Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

[LaneyDoll]

OK, I am intentionally NOT reading other replies so I may repeat a thought or two...

I have three kids so I fully understand that the budget can get tight and I have no problems with that. Yes, I would love to be swept off my feet, taken to a wonderfully expensive meal etc etc etc. But, life does not always allow for such indulgences.

So, assuming we have a minimal or non-existent budget, let's try something a little more realistic.

* My local art museum accepts donations in lieu of charging admittance and parking is free for museum guests. Personally, I love to go here for a date, I like to see what (if any) art moves someone.

* The local botanical gardens are free and parking is free. They have a variety of gardens from the "Southern Home" garden to the rose garden to the Japanese gardens etc. Lots of pretty and unique things to see, easy to walk with swings and benches and fountains scattered throughout.

* State parks. Usually a small charge to get in but lots of places to walk, spread a blanket and relax, talk and get to know/rediscover each other. And, if you have a Frisbee or soccer ball etc, you can bring it with you.

* Cook for me!!! I am not the greatest cook ever and I love it when someone cooks for me. I am even happy to grocery shop (just provide me a list) and clean up.

* If we go out to eat, please tell me what you are thinking of ordering-I am going to use your order to determine what to get. If you order a $15 pasta dish, I am not going to order $40 in surf & turf. I know, it is weird, but I prefer to stay within the same price range. I don't care who orders first though. But treat the wait staff well! If you treat them badly, this may well be your last date with me.

* Watch a movie with me. I have hundreds of DVDs and I love to curl up with a movie. It is even better when you can make out during part or all of the film.

* Sit on the porch at night with me and talk to me. Point out the brightest stars, tell me stories about when you were little and just enjoy the evening.

* Give me a back rub, a foot rub etc. I am a very tactile person and love a massage. Even better, tell me that my hair is pretty and ask if you can brush it. I will let you brush my hair until your arm falls off-lol.

* Pay attention to me. Ask me questions, SHOW INTEREST in me, and just talk to me. The best thing you can give someone is your attention. Be in the moment. Put the cell phone down, stop texting. I hate it when someone is always texting and they are supposed to be with me. If you are with me then BE WITH ME, not your cell. (Allowances made for texts from kids etc). I want to feel like your priority, not your option.

* Treat me like your grandmother. No really! Open the door, pull out my chair (if you are comfortable doing so), don't make every other word the "four letter" variety. Present yourself cleanly, make sure your car or home is neat (cleaning does not cost anything), use your manners.

* Smell good! In addition to being very tactile, I am also scent driven. Clean is yummy. Sweat on clean is sexy. Sweat on BO-not so much.

* If you want to charm me, then make me feel like a lady. Charm will take you further than flash.

Hope this helps, even a little bit

[LaneyDoll]

Ok, now I am going back to read what everyone else said

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by LaneyDoll

But treat the wait staff well! If you treat them badly, this may well be your last date with me.

Oh god, exactly!

This one time I went out on a date with a guy because he was postering for the communist party and I struck up a conversation with him about politics (true fact - I will talk to anybody, and I thought "oh neat, a communist. I should talk to him!"). Anyway, the place we went was Sneaky Dee's, which at that time was my favourite place to go (his suggestion). He was SUCH AN INCREDIBLE DOUCHEBAG to the servers, and I was mortified because it was a place that I hung out often enough that I knew most of the people who worked there would recognise me. He actually put his hand in the air and SNAPPED at one juncture and I just about crawled over the table to murder him. (Don't get me started on the hypocrisy of pretending to be a champion of the working person and then treating people who work in the service industry like shit.) I spent a solid month ignoring his phonecalls after that until he gave up.

I also hate when people constantly send their food back. I mean if there is something genuinely wrong (like, if it's cold) that's one thing - but if it's EVERY single time we go out to eat and over stupid reasons then we're going to have an issue. Plus I feel like I can't eat my food until the other person's food is back and I hate when something comes between me and my food.

I'm really weird (maybe not so weird?) about how people behave when they are with me, even friends. If you are obnoxious or have a huge sense of entitlement I'm not going to want to hang out with you. If you make a nuisance of yourself and are demanding of the employees at whatever place we happen to be at (or are unfriendly to them in any way) I will feel humiliated and not want to spend time with you any more.

