Al-anon, Nar-anon: when someone you love is practicing addiction.

jelli · 08-04-2011, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toughy

I would remind you that there are other recovery programs besides 12-Step faith-based programs. LifeRing Secular Recovery (www.lifering.org) and SMART Recovery (www.smartrecovery.org) are two of the better known secular groups. There is also a secular group called Women for Sobriety (www.womenforsobriety.org) that is the first and perhaps only program that is specifically about the needs of women.

Check them out.......12 Step is not always a good fit for some folks. She can certainly go to any one or all of these different program meetings. The more tools in the toolbox, the better chance of recovery.

Hang in there........you are doing fine.

(edoted to add: (personally I extremely dislike all, yes all, of the reality tv programs that are focused people with addiction issues....it's reality tv and scripted and edited so who knows what actually happens)

Great info Toughenough.

I do feel some of those shows are not depicting some accuracies, however they do show some boundaries or guidelines on how to some enabling an addict.

atomiczombie · 08-04-2011, 09:27 PM

Well I do know a bit about addiction since I have been in recovery since age 15. My own addiction gives me a good idea of what she is going though, although I went through it at a younger age than Jess. Thanks for the info Toughy, I will check those other programs out.

I ended up taking Jess to her mother's place. It's not the best place, as her mom (my ex-wife) is a verbal abuser. However, Jessica is mad at me for telling her she has a drug and alcohol problem and says I betrayed her by telling her she needs to go to a meeting if she is going to stay with us. But if I didn't do that, and just let her stay with us, I would be an enabler and I would cushion her from the consequences of the choices she made that caused her grandmother to throw her out. Now Jess says I am not her family and she will never talk to me again.

jelli · 08-04-2011, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

Well I do know a bit about addiction since I have been in recovery since age 15. My own addiction gives me a good idea of what she is going though, although I went through it at a younger age than Jess. Thanks for the info Toughy, I will check those other programs out.

I ended up taking Jess to her mother's place. It's not the best place, as her mom (my ex-wife) is a verbal abuser. However, Jessica is mad at me for telling her she has a drug and alcohol problem and says I betrayed her by telling her she needs to go to a meeting if she is going to stay with us. But if I didn't do that, and just let her stay with us, I would be an enabler and I would cushion her from the consequences of the choices she made that caused her grandmother to throw her out. Now Jess says I am not her family and she will never talk to me again.

Knowing a bit about addiction you realize you or anyone else is trying to rationalize with someone that's using. You're talking to the drugs - not Jess being 100% herself.

atomiczombie · 08-04-2011, 09:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jelli

Knowing a bit about addiction you realize you or anyone else is trying to rationalize with someone that's using. You're talking to the drugs - not Jess being 100% herself.

Oh, I know. And I can't make her want to get help. She has to want it. She just hasn't hit bottom yet.

undone · 08-05-2011, 01:00 AM

atomiczombie, she's running out of options and they will get worse for her before she's willing to do the work and accept the help she'll need,

but good for her grandmother!!! i think if some one wants to pretend there is no issue that they cause then treat them as such make them just as accountable if not even more so, no leeway and you know if she was living in a place she liked then it would just take her that much longer in a place wherr she's not so comfy and happy she may be more willing to get out.

atomiczombie · 08-11-2011, 12:04 PM

My kid kicked me off her facebook list and won"t return my calls or text messages. She has shut me out completely. I don't know what is happening with her, or if she is even safe. I am SO stressed out and worried and scared for her. I am carrying it all in my neck, and it is so stiff and sore, it hurts to turn my head even slightly. OUCH.

sweetfemme247 · 08-11-2011, 12:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

My kid kicked me off her facebook list and won"t return my calls or text messages. She has shut me out completely. I don't know what is happening with her, or if she is even safe. I am SO stressed out and worried and scared for her. I am carrying it all in my neck, and it is so stiff and sore, it hurts to turn my head even slightly. OUCH.

I wish you the best of luck

Greyson · 08-11-2011, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

My kid kicked me off her facebook list and won"t return my calls or text messages. She has shut me out completely. I don't know what is happening with her, or if she is even safe. I am SO stressed out and worried and scared for her. I am carrying it all in my neck, and it is so stiff and sore, it hurts to turn my head even slightly. OUCH.

