Open Letter: Dear Femme

[Bit]

To the very sweet friend who clued me in: Thank you, I will try that!

Her advice for my nails? Prenatal vitamins, half of one a day. Hey, maybe it'll give me back my symbol, eh?

Honeybarbara, I hadn't thought of "replacing" my nails with other feminine symbols, but yanno, it's coming on time to replace my hair scrunchies--I almost always wear my hair tied back--and maybe it would be a really good idea to choose prettier ones this time. I really hadn't thought of that, thank you--and thanks to your sweetie for thinking of it, too!

It's odd, how symbols of femininity are so important to me. I didn't expect this... I guess when my nails were long and strong and my hair was still blonde and my skin was young, I took it for granted that I didn't have to worry about "looking feminine enough." Now that age and anemia have taken a toll, I find that unless I "look feminine enough" it badly affects whether or not I feel sexually attractive.

I don't think that my outward signs of femininity should be so strongly tied to whether or not I feel sexy---sexy should be about being female, which is the reality of my body, NOT about looking feminine, which is basically society's images (and images to me are illusion, not reality)--but I honestly don't know how to untie the two things. To me, looking feminine by society's standards is required before I can feel sexy.

This is REALLY disconcerting for an old feminist like me. I really don't like it. *wry look*

[christie]

Bit -

I struggled for the majority of my life with feeling feminine. Its not hard to see the conundrum when you look at what society called "pretty" - 5'2" "barbie doll" blond haired, blue eyed, tanned, petite lil thangs. At 6'1, redheaded and blue eyed, pale white skin that burns at the mere mention of the sun. Well, I always felt so out of place.

It took a good number of years to come to the self-realization that my femininity and feeling sexy came needed to start on the inside. It certainly didn't hurt that redheads became "in". It didn't hurt that I am more comfortable in beautiful heels/stilettoes with great legs.

Over the years, my "fuck what everyone else thinks" attitude has really made me find my sense of self and sexiness. I am just as sexy in a killah dress and heels, a power suit, or in a pair of baggy basketball shorts, tank top and do-rag (my weekend home project attire). I have to decide that I am sexy. I can't let anyone or anything decide that for me. That is my power and mine alone.

In as far as the "symbols" of femininity, I admit that keeping my nails done is a priority for me. I have long, thin hands (7 1/2" from tip to base) and I feel positively undone without them. I can palm a basketball or grab an octave on the piano and without my nails manicured and polished, I feel like I have "man hands". That and lovely shoes are probably my only two "symbols."

Darlin', get up and look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are sexy. You are pretty. You are smart. You are (fill in the blank). Literally do this. Its amazing after a while that you will begin to believe it.

Christie

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by christie0918

Bit -

I struggled for the majority of my life with feeling feminine. Its not hard to see the conundrum when you look at what society called "pretty" - 5'2" "barbie doll" blond haired, blue eyed, tanned, petite lil thangs. At 6'1, redheaded and blue eyed, pale white skin that burns at the mere mention of the sun. Well, I always felt so out of place.

It took a good number of years to come to the self-realization that my femininity and feeling sexy came needed to start on the inside. It certainly didn't hurt that redheads became "in". It didn't hurt that I am more comfortable in beautiful heels/stilettoes with great legs.

Over the years, my "fuck what everyone else thinks" attitude has really made me find my sense of self and sexiness. I am just as sexy in a killah dress and heels, a power suit, or in a pair of baggy basketball shorts, tank top and do-rag (my weekend home project attire). I have to decide that I am sexy. I can't let anyone or anything decide that for me. That is my power and mine alone.

In as far as the "symbols" of femininity, I admit that keeping my nails done is a priority for me. I have long, thin hands (7 1/2" from tip to base) and I feel positively undone without them. I can palm a basketball or grab an octave on the piano and without my nails manicured and polished, I feel like I have "man hands". That and lovely shoes are probably my only two "symbols."

