StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

jelli · 07-11-2011, 09:50 PM

"Happy T Day to my Tina. Almost 9 years ago I tried to tell her to run away and just when she thought it might be safe to stop running - run faster and further.

T: Well how many kids do you have?
Me: 5
T: (laughing)
Me: No, seriously. (It's hard to believe she took the role for better or for worse).

There's not a holiday that celebrates certain roles. I have this amazing partner in my life that 9 years ago accepted such a huge challenge of me and 5 kids. I don't really have the words for Tina. She has evolved ad continues to impress me.

The judge asked "who will support this woman and her children?" T stood up and firmly stated "I will Your Honor" Every day since she has done everything she said she would do. She works her butt off to support the kids and I.

Sure we have our moments like everyone else. We've had to compromise, change, and really dig deep for a better understanding of how certain families and relationships come together and in some cases not so much.

My T - I can not thank you for what you've done and for what you've also endured in the name of loving me. My children have not always been accepting, forgiving, understanding, and/or appreciative... and yet you are still there. There is great joy and yet sadness when I don't feel as if you're given enough respect for ALL that you DO. I wish I had words to tell you what YOU mean to me. ♥

I AM SO PROUD TO LOVE YOU!

I can't imagine loving and supporting kids that if push came to shove you have no laws to uphold any rights. You can't claim them as dependents for tax purposes even though you support more than 50%, and still have paid(when the law allows) to provide insurance. I could go on because I feel as if I am rambling trying to get my point across. I guess my point is I am thank for you on more days than this one."

jelli · 07-11-2011, 09:58 PM

Things we have learned over the years:

~You're either going to California or you're not. All in or all out.
~Changes and compromise are going to take place.
~ You have to give to get and even sometimes then you get the short end of the stick. Just make sure you're intention is coming from the right spot so you don't build up a lot of resentment.
~When it comes to older kids/teens - leave the discipline up to the biological parent.
~Mistakes are going to happen and here again is where hopefully you will learn and choose to make changes or compromise for the betterment of the family unit.
~Practice forgiveness.
~Don't forget to be an individual.
~Don't forget to be a couple.

Bard · 07-11-2011, 10:59 PM

Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing..

My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon.
After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home..

on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family
Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner.

OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her
Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it
the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd
As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't
Sorry I have been long here
unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children

jelli · 07-12-2011, 06:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bard

Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing..

My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon.
After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home..

on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family
Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner.

OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her
Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it
the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd
As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't
Sorry I have been long here
unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children

Let me first say this: I am so sorry you were ever mistreated. Nobody(child or adult) deserves that type of abuse.

It warmed my heart to read a good(read: healthier) woman came int your father and your life when she did and you took a chance on letting her love you. Now you have another good woman to love you and your Abby. Props to Desd for taking on such a role.

I don't know if you will ever experience it, but also be prepared for Abby to make attempts at putting you and Desd against each other. T and I thought we were solid, but have had many times where the rascals snuck in on us.

Communication is key. Sometimes we believe we have talk about everything possible and think we have a game plan... kids are crafty let me tell you. HAHAHA

Which brings me to another point - keep a good sense of humor.

justkim · 07-12-2011, 07:42 AM

What a great thread!

theoddz · 07-12-2011, 08:47 AM

My parents divorced when I was 13 and my mother has never dated or remarried. I asked her why once, and she told me that she was "too busy raising children, going back to school (at age 40+) and working". I always remember Mother working and teaching adult ed night school. She was constantly busy and yet always made time to be a pretty good, loving and supportive parent. In that way, I can honestly say that I never missed having a stepfather or anything like that. Mother was "the package deal" and she was good at it!! My parents, though divorced, did a wonderful job co-parenting my sister and me and even with the bitterness they held towards each other, never let that leak through to their love and responsibilities to my sister and myself.

