You Knew You Were a Femme When...

[Julie]

Hi Arkansas,

I just read your post... I came out as a Femme in the late 70's -- Sometime in the early 90's I decided I did not want to be Femme anymore and if anybody referred to me as Femme, I would challenge them. I was tired of being boxed in and tired of people saying I was not a true lesbian. Whatever -- I was not as secure back then. That lasted a few years -- A live in relationship with another Femme was enough for me to say - Screw THIS! I am a Femme who loves Butches and I am not denying it anymore.

I dated a butch, she was good for me in one or two ways. I was still teetering on the edge and protective of my identity. She said to me... You can deny you are a Femme all you want (she was much older than I was)... But, just look at the way you stand - perfect ballerina stance (lol) and how you speak your language. No matter what I wore -- Baggy Jeans, workshirt and work boots in the garden... I am Femme. And as Snow said (Cock Wearing) -- Does not make you less of a Femme (remember that older butch - nuff said). Top or Bottom. Femme is Femme. It is the core of our being and at almost 50 -- I am finally not putting up with other people and their bullshit. I am not allowing others to box me in.

Nobody can take anything away from us. NOTHING. Not our feminism, our lesbianism, our femme - NOTHING.

I also remember when I first joined a site (like this - an old one) I felt so out of place. I thought, GOD -- Look at these gorgeous glamorous women... I will never be one of them. I will never look like them. No, I will not ever look like them... I will look like me. Simple Julie. The girl who rarely wears makeup... Who crops her hair. Oh and the girl who just loves her flannel granny (oh so sexy) nightgowns with her ugg boots.

You are beautiful just as you are. None of us are alike and that is what makes us so profoundly amazing.

Julie (and I am so happy to meet you)

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Julie

Hi Arkansas,

I just read your post... I came out as a Femme in the late 70's -- Sometime in the early 90's I decided I did not want to be Femme anymore and if anybody referred to me as Femme, I would challenge them. I was tired of being boxed in and tired of people saying I was not a true lesbian. Whatever -- I was not as secure back then. That lasted a few years -- A live in relationship with another Femme was enough for me to say - Screw THIS! I am a Femme who loves Butches and I am not denying it anymore.

I love that statement, "I am a Femme who loves Butches and I am not denying it anymore." You know, that is the same kind of declaration that I made to myself when I came out, that I am a lesbian, I love women, and I am not denying it anymore. I had not felt that kind of empowerment and self truth many times in my life. Awesome!


I dated a butch, she was good for me in one or two ways. I was still teetering on the edge and protective of my identity. She said to me... You can deny you are a Femme all you want (she was much older than I was)... But, just look at the way you stand - perfect ballerina stance (lol) and how you speak your language. No matter what I wore -- Baggy Jeans, workshirt and work boots in the garden... I am Femme. And as Snow said (Cock Wearing) -- Does not make you less of a Femme (remember that older butch - nuff said). Top or Bottom. Femme is Femme. It is the core of our being and at almost 50 -- I am finally not putting up with other people and their bullshit. I am not allowing others to box me in.

"It is the core of our being.." YES! This is at the core of ME, and I will not box myself in or allow anyone to box me in either.


I also remember when I first joined a site (like this - an old one) I felt so out of place. I thought, GOD -- Look at these gorgeous glamorous women... I will never be one of them. I will never look like them. No, I will not ever look like them... I will look like me. Simple Julie. The girl who rarely wears makeup... Who crops her hair. Oh and the girl who just loves her flannel granny (oh so sexy) nightgowns with her ugg boots.

I SOOO relate to this, THANK YOU! (and yeah, I crop my hair short too)

You are beautiful just as you are. None of us are alike and that is what makes us so profoundly amazing.

Julie (and I am so happy to meet you)

So very happy to meet you, Julie!!

[Starbuck]

I've never been a girly girl. I've played sports, wear jeans and t-shirts as every day clothes, but I'm just now getting into "girl clothes" as my daughter puts it (she says she's proud of me ) and it still feels a bit strange; maybe I'm coming into my own as I age. But I've always been attracted to soft butch type women or lipstick lesbians because in a way they have a butchness about them and they look so good too...the best of both worlds, right?

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

I've never been a girly girl. I've played sports, wear jeans and t-shirts as every day clothes, but I'm just now getting into "girl clothes" as my daughter puts it (she says she's proud of me ) and it still feels a bit strange; maybe I'm coming into my own as I age. But I've always been attracted to soft butch type women or lipstick lesbians because in a way they have a butchness about them and they look so good too...the best of both worlds, right?

Starbuck,

Thanks for your response. This has me wondering now too, since you ID (and others have too) as a "soft femme". What constitutes a "soft" femme?

