Al-anon, Nar-anon: when someone you love is practicing addiction.

[sylvie]

i really feel for you, and my heart goes out to both you & Jess..
Difficult situation, and one i can relate with in some ways..

my father, is an alcoholic and has been for 45 years, so something i've known my entire life.. he has never been what you call a violent addict, but definitely a self destructive one - taking us all down with him our entire lives, and continues to if we let him..

i have just recently let go & walk away - and it's the hardest thing i've ever had to do - i have tried everything i could think possible these last 3 years in ways to help him, encourage him to get help, ANYthing... his health is deteriorating and fast. i've always been very passive of his drinking over the years, it's all i've ever known and i learned at a very young age that i had to take care of him, because he couldn't take care of me.

for the last few years, i knew i've been an enabler all these years, but knew i had to stop, this just wasn't healthy - but i felt an extreme guilt to let go because i would think what if something terrible happened to him, and i wasnt there to make sure he was okay - it took some therapy sessions to help shake me free from that stinkin' thinkin' of mine..

He has no desire to help himself, i took over his next of kin, set him up with help, to intervene and have someone visit him during one of his many hospital stays to get through withdrawal symptoms - he refuses everything.. It took a lot for me to swallow the fact that there is really nothing i can do, except stop enabling him - move forward and take care of me now.. i have a lot of issues myself from growing up - and an eating disorder and addiction of my own to food, for which i made the decision to step up and get help.

It's difficult when they don't want to get help for themselves - and to sit by and watch it happen.. i wish i could suggest something that would help - i can also relate to other people not being on board with you about help for your daughter, it's the same with my father.. Though i've stopped enabling, they all still enable him, and right now he really needs some tough love or to hit rock bottom.. My stepmother continues to stand by him, buy him alcohol even - she's the only one who works, he hasnt worked since i was a little girl.. She lets him have credit cards which he maxes out, he steals (not from me anymore but..he'll do everything in his power to get that alcohol when he wants it).. so its frustrating for me to sit by now and watch what everyone does for him, while he is digging his own grave... i'm now angry, frustrated, stressed and worried about his health, but i refuse to let it run my life anymore.. i'm still working on the guilt, that damn guilt..

i'm his only child, i have 2 of his grandchildren, and i love my father..
i don't want anything bad to happen to him, and i definitely do not want to lose him.. he's only 61 years old, and has more life ahead if he wanted it.
i know none of this has been helpful, only to say that i understand..
i've had to walk away, it's all i could do - and wish and hope with all my might that one day, he'll want to change..
and i am wishing the same for you too, sincerely am!
if ever you need an ear, i'm around - sending positive thoughts your way in the meantime

[atomiczombie]

My daughter Jess is now homeless. I am struggling to find help for her, but she won't accept it or admit that she has a problem with her drug and alcohol use. Her grandmother finally kicked her out after Jess stole her grandma's car for a night. There have been a lot of things leading up to this but that was the final straw. Now Jess is mad at me for telling her she can only stay with us if she goes to a meeting (youth narcotics anonymous) once a day. I can't support her if she isn't willing to address her drug and alcohol abuse. Everything about this situation sucks.

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive.

[Dominique]

Nice to here from you again. I hate that you didn't get the outcome you expected. What are you going to do for you? (You will need help too) I'd suggest you start watching intervention (if you don't already) it's available for free on HULU on the internet if you don't have it on cable. You will need to be smarter than the user. UUgh, I hate sounding like Dora downer, but it often gets worse, before it gets better. Be strong Atomiczombie.

[Toughy]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

My daughter Jess is now homeless. I am struggling to find help for her, but she won't accept it or admit that she has a problem with her drug and alcohol use. Her grandmother finally kicked her out after Jess stole her grandma's car for a night. There have been a lot of things leading up to this but that was the final straw. Now Jess is mad at me for telling her she can only stay with us if she goes to a meeting (youth narcotics anonymous) once a day. I can't support her if she isn't willing to address her drug and alcohol abuse. Everything about this situation sucks.

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive.

I would remind you that there are other recovery programs besides 12-Step faith-based programs. LifeRing Secular Recovery (www.lifering.org) and SMART Recovery (www.smartrecovery.org) are two of the better known secular groups. There is also a secular group called Women for Sobriety (www.womenforsobriety.org) that is the first and perhaps only program that is specifically about the needs of women.

Check them out.......12 Step is not always a good fit for some folks. She can certainly go to any one or all of these different program meetings. The more tools in the toolbox, the better chance of recovery.

Hang in there........you are doing fine.

