Eating Disorders ~

[Gemme]

I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.

For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more.

Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out.

It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better.

Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate.

I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more.

[Rockinonahigh]

I never thought I had an eating disorder untill I had to face the fact that I had near eaten my way to being a diabetic,even then I was in denyal for a while.I mean fruit is healthy...right....bread is or was supose to be good for ya.I mean food is what keeps me going from one carb high to another day after day.What really brought it to me like a cold slap in the face was over the last mardi gras season,I was takeing some pies that had sat in the friges for a fue days so I desided to throw them away...I did ok till the last one,a pecan pie.I walked to the fridge to take it out to the trash on way out the door I picked up a fork ..one more bite for the road.....wrong...I sat on the trunk of my car at 10pm stuffing as much pie in my mouth as I could.I swear I heard a voice say, Hey fool look what u r doing,I stoped to c who it was then I realise it was my inner voice telling me each bite was like playing russian roulett one bite at the time.I had to finaly admitt I was ging to have to own up to my eating habits and fast.Over all now some months later I have changed my eating habits slowly one day at the time to where im in controle of what goes in my mouth.I journal every thing I eat and journal how I feel before I do anything..it has kept me acountable to myself.I have lost weight,inches and two pants sises,I have gone from 303 to 249 since January of this year.I have some more to go but I know I can get there and maintain it when I do.

[T D]

Just a note, purging isn't just about throwing up. There's various ways to purge.

Also, purgers can have some very serious medical conditions on down the line if they keep this kind of behavior up for too long.

Upon hitting menopause (age 46, early menopause also caused by purging) I found that I had the bone density of an 80 year old woman. After years of medications and lots and lots of Calcium and Vitamin D, I'm now up to Osteopenia, but it took years to gain that bone density back.

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by T D

Just a note, purging isn't just about throwing up. There's various ways to purge.

Also, purgers can have some very serious medical conditions on down the line if they keep this kind of behavior up for too long.

Upon hitting menopause (age 46, early menopause also caused by purging) I found that I had the bone density of an 80 year old woman. After years of medications and lots and lots of Calcium and Vitamin D, I'm now up to Osteopenia, but it took years to gain that bone density back.

((((Stevin))))
You are so right, it's not just throwing up.. for me, personally, thats what purging has been, but i know there are other methods and i'm glad you brought this up..
my scare has always been how what i am doing is affecting my health, i'm 38 years old now and after doing this for so long i am 'now' feeling it more in ways i never have, and knew it was a matter of time before something would impact my health negatively.. (or even moreso, i should say)..

i didn't realize purging could bring on early menopause.. To be honest, i'm petrified to look up what i've been doing to myself and what things could happen to me, i've always avoided looking..(sad, i know) But, important that i'm wanting change, now.. i think a big reason of why i started this thread is knowing i would learn from others, if they were to share, and would motivate me to be more aware of what i do to myself when i do these things...i need to be deal with the truths, and be honest with myself, of course..

i soo appreciate you sharing here, Stevin.. and thrilled that you gained the bone density back and are finding yourself in a healthier place.. that is wonderful!

[sylvie]

Today's Update:

weighed in this morning, to a 4 lb gain.. :: sad face ::
i am struggling emotionally, i wanna throw it all to the wind and give up, but seriously, it's 4 lbs.. i know i can lose that again, and i know i made some bad choices which is why i gained it...

Jennifer said in another thread, that i should celebrate the overall loss, because it's still a good loss of weight.. Sometimes it really helps to hear the positives and motivation from others, and that's why i have this thread.. it not only keeps me accountable, but motivated..

i made the mistake of binging on Monday, and although i didn't physically stick my fingers down my throat to purge it, i am able to do so just by thinkin it, and it will come up.. my body is trained to act on my want or need to do it, which is a pretty scary thing sometimes.. i didn't fully void all the food i had consumed, only a little because as i was, i was so disappointed in myself for falling back to old habits...

The overwhelming guilt i had for keeping the rest of that food in, however... i can't even explain, i had the inner fight with myself - and so now today, seeing that weight gain made me think back to "why didn't i just DO it".. now, i'm mad at myself for even thinking that. While i have the stinkin' thinkin' within me still, i also have the healthier thinking too, and know that i need to make changes.. so my thoughts get overwhelmed at times like i am spinning in circles and can't find my way!!

