*Menopause*

[Rockinonahigh]

In 1998 I had a total hysto cause of fibroid tumors that were causeing me to have 3 week long periods that near sent me to the hospital many times.Going into sudden menopause was a Bytch if the first order,the days were either good or bad depending on how many wet crying towles I used a day,mood swings were like Jeckle ad Hyde so I stayed to myself most of the time..wich made it easyer for all conserned.Now after all these years I still have some killer hot flashes and night sweats that sometimes I have to shower in the morning before going to work,I did take hrt for about 6 months but quit after I found out how dangerous they were,im not saying takeing something wouldnt help me but I never have ask my doc about it..no real reason just it never comes up at an appointment.I often cant sleep at night,do forget things( at times) wonder if I forgot to insert my brain cells when I get up in the morning cause of some of the stupid stuff I sometimes do,yeah it leave ppl wondering if im all hear..heck I wonder if im all hear.

and....all together now

[Converse]

I’m a Stone Butch, I’m tough, I came out of the womb that way – In fact I’m so tough that I had to google “ where do Stone Butches come from?” and found the word “womb”, after all Stone Butches don’t concern themselves with that kind of “women’s stuff” do they?

I have an education, I can write a dissertation without much of a nudge, but ask me to discuss an ovary and I will stare blankly. Women don’t discuss “secret women’s business” around baby stone butches let alone grown ones, and the most personal conversation between tough Stone Butches may involve tips on packing or if we are feeling particularly sensitive- the awkwardness of binding may get raised.

It was clear to me that the new washing machine obviously caused my jeans to shrink, but I became slightly confused when the same happened to my belts – had someone been putting them in the wash as well? I checked the buckles for signs of being placed in the dryer.

Then my energy level dropped, probably a reaction to the world climate change, I should start eating raw meat or buckets of spinach, and will as soon as I stop turning the house upside down looking for chocolate. The hunt for sugar is exhausting.

I’m probably so tired because it’s hard to sleep in the furnaces of hell, laying there in a pool of perspiration I think I should quickly go and water all of the plants before they die in this heat – I will as soon as I get the energy.

What I don’t understand is why the teenager is so loud all of the sudden, and why the cashier is moving at a speed that if any slower would actually result in her working in reverse, and since when did my pin number on my debit card end in a zero, and have I always taken sugar in my tea?

Those weren’t tears that came from watching that stupid show, it’s quite obvious that my eyes are simply watering - a reaction to having just recently been prescribed reading glasses. I knew that I didn’t need glasses because I was getting older- its just that my eyes are tired, they will believe me once I start eating that raw meat and my hawk eye vision returns. It’s also probably why I can’t finish reading a book, and has nothing to do with suddenly developing the attention span of a 3 year old (although oddly, a childish temper tantrum has some appeal right now).

After I had run the cold water over the top of my head, opened all the doors and the windows and put the ceiling fans on maximum – I stared in disbelief at my wife who seemed to be sitting calmly unperturbed by the sudden heat wave that had hit. “Aren’t you boiling up?” I asked, “No” she replied – I had to touch her skin before I could be convinced.
I finally declared “I’m sick! I have a fever!”
She smiled, she said “it’s called menopause”. “No you don’t understand- I just don’t feel myself, I can’t explain it”.
My wife took me to the healthfood store – we stood in the women’s care section, I looked at the labels. I was suddenly struck with having to acknowledge the body I was born into - I became disorientated and chose to wait outside.

As I type this I’m looking at a bottle labelled “ Womensense – for the reduction of hot flashes and other symptoms of menopause”.

I select “female” on official forms, perhaps in my lifetime “Butch” will appear as an option on those forms, but until then I’m ok with my selection. And one day “happy birthday to our daughter” cards will sit next to “happy birthday to our Butch”, on the shelves at the gift stores, but in the mean time I’m ok with opening the card that my parents send me. But this, this dialogue, verbiage and images of womanhood and femininity in the context of discussing Me, is something I’m having a hard time coming to terms with.

I’ll think about it some more after I have splashed some cold water over my head.

Great post Converse, thank you - of course I had to put my specs on to read it because I can't see to read without them anymore. That's only happened in the last year!

I suddenly don't feel so alone...

...I know, I know you women of the femme persuasion are sharing the same symptoms and wotnot but menopause is not necessarily challenging your whole sex/gender/id/concept of self like it can do for those of us on the other side of the bf equation.

It was good to spend some time with an older ex recently who has come out the other side of menopause and is happy with her older, aging self............she doesn't get hot flashes anymore - wooohoooo they do eventually stop!!

Bound up in all this menopause gubbins has to be the notion of aging surely? I don't mind admitting that I so looked forward to my 40s and have had a ball thus far but I'm struggling with the run down to 50.

[jelli]

Originally Posted by Incubus

Great post Converse, thank you - of course I had to put my specs on to read it because I can't see to read without them anymore. That's only happened in the last year!

I suddenly don't feel so alone...

...I know, I know you women of the femme persuasion are sharing the same symptoms and wotnot but menopause is not necessarily challenging your whole sex/gender/id/concept of self like it can do for those of us on the other side of the bf equation.

It was good to spend some time with an older ex recently who has come out the other side of menopause and is happy with her older, aging self............she doesn't get hot flashes anymore - wooohoooo they do eventually stop!!

Bound up in all this menopause gubbins has to be the notion of aging surely? I don't mind admitting that I so looked forward to my 40s and have had a ball thus far but I'm struggling with the run down to 50.

{{{{{ Incubus }}}}} because sometimes my words feel inadequate for what i feel from a post.

My Cruel, Mr. Bent, among so many others will tell you I have the utmost respect and appreciation for what Butches, Trans, etc.

I wish the world would wrap you in love and acceptance. I wish I could be all of your neighbors. Just sayin'.

