Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[JustJo]

I've never had a list of "must have" qualities, but like sassy I have a short list of deal-breakers...and those haven't changed.

If anything, I'm quicker to call a halt when I see a deal-breaker as I age. When I was younger, I tended to make more excuses for other people's bad behavior...which never works.

I've been single more than I've been coupled in my life...and while I don't rejoice in being alone, I'm comfortable with it and it doesn't scare me. I guess I adhere to the "better an empty house than a bad tenant" philosophy when it comes to relationships.

[apretty]

That's just it--My list was roughly this:

If you find someone who's company you enjoy, and who treats you well, but doesnt measure up to your preferred standards in some way, can you set your list aside and just enjoy the company?

And was never about a bunch unachievable standards. --Though tall, dark and handsome doesn't hurt.

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by apretty

That said, as I matured and had a couple of significant experiences--I knew *kindness* was extremely lacking in the list of qualities that I sought. As soon as I revised my list (and became really super okay with my single lifestyle--basically stopped looking) I met E.

It's funny that 'kindness' was overlooked by me but I just never really saw it modeled in my parents--Though my dad was kind to my mother in his way, my mother could really never receive what passed for his love (and really, vice versa). Needless to say, I've done a lot of work in that department (and continue to do so).

Outside of all of that--Laugh at my humor and make me laugh and I'm seriously your's (E's) forever. --Though kindness, mutual respect and the capacity to give and receive love doesn't hurt, either. <3

You forgot to mention my sexual prowess.

[Gaige]

yes, i have a partner wishlist and I have revised it. Initially I wanted a woman around my age +/- 5 years. Now that's not so important to me.

[dixie]

I have wishlists. Some things change accordingly as I change and grow as an individual. Most core values/etc stay the same. As it stands, the heart of my list all boils down to someone who's quirks are compatible with mine so that we can truly enjoy each other.

[Gemme]

If he can't dunk, I don't want him.

[musicman]

I have never had a wish list, I certainly look for certain qualities or characteristics in a potential life partner. I would think we all do. There has to be some common ground between the two of us. There is only soooo much sex one can have before you eventually are going to have to talk to that person.

I don't think there is anyone here that gets up in the morning and says I'd like to find someone who can look me in the eyes and outright lie to me. Or someone that is going to cheat on me first chance they get. I think we all have the "basic needs" in a partner.

We've all made mistakes and decisions that we regret now in our lives. I know I have made some astronomical mistakes and decisions in my lifetime that has altered my entire being.

I use to lean towards women with a certain hair color but I realized there were so many wonderfully women out there that I was missing. If you can find a partner that can hear your life story, the good parts and not skip pass the bad parts.See all your "warts" and still be standing in front of you with love in their eyes and not running for the hills, folks you have a keeper.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Life changes at the drop of a penny. I never thought I would be fat at 30 something since I was always always thin. I never thought I would have a heart attack at 46 yo. I never thought I would bury my sister at 50 yo. I never thought any of the dreams I had would come true. Nothing I ever prayed for or even wished for ever happened. I was the kid in school who used to wish to win the lottery to win the library book on birds. Nope. Never won that. Never won a trophy in grade school. Everyone else did. I wanted to be a lead in the school play "The Mikado". Nope. I ended up being a king's soldier.

Life is strange. What I wanted so much, I have just resigned myself to getting whatever. Now, I am so very grateful for what it is I have & I have been given. I am so very blessed.

Andrew

[MsTinkerbelly]

I never had a wish list, but I knew that there were things I had to have.

I had to have a partner in life...one that worked and played as hard as I do.
I had to have someone that would love me unconditionally.
I had to have someone that would stand by me while I got my disease under control and could be the partner THEY needed.

Sometimes if you are very very lucky, you get what you need.

[Vivacious1]

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... What has naturally evolved for me goes back to a statement that someone shared with me a long time ago. "I want someone to witness my life" This made me think before, however, until I began to be more mature and think about what life really meant to me, I seemed to be stuck in a pattern of "following an American Dream" that turned out to be fairly generic. I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

[MissItalianDiva]

This is definitely an interesting thread and one I will be thinking more about this weekend but as of right now my view on this is yes and no. I suppose under certain circumstances this could be due to settling or adjusting to reality but for me personally I don't think any of my adjustments have to do with settling but do in fact somewhat have to do with a reality check.

For me I used to have a huge laundry list and as I have grown older I have realized most of it just doesn't matter so I have gotten rid of them. I suppose in it's own way that qualifies as adjusting to reality. Over time I have grown and evolved and now believe love is unpredictable and random and frankly I don't give two hoots if they don't fold their underwear a certain way or if they were not everything on my original ridiculous list I had formed in my life.

Going with the flow of life not only feels better but seems to work better in the long run as well. Just my two cents!

[meridiantoo]

Originally Posted by Vivacious1

I think this is an interesting thread. For myself, I don't thing the changes in preferences for my partner's is settling or adjusting to reality, I think it is me maturing. I can honestly say that I have been with partners that I felt were my "ideal" in one way or the other. Whether it be looks, financial stability, security etc... I believe that we have each of our partner's for a reason, if we are wise we will learn something from each of them and keep our regrets to a minimum. I certainly have made my mistakes, but without those I would not have learned to be the woman that I am and I certainly would not have the ability to make the right decisions for my future.
I don't have a list any longer, it is either right or wrong, there is no in between.