My dad, on the other hand, has dated several different women over the years and has had some pretty good luck with finding good ones!! He has never officially remarried, but the woman I call my "Stepmom" has been by his side and lived with him for nearly 20 years now, so if that doesn't constitute being his "wife" and our "stepmom", I don't know what does. She's very much a part of our family and she has been there 150% for both my sister and myself when Mother wasn't or couldn't be. Betty is a gem of a Lady (I have some pics of her in my gallery)!!! I can't say enough about how kind, loving, supportive and dear she is. Of course, by the time she and Pop got together, my sister and I were grown adults, so Betty has never had to fill the role of "parental unit" to us in a parent/child relationship. Before Pop, she'd been married 3 times and never had any children of her own. I just know that, when certain situations have arisen that have been "touchy" and maybe have inched over that line into a sort of parent/child dynamic with Mother and Pop, Betty steps back and doesn't "interfere", as she calls it. Now, if there's something that comes up with Pop, or if my sister or I have trouble reasoning with him, or bringing something up that's difficult, Betty will *very* gently "run interference", and have both appreciated her for that. She has never...ever, ever, ever said or even indicated any sort of hostility, anger, jealousy or animosity, or made any sort of foul comments about or towards my mother. In fact, my mother and Betty are friends, and when Mother comes to Las Vegas for a visit, she and Betty always manage to have lunch together, exchange little gifts back and forth, they send each other birthday and Christmas cards, etc. It's really a nice relationship that we all enjoy as a family unit. Betty is a true Lady and I've always called her a total "Class Act". I love her like a second mother and I'm very very happy that Pop has such a good woman by his side....and she makes him happy. She's a classic Lady of The Greatest Generation.

Recently, Betty has been battling throat cancer. She was diagnosed last fall when a nodule appeared on her neck and it was found to be malignant. This shook our family to its core and we've all rallied behind her. I can't imagine Betty not being a part of our family and we've all stood with her, as her family, to take care of her and get her through this ordeal. She's 87 now and her health is fragile, and I think that the fact that she's had to undergo something like this has brought it to all of our attention just how much we love and adore this good Lady.

Incidentally, Betty has completed her course of radiation and chemotherapy and has been deemed officially cancer free!!! She's still weak and tires easily and is still having to use the PEG (stomach) tube for most of her nutrition as her throat heals from the effects of the radiation, but she's on the upswing now and that's what counts!! Pop stands steadfastly beside her, doing her tube feedings for her every 2 hours during the day and scheduling his life around her schedule. He's so devoted, patient and loving with her, and couldn't be any more so, had she been his "legal" wife.

So, yes, I've got a stepmother in my life and she's a wonderful person and Lady. I couldn't be luckier.....or more thankful to G-d for having this lovely stepmom in my life.

~Theo~

Medusa · 07-12-2011, 09:27 AM

I have had a step-mother and 4 step-fathers.

One of my step-fathers is still in my life. Here's why:
* When my Mom married him, I was 4. He got in the floor and played Barbies with me and took me to museums. He showed an interest in me having a good childhood. Even as a child, I could feel that. He cared!

* When he disciplined me, it was firm and fair. I rarely screwed up with him because I loved him so much and respected what he asked of me. He never spanked me, hit me, or called me names.

* He refused to argue with my Mom in front of me. That made me feel safe.

* He hugged! A lot! And it wasn't creepy!

* Even after they divorced, he made an effort to be in my life. He is my Brother's Dad so when he would come pick my Brother up for visitation, he would ask my Mom if he could take me too so that "the kids can be together". She never allowed it but he did try. He also sent gifts to me at Christmas. When I was old enough to drive, I would go to see him about once a month and he was always overjoyed to see me.

I think it takes a lot of courage and patience to co-parent a child who isn't yours and applaud those who are doing it (and doing it WELL!)

07-11-2011, 09:50 PM	#1
jelli Member How Do You Identify?: Femmilicious Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: And you said I wasn’t your type!!! Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: SC Posts: 836 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,758 Thanked 1,079 Times in 377 Posts Rep Power: 16588549	Reposting from my Father's Day FB post... "Happy T Day to my Tina. Almost 9 years ago I tried to tell her to run away and just when she thought it might be safe to stop running - run faster and further. T: Well how many kids do you have? Me: 5 T: (laughing) Me: No, seriously. (It's hard to believe she took the role for better or for worse). There's not a holiday that celebrates certain roles. I have this amazing partner in my life that 9 years ago accepted such a huge challenge of me and 5 kids. I don't really have the words for Tina. She has evolved ad continues to impress me. The judge asked "who will support this woman and her children?" T stood up and firmly stated "I will Your Honor" Every day since she has done everything she said she would do. She works her butt off to support the kids and I. Sure we have our moments like everyone else. We've had to compromise, change, and really dig deep for a better understanding of how certain families and relationships come together and in some cases not so much. My T - I can not thank you for what you've done and for what you've also endured in the name of loving me. My children have not always been accepting, forgiving, understanding, and/or appreciative... and yet you are still there. There is great joy and yet sadness when I don't feel as if you're given enough respect for ALL that you DO. I wish I had words to tell you what YOU mean to me. ♥ I AM SO PROUD TO LOVE YOU! I can't imagine loving and supporting kids that if push came to shove you have no laws to uphold any rights. You can't claim them as dependents for tax purposes even though you support more than 50%, and still have paid(when the law allows) to provide insurance. I could go on because I feel as if I am rambling trying to get my point across. I guess my point is I am thank for you on more days than this one." __________________ “Sometimes we make the right decision; sometimes we make the decision right.” “Every conflict is a lesson in self-discovery for both of us. Sometimes it's only hindsight that makes it worth it. For you, I would do it all again.“