VERY thankful for this thread today - getting this out there, helps me see i CAN and WILL get back on track.. This is a bump in the road, not a reason to give up!

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

I never thought I had an eating disorder untill I had to face the fact that I had near eaten my way to being a diabetic,even then I was in denyal for a while.I mean fruit is healthy...right....bread is or was supose to be good for ya.I mean food is what keeps me going from one carb high to another day after day.What really brought it to me like a cold slap in the face was over the last mardi gras season,I was takeing some pies that had sat in the friges for a fue days so I desided to throw them away...I did ok till the last one,a pecan pie.I walked to the fridge to take it out to the trash on way out the door I picked up a fork ..one more bite for the road.....wrong...I sat on the trunk of my car at 10pm stuffing as much pie in my mouth as I could.I swear I heard a voice say, Hey fool look what u r doing,I stoped to c who it was then I realise it was my inner voice telling me each bite was like playing russian roulett one bite at the time.I had to finaly admitt I was ging to have to own up to my eating habits and fast.Over all now some months later I have changed my eating habits slowly one day at the time to where im in controle of what goes in my mouth.I journal every thing I eat and journal how I feel before I do anything..it has kept me acountable to myself.I have lost weight,inches and two pants sises,I have gone from 303 to 249 since January of this year.I have some more to go but I know I can get there and maintain it when I do.

First of all, a super huge congratulations to you on the weight loss.. wow, that's fantastic, seriously!
i often worry about diabetes as well and honestly, i have no clue why i dont have it, considering the amounts of food i have eaten , high in sugar, salt etc.. i get tested every so often and it always comes back with great sugar results, so ive been very lucky.. Not to say it wouldnt have happened if i would have continued though..

But i sooo know the feeling, on that binging and devouring the food and hearing that voice.. my voice sadly tells me the opposite, to keep going.. i know it's a bad thing and that's my fight right now, keeping myself accountable and making these changes despite what the inner me is telling me to do.. i kind of have to step outside of myself sometimes and look at the big picture, what my goals are and what do i have to do to achieve them.. But it takes one little mistake of putting something in my mouth that i shouldn't to throw me all out of whack..

i keep saying i am going to be faithful about journalling what i eat.. i started doing it a few times and never kept it up.. i do know its important to do, and should, because seeing it there in print would probably help me stay on track more..

thank you for sharing Rockinonahigh, i sooo appreciate it and keep up the great work!

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by sylvie

Ahh Gemme, the more i read this post the more i was nodding and soo knowing what you meant.. Especially with work, my work hours are a bit all over the place and when i work split shifts and 12 hour shifts, the last thing i feel like doing is taking the time to prepare something healthy AND working out.. especially after being on my feet all day - i still struggle with that today.. i do walk to and from work, which is only about a 10-15 min walk each way, but i think my body is adjusted to that now because i always walk to work.. So it's frustrating, VERY frustrating...

Yes, i did say that i would binge as much as my body would hold.. When i said that, i meant exactly what you meant cept it wasn't explaining it right, my body can hold much more than my appetite allows me, so my overeating is stuffing things inside me regardless of how full and digusting i feel, it 'is' a horrible feeling, especially when i finally shake myself out of my food coma and feel the effects of abusing my body the way i had..

My emotions of course take over, and i am SO hard on myself, and i get the negative thinking within, that im worthless and deserve to gain that weight back and it just shakes my confidence altogether that i've spent so long building up to keep myself motivated.. Then it becomes a vicious circle if i dont stop myself, now that i've binged and probably gained weight, i may as well eat that dang cookie, cuz its not going to matter.. Oh and well may as well eat junkfood for the rest of the day now and start new tomorrow.. my tomorrow really never comes, when i get in that frame of mind..

i know the bloating and feeling like a pregnant woman - i deal with that often too and it's strange when i stay on track, i notice mostly in my stomache that i lose first, so just goes to show what doing this to myself really does..