Drew, I'm sorry you and your family are going through all of this. Get yourself to at least a phone or online Al-Anon meeting. Go to the websites and start reading the material, most likely again. Your daughter's recovery is out of your hands. The best you can do for her is to take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Sometimes we know the drill but when it comes to applying it to our loved ones it is much harder to see the reality of things and the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dominique · 08-11-2011, 08:28 PM

the phone drew, the phone.....assuming its a cell phone. WHO pays for that phone? Is she 17 still..... police can find out alot of information from a cell phone.

Of course she is going to torture you, emotional blackmail is how the drug makes them behave. You are not doing what she wants you to do. This is bigger than you. As Greyson said, take care of you, and get help with her.

girl_dee · 08-26-2011, 08:22 PM

So sorry about all of this, fucking alcohol / drugs / addictions ruins too many lives and relationships.

sylvie · 08-29-2011, 06:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atomiczombie

My kid kicked me off her facebook list and won"t return my calls or text messages. She has shut me out completely. I don't know what is happening with her, or if she is even safe. I am SO stressed out and worried and scared for her. I am carrying it all in my neck, and it is so stiff and sore, it hurts to turn my head even slightly. OUCH.

my heart seriously breaks for you..
has there been any change? any contact with her?
my situation is a bit different, where it's my father, i've been able to separate myself from his alcoholism finally, and hoping one day he will seek proper help.. but in the case of a child, i just couldn't imagine Drew.
sending positive thoughts that she's safe and contacts you soon, if she hasn't already!

Kätzchen · 12-26-2015, 01:25 PM

This past year has been challenging for both my young son and I. I have spent months laying the ground work for what happens next (intervention).

I first had to admit to myself that my young son is an alcoholic of epic proportions. Then I admitted to myself that I could no longer participate in his recovery, that recovering my own sanity comes first. I love my son, but I don't like or love the disease that is swallowing up his precious life.

I am attending my first Al-anon meeting today.

Gayandgray · 03-12-2016, 06:46 PM

My spouse's daughter is an addict, and it has been extremely difficult for us to deal with over the years. I just do not have the patience for my stepdaughter's drama anymore, I feel I have more than enough to worry about with taking care of her Mother. We have helped her out countless times and she continues to lie to us and she would still be stealing from us if I didn't forbid her from coming to our house. I used to give in to her and I guess I was an enabler, along with my spouse, but now that my spouse's health has deteriorated to the point it is , I feel it is too unsafe for my stepdaughter to be around her Mother. I'm not preventing them from having a relationship, she can come over as long as it is a "supervised" visit. If not myself, than my stepson or step grandson has to be there to ensure my stepdaughter does not steal her Mother's medicine or our dogs seizure meds, and anything else she can get ahold of to sell for money for heroin. She also can be violent and I have to make sure my spouse is safe. It is heartbreaking some days and I have cried and prayed about it, and finally came to the decision that I'm going to practice tough love with her. No more money, no more bailing her out of jail, etc. I pray she will reach her rock bottom point and decide to get the help she needs one day soon. I had a stepsister that had the same problem and she died in her early fifties from it.

08-04-2011, 09:27 PM	#2
atomiczombie Member How Do You Identify?: Femmesensual Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him, His Relationship Status: Dating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rio Vista, CA Posts: 1,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,949 Thanked 3,220 Times in 759 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	Well I do know a bit about addiction since I have been in recovery since age 15. My own addiction gives me a good idea of what she is going though, although I went through it at a younger age than Jess. Thanks for the info Toughy, I will check those other programs out. I ended up taking Jess to her mother's place. It's not the best place, as her mom (my ex-wife) is a verbal abuser. However, Jessica is mad at me for telling her she has a drug and alcohol problem and says I betrayed her by telling her she needs to go to a meeting if she is going to stay with us. But if I didn't do that, and just let her stay with us, I would be an enabler and I would cushion her from the consequences of the choices she made that caused her grandmother to throw her out. Now Jess says I am not her family and she will never talk to me again. __________________ http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/k...orums_2000.gif Russian Unicorn http://occupiedmedia.us/