[Martina]

My only rule is don't bore me. Quiet is fine. Simple is fine. But don't actively bore me.

i can't tell you the number of times i've been picked up and then the butch (or femme) got gas, went to an ATM to get cash, didn't know the directions to where we were going, etc. Don't waste my time. Do all that before you pick me up, for god's sake.

i went out on one date, and the butch stopped by at a business to pick out some furniture for a house she owned that she was staging. Took like an hour. i used to buy furniture for a living. It was NOT interesting. Maybe some people would have loved it. This one also talked about her ex and indicated the ex thought she was perhaps on the stalky side. No second date for her.

[Soft*Silver]

Opening of doors and etc are givens. Those must be done. I am an old school femme, that never changes.

At this stage of the game, I am unwilling to pay for dinner. I have paid my dues, thank you.If you cant pay for dinner, you cant afford me. I dont mean you need money but you need to be successful enough in life to hold your own. I am not taking care of, financially nor emotionally, another human being. And if you cant pay for dinner, thats a clear sign for me that one of the two of the forementioned might be a likelihood.

Be sober. I dont care if you have a drink with dinner but by god, dont be a lush. Its SO over, the excuses of why you arent too drunk. At my age, if you are drunk at dinner, you are simply just an old drunk and I wont bother with you...

Dress nice. Dont show up with stains or wrinkles or odd smells. I dont care what your excuse is. I count more than those excuses. BTW...horse smells arent odd smells...

Pay attention to me. Be present. Dont go wonder off into lala land and all your worries. Nor let me catch your eye on some other girl. Have some conversation starters and know how to listen as well as talk. And talk. the strong silent ones are so not cool anymore. If you cant talk to me, its not a good date.

Be civil..I love what the other gals said about being nice to the wait staff. was having dinner with a coworker one day and was totally appalled by her behavior toward them. I never hung out with her again. and that was just a coworker...

Know what you are getting into, before the date. I am not the girl i use to be. Dont expect me to be submissive and dainty. I am also not "down and dirty". I am ladylike and sweet, funny and flirty, but very strong and independent. I am not needy and in trouble. I am also not trouble. Dont come at me like a knight in shining armour...lol on my word pun. I am with you for dinner, not for rescue...

have clean breath

be yourself. I am out with you because something about YOU tickled my fancy. Dont put on airs or try to impress me by changing ...be true to who you are...that makes the best date!

Show up with a gift. A single red rose. A cd for us to listen to that I get to take home and keep. A little horse to add to my collection (you would know I collect palomino knick knacks)

Take photos during the date and post them on your facebook so that the world would know we went out. Show me you are happy to be with me...proud of it.

Dont assume sex. it wont happen. Not at the age I am at..the age of self preservation. I cant provide intimacy just because we like each other. I need far more than that. I think dating has lost its definition.It was originally meant as a process to find the "one". And its ok that we dont need to hang on for "one" anymore. But I do think we threw the baby out with the bath water and jumped into bed too soon too often..speaking for myself...the "we" meaning myself, past and up to the present. I have been dating and havent had sex on a date in forever. I tell people it will take at least a year. LOL> you should see their expressions. Some view it as a challenge. They fall to the wayside when they cant pace themselves. Sex happens....but not too fast...too soon...

oh...dont even kid about ordering horse meat. I will punch you.

[amiyesiam]

Originally Posted by Nina

Gayla got 8 postcards from the area...put a note and a stamp on each one and sent them all the way across country to C. and A. in Pa...they are also doing the postcard exchange and agreed to mail them out using my PO address, which Gayla does not have...it was really really really a sweet surprise...

that's one thing that I, as the Nina-Femme, appreciated as a date...

Oh this was so much fun
you will never know how happy I was
knowing that you were gonna get a surprise
I am such a geek
and
you took forever to get to the post office


so dating
I don't date
Corkey won't let me
Not sure why that is (snort)
anyway
being the odd duck that I am
while I LOVE surprising other people (those that actually love to be surprised)
I personally don't care to be surprised (ever)
I love knowing exactly what I am getting for B-day etc weeks ahead of time and joyfully waiting till I get it.
I prefer (read want/need) to be involved in the planning of my life
so back in the day (before marriage)
I liked to plan dates together
split the costs or take turns
being polite etc is a given
treating others well is a given
but then so is living within one's means
being able to be yourself and being able to relax
I really want to be comfortable, feel excepted, etc and want the other person to feel that way too.
cause ya know at some point if things work out you may end up living together
personally I don't want to live together and be all formal
home is the place you get to relax and escape from the world
if you are a beer drinking, sports watching in your boxers kind of butch well then you better let that special femme know that side of you exists. Though I would not recommend wearing just boxers on the first date
It is nice if you also clean up well and do know how to behave in public.
Be honest, be honest, be honest
no one is perfect
and we all have our querks