i'm so sorry about gaining your weight back Gemme, i didn't realize but you CAN do it, even when working.. We should work together and find ways to eat healthier and a workout routine around our work hours, i could really benefit from a healthier plan while working.. i do well on my days off or my short workdays, but i get myself in a real pickle when i'm working...

i also deal with emotional overeating, thats one huge stressor on my binging right there.. Monday, i got upset over the fact i had to delay the trip by two weeks to go see Mtn, i was to leave Sept 14 and now had to move it to Oct 3 due to passports - my heart was SOOO set on Sept 14.. What did i do? i lost control and overate , my portions were ridiculous and i felt SO awful for what i did, that i started again being hard on myself and again just not paying attention to what i was eating again and i really had to get myself back on track..

my weigh in today showed a 4 lb gain.. :: sad sigh ::
it's going to be a rough day, i can feel it.. i'm trying so hard not to be hard on myself, but 4 lbs in one week? takes me a friggin' week to lose 2 lbs!

thank you for sharing with me Gemme, and thank you for being happy for this thread, if any of you can use it or find benefit of having this thread here too, then that makes me happy.. i was scared to post it because a/i have a hard, hard time sharing this part of me, and b/i was scared no one else would understand or want to post in here..

i know it takes a great deal of courage to admit these things, and thought at least if i put it out there, even if people didn't post, someone might be reading and benefit from my struggle in some way to help themselves.. So, the same for any of you who post too, i really, truly thank you! Not only helps others, but me as well! ((((((((Gemme)))))))))

Thank you for your support, Sylvie.

For me, I find that working helps me to keep on track. Well, at least for the first part of the day. I have my fairly healthy breakfast of oatmeal, raisins, walnuts and skim milk and then I pack my lunch, which is usually a sandwich and some fruit. I tend to bring an extra banana in case I get hungry before my lunch. But then again, my lunch hour is set and my schedule is much more streamlined and routine than yours.

My trouble comes at night. I sit in front of the telly and zone out or play online and nibble at this and that. My switch that says "I'm full" doesn't work at night. I can, and have, put away more food in that one hour than I have all day.

I know it's largely a case of mindful eating. But that takes time. When I'm home, I multi-task. Even now, I'm here but I'm doing laundry and eating breakfast. Simply Orange juice and turkey sausage, which isn't horrible, but I'll probably add on something really bad like ice cream.

The structure of my work days help me and my days off are harder for me to control. I get that 'it's my day off and I don't want to do anything' feeling which leads to more laziness and general overeating.

I have developed a bit of a Coke problem lately too. Ebon and I have joked about it, but it's true. I used to drink soda once in a while and I'm now downing several a day. I'm drinking my calories, basically, because it fills me up and then I'm not hungry when I should be and so I wind up eating later....

Eh, I know I will work it out. It's just this time in between, when I'm realizing where I was and how far I've let myself slide, that's really difficult to deal with.

As for your weigh in, I have found that the most honest way to weigh in is right after I get up and go to the restroom, but before breakfast and coffee, etc. As you go about your day, you add food and drink that has sodium (water retention and bloating) and sugar and just weight in general. That's one thing that I learned a while ago and, when I do weigh myself, I try to follow those parameters for as honest a number as possible.

TD, I didn't know about the other ways to purge. The image of the "typical" person with a binging/purging eating disorder is pretty much burned in my brain from all those after school specials and news reports. Female, teens to early 20s, etc. even though I do know that males also battle eating disorders too and that it's not about the person's shape (big, little, medium...can all have one), so thanks for adding some clarification.

[sylvie]

Gemme,

i am SOOO the same way, i swear that it felt as though i was reading my own words right there..

At work, i find it much easier to stay on track too, mostly because we get busy with our shifts and then come breaktime, we have half hour which between that and talking with the others, it's pretty easy for me to stay on track.. i find it much worse when i come home, because i work til 7pm.. and i dont want to eat at work, the food isnt the healthiest there, but getting home at 7pm, showering and THEN eating, i find myself eating at 8 or 830pm.. course, going from our afternoon break til when i can eat at home without eating, by the time i am home im famished..

it's SO easy to fall off track because of this, so a real struggle of mine too.. i'm definitely a picker, grab a lil of this and a lil of that but i am not mindful to how much i am taking in altogether.. it never feels like much when i am just taking a bit of this and that..

