Butch friends

scootebaby · 05-22-2011, 03:21 PM

i must first say that my words dont always come out right so PLEASE IF something i type offends or puts someone off DO NOT ASSUME the worst--ask for clarification....

I have NEVER had good luck with having butch friends--or femmes for that matter...most butches i have come across have had that need for a "pissing contest" or sneaking behind my back and trying to steal my girl....most femmes usually wanna piss off their partners by being my "friend"...now thats not to say ive had NO friends--i consider Day a friend tho we have only met once as i do Luv...more so than most ppl i see on a regular basis...most of my life i have had "str8" friends....even now i dont really have in real time lesbian friends--one or 2 tops

DapperButch · 05-22-2011, 03:34 PM

I actually have no in real life butch friends. I really only see feminine or androgynous like lesbians around here. My gf came home the other day shocked and excited that she saw a masculine appearing female in the convenience store. She lived here for 7 years single (after moving here) until we got together saying she just was not able to find a single butch in these parts! (hmmm..maybe she is with me b/c I am the only butch in town?)

Anyway, I do have one femme friend in real life, but that is it. She actually now defines as bisexual and has only dated XY males the last couple of years.

Strangely, I have found myself becoming connected to and hanging out with a bunch of heterosexual, heteronomative women at work. Not narrow in the way they think or the ideas that they are open too, they just have not been exposed to much outside of the "norm". They are also quite a bit older than me, as well.

We were talking about it on friday night when we went out for dinner. I think it is a function of how great of friends they were to me when I was going through the cancer surgery chemo and stuff.

But, I am getting off topic. I would like nothing more than to have a butch friend IRL.

Merlin · 05-22-2011, 03:40 PM

I find when I have femme friends I end up sleeping with them. I have more hetro friends,maybe subconciously I surround myself with them to play it safe.

Nina · 05-22-2011, 03:45 PM

Wow!

just...Wow!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlin

I find when I have femme friends I end up sleeping with them. I have more hetro friends,maybe subconciously I surround myself with them to play it safe.

Corkey · 05-22-2011, 03:49 PM

I have friends who are Femme and my wife is Femme and I only sleep with my wife. Not to say that poly folks have to adhere to monogamy, but I don't sleep with my friends in the first place, only my friend, my wife.

DapperButch · 05-22-2011, 03:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlin

I find when I have femme friends I end up sleeping with them. I have more hetro friends,maybe subconciously I surround myself with them to play it safe.

You know, I have never slept with a friend in my entire life. Ever.

If they are a friend, they stay that way. Once they are a friend, I just have an inability to sexualize them (and of course prefer not to). I know the friends with benefit thing and all (and there is nothing wrong with that), but it just has never been my style.

Merlin · 05-22-2011, 03:52 PM

For me it started off as friendships which progressed.

I have had three serious relationships.

And three liasons,i was a slow starter and missed out on lot's.

Julie · 05-22-2011, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlin

For me it started off as friendships which progressed.

I have had three serious relationships.

And three liasons,i was a slow starter and missed out on lot's.

Clearly this statement is different than what you stated above.

Most relationships begin as friendship, well at least in my world. It is how you develop.

I wish you great luck in finding your butch community. It is important to have comraderie - I know for me, developing relationships with other femmes, is like coming home. It's beautiful and I cherish those friendships.

Julie

Merlin · 05-22-2011, 04:00 PM

What's making it hard is in the uk we are geographically challenged,and compared to the usa it's a far smaller community.

I don't get to see fellow butch/femme folk due to work and sometimes it feels like a real lonely path to walk.

Massive · 05-22-2011, 04:00 PM

I don't mean to be nasty or step on any toes here, but I have to say, I think it is very different here in the UK as opposed to the US. Yes we have large gay communities in London, Brighton and a few other major cities, but most of us don't live in those places, most of us here are lucky to have one gay pub to go too, and most places do not have exclusively women only bars, I know I certainly don't. Sometimes there may be a bar which is aimed at gay men who 'tolerate' gay women, but nothing more. I may be missing something by having not travelled to the US, but I see it so often that people miss how someone is from the UK, and seem to miss how in a lot of ways, we're pretty far back in the dark ages in some ways when it comes to being queer. Yes, we have 'marriage' but it's not equal with hetero marriage in any way shape or form, it's a totally different culture in the UK, we're pretty old fashioned too, and nothing like the tv portrays either ...
Anyway, sorry for the derail, just wanted to say this.