[Julie]

This is one of the areas I am a hard ass.
I am speaking first dates.
DO NOT take me to an expensive restaurant.
If you are picking me up, which is unlikely on a first date... Do not honk the horn.
Do not EVER buy me a gift - not even on the 2nd or 3rd date.
Do not bring me flowers or try to woo me on the first date.
If you do not put a napkin on your lap, we will never date again.

For a first date, at least for me. It must be casual and well meaning. If you try and impress me, I will close right up and get lost in my thoughts. If you tell me you want to be a parent/grandparent (without having kids) on the first date - I will think you want instant family.

Look at me in the eyes when you speak.
Be respectful of the wait staff.

Do not try and buy my kids or me.
Neither of us are for sale.

Just be yourself, as you would with any other friend. And I will be the same with you.
And please when we say goodnight and I kiss you (I will let you know if it's okay). Don't shove your tongue down my throat and pin up against a wall. Unless, it is only sex you want and not a second date - of which, you will get neither.

GOD - It's amazing I ever got to a second date.

And please, never ever ever buy me a gift card. I think this is one of the most impersonal gifts known to all. Unless, we are already a couple and you know I won't go and buy such and such. I adore flowers, but really prefer wild ones, with weeds mixed in the bunch. Pick me up rocks from the ground and give them to me - Rocks could actually be given on a first date. I think it's romantic and something tangible and memorable.

Next! (actually next is a common word for me, when dating).

[imperfect_cupcake]

lol the napkin thing reminded me of my first date with a long term partner:

I had met her at a munch and her ballsy attitude and forthrightness really impressed me - she asked me out for a meal directly after the (cake and tea) munch was over. I said sure. we went to an italian place near by because we didn't want to spend too much time looking for a place. It was soho and most places are a bit expensive and a bit up their own arse. When the meal came and we were talking, she flicked out her napkin and tucked the end in her Ben Sherman shirt very carefully and started eating. People at the restaurant openly stared at her. She continued eating and chatting (not at the same time, she's actually a very careful eater) and I was so impressed by her not giving a sh*t about the diners I knew we'd be dating again right there. She left a good tip for the wait staff and thanked them for the excellent food and good service.

She was a keeper for a good 2.5 years. but that napkin in the neck, the way she pulled that off with casual pride, impressed me to no end. To me that says "take me for who the fuck I am." and I really liked that.

[Dominique]

I don't do the blind date thing.

I have to have been in your company and at least know you *some* before it ever gets to the date point.

In the mean time, I'm running down my check list. Do you know how to have fun? It can be the littlest of things....will I see you playing toss with the dog? Maybe the furball prefers a frisbee? I'm very outdoorsy. Will you walk in the woods on a hike? Do you own a bicycle that you ride? Does everything you do involve a cooler of beer? What does your vehical look like? I don't care if it's an older model...but as many have stated, I do care if it's loaded down with drive thru bags. Have you washed the vehical recently? Things have gone on in the economy that have affected people
in some very painful ways. I have a friend who had to let her car go and another friend at age 49, who had to move in with her parents. How are you handling these types of life changing events, IF something to this effect has happened to you.....because as we all know, life goes on. That will speak volumes to me about your character. I'm not about money nor am I about material...they are just things. I am about character and intergrity. So show me your true colors, you'll see mine. I am what I am.
Nothing pretentious about me. Oh, one final thing....please do not try to impress me. Actions speak louder than words. If I am comfortable in your company, we may get to the *date*

[Corkey]

Originally Posted by amiyesiam

Oh this was so much fun
you will never know how happy I was
knowing that you were gonna get a surprise
I am such a geek
and
you took forever to get to the post office


so dating
I don't date
Corkey won't let me
Not sure why that is (snort)
anyway
being the odd duck that I am
while I LOVE surprising other people (those that actually love to be surprised)
I personally don't care to be surprised (ever)
I love knowing exactly what I am getting for B-day etc weeks ahead of time and joyfully waiting till I get it.
I prefer (read want/need) to be involved in the planning of my life
so back in the day (before marriage)
I liked to plan dates together
split the costs or take turns
being polite etc is a given
treating others well is a given
but then so is living within one's means
being able to be yourself and being able to relax
I really want to be comfortable, feel excepted, etc and want the other person to feel that way too.
cause ya know at some point if things work out you may end up living together
personally I don't want to live together and be all formal
home is the place you get to relax and escape from the world
if you are a beer drinking, sports watching in your boxers kind of butch well then you better let that special femme know that side of you exists. Though I would not recommend wearing just boxers on the first date
It is nice if you also clean up well and do know how to behave in public.
Be honest, be honest, be honest
no one is perfect
and we all have our querks

I would....

