Breaking up

Gemme · 05-20-2011, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlin

Does anyone agree here that when you break up with someone you go through a form of grieving ?

Of course. The relationship you had with another is dead and, thus, you go through the 5 steps of grief.

1. Denial and Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Though, not everyone goes through the steps in the same way or processes them similarly. But, in some regard, we all do them.

girl_dee · 05-20-2011, 08:34 PM

I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

Quintease · 05-21-2011, 03:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sassy_girl

I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship.

Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

girl_dee · 05-21-2011, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot. I only grieve the people I loved (not that I'm implying you didn't love your partners).

exactly. I am wiser now

Soon · 05-21-2011, 06:51 AM

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

~Pema Chodron

hpychick · 05-21-2011, 11:24 AM

Thank you so very much for posting this from Pema - she is an amazing amazing human being!

She has touched my soul in many ways and her wisdom is timeless!

Quote:

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

~Pema Chodron

Sweet_Amor_Taino · 05-21-2011, 06:02 PM

I have been in love and in relationships. I grieved differently each time, Because each one brought something special to me and our relatiosnhip. The relatiosnhip that brought me most pain was the one that betrayed me. I knew this women wanted someone to carry her financially she liked money and although I did my best as a husband to provided, it was not enough. After our break up I learned that she has met a women that has plenty of money.. she found a pot of Gold, I now know why she pushed our friendship away.

I feel protected by the universe, I also know that I will always be a giving,loving caring guy that is my innate nature but much wiser. I could see and feel who deserves my heart attentions and Money.

I am reading
HICH NHAT HANH
Anger

Pema Chodron
The places that Scare You.
I suggest these books

Scrappy L'il Southpaw · 10-01-2011, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quintease

I have experienced this. I have a lot of trouble letting relationships go, even bad relationships. I always feel that if. I. just. hang. on. a. little. bit. longer. we might fix this thing... Of course I know it's rubbish, I know I'm unhappy, I know the likelihood of it getting better is minimal, yet still I hang on as I've invested time, emotions, and wardrobe space into making it work. When I finally give up I feel relief first, then annoyance at myself for being so stupid as to let it go on too long and even more fury if I let them drain me financially before finally giving them the boot.

I very much identify with this part of what you say. My BF and I were talking this week and she said to me, "I don't understand why you continue in a relationship even when you know it is not working for you." I do this even if it has not been more than a few months. Once I commit, I'm in. When it's truly over, I'm depressed over the loss and pissed and embarrassed for continuing so long after my mind and my gut was telling me "this is not good or right for me."

Quintease thank you for putting it into words. I'm going through it right now and am in such a spiral that I'm not making sense when I try to talk it out. I read your post and nearly burst into tears because it resonated so strongly with me.

Grieve? Oh hell yeah!!!!!

Amber2010 · 10-06-2011, 11:53 AM

Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more...

I agree with that quote. The one who walks away without even trying to compromise and work things out really feels nothing or maybe never did.. that person was just a convenience for them. I really can't see them hurting more since they didn't try to work on it. The ones who do try even if it may not work out can stay talking thoughout their lives and I have met many who are close with their ex's. Friendships and relationships change but the ones who work together on them stay connected forever just in a different way and who knows it may even be better.

MysticOceansFL · 10-06-2011, 12:15 PM

I would have to say it depends on the two people involved and how much time and effort they both put into the relationship because at some point I was the one who had to walk away from my relationship years ago and her and I had a six year marriage an I didn't date anyone for several years.

05-21-2011, 06:02 PM	#7
Sweet_Amor_Taino Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Gentleman Preferred Pronoun?: he/him Relationship Status: Exclusively dating, Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Austin Tx Posts: 538 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 388 Thanked 853 Times in 298 Posts Rep Power: 4397590	I have been in love and in relationships. I grieved differently each time, Because each one brought something special to me and our relatiosnhip. The relatiosnhip that brought me most pain was the one that betrayed me. I knew this women wanted someone to carry her financially she liked money and although I did my best as a husband to provided, it was not enough. After our break up I learned that she has met a women that has plenty of money.. she found a pot of Gold, I now know why she pushed our friendship away. I feel protected by the universe, I also know that I will always be a giving,loving caring guy that is my innate nature but much wiser. I could see and feel who deserves my heart attentions and Money. I am reading HICH NHAT HANH Anger Pema Chodron The places that Scare You. I suggest these books __________________ When we are aware that each moment of each day and each step we take,is truly mystical and full of wonder,we will live our lives with greater thought and care, we will also respect and appreciate This moment.

10-06-2011, 12:15 PM	#10
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	I would have to say it depends on the two people involved and how much time and effort they both put into the relationship because at some point I was the one who had to walk away from my relationship years ago and her and I had a six year marriage an I didn't date anyone for several years. __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

05-20-2011, 08:34 PM	#2
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,828 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474874	I must be pretty cold or detached because I've not experienced grieving. What I experienced was being upset with myself for ignoring red flags, letting things go on too long and kicking myself for always being broke after a relationship. Maybe I was too busy being pissed to grieve.

05-21-2011, 06:51 AM	#5
Soon Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: femme Relationship Status: attached Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: . Posts: 6,896 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,046 Thanked 13,093 Times in 3,386 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." ~Pema Chodron

10-06-2011, 11:53 AM	#9
Amber2010 Member How Do You Identify?: Happy, Crazy, Bubbly, Funny, Strong, Outgoing, Friendly Preferred Pronoun?: Femme Relationship Status: Complicated Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Florida Posts: 200 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 920 Thanked 594 Times in 154 Posts Rep Power: 3787185	Obviously, it depends on how much feelings you had for the person. Most times, the one who walks away feels no, or little grief. Naturally, every situation is different. Sometimes the one who walks away is hurting more... I agree with that quote. The one who walks away without even trying to compromise and work things out really feels nothing or maybe never did.. that person was just a convenience for them. I really can't see them hurting more since they didn't try to work on it. The ones who do try even if it may not work out can stay talking thoughout their lives and I have met many who are close with their ex's. Friendships and relationships change but the ones who work together on them stay connected forever just in a different way and who knows it may even be better.