Massive · 05-22-2011, 03:55 PM

I think predominantly my friends tend to be femme, because I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, they don't mind that I'm a butch who doesn't mind cooking, or cleaning or sewing a button on that's fallen off. Sometimes I feel judged by other butches, because I'm not 'butch enough' or some such shit, but on my local scene, I'm viewed as 'too butch', so most of the time I hang with gay men, because they don't give a monkey's flying arse who or what I am, they like me cos they get my sense of humour and know that I'll defend them to the hilt if they start getting hassled. I think the UK's got a lot to answer to and needs to grow up and start learning about alternative lifestyles, far too many brits are quick to point the finger when they see something they don't recognise or feel comfortable around.
At the end of the day for me, people are people, in real life the majority of my friends are metalheads/goths because they don't give a crap who I'm sleeping with, they just want to go out and have fun. I prefer it that way too, I don't ask to be judged because of how I look, but that's what tends to happen to me around other queers, I'm not one of the sheep following the herd and I'm not afraid of speaking my mind around bigoted people, which tends to alienate me around people who don't get that I'm honest and very blunt.
It would be nice to have more butch friends to be able to sit and chill with, but ... friends are friends, why should it matter how they ID really?

Corkey · 05-22-2011, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Massive

I think predominantly my friends tend to be femme, because I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, they don't mind that I'm a butch who doesn't mind cooking, or cleaning or sewing a button on that's fallen off. Sometimes I feel judged by other butches, because I'm not 'butch enough' or some such shit, but on my local scene, I'm viewed as 'too butch', so most of the time I hang with gay men, because they don't give a monkey's flying arse who or what I am, they like me cos they get my sense of humour and know that I'll defend them to the hilt if they start getting hassled. I think the UK's got a lot to answer to and needs to grow up and start learning about alternative lifestyles, far too many brits are quick to point the finger when they see something they don't recognise or feel comfortable around.
At the end of the day for me, people are people, in real life the majority of my friends are metalheads/goths because they don't give a crap who I'm sleeping with, they just want to go out and have fun. I prefer it that way too, I don't ask to be judged because of how I look, but that's what tends to happen to me around other queers, I'm not one of the sheep following the herd and I'm not afraid of speaking my mind around bigoted people, which tends to alienate me around people who don't get that I'm honest and very blunt.
It would be nice to have more butch friends to be able to sit and chill with, but ... friends are friends, why should it matter how they ID really?

I friggen LOVE to cook, I like to scrapbook, take photos and a bunch of other stuff. It doesn't define me, and you shouldn't let your love of doing "things" define you either my friend.

Massive · 05-22-2011, 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Corkey

I friggen LOVE to cook, I like to scrapbook, take photos and a bunch of other stuff. It doesn't define me, and you shouldn't let your love of doing "things" define you either my friend.

Thanks Corkey! I don't now, I love it all too! But when I was younger I let myself be led around by the nose by my so-called peers, now, I'm happy being me and not pretending any more, like me, love me, or hate me, I'm not changing a damn thing for anything but my own benefit!

Julie · 05-22-2011, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlin

I find when I have femme friends I end up sleeping with them. I have more hetro friends,maybe subconciously I surround myself with them to play it safe.

Perhaps this is why you have few butch friends.
Prior to being on this site - most of my friends were butch or gay men. A few straight female friends and very few femme friends.

I am femme and I can share a bed with my butch friends and know - NOT EVER - would either one of us cross that line. Why would we? We are simply friends.

Perhaps the fact you sexualize relationships. Maybe something to think about.

Julie who is now well balanced in her circle of friends.

cuddlyfemme · 05-26-2011, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Merlin

I find when I have femme friends I end up sleeping with them. I have more hetro friends,maybe subconciously I surround myself with them to play it safe.

I don't even know what to say to this (strange for me) except for what has already been said....Wow!!! My best friend is a butch and we could share a bed with nothing happening except sleep

apretty · 05-26-2011, 10:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cuddlyfemme

My best friend is a butch and we could share a bed with nothing happening except sleep

For whatever reason, Ez's not enthusiastic about me sleeping in bed with my butch-b-f-f!

his response, 'it's not happening.'

me: i never get nothing nice.

(silence)

me: what if it were a futon?

05-22-2011, 03:34 PM	#2
DapperButch Roadster Guy How Do You Identify?: FTM, Stone Butch Preferred Pronoun?: He Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Northeast Posts: 7,745 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 26,545 Thanked 26,814 Times in 5,772 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Good Topic I actually have no in real life butch friends. I really only see feminine or androgynous like lesbians around here. My gf came home the other day shocked and excited that she saw a masculine appearing female in the convenience store. She lived here for 7 years single (after moving here) until we got together saying she just was not able to find a single butch in these parts! (hmmm..maybe she is with me b/c I am the only butch in town?) Anyway, I do have one femme friend in real life, but that is it. She actually now defines as bisexual and has only dated XY males the last couple of years. Strangely, I have found myself becoming connected to and hanging out with a bunch of heterosexual, heteronomative women at work. Not narrow in the way they think or the ideas that they are open too, they just have not been exposed to much outside of the "norm". They are also quite a bit older than me, as well. We were talking about it on friday night when we went out for dinner. I think it is a function of how great of friends they were to me when I was going through the cancer surgery chemo and stuff. But, I am getting off topic. I would like nothing more than to have a butch friend IRL. __________________ -Dapper Are you educated or indoctrinated?

