Second Chances?

pajama · 07-06-2011, 04:49 PM

As many have said, if she's asking for time and space, then give it. And give it honestly, don't check in every other day to see if it's been "long" enough. LOL

It all depends on the transgression and, of course, the people. But I've know it to not work, and I've known it to work. I had to step away from a person for almost two years. Give her space. Work back into her graces slowly. Finally after two years we were able to see where it goes again. And I am in a much better place to move it forward, and I think the relationship is in a much better place, with much clearer disclosure.

So give her the time/space she needs. Take that time to look at yourself, like why you did whatever it was that you did. What You want from this or any relationship. etc etc etc

It will get better in time. Hang in there.

A

Heart · 07-06-2011, 06:44 PM

Time and space is not really yours to give or to withhold. Your focus should be on you - your needs, feelings, and boundaries.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-06-2011, 06:53 PM

Replies... very... nice, thank you.

Ah, basically, I did a complete 180 - my last girlfriend was an abusive alcoholic, and this woman is so completely the opposite. She's absolutely amazing, and what did I do? Well, I pushed her away, time and time again. Thing is, I didn't exactly realise what I was doing until it was too late.

Isn't that how it always works, though?

Anyway, after many, many tears and "I love yous" we have mutually decided to be friends, and she is still planning on flying down here next week to see me - no promises, no expectations.

I'm just hoping that by showing her that I really do love her, and I never intentionally tried to hurt her, and that I'm going to be seeing someone to try and work out my issues with pushing away great people and trying to hold onto abusive people, maybe we can slowly work things out.

Again, thank you.

LaneyDoll · 07-06-2011, 10:22 PM

OK, I have got a good feeling about this. The fact that you plan to see someone about your relationship habits (I don't care for the word issue here) speaks volumes about your dedication to making things work. At worst, you may end up learning the signs that you are starting to push and at best, you will end up with a really great friend who is able to call you out on potentially self-destructive relationship behavior. And, who knows, in the end, you may even get the girl.

I truly wish you all of the best and will send good luck energy your way, that is, if you want it.

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-10-2011, 03:53 PM

Thanks

I really love this girl, and I just want her to know that I'm still me, I'm still the person she started falling in love with - I just have some emotional relationship habits that I am more than willing to work on and ultimately change. She is potentially the most wonderful person I've ever known, and after mapping out my destructive behaviours, I've realised that she has done nothing but try to make our relationship work - and all I've done is, well, dig and dig until I find something to call her out on - when, really, everything I've gotten upset about has been so insignificant and unintentional. Trivial, really

I'm ashamed, but willing to talk about it in person, and see if we can repair this bad patch.

Does anyone else have thoughts on second chances? Or, hopefully, there's someone else out there who pushes good people away, too - something I can relate to, haha... <3

MysticOceansFL · 07-10-2011, 04:27 PM

Everyone deserves a second chance thats part of learning and growing and going forward that is if you both can work the "issues out."

proximitywithoutintimacy · 07-19-2011, 01:20 PM

It's not looking good, over here

I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me.

Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me

Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself?

Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that what I did was awful - but not unforgiveable?

Sorry for the incessant rambling...

07-06-2011, 10:22 PM	#4
LaneyDoll Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Girly girl femme Preferred Pronoun?: She; Ma'am; Miss ;) Relationship Status: Pitbull protected. Join Date: Apr 2011 Location: Birmingham, AL Posts: 2,204 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,892 Thanked 7,683 Times in 1,607 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	OK, I have got a good feeling about this. The fact that you plan to see someone about your relationship habits (I don't care for the word issue here) speaks volumes about your dedication to making things work. At worst, you may end up learning the signs that you are starting to push and at best, you will end up with a really great friend who is able to call you out on potentially self-destructive relationship behavior. And, who knows, in the end, you may even get the girl. I truly wish you all of the best and will send good luck energy your way, that is, if you want it. __________________ There are beauties who stop traffic and then there are beauties who grow obsessively in the hearts of the susceptible.