Ann

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Starbuck,

Thanks for your response. This has me wondering now too, since you ID (and others have too) as a "soft femme". What constitutes a "soft" femme?

Ann

Not being a "girly girl", being more of a toolbelt femme, if you will. Does that make sense? I own more tools than some men. I'm a tom boy, I guess, but I have long hair, wear eye make up on occasion, starting to wear girlie tops with my jeans...not a "full" femme in my definition of it all. I don't know if that answers your question.

[Martina]

i discovered femme ID through wanting butches. i was pretty androgynous. In some ways, i still am. i am probably andro on the femme side if one is just using those terms descriptively.

i like the fact that i stretch the definition some. If someone butched me up, i probably could pass as a butch.

Still, i am femme even though i am not that feminine. i am femme even though i will date other femmes. i am femme because i decided i was femme at some point and made it mine.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Martina

i discovered femme ID through wanting butches. i was pretty androgynous. In some ways, i still am. i am probably andro on the femme side if one is just using those terms descriptively.

i like the fact that i stretch the definition some. If someone butched me up, i probably could pass as a butch.

Still, i am femme even though i am not that feminine. i am femme even though i will date other femmes. i am femme because i decided i was femme at some point and made it mine.

This brings to mind the year that I "butched up" for a Halloween costume contest. White t-shirt, leather vest, black jeans, Daddy's cap, fake handlebar mustache, long flogger hanging from my belt. I actually won first place at that contest (noone could believe it was me!) I adopted a stance, adopted a very masculine stride, had a masculine PRESENCE!

What was REALLY hilarious with that get up is the story of me packing, and what happened for THAT! Now I think I am gonna have to hold on to THAT particular story till the Reunion this October. ROFL

[AlphaDrug]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Starbuck,

Thanks for your response. This has me wondering now too, since you ID (and others have too) as a "soft femme". What constitutes a "soft" femme?

Ann

Thats the stone-femme vs. soft-femme for me at least. A stone-femme is girly girl 24-7, doesn't leave the house without makeup, wont do activities that might break a nail or mess her hair. Where as a soft-femme is more likely to go hiking, jump into the ocean, risk breaking a nail or fix a toilet, that kind of thing. XD

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by AlphaDrug

Thats the stone-femme vs. soft-femme for me at least. A stone-femme is girly girl 24-7, doesn't leave the house without makeup, wont do activities that might break a nail or mess her hair. Where as a soft-femme is more likely to go hiking, jump into the ocean, risk breaking a nail or fix a toilet, that kind of thing. XD

I'm a stone femme till I'm not, it's more when I'm fucking, strapping that it's present. I don't want to be touched *I* want to be the one touching and fucking. If I'm getting blown no matter how deep down the throat my cock is he better keep his balance on his own since I forbid touch. My attire or cosmetics have nothing to do with my stone self. That's just another view of stone.


Lovin' this thread!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm a stone femme till I'm not, it's more when I'm fucking, strapping that it's present. I don't want to be touched *I* want to be the one touching and fucking. If I'm getting blown no matter how deep down the throat my cock is he better keep his balance on his own since I forbid touch. My attire or cosmetics have nothing to do with my stone self. That's just another view of stone.


Lovin' this thread!

Snow, thanks for your clarification! That is what I thought the definition of Stone was, having more to do with sex than a mindset or look? I knew a woman years ago that ID'd as a Stone Butch, she always told me that was because she did NOT allow anyone to touch her, she only would be the one touching. It had nothing to do with her having a more masculine "look" with her short hair or her body language and stride or the clothing that she wore.
And as others have now written in this thread, being a "soft" femme or a "soft" butch, to Me, may just be the fact that they ID closer to the middle or centrist place on the spectrum, rather than to one extreme or another. Kind of like in politics, not the far right or far left, but a moderate. Does this make sense?

Part of me right now is wondering why we (me?) have such a NEED to pinpoint and label something like this. Put it in a box, so to speak. Do we think we will understand it better, if the idea is safely and tightly locked away inside that box? Silly, huh?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by AlphaDrug

Thats the stone-femme vs. soft-femme for me at least. A stone-femme is girly girl 24-7, doesn't leave the house without makeup, wont do activities that might break a nail or mess her hair. Where as a soft-femme is more likely to go hiking, jump into the ocean, risk breaking a nail or fix a toilet, that kind of thing. XD

I love the diversity of our community. For me, me being Stone has absolutely NOTHING to do with my physical presentation. I'm Stone 24/7, whether I'm in a dress and heels or barefoot in panties and a tank or while at work in sneaks and a less than desirable uniform.

My Stone identity is like my Femme identity to me. It's an essence, not a presentation. One feels it more than they see it.