[Rockinonahigh]

Thanks so much for the post,I know just how u feel,u explaned things In ways I havent been able to..thank u so much.

[Corkey]

I'm a male ID'd Butch TG, I have a female body I rarely acknowledge. That is until I hit 47 and the perimenopauisl shyt of hot flashes bombarded my body and muddled my brain. I took to calling it mental pause because it effected my brain more than I could have ever imagined. I took to reading glasses at 35 and continue to get more distance between my menu and my face, when my wife sits across from me and I have forgotten my eyes she will gladly hold the menu or read it to me. Some kids will wonder if I can read, the answer is yes when I have my damn eyes on. Back to the gates of hell and the night angles that pick one up and drop one into a pool of lava with no hope of ice. This last winter I wore a sweat shirt the entire time and we have some cruel winters of over 60" of snow. I shoveled the white stuff in my sweat shirt the wind in my face glad for the bite of freezing bits of ice. I tried the black kohash, it worked for a while, but not over the years.
I park my ass in front of the fan and pray the flash gods will be kind. I am now at the stage where it is not an every 5 minute occurrence and I can sleep at night with sheet and blanket, often tossed aside but not far from reach.
I am a secure human, so I know this too shall pass and has nothing to do with how I am perceived. In passing you would not know that I had just given a pint of liquid 10 minutes ago, except for the longing stare at the ice machine.
Oh the joys of the addled brain, forgetting from one minute to the next what the hell I'm doing in the bath room when I don't have any business to preform in said room. Or I know I was looking for something if only to remember the next day. These sad tricks of the addled mind are at once frightening and humorous. You can tell I'm looking for my glasses when a remarkable stare fixes my eyes, only to have pointed out they are already on my face.
Yes, dears the joys of mental pause, this too shall pass.

[jelli]

Originally Posted by Converse

I’m a Stone Butch, I’m tough, I came out of the womb that way – In fact I’m so tough that I had to google “ where do Stone Butches come from?” and found the word “womb”, after all Stone Butches don’t concern themselves with that kind of “women’s stuff” do they?

I have an education, I can write a dissertation without much of a nudge, but ask me to discuss an ovary and I will stare blankly. Women don’t discuss “secret women’s business” around baby stone butches let alone grown ones, and the most personal conversation between tough Stone Butches may involve tips on packing or if we are feeling particularly sensitive- the awkwardness of binding may get raised.

It was clear to me that the new washing machine obviously caused my jeans to shrink, but I became slightly confused when the same happened to my belts – had someone been putting them in the wash as well? I checked the buckles for signs of being placed in the dryer.

Then my energy level dropped, probably a reaction to the world climate change, I should start eating raw meat or buckets of spinach, and will as soon as I stop turning the house upside down looking for chocolate. The hunt for sugar is exhausting.

I’m probably so tired because it’s hard to sleep in the furnaces of hell, laying there in a pool of perspiration I think I should quickly go and water all of the plants before they die in this heat – I will as soon as I get the energy.

What I don’t understand is why the teenager is so loud all of the sudden, and why the cashier is moving at a speed that if any slower would actually result in her working in reverse, and since when did my pin number on my debit card end in a zero, and have I always taken sugar in my tea?

Those weren’t tears that came from watching that stupid show, it’s quite obvious that my eyes are simply watering - a reaction to having just recently been prescribed reading glasses. I knew that I didn’t need glasses because I was getting older- its just that my eyes are tired, they will believe me once I start eating that raw meat and my hawk eye vision returns. It’s also probably why I can’t finish reading a book, and has nothing to do with suddenly developing the attention span of a 3 year old (although oddly, a childish temper tantrum has some appeal right now).

After I had run the cold water over the top of my head, opened all the doors and the windows and put the ceiling fans on maximum – I stared in disbelief at my wife who seemed to be sitting calmly unperturbed by the sudden heat wave that had hit. “Aren’t you boiling up?” I asked, “No” she replied – I had to touch her skin before I could be convinced.
I finally declared “I’m sick! I have a fever!”
She smiled, she said “it’s called menopause”. “No you don’t understand- I just don’t feel myself, I can’t explain it”.
My wife took me to the healthfood store – we stood in the women’s care section, I looked at the labels. I was suddenly struck with having to acknowledge the body I was born into - I became disorientated and chose to wait outside.

As I type this I’m looking at a bottle labelled “ Womensense – for the reduction of hot flashes and other symptoms of menopause”.

I select “female” on official forms, perhaps in my lifetime “Butch” will appear as an option on those forms, but until then I’m ok with my selection. And one day “happy birthday to our daughter” cards will sit next to “happy birthday to our Butch”, on the shelves at the gift stores, but in the mean time I’m ok with opening the card that my parents send me. But this, this dialogue, verbiage and images of womanhood and femininity in the context of discussing Me, is something I’m having a hard time coming to terms with.

I’ll think about it some more after I have splashed some cold water over my head.

Converse,

Hello there. I can not express enough appreciation for your post. As I read further and further into your post my eyes begin to well up with tears(don't worry I'm a sensitive girl). I felt what you were writing as it applies to my menopause in the female sense, but could also feel it as if it were my Butch. It pains me more for Butches - then again most things do. Hope that's not a dangling participle because my Cruel is always telling me not to leave them hanging. As you can tell, I can not write a dissertation for anything. Maybe one day.

Cruel met me as the mother of 5 and completely took on the task. Of course I didn't say it was easy, but my point being, we want Cruel to have a holiday since I had Mother's Day. Cruel got Father's Day with a twist... BUTCH'S Day. Surely I hope you didn't misread that holiday. Just wanted to show love, appreciation and acceptance. Hope we did her justice.

May you and your wife share many years of love and happiness.