StepMonsters and other scary second parenting issues

[bright_arrow]

In a little less than a year, I will be entering the role as a stepmother, of sorts, I think

As it is now, I leave any disciplining to my partner. I don't feel it is my place at ALL, to discipline or even have a firm word. I am more of a de-stresser.. when things are tense, the kiddo is full of energy, and my partner is tired and just wants some breathing time, I take over. I find something that will turn Abby's attention to me, whether it be Sims or watching National Geographic or showing her how to make roses out of play-dough.

I grew up with both of my biological parents, so I don't have any experience with being a step- anything. I admit, this worries me. I don't know how to be a parent, especially when we only have her daughter twice a month for only a weekend.. We tend to let the little things slide, because we want our weekend together to be a good time.

So, I don't know I'll keep reading though - thank you for this thread!

[Puplove]

I can post in this thread now -- after a few years of pain, things have come full, happy circle!
I raised my daughter from 4 years old on. Legally adopted her when she was 8. Her mother and I were in a long, sad co-dependent relationship for 14 years. I was stuck in the caretaker role, always working for the "if only she knew how much I loved her...."

My ex was repeating the cycle of her mother and generations before her (where children take care of their addict mothers and live for them). but had to work MUCH harder at destroying things since I was in her life and kept staying.

I was always blocked from true parenting with the "you aren't her mother, you don't understand her" gig. But, I maintained the "sane, no-strings, consistent rules, love without condition and always be the one who believes in the child" stance my parents taught me. They gave love unconditionally and never made me feel I owed or had to take care of them; they were also great role models as foster parents for the most unlovable, difficult and unwanted children in the state system, and staunchly kept the "they have to have someone who will brag on them and love them for who they are" rule.

When my ex finally committed egregious enough offenses to force me to break the co-dependent relationship (actually a gift to me in retrospect), my daughter at 18 kicked me out of her life, saying "you aren't really my mom." I understood then that she HAD to take care of her mother, I was the bad guy for refusing to continue. I always hoped she'd come back, and always left the door open but did not push it or expect to see her again. It was a very painful, but secret loss.

Joy of joys -- she contacted me a few weeks ago. Asked if we could have a relationship again. She missed having a stable parent. So, my past presence made enough difference in her life that she could break the cycle finally and say "this isn't the way it should be."

From our first get-together a couple weeks ago, I started by saying "I completely understand, you don't need to explain anything. Let's pick up from here and celebrate." She did tell me how angry she was at me a few years ago because I wasn't stopping her mother from destroying her life -- for once, I wasn't stepping in and making everything right. She felt I destroyed her world -- she had to take care of her mother because I wouldn't. Luckily, she also knew from my years of influence that it wasn't right; after a couple years she broke free, moved into her own place, started therapy and then reached out to me.

Now, we can focus purely on enjoying our relationship. I'm still her mother. But, she is not a child or dependent, I am not responsible for her. And she's not responsible for me (what freedom for her!). It is wonderful to have an adult child who still wants advice but is responsible for herself. We don't need to feed each other. We can appreciate and love each other.

For years, I was the evil parent because I didn't play the guilt and co-dependent game with her, no matter how unhealthy I allowed my relationship with her mother to be. And, now I am rewarded.

Happy day! To me, I'm not a Stepmonster, I'm a lucky parent who gets to enjoy a person I had a role in shaping, who I can feel proud of, after all the rocks and woes and struggles with walking into a non-bio parent role. Hearing "you aren't her mother, you don't really know her" hurts. It hurts more to hear it from the child. But, in the long run, stable, unconditional love proves that "real" doesn't have to mean "biological."

[jelli]

Originally Posted by desdansmoncoeur

I don't know how to be a parent, especially when we only have her daughter twice a month for only a weekend.. We tend to let the little things slide, because we want our weekend together to be a good time.

It is definitely a game of choose your battle. A lot of things T & I find ourselves asking "in the grand scheme of things how important is this current situation?". We look at what is going on, how serious is it, who is being affected, what we can learn from this, or perhaps if it is just better to leave it alone. With the facts that we know to be true at the time(and yes there will be tons of times you may not have all or even half the facts you need) we make the best decisions possible.

A motto that I have come to stand by: "Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right." It's so important for everyone to see where they have been ineffective and/or wrong, take responsibility for that, and if need be make amends. Sometimes we learn from the kids too.

Some "wknd" parents will want their time together to be so much fun and will go above and beyond. It's important to find that balance. Don't strive to be the "good or fun" parent. Be the best possible parent you can be while raising a younger person to be the best person they can be.

Parenting really is the only job I know that gives you as much pleasure as it can heartache. I wish you tons of luck!!!!