07-11-2011, 09:58 PM	#2
jelli Member How Do You Identify?: Femmilicious Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: And you said I wasn’t your type!!! Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: SC Posts: 836 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,758 Thanked 1,079 Times in 377 Posts Rep Power: 16588549	Just a few tips... Things we have learned over the years: ~You're either going to California or you're not. All in or all out. ~Changes and compromise are going to take place. ~ You have to give to get and even sometimes then you get the short end of the stick. Just make sure you're intention is coming from the right spot so you don't build up a lot of resentment. ~When it comes to older kids/teens - leave the discipline up to the biological parent. ~Mistakes are going to happen and here again is where hopefully you will learn and choose to make changes or compromise for the betterment of the family unit. ~Practice forgiveness. ~Don't forget to be an individual. ~Don't forget to be a couple. __________________ “Sometimes we make the right decision; sometimes we make the decision right.” “Every conflict is a lesson in self-discovery for both of us. Sometimes it's only hindsight that makes it worth it. For you, I would do it all again.“

07-11-2011, 10:59 PM	#3
Bard Family Man How Do You Identify?: TG Male Preferred Pronoun?: Masculine ones Relationship Status: She just gets me Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ..... Posts: 2,828 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,997 Thanked 12,786 Times in 2,431 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	Ok this is a Hard topic for me but sharing is healing.. My Bio Mother and my Dad split when I was 3 and my mom remarried to a man named Spike he brought two boys with him older then I and I just became in the way more so then normal Spike was just mean I had always wondered why my dad had stopped getting me and when I was older I found out. there was a day when my dad brought me home and I had a melt down I wanted my Daddy and Spike backhanded me across the room and my Dad almost drew his service weapon. After my mother had died I was reunited with my Dad and his wife and neither was prepared to deal with the issues I had as a result of my mothers death and abuse I had suffered in my dad's absence. now Sandy did not want kids and it showed one time for a infraction her method of punishing me was to take a horse whip to me. Also while she taught me to ride and show horses I was never good enough EVER and if I failed to meet her standards I was belittled or worse. in the end I was shipped to a grandparents then to a foster home.. on a good note my dad divorced Sandy and met a wonderful woman who became my step-mom she healed my dad and with out realizing it our family Jen has been more of a mother to me then I had ever known but she never pushed it She listens to me and let me come to her BUT by the time she came into my life I was 17 and most of our relationship has been with me as a adult but I see Jenn with my daughter and I know I wish I would have let her in sooner. OK now my daughter who is the product of a broken home now as her mother and I have split. and now Desd is in the position of being a step-mom and that title was giver to her by Abby with out any encouragement it is just how Abby sees her Abby knows no one can or will replace mer mother or I but she is gaining more family and she loves it the rest we will take as it comes with communication I don't expect dead to have to discipline Abby but if it needs to be done and I am not there well I trust Desd As always we will talk it all out and love each other I have seen examples of how and WHAT I don't want to be or ever expose Abby to so I won't Sorry I have been long here unfortunately there is much more to my story I glossed over parts btu again it showed me how I will never be to my child or should Desd and I be blessed children __________________ This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill Fifteen percent concentrated power of will Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain And a hundred percent reason to remember the name! Give yourself over to absolute pleasure. Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh - erotic nightmares beyond any measure, and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can't you just see it? Don't dream it, be it.

07-12-2011, 07:42 AM	#5
justkim Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Me... Preferred Pronoun?: ... Relationship Status: <3 myself Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: ... Posts: 2,023 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,062 Thanked 6,799 Times in 1,553 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	What a great thread! __________________ Kim "A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success." - Unknown -