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

[kittygrrl]

Originally Posted by meridiantoo

I think I am in the same place in life. I once wanted someone to be absolutely perfect or absolutely perfect for me, which meant the same thing. Does this 'soul mate' exist? For me, it has been yes and no. No one is going to meet my every want/need/desire/dream. And honestly, I'm not sure I want them to. I honor and value my own evolution as a person. I also believe strongly in valuing my partner's evolution. So, what are qualities that seem at first to be negatives or undesired traits, I would not necessarily peg as deal-breakers anymore. My deal-breakers are my only list now. I am a very different woman than I was 20 years ago. I hope to be different 20 year from now. Who would have knocked my socks off at 20 is not who knocks my socks off now. So, I have learned to be more fluid in my expectations. Does this mean I settle? Maybe. But, I think only if I feel I am settling.

Love your comments! The word settling is such loaded word..what is wrong with settling for the right reasons? I think it is very rare to find the someone who has all our bells and whistles and oftentimes the person we choose who we think has all the important ones we find is not what we needed most..or wanted for that matter. Earth life tends to be lead in the fast lane and we subject ourselves to many things which are not necessarily good for us and it is only through the universe showing us, "is this what you wanted?" we realize "No! not like that!" There is a saying about that we are always learning but not necessarily learning from it and tend to repeat the same mistakes. I've seen it often. It's not wrong, everything here gives us experience to understand (and bring) the meaning to our lives and what will give us ultimately....(at some point, hopefully)..a measure of happiness.

[Cin]

I never had a list and I doubt I ever will. There are way too many variables and unknowns for me to believe I know what I do and don't want. Something intolerable in one person seems perfectly acceptable in another because of some unfathomable and unpredictable mixture of aspects and factors, not to mention degree.

For example suppose on my hypothetical list I have that the person I will entertain as a suitable partner must be kind and easy to get along with. I meet a hypothetical someone who is kind and easy going, someone who goes with the flow and isn't always struggling against others. Then I discover that it is not so much that she is kind or even easy going as it is that she avoids conflict. She would prefer not to argue to the extent that she does not get what she wants and then she is frustrated but unable to express it. This sometimes results in her displeasure coming out sideways and as a result she can be occasionally passive aggressive. She would also like it if I were telepathic. I discover that easy going is not so easy after all and she requires my help in expressing her needs and wants. Depending on the rest of our relationship and other extenuating circumstances I might be willing to help her with this. Perhaps it would be worth it to me to stay in the relationship but perhaps it would not. But either way it's difficult to interpret other people's qualities as positive or negative and even harder to categorize their attributes.

I like M Scott Peck's definition of love as being the willingness to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. So for me lists would probably give way to love. That is probably the most important ingredient in my relationship choices. How loving are our interactions? Love and compassion go a long way in overcoming those inevitable obstacles.

The difference for me today is that when I was younger I wasn't aware that other people had lists. Now I know they do and the only thing on my list is that the person I am interested in doesn't have one. For me I would be worried that I wouldn't measure up and always wondering if the person had to settle. I want to be someone's choice not something to be settled for.

Luckily for me none of this is an issue since I am very happily married to a woman who seems as though she was made especially and specifically for me.

[job]

Exactly what Miss Tick said.

Also, as I have gotten older I care less about being with someone. So, if I even suspect I'll be happier alone....I'm good. Any interest is gone.

[BullDog]

Well, I posted in this thread in 2011 and stand by what I said then. I've never had a list beyond someone who is honest, kind, good sense of humor, intelligent and femme. Bonus points if she loves the arts and is politically minded to some extent. Sharing the same values about the importance of our relationship and enjoying living the same kind of life are key too. Someone I can laugh with constantly and someone who loves my quirks instead of just putting up with them, and I hers.

That said, I do believe it is possible for one person to meet all my bells, whistles and fireworks because I have found her. I couldn't have dreamed her up if I tried or measured her against some sort of list of qualifications. It's big things, quirky things and lots of other things in between. It's a combination of how our individual qualities and characteristics play off of one another. In some ways we are eerily similar and in other ways we are very different yet complementary. I couldn't have anticipated all of that ahead of time. And the consistent, mutually satisfying, supportive companionship is there too based on our communication and because we want to live the same kind of life and have the same kind of relationship. It may be sheer luck that we even found each other, but yes it is possible.

[Cailin]

At the end of the day, All I want is someone who understands and accepts me- and still WANTS to be with me.... but the biggest list factor will always and forever be "trust worthy" and communication. If I dont have those, then there is nothing to have.



However, wanting brown hair, and green or brown eyes doesn't hurt

[kittygrrl]

Kindness towards animals, people, the planet for a lifetime..There are endless themes on what love is or should be but Kindness is harder and more perfecting

[*Anya*]

My response has changed over time.

Ability to communicate is number one with me:

The good

The not-so-good

Feelings

Thoughts

Hopes

Dreams

The future

The past

The present

Hear, really hear, what is being said;

Without taking it personally

Without defensiveness

With openness

Caring

Love

Hope

Joy.

Yes.

[Dude]

* kindness
everything else that's important
is all some form of kindness