Being perceived as ditzy, flaky or shallow for being femme

[Ms. Meander]

Originally Posted by Star Anise

It seems that this will be another soul searching difficult post for me, which has been incited by thoughts and feelings I have experienced over a few different nights, and particularly last night when out at a gay bar in town.


As a quick background, for the most part I identify as femme, and it is something that I feel is “natural” to me and something I have experimented with.



Before I came out “officially” I confess that I had this strange notion that to be a lesbian, I would have to be more butch, and I did experiment with becoming more masculine in both mannerism and clothing style. However it didn’t take me too long to realise that this simply wasn’t who I am, it was an ill fitting costume.
When I go out, I do like to dress up and I tend to sit more in the high femme end…


And lately (I am not sure whether it is happening more, whether I am noticing it more, or whether I am just being more sensitive to it) but I feel like butch women don’t take me seriously, and treat me like an idiot, or dismiss me as being shallow simply for the fact that I am wearing cosmetics, and feminine clothes and (most importantly for me) having fun with my clothes!


I will post more on this topic soon, I am really just feeling utterly depressed and rejected right now.

This is something I have experienced to some degree. I live in an area that is very liberal, has a large LGBT community, and is thick with Hippies. While there is some Butch/Femme community here and some fabulous Femmes (a couple of which are my best fremmes), there are more lesbians who fall someplace in the middle – a little butch of center/a little femme of center. These are the sort I feel most judged by.

I wonder if they look at me in my high-heels, make-up and cleavage and think that just because I spend the time and effort to put myself together such, that I am shallow; that I have nothing better to do; that I have to get attention this way because I have nothing else to offer. Of course, anyone who has a conversation with me quickly learns that I am quite bright, erudite, and emotionally intelligent as well.

The rituals I engage in to enhance my femininity are just that. Rituals. Things I do that make me feel good, empowered, beautiful, sexy. I would be all of those things even if I chose to express myself differently, but this is me now. And the time I spend on myself translates as self-care. There is even a bit of a meditative quality to it all for me. The time I spend applying make-up or doing my own mani/pedi, is me time. It is not shallow or self-centered. If everyone made more time for self-care, we would all be better off and more balanced.

I think many people (whoever they are/however they identify), are intimidated by a beautiful, sexy woman who is also smart and powerful. So they try to put her in a box. They will get over it – or not. Just keep being who you are and don’t ever let anyone make you feel you are less than. Eventually, like-minded people will be drawn in and perhaps a few blockheads will learn a valuable lesson, just by having your example to observe.