Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

Martina · 05-01-2011, 09:15 PM

People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are.

But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that. i was talking about this this weekend with my Ma'am. i said something about a reason why i chose Her. She laughed and said that She crooked Her little finger and i came running, which is about right.

i was totally NOT planning a D/s relationship again for a LONG time. i remember thinking ungratefully at the time, "The universe is working WAY too hard to make me happy."

i don't know. i find that if one isn't fairly compatable, it won't work anyway. So why waste five years of your life figuring it out. There are wonderful compatable people out there for all of us. They key is being as open to the possibility as you can be or at least to take notice of the possibilities that come your way. i think there are many opportunities to be happy. It's just hard sometimes to choose happiness.

Silverseastar · 05-01-2011, 09:41 PM

I don't make lists but I DO set intentions. Before I met Red Menace, on a forum I'm a part of, I had ironically stated what I wanted my relationship to feel like.

Stating intentions that are open ended is a healthy thing I think- I want fun, adventurous relationships with good clear communication etc...

Setting out firm wish lists only leads to looking for people with specifics and not for people with the important characteristics they have. I've seen so many folks use lists to basically avoid intimacy and true connection.

Lynn · 05-01-2011, 09:57 PM

On the one hand, experience in and out of relationships over the years has helped me clarify what qualities I want in a partner. On the other hand, as I myself have become stronger, as an individual, the exact attributes (the "list") have become very flexible.

I don't need someone to make a certain amount of money--I make my own. I don't need someone to have the same religious beliefs or educational level. Who am I to impose that on anyone? I can respect their beliefs and background if they can respect mine. I have a certain appreciation for butch women, so that's still there. What has become most important, as I get older, is that the person with whom I'm spending most of my time be ethical, caring, kind, and have a great sense of humor.

I say I'd rather be alone than compromise, and I say that I'm enough, by myself. But, as I am in a relationship, it's hard for me to say that I am being entirely honest with myself. Were I single, I know for sure that I would be inclined to seek companionship because I love sharing life with someone. I haven't always made the best choices, but I hope I've gotten better. And, should I ever become single again, I hope I can be as self-assured and mature as I'd like.

DomnNC · 05-01-2011, 10:01 PM

But I have to say after having the best, I'll not settle when I know how it can be with the right person.

Goofy · 05-01-2011, 10:17 PM

Somewhat jokingly, I told a friend, "she has to be shorter than me."

And she is. Except when she wears certain heels.

05-01-2011, 09:57 PM	#3
Lynn Member How Do You Identify?: Unabashed Feminine Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: Her, She Relationship Status: Married! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 689 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,499 Thanked 2,414 Times in 505 Posts Rep Power: 9668975	On the one hand, experience in and out of relationships over the years has helped me clarify what qualities I want in a partner. On the other hand, as I myself have become stronger, as an individual, the exact attributes (the "list") have become very flexible. I don't need someone to make a certain amount of money--I make my own. I don't need someone to have the same religious beliefs or educational level. Who am I to impose that on anyone? I can respect their beliefs and background if they can respect mine. I have a certain appreciation for butch women, so that's still there. What has become most important, as I get older, is that the person with whom I'm spending most of my time be ethical, caring, kind, and have a great sense of humor. I say I'd rather be alone than compromise, and I say that I'm enough, by myself. But, as I am in a relationship, it's hard for me to say that I am being entirely honest with myself. Were I single, I know for sure that I would be inclined to seek companionship because I love sharing life with someone. I haven't always made the best choices, but I hope I've gotten better. And, should I ever become single again, I hope I can be as self-assured and mature as I'd like. __________________ In the flush of love's light we dare be brave And suddenly we see that love costs all we are and will ever be. Yet it is only love which sets us free. Maya Angelou Wedding Photos: https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?...1&l=22b092b98c

05-01-2011, 10:01 PM	#4
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	This might be an answer. But I have to say after having the best, I'll not settle when I know how it can be with the right person.

05-01-2011, 09:15 PM	#1
Martina Senior Member How Do You Identify?: * Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: * Posts: 4,999 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,409 Thanked 18,284 Times in 4,167 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	People can meet all the criteria on your list, and it still might not work. i actually try not to try too hard. i find that the relationships the universe plunks down in front of me tend to work out better than the ones i try to make happen, meaning if i am thinking a lot about it and out there looking, etc. Not that i don't think looking and knowing what you want aren't good. They are. But i can't trust my addict's brain. i tend to look for people who aren't that great for me. The universe has better plans for me than i do, so i try to pay attention to that. i was talking about this this weekend with my Ma'am. i said something about a reason why i chose Her. She laughed and said that She crooked Her little finger and i came running, which is about right. i was totally NOT planning a D/s relationship again for a LONG time. i remember thinking ungratefully at the time, "The universe is working WAY too hard to make me happy." i don't know. i find that if one isn't fairly compatable, it won't work anyway. So why waste five years of your life figuring it out. There are wonderful compatable people out there for all of us. They key is being as open to the possibility as you can be or at least to take notice of the possibilities that come your way. i think there are many opportunities to be happy. It's just hard sometimes to choose happiness.

05-01-2011, 09:41 PM	#2
Silverseastar Member How Do You Identify?: femme, submissive, girl Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Singular Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Vancouver BC Posts: 133 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 348 Thanked 492 Times in 107 Posts Rep Power: 3095523	I don't make lists but I DO set intentions. Before I met Red Menace, on a forum I'm a part of, I had ironically stated what I wanted my relationship to feel like. Stating intentions that are open ended is a healthy thing I think- I want fun, adventurous relationships with good clear communication etc... Setting out firm wish lists only leads to looking for people with specifics and not for people with the important characteristics they have. I've seen so many folks use lists to basically avoid intimacy and true connection.

05-01-2011, 10:17 PM	#5
Goofy Member How Do You Identify?: Cheesecake Daddy Preferred Pronoun?: he Relationship Status: I'm blushing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Austin Posts: 300 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 120 Thanked 599 Times in 170 Posts Rep Power: 2573088	Somewhat jokingly, I told a friend, "she has to be shorter than me." And she is. Except when she wears certain heels.