07-12-2011, 08:47 AM	#6
theoddz Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Cranky Old Poop Preferred Pronoun?: Mr. Beast Relationship Status: Married to a beautiful babe whom I don't deserve. Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Texas Posts: 3,545 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 11,163 Thanked 9,940 Times in 2,517 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	My parents divorced when I was 13 and my mother has never dated or remarried. I asked her why once, and she told me that she was "too busy raising children, going back to school (at age 40+) and working". I always remember Mother working and teaching adult ed night school. She was constantly busy and yet always made time to be a pretty good, loving and supportive parent. In that way, I can honestly say that I never missed having a stepfather or anything like that. Mother was "the package deal" and she was good at it!! My parents, though divorced, did a wonderful job co-parenting my sister and me and even with the bitterness they held towards each other, never let that leak through to their love and responsibilities to my sister and myself. My dad, on the other hand, has dated several different women over the years and has had some pretty good luck with finding good ones!! He has never officially remarried, but the woman I call my "Stepmom" has been by his side and lived with him for nearly 20 years now, so if that doesn't constitute being his "wife" and our "stepmom", I don't know what does. She's very much a part of our family and she has been there 150% for both my sister and myself when Mother wasn't or couldn't be. Betty is a gem of a Lady (I have some pics of her in my gallery)!!! I can't say enough about how kind, loving, supportive and dear she is. Of course, by the time she and Pop got together, my sister and I were grown adults, so Betty has never had to fill the role of "parental unit" to us in a parent/child relationship. Before Pop, she'd been married 3 times and never had any children of her own. I just know that, when certain situations have arisen that have been "touchy" and maybe have inched over that line into a sort of parent/child dynamic with Mother and Pop, Betty steps back and doesn't "interfere", as she calls it. Now, if there's something that comes up with Pop, or if my sister or I have trouble reasoning with him, or bringing something up that's difficult, Betty will very gently "run interference", and have both appreciated her for that. She has never...ever, ever, ever said or even indicated any sort of hostility, anger, jealousy or animosity, or made any sort of foul comments about or towards my mother. In fact, my mother and Betty are friends, and when Mother comes to Las Vegas for a visit, she and Betty always manage to have lunch together, exchange little gifts back and forth, they send each other birthday and Christmas cards, etc. It's really a nice relationship that we all enjoy as a family unit. Betty is a true Lady and I've always called her a total "Class Act". I love her like a second mother and I'm very very happy that Pop has such a good woman by his side....and she makes him happy. She's a classic Lady of The Greatest Generation. Recently, Betty has been battling throat cancer. She was diagnosed last fall when a nodule appeared on her neck and it was found to be malignant. This shook our family to its core and we've all rallied behind her. I can't imagine Betty not being a part of our family and we've all stood with her, as her family, to take care of her and get her through this ordeal. She's 87 now and her health is fragile, and I think that the fact that she's had to undergo something like this has brought it to all of our attention just how much we love and adore this good Lady. Incidentally, Betty has completed her course of radiation and chemotherapy and has been deemed officially cancer free!!! She's still weak and tires easily and is still having to use the PEG (stomach) tube for most of her nutrition as her throat heals from the effects of the radiation, but she's on the upswing now and that's what counts!! Pop stands steadfastly beside her, doing her tube feedings for her every 2 hours during the day and scheduling his life around her schedule. He's so devoted, patient and loving with her, and couldn't be any more so, had she been his "legal" wife. So, yes, I've got a stepmother in my life and she's a wonderful person and Lady. I couldn't be luckier.....or more thankful to G-d for having this lovely stepmom in my life. *~Theo~* __________________ *"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."* -- J. R. R. Tolkien

07-12-2011, 09:27 AM	#7
Medusa Mentally Delicious How Do You Identify?: Queer High Femme, thank you very much Preferred Pronoun?: Mme. Relationship Status: Married to JD. Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Atlanta Posts: 10,446 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 5,995 Thanked 42,683 Times in 7,831 Posts Rep Power: 10000026	Blended! I have had a step-mother and 4 step-fathers. One of my step-fathers is still in my life. Here's why: * When my Mom married him, I was 4. He got in the floor and played Barbies with me and took me to museums. He showed an interest in me having a good childhood. Even as a child, I could feel that. He cared! * When he disciplined me, it was firm and fair. I rarely screwed up with him because I loved him so much and respected what he asked of me. He never spanked me, hit me, or called me names. * He refused to argue with my Mom in front of me. That made me feel safe. * He hugged! A lot! And it wasn't creepy! * Even after they divorced, he made an effort to be in my life. He is my Brother's Dad so when he would come pick my Brother up for visitation, he would ask my Mom if he could take me too so that "the kids can be together". She never allowed it but he did try. He also sent gifts to me at Christmas. When I was old enough to drive, I would go to see him about once a month and he was always overjoyed to see me. I think it takes a lot of courage and patience to co-parent a child who isn't yours and applaud those who are doing it (and doing it WELL!) __________________ . . . Buy ButchFemmePlanet Merch Here: https://teespring.com/stores/butchfemmeplanetcom-merch