07-10-2011, 04:27 PM	#6
MysticOceansFL Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch, Preferred Pronoun?: People call me by my nic name. Relationship Status: Not Single, Not Desperate. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Florida Posts: 3,833 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,645 Thanked 4,033 Times in 1,720 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	Everyone deserves a second chance thats part of learning and growing and going forward that is if you both can work the "issues out." __________________ Faith is not belief without proof, but trust without reservation. It is said, " Some lives are linked across time..... Connected by an ancient calling that echoes through the ages "......

07-06-2011, 04:49 PM	#1
pajama Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Klingon Preferred Pronoun?: She Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Just South of Nashvegas Baby Posts: 3,115 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 7,546 Thanked 7,476 Times in 1,808 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	As many have said, if she's asking for time and space, then give it. And give it honestly, don't check in every other day to see if it's been "long" enough. LOL It all depends on the transgression and, of course, the people. But I've know it to not work, and I've known it to work. I had to step away from a person for almost two years. Give her space. Work back into her graces slowly. Finally after two years we were able to see where it goes again. And I am in a much better place to move it forward, and I think the relationship is in a much better place, with much clearer disclosure. So give her the time/space she needs. Take that time to look at yourself, like why you did whatever it was that you did. What You want from this or any relationship. etc etc etc It will get better in time. Hang in there. A

07-06-2011, 06:44 PM	#2
Heart Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: rainbows! Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: NY Posts: 466 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 303 Thanked 2,522 Times in 409 Posts Rep Power: 12032610	Time and space is not really yours to give or to withhold. Your focus should be on you - your needs, feelings, and boundaries.

07-06-2011, 06:53 PM	#3
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Replies... very... nice, thank you. Ah, basically, I did a complete 180 - my last girlfriend was an abusive alcoholic, and this woman is so completely the opposite. She's absolutely amazing, and what did I do? Well, I pushed her away, time and time again. Thing is, I didn't exactly realise what I was doing until it was too late. Isn't that how it always works, though? Anyway, after many, many tears and "I love yous" we have mutually decided to be friends, and she is still planning on flying down here next week to see me - no promises, no expectations. I'm just hoping that by showing her that I really do love her, and I never intentionally tried to hurt her, and that I'm going to be seeing someone to try and work out my issues with pushing away great people and trying to hold onto abusive people, maybe we can slowly work things out. Again, thank you.

07-10-2011, 03:53 PM	#5
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	Thanks I really love this girl, and I just want her to know that I'm still me, I'm still the person she started falling in love with - I just have some emotional relationship habits that I am more than willing to work on and ultimately change. She is potentially the most wonderful person I've ever known, and after mapping out my destructive behaviours, I've realised that she has done nothing but try to make our relationship work - and all I've done is, well, dig and dig until I find something to call her out on - when, really, everything I've gotten upset about has been so insignificant and unintentional. Trivial, really I'm ashamed, but willing to talk about it in person, and see if we can repair this bad patch. Does anyone else have thoughts on second chances? Or, hopefully, there's someone else out there who pushes good people away, too - something I can relate to, haha... <3

07-19-2011, 01:20 PM	#7
proximitywithoutintimacy Member How Do You Identify?: Rocker Lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: That One Girl ;) Relationship Status: Putting My Heart Back Together Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: USA Posts: 175 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 141 Thanked 290 Times in 106 Posts Rep Power: 670282	It's not looking good, over here I tried opening up to her, telling her how much I really do love her, and am working on myself... she said she is here to support me, but just as my friend, and that she feels like she had to change to become perfect for me. Now, this is not the case, as I love her for exactly who she is - nothing more, nothing less. However, my fears and insecurities took over and led her to believe that she was never good enough for me Funny thing is, everyone I talk to, seems to believe that if the feelings were in fact, genuine and honest, that time and space is going to help heal because we're both in very vulnerable states of mind. Talking to her may feel like running my head into a brick wall right now, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's suddenly over me - she's protecting herself? Gah, I don't know. I just feel like we had something too beautiful to just throw away like this, and that what I did was awful - but not unforgiveable? Sorry for the incessant rambling...