Darlin', get up and look in that mirror and tell yourself that you are sexy. You are pretty. You are smart. You are (fill in the blank). Literally do this. Its amazing after a while that you will begin to believe it.

Christie

The funny thing is.....I'd kill to be taller and to have red hair! To each their own, yes?

I agree with most of your line of thinking except one thing....the 'standard' ideal for who/what is beautiful is aimed more towards those in the middle of the height chart....around 5 foot 4 or 5 foot 5, I think. At least, as someone who is 5 foot one and a half inches tall, that is my experience. It's assumed that I am not strong because of my lack of height, which, I do understand is instinctual. The tallest, strongest, prettiest mate is the one that is typically chosen (depending on the particular species).

Has anyone ever noticed the switcheroo that occurs between the animal kingdom and us humans? There, it's the male and masculine that is the most colorful and designed to catch a potential mate's eyes, but the reverse is true for us in that the female and feminine partners are the ones to use color and bright and shiny things to catch our partner's attention.

[Bit]

It swings back and forth, Gemme--there have been times in history when men were QUITE the peacocks; I think Elizabethan times were one of them. Also, I think maybe other cultures than ours allow for more showiness in men.

Christie, my feminist mind totally gets it... tis something deeper at work in me, I guess, something I haven't figured out yet, that makes these symbols of femininity so important to me. My hands aren't mannish, but to me without long polished nails they look ugly and then I feel less feminine. It's REALLY disconcerting to understand this about myself. I don't want these things to be tied together, and I thought I had succeeded in UNTYING them... but here I am again. *rueful smile*

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Bit

It swings back and forth, Gemme--there have been times in history when men were QUITE the peacocks; I think Elizabethan times were one of them. Also, I think maybe other cultures than ours allow for more showiness in men.

*nods*

I think you are right. 'Showiness' is appreciated more in other countries than ours. So many of our cultures here in the U.S. emphasize a muted, almost subversive, 'showiness'. I probably could find another word other than 'showiness', but I like it.

[Kate09]

Originally Posted by christie0918

Bit -

I struggled for the majority of my life with feeling feminine. Its not hard to see the conundrum when you look at what society called "pretty" - 5'2" "barbie doll" blond haired, blue eyed, tanned, petite lil thangs. At 6'1, redheaded and blue eyed, pale white skin that burns at the mere mention of the sun. Well, I always felt so out of place.



Christie

I've so often felt the exact same way. And for myself, i need to add my weight to this list...bc so often i feel that fat cant be pretty or feminine.

This is something i heard one day that made me SO happy to be a femme tho.. gotta love it.

[nomedia="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7IzwUa_kI"]YouTube- To all of the kick ass, beautiful fierce femmes out there...[/nomedia]

[Lillie]

great clip..I enjoyed it..and hy is fabulous!

[blush]

****bump****

This thread needs some action!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by blush

****bump****

This thread needs some action!

Action pusher.

[Passionaria]

I think this is a good place to express this. It's about femme sisterhood. I had an experience with a femme friend today, that in my mind is worthy of a public conversation. It's about how we do or don't respect each others hearts.

****** is a friend of mine. ****** is interested in my ex. My ex and I have been apart for over a year, but are still close friends. Everyone who knows us, knows this. Well they have been flirting, and playing with "that" energy (please don't make me watch) Today this femme had the maturity, and consideration to have a heart to heart talk with me about her feelings. And went so far as to ask for my blessing before going further, as to not hurt me.

I can't tell you how much I respect her, and appreciate her honesty and care. She was worried about talking to me, and felt guilty, not addressing it. Now she could have gone a lot of different ways with those feelings, but she decided to act like an adult and address it. It hurts to watch people we love(ed) move on. If it is done callously, and disrespectfully the pain only deepens. It wasn't a fun conversation for either of us, but her care helped the pain, she knew she was causing me. So BRAVA too her, for acting like a real woman, and a true sister.THAT I can respect, that's being REAL. In my mind that's how sisters should act. How do you other femmes feel about this?????

Pashi