[amiyesiam]

Originally Posted by Corkey

I would....

oh ok
you win
on our next first date
you can just wear boxers
of course
we will be ordering in

[Miss Scarlett]

i'm an OFOS femme - i love having doors opened for me, being helped with my coat, etc. Good manners are just so attractive...and, sadly, are becoming rare.

As for the date itself, don't rush things. Take the time to get to know each other. The very best dates are the ones where you lose track of time because you are completely lost in laughter and conversation...

[IrishGrrl]

The same way I'd like to be treated for the rest of the relationship!

Appreciated, seen, honored, worshiped.

[Starbuck]

I am a simple femme; I am neither comfortable with fancy restaurants or the stuffy clothes you wear to fancy restaurants. On the other hand, I do like for us to get dressed up once in a while, say for a special occasion like my love's b-day.

Since I consider myself a simple femme, just spending time together is fine for me. We don't have to 'do' anything, we can just 'be'. Does that make sense?

Put away the cell phone! Don't play the games on your phone or get on Twitter or Facebook while on a date with me.

I really enjoy eye contact while we are talking, it lets me know you are listening to me. I also enjoy sitting outside in the evening, using that time to get to know each other is priceless.

As I've seen in other posts I agree completely that good oral hygiene is a must!

[imperfect_cupcake]

as for who pays? the asker. If I ask you out, I pay. You ask me out, you pay. Asker picks restaurant and informs when asking. good idea to have a plan B in case someone has food sensitivities.

I *have* been caught out by this before by thinking this was fairly common - it's not in London! I was butt broke and this very suave suited and booted butch solicitor (UK for Lawyer) asked me out for a light dinner on the south bank of the thames, outside table, bit of dimsum. Ok, I thought, that's nice, sure. I take £10 with me, just in case, and head off.

I arrive and it's way more expensive than I thought but that's ok, she's picked it, she asked me, I'll just go light and let her order mostly. As we are talking before the waiter comes I start to get this feeling she's more southern english butch than northern or the kind of butch in North america.... that means everything I might assume goes out the window. This also means she hasn't dated much. they don't really "date" here... that would mean she doesn't know date manners/rituals of the kind I'm used to. ergo, I'm going to have to have a glass of water and a salad with my £10 in this very expensive place.

So I don't order any wine, I turn down, politely, her offer to buy a bottle. I then order an appetiser as my meal. She orders several buckets of dim sum. Offers me some. I say no thanks, I'm not very hungry. oh go on have a few and places four on my plate. I don't touch them till close to the end of the meal.

after a rather awkward date where I realise that although I've met with her casually a couple times at events, this is a no goer. different lifestyle. she doesn't pay attention well either. talks about herself a bit too much in a very boring way and takes herself way too seriously. generalises too much.

when the bill arrives she looks at it and says "split this down the middle, shall we?" with a big happy non-observant grin.
"actually, if you don't mind, I'm just going to pay for mine. I've only got a tenner on me." which came out a bit frosty. I think she was a bit bruised by that. Her tone changed and she sounded a bit hurt.

I rushed away with a lot of relief.

serves me right for making assumptions about people and dating and I should have stated right at the beginning about my budget.

Inki did try to pay for me as often as possible, bless her, and we always have a small wrestle over the bags. I've learned to just let her carry them and say thank you. she means only to be of use and I appreciate it when she takes the awkward bags when we cycle home from shopping. She find me chairs when my feet hurt when we are out, she always gives me the seat on the train. But to assume she will do this for all femmes is a mistake, she'll promptly tell a femme to fuck off at an event if she wants a chair that inki has, simply because she's girly and inki's a butch and therefore has chair rights. She doesn't do the gender divide. she does it because it's me. not because I'm a femme. That feels special.