(edoted to add: (personally I extremely dislike all, yes all, of the reality tv programs that are focused people with addiction issues....it's reality tv and scripted and edited so who knows what actually happens)

[jelli]

Originally Posted by Toughy

I would remind you that there are other recovery programs besides 12-Step faith-based programs. LifeRing Secular Recovery (www.lifering.org) and SMART Recovery (www.smartrecovery.org) are two of the better known secular groups. There is also a secular group called Women for Sobriety (www.womenforsobriety.org) that is the first and perhaps only program that is specifically about the needs of women.

Check them out.......12 Step is not always a good fit for some folks. She can certainly go to any one or all of these different program meetings. The more tools in the toolbox, the better chance of recovery.

Hang in there........you are doing fine.

(edoted to add: (personally I extremely dislike all, yes all, of the reality tv programs that are focused people with addiction issues....it's reality tv and scripted and edited so who knows what actually happens)

Great info Toughenough.

I do feel some of those shows are not depicting some accuracies, however they do show some boundaries or guidelines on how to some enabling an addict.

[atomiczombie]

Well I do know a bit about addiction since I have been in recovery since age 15. My own addiction gives me a good idea of what she is going though, although I went through it at a younger age than Jess. Thanks for the info Toughy, I will check those other programs out.

I ended up taking Jess to her mother's place. It's not the best place, as her mom (my ex-wife) is a verbal abuser. However, Jessica is mad at me for telling her she has a drug and alcohol problem and says I betrayed her by telling her she needs to go to a meeting if she is going to stay with us. But if I didn't do that, and just let her stay with us, I would be an enabler and I would cushion her from the consequences of the choices she made that caused her grandmother to throw her out. Now Jess says I am not her family and she will never talk to me again.

[jelli]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Well I do know a bit about addiction since I have been in recovery since age 15. My own addiction gives me a good idea of what she is going though, although I went through it at a younger age than Jess. Thanks for the info Toughy, I will check those other programs out.

I ended up taking Jess to her mother's place. It's not the best place, as her mom (my ex-wife) is a verbal abuser. However, Jessica is mad at me for telling her she has a drug and alcohol problem and says I betrayed her by telling her she needs to go to a meeting if she is going to stay with us. But if I didn't do that, and just let her stay with us, I would be an enabler and I would cushion her from the consequences of the choices she made that caused her grandmother to throw her out. Now Jess says I am not her family and she will never talk to me again.

Knowing a bit about addiction you realize you or anyone else is trying to rationalize with someone that's using. You're talking to the drugs - not Jess being 100% herself.

[atomiczombie]

Originally Posted by jelli

Knowing a bit about addiction you realize you or anyone else is trying to rationalize with someone that's using. You're talking to the drugs - not Jess being 100% herself.

Oh, I know. And I can't make her want to get help. She has to want it. She just hasn't hit bottom yet.

[undone]

atomiczombie, she's running out of options and they will get worse for her before she's willing to do the work and accept the help she'll need,

but good for her grandmother!!! i think if some one wants to pretend there is no issue that they cause then treat them as such make them just as accountable if not even more so, no leeway and you know if she was living in a place she liked then it would just take her that much longer in a place wherr she's not so comfy and happy she may be more willing to get out.

[atomiczombie]

My kid kicked me off her facebook list and won"t return my calls or text messages. She has shut me out completely. I don't know what is happening with her, or if she is even safe. I am SO stressed out and worried and scared for her. I am carrying it all in my neck, and it is so stiff and sore, it hurts to turn my head even slightly. OUCH.

[jelli]

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

My daughter Jess is now homeless. I am struggling to find help for her, but she won't accept it or admit that she has a problem with her drug and alcohol use. Her grandmother finally kicked her out after Jess stole her grandma's car for a night. There have been a lot of things leading up to this but that was the final straw. Now Jess is mad at me for telling her she can only stay with us if she goes to a meeting (youth narcotics anonymous) once a day. I can't support her if she isn't willing to address her drug and alcohol abuse. Everything about this situation sucks.

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive.

I come to you from a place where I have dealt with alcoholic/addicts in my own life.

This is where the 3 C's come into play. This embodies the concept of powerlessness.

"I didn't CAUSE it" ( "relieves you of any lingering guilt you may feel" )

"I can't control it" ( "gives you permission to live your life and to take care of yourself" )

"I can't cure it' ( "reminds you that you don't have to repeat your insane behavior(s) over and over again, hoping for different results, you don't have to keep giving one last exhausting effort hoping this time it will all work out

ME ~ One can not focus all their energy on another - thinking you can change or even help them. Find the balance as best as you can and leave the rest until they're ready.

My heart goes out to you and yours.