08-11-2011, 12:04 PM	#6
atomiczombie Member How Do You Identify?: Femmesensual Transguy Preferred Pronoun?: He, Him, His Relationship Status: Dating Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rio Vista, CA Posts: 1,225 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,949 Thanked 3,220 Times in 759 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	My kid kicked me off her facebook list and won"t return my calls or text messages. She has shut me out completely. I don't know what is happening with her, or if she is even safe. I am SO stressed out and worried and scared for her. I am carrying it all in my neck, and it is so stiff and sore, it hurts to turn my head even slightly. OUCH. __________________ http://i277.photobucket.com/albums/k...orums_2000.gif Russian Unicorn http://occupiedmedia.us/

08-11-2011, 08:28 PM	#9
Dominique Member How Do You Identify?: Female/Lesbian/half the athlete I used to be Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Dates Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: So proud to be a Pittsburgher Posts: 1,484 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,645 Thanked 3,730 Times in 1,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	the phone drew, the phone.....assuming its a cell phone. WHO pays for that phone? Is she 17 still..... police can find out alot of information from a cell phone. Of course she is going to torture you, emotional blackmail is how the drug makes them behave. You are not doing what she wants you to do. This is bigger than you. As Greyson said, take care of you, and get help with her. __________________ As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad could things be??

12-26-2015, 01:25 PM	#12
Kätzchen Member How Do You Identify?: As a very feminine woman. Relationship Status: Unavailable. Join Date: May 2010 Location: Near smoke signals in the sky. Posts: 16,196 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 29,460 Thanked 33,606 Times in 10,705 Posts Rep Power: 21474868	This past year has been challenging for both my young son and I. I have spent months laying the ground work for what happens next (intervention). I first had to admit to myself that my young son is an alcoholic of epic proportions. Then I admitted to myself that I could no longer participate in his recovery, that recovering my own sanity comes first. I love my son, but I don't like or love the disease that is swallowing up his precious life. I am attending my first Al-anon meeting today. __________________ “The way someone treats you is not a reflection of your worth: It’s a reflection of their emotional capacity,” — Jillian Turecki. “The smartest people are clearly the best listeners,” — Audible. I’m doing my part, as an American citizen, who is concerned about losing our Democracy: I boycott agencies and businesses and service providers who do not support the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Support Democracy: Vote Blue

03-12-2016, 06:46 PM	#13
Gayandgray Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Femme-ish, tomboy lesbian Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Together a really long time Join Date: Jan 2016 Location: In my mind? On a tropical island Posts: 4,862 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 13,584 Thanked 12,885 Times in 3,081 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	My spouse's daughter is an addict, and it has been extremely difficult for us to deal with over the years. I just do not have the patience for my stepdaughter's drama anymore, I feel I have more than enough to worry about with taking care of her Mother. We have helped her out countless times and she continues to lie to us and she would still be stealing from us if I didn't forbid her from coming to our house. I used to give in to her and I guess I was an enabler, along with my spouse, but now that my spouse's health has deteriorated to the point it is , I feel it is too unsafe for my stepdaughter to be around her Mother. I'm not preventing them from having a relationship, she can come over as long as it is a "supervised" visit. If not myself, than my stepson or step grandson has to be there to ensure my stepdaughter does not steal her Mother's medicine or our dogs seizure meds, and anything else she can get ahold of to sell for money for heroin. She also can be violent and I have to make sure my spouse is safe. It is heartbreaking some days and I have cried and prayed about it, and finally came to the decision that I'm going to practice tough love with her. No more money, no more bailing her out of jail, etc. I pray she will reach her rock bottom point and decide to get the help she needs one day soon. I had a stepsister that had the same problem and she died in her early fifties from it. __________________

08-05-2011, 01:00 AM	#5
undone Junior Member How Do You Identify?: me! Preferred Pronoun?: Woman Relationship Status: Sold! Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: Long Beach, CA but home is Portland Posts: 96 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 174 Thanked 178 Times in 63 Posts Rep Power: 507771	atomiczombie, she's running out of options and they will get worse for her before she's willing to do the work and accept the help she'll need, but good for her grandmother!!! i think if some one wants to pretend there is no issue that they cause then treat them as such make them just as accountable if not even more so, no leeway and you know if she was living in a place she liked then it would just take her that much longer in a place wherr she's not so comfy and happy she may be more willing to get out.

08-26-2011, 08:22 PM	#10
girl_dee Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: dee Relationship Status: Hitched up Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Livin’ the Dream Posts: 24,079 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 30,560 Thanked 54,829 Times in 13,908 Posts Rep Power: 21474873	So sorry about all of this, fucking alcohol / drugs / addictions ruins too many lives and relationships.