Being perceived as ditzy, flaky or shallow for being femme

[Soft*Silver]

and so you have discovered why marilyn monroe indulged in numbing drugs...her beauty came at a cost...no one would take her seriously as an actress and everyone wanted her for her looks but found no value in her substance. She was forced to play out the part of the dumb but beautiful blonde until she became the archetype of said godzilla. She loathed it as well as herself for the very thing that made her an american icon...

my daughter is beautiful and blonde. I raised her strong and yet I find she plays the dumb blonde a few too many times...she believes it now. I hope this is a passing phase. She is 27. It only started recently....

femmes, are held under the wings of beauty and we are expected to play out the soft submissive role...also, a less intelligent role. I speak in vague generalities because I would say MOST if not ALL people of this site would argue strongly that is not the case for them. But none could argue that the stereotype is not out there...it is...and we femmes feel it at different times in our lives...

it isnt always the intent of the Interested Party (be they butch, FtM, etc) to make a femme feel less intelligent, but sometimes in the way they address us or court us or behave toward us, it translates that way....

and yet, sometimes, WE are the ones who interpret it that way when in fact, it was not meant that way at all...that falls to our issues of self worth and where we place ourselves in value...

the older I get (and I am 54 now) the more capable I see myself and the more value I place on my strength of character, personality and ethics, than i do on my beauty. I have also just recently broken free of stereotypes that I thought were me, but really were not. It was as if miles of heavy chains has been lifted off my shoulders and back. I could look back and be sullen about the way I was treated by others when I wore those chains, but those others only responded to me in the way I presented myself. It was not their fault I carried myself under a mask. Even if it was subconsciously worn. But once awareness hit, I could not step another foot until I laid those chains down....

I am not suggesting my experience has anything to do with yours. I am merely stating I had to look at myself before I could really See my Self. We are all modeled after our socialization, which by definition is an UNCONSCIOUS integration of beliefs and values. How can we even begin to identify the issues if its under our conscious noses? LOL....

You are at a point in your life where you are analyzing life in general, let alone yourself. Your answers will become known to you...

until then, hold your head high and know the value of yourself regardless of how others may act around you. If i call someone a chair, it does not make them a chair. If they expect you to be less intelligent, give them an education and prove them wrong...but remember....they are figuring it all out too...be kind unless that doesnt work, then be fierce!

[Star Anise]

There have been so many wonderful responses here, I do feel inspired again!

And I appreciate responses from all in this thread no matter how you ID.

Thank you all!

~~Anise

[Tcountry]

Originally Posted by little_ms_sunshyne

I say Fuck 'em

Sorry, I curse like a sailor and yes I am as femme as they come. There is always someone out there that has some judgement to pass or a stereotype to use. If you let them get to you then they win. They do not define you, you define who you are.

I have met many butches that love girly and extra feminine women. In fact, it drives them nuts

From a femme's perspective, there is nothing sexier than a woman embracing all that feminine beauty. From the curve of her neck to the curve in her waist.

Think Sunshyne sums it up here...(side note she really does swear a lot, and wears a pencil skirt that is oh so very tempting to skip whatever event we have planned)
Anyway...back on topic...*head out of clouds*
It is about YOU...how you define yourself, what you feel comfortable in, & how you "work what you have" that matters. The more confident you are just being YOU...the more likely you are to attract someone who is going to appreciate you for who you are.

I dunno how many more times I can say you...so I'll wrap it up & say just be proud & stop analyzing everyone else. Go out, have fun, & be happy in your choices.

*tip hat*

[msW8ing]

So many times I've sat here and read similiar posts from femmes/butches/tg/dykes however they ID. And it just makes my head spin. We fight to break out of the stereotypes that society has put on us. We fight for equal rights. This makes me proud. To witness and hear about when we have to fight amongst ourselves to break the stereotypes and our rights makes me sick. I am so NOT the "femme norm" as it were. I'm a 5'10" bbw with tattoos( and thanks to my grandfather who wanted me to be self sufficient )I can do car repair, I have refurbished houses, built stone walls. I grew up working farms and ranches. I was the single mother of 2 wonderful kids working 2 and 3 jobs to raise them. I cook/bake and love to clean. I can put Martha Stewart to shame. And Paula Dean aint got nothing on me.lol I love outdoorsy stuff to, camping and fishing (I bait my own hook, clean it and cook it too all with nails and looking good while i do it lol) I can wear jeans and tshirts and still feel femme. I can wear dresses and lace and look as femme as any of them. I can make a butch feel like they are the only butch in the world. I have passion and love with my whole being. What I dress in is how I'm feeling at the moment and what the occasion is. It's taken a few life lessons for me to learn that the clothes do not make the person. I know who I am and thats what matters. When asked to ID myself for those that need it, my usuall reply is, " I'm as hard as I need to be and as soft as I wanna be" You find your self worth from within yourself, do not allow others to dictate to you. Your a beautiful girl inside and out from what I've read on these threads. And you will find the person that is worthy of you. Don't let others insecurities of themselves be brushed off onto yourself through thier actions. Be confident and stay strong and just be the femme you feel inside that you are. Stay true to yourself and the rest will fall into place. Hold your head up high. As one of my major crushes Mae West said, " A woman who knows the ropes, will never be bound". *steps down from soap box* Just my .02 cents.