I have just turned 24 and I only recently was able to call myself a lesbian and not feel like the whole world was going to collapse if I did.

I have no idea what Im doing either. I have been with men before, and it was so easy I hardly had to do anything I dont even know where to meet gay women. How does that even work?

[odd_boi_out]

I started identifying as a lesbian when I was 14. I knew I was "different" way before then, but didn't have the words to articulate how I was feeling. I attributed my lack of interest in boys to the fact that I had a twin brother - boys were not "mysterious" to me in the same way they were to my friends. In middle school I started thinking of myself as asexual. I didn't know at the time that was an actual identity term people used for themselves, but I did know the word from biology class (asexual reproduction), and figured that since I wasn't interested in boys, I must not be a sexual person at all. I assumed that all girls felt the way I did about other girls. Being gay was not even a possibility that entered my head.

Summer before high school started, I went to Girl Scout camp and listened to a lot of music by the Indigo Girls. I got home from camp, horribly campsick, and went out to the record store to find an Indigo Girls CD to remind me of camp. Their CDs often included a list of organizations they supported, and I started searching online for those organizations; one thing led to the next and I found myself stumbling into queer community online and realizing there were other people like me.

Simultaneously, I started high school and developed an enormous crush on a girl who sang with me in choir. I hated myself for it and wished it would go away. It took me a year of agony and denial to finally admit to myself that this wasn't a phase, that I actually was gay. And due to the conservative and religious environment I grew up and went to school in, I didn't start coming out to anyone until I was 17.

Around that time, though, I also started to question my gender identity. I didn't have the words for what it meant to be transgender until I was almost 18, but had long felt extreme discomfort with my body and could never really picture myself growing up to be a woman. I came out as trans at 19, yet struggled with that for a while, because I never fully identified as male, either. Now at almost 25 I happily inhabit a rather uncomfortable but familiar space between butch lesbian and FTM.