05-22-2011, 03:40 PM	#3
Merlin Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Knight in shining armour. Relationship Status: Spoken for Join Date: May 2011 Location: England Posts: 250 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 87 Thanked 547 Times in 170 Posts Rep Power: 6763778	I find when I have femme friends I end up sleeping with them. I have more hetro friends,maybe subconciously I surround myself with them to play it safe. __________________ https://youtu.be/IWvEXChflEE

05-22-2011, 03:49 PM	#5
Corkey Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Human Preferred Pronoun?: He Relationship Status: Very Married Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Where I want to be Posts: 8,155 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 47,491 Thanked 29,270 Times in 6,637 Posts Rep Power: 21474859	I have friends who are Femme and my wife is Femme and I only sleep with my wife. Not to say that poly folks have to adhere to monogamy, but I don't sleep with my friends in the first place, only my friend, my wife. __________________ "Many proposals have been made to us to adopt your laws, your religion, your manners and your customs. We would be better pleased with beholding the good effects of these doctrines in your own practices, than with hearing you talk about them". ~Old Tassel, Chief of the Tsalagi (Cherokee)

05-22-2011, 03:52 PM	#7
Merlin Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Knight in shining armour. Relationship Status: Spoken for Join Date: May 2011 Location: England Posts: 250 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 87 Thanked 547 Times in 170 Posts Rep Power: 6763778	For me it started off as friendships which progressed. I have had three serious relationships. And three liasons,i was a slow starter and missed out on lot's. __________________ https://youtu.be/IWvEXChflEE

05-22-2011, 04:00 PM	#9
Merlin Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: Knight in shining armour. Relationship Status: Spoken for Join Date: May 2011 Location: England Posts: 250 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 87 Thanked 547 Times in 170 Posts Rep Power: 6763778	What's making it hard is in the uk we are geographically challenged,and compared to the usa it's a far smaller community. I don't get to see fellow butch/femme folk due to work and sometimes it feels like a real lonely path to walk. __________________ https://youtu.be/IWvEXChflEE

05-22-2011, 03:21 PM	#1
scootebaby Timed Out How Do You Identify?: yes dear Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: south florida Posts: 2,494 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,264 Thanked 6,737 Times in 1,777 Posts Rep Power: 0	i must first say that my words dont always come out right so PLEASE IF something i type offends or puts someone off DO NOT ASSUME the worst--ask for clarification.... I have NEVER had good luck with having butch friends--or femmes for that matter...most butches i have come across have had that need for a "pissing contest" or sneaking behind my back and trying to steal my girl....most femmes usually wanna piss off their partners by being my "friend"...now thats not to say ive had NO friends--i consider Day a friend tho we have only met once as i do Luv...more so than most ppl i see on a regular basis...most of my life i have had "str8" friends....even now i dont really have in real time lesbian friends--one or 2 tops

05-22-2011, 04:00 PM	#10
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	I don't mean to be nasty or step on any toes here, but I have to say, I think it is very different here in the UK as opposed to the US. Yes we have large gay communities in London, Brighton and a few other major cities, but most of us don't live in those places, most of us here are lucky to have one gay pub to go too, and most places do not have exclusively women only bars, I know I certainly don't. Sometimes there may be a bar which is aimed at gay men who 'tolerate' gay women, but nothing more. I may be missing something by having not travelled to the US, but I see it so often that people miss how someone is from the UK, and seem to miss how in a lot of ways, we're pretty far back in the dark ages in some ways when it comes to being queer. Yes, we have 'marriage' but it's not equal with hetero marriage in any way shape or form, it's a totally different culture in the UK, we're pretty old fashioned too, and nothing like the tv portrays either ... Anyway, sorry for the derail, just wanted to say this.

05-22-2011, 03:55 PM	#11
Massive Member How Do You Identify?: Trans man Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him Relationship Status: not looking Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Northern England Posts: 945 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,669 Thanked 2,383 Times in 765 Posts Rep Power: 17762095	I think predominantly my friends tend to be femme, because I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not, they don't mind that I'm a butch who doesn't mind cooking, or cleaning or sewing a button on that's fallen off. Sometimes I feel judged by other butches, because I'm not 'butch enough' or some such shit, but on my local scene, I'm viewed as 'too butch', so most of the time I hang with gay men, because they don't give a monkey's flying arse who or what I am, they like me cos they get my sense of humour and know that I'll defend them to the hilt if they start getting hassled. I think the UK's got a lot to answer to and needs to grow up and start learning about alternative lifestyles, far too many brits are quick to point the finger when they see something they don't recognise or feel comfortable around. At the end of the day for me, people are people, in real life the majority of my friends are metalheads/goths because they don't give a crap who I'm sleeping with, they just want to go out and have fun. I prefer it that way too, I don't ask to be judged because of how I look, but that's what tends to happen to me around other queers, I'm not one of the sheep following the herd and I'm not afraid of speaking my mind around bigoted people, which tends to alienate me around people who don't get that I'm honest and very blunt. It would be nice to have more butch friends to be able to sit and chill with, but ... friends are friends, why should it matter how they ID really?