Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[Silverseastar]

I don't make lists but I DO set intentions. Before I met Red Menace, on a forum I'm a part of, I had ironically stated what I wanted my relationship to feel like.

Stating intentions that are open ended is a healthy thing I think- I want fun, adventurous relationships with good clear communication etc...

Setting out firm wish lists only leads to looking for people with specifics and not for people with the important characteristics they have. I've seen so many folks use lists to basically avoid intimacy and true connection.

[Lynn]

On the one hand, experience in and out of relationships over the years has helped me clarify what qualities I want in a partner. On the other hand, as I myself have become stronger, as an individual, the exact attributes (the "list") have become very flexible.

I don't need someone to make a certain amount of money--I make my own. I don't need someone to have the same religious beliefs or educational level. Who am I to impose that on anyone? I can respect their beliefs and background if they can respect mine. I have a certain appreciation for butch women, so that's still there. What has become most important, as I get older, is that the person with whom I'm spending most of my time be ethical, caring, kind, and have a great sense of humor.

I say I'd rather be alone than compromise, and I say that I'm enough, by myself. But, as I am in a relationship, it's hard for me to say that I am being entirely honest with myself. Were I single, I know for sure that I would be inclined to seek companionship because I love sharing life with someone. I haven't always made the best choices, but I hope I've gotten better. And, should I ever become single again, I hope I can be as self-assured and mature as I'd like.