i got myself off of sodapop back in April and can honestly say thats something i have NOT done since.. however, i will admit i was so down this morning, i threw change into the pop machine at work and got diet pepsi, and i took one sip of it, and the guilt took over and i poured it out down the sink and tossed the can to recycling.. Why i did it, i dont know. . i think i was so mad at myself for the 4 lbs, so i was punishing myself or something... i dont even crave it these days anymore, so wasnt that i was craving it at that moment, think i was just ready to beat myself up or something.. Glad (now) that i poured it out, that was the best decision i could have made today.. but, ugh! i know the sodapop frenzy well, i used to drink it all day everyday, til i quit it.. i was buying a big bottle of diet pepsi and drinking it all myself through the run of a day and sometimes going back for more! i didn't get water or anything else in my system, what a load of sugar!

my days off are also days i want to overeat, mostly out of boredom.. i could push myself out for a walk, or to exercise, and i feel more motivated to be good to myself, but when i am watching tv or playing here online, i want to eat out of boredom, or by habit because i always ate and snacked while watching tv or here online... especially when i binged..

Just right now, even.. sitting here spilling my guts about how hard it gets, it's taking everything not to go to the corner store and buy the potato chips and stuff i'm craving and eat it, ALL of it.. This morning, i prepared dessert for the residents for lunch, chocolate chip cookies , homemade.. Damn, why did i get stuck gathering those cookies all up and getting them ready??? They looked soooo good, but i stayed strong..

Well, sort of.. i went to the staff lounge, and sat at the table by myself and cried my eyes out.. Over cookies!

Thank you sooo much for the tip on weigh ins.. i weigh in at work, but maybe i should buy myself a scale.. i'm scared i will obsess and weigh myself constantly.. so figured i would weigh in at work, one of the managers keeps track of my weight lost etc for me, and i use her scale, she has a weight watchers digital one... i go once a week that way, but maybe it would be better if i had one on my own...

[Gemme]

Good point. For a while, I did obsess about weigh ins. I was also trying to learn better how certain foods/meals/etc affected my weight, though, so I'd weigh myself before and after working out to see how much I'd sweated out and after each meal and I can honestly say that I did learn some valuable things. But you are right...it is very easy to become obsessed with the numbers on the scale.

[Miss Scarlett]

When i was in my 20's i found myself fighting my way back from bulimarexia...an ugly cycle of binging, purging, restricting, obsessing, smoking like a chimney, living on chewing gum - sugarless of course and black coffee, exercising constantly well into the night, sometimes all night...

At the height of this i wouldn't eat in front of anyone; was addicted to laxatives (Correctol being my fav since it was pink) taking as many as the entire card of 15 tablets any time i put food in my mouth so food would pass very quickly; was also so addicted to ipecac that my fav pharmacies finally refused to sell it to me but i found it at a grocery store and bought every bottle they had as often as possible...

i wore designer clothes and looked wonderful (according to my Mom)...but i couldn't sit in a hard chair because my tailbone was poking out and it hurt, my hair thinned, my nails became brittle - they have never really recovered and 25 years later are still thin and misshapen, the enamel on my teeth was destroyed, sleep had become a foreign concept...i was so controlled by this i could go for 2 weeks or more without food and for a while wouldn't even swallow my own saliva...

Then Karen Carpenter died...

That got my attention because until then i didn't realize this could kill you and we shared a fondness for ipecac. i was scared and sought help and stayed in therapy until the behaviours stopped but never dealt with the underlying causes until going back into counseling last year.

i've had to accept that this will never leave me...

i've had to learn to love me just the way i am...

i've had to learn to accept that i will always be wary of every bite of food that goes into my mouth...

And i've had to learn that when my whole world seems to be spinning out of control i will always find myself wanting to fall back into some of those comfortable, familiar patterns, that there will be times when i will slip back into them...and when that happens i need to forgive and nurture myself...

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I'm not a binger and/or purger...I'm not a good thrower upper and if I am doing so, please get me to the hospital asap as it's usually a sign of me being terribly ill...but I do have an unheathly emotional connection to food.

For me, I'm not sure it's so much about control as lack of control. When I eat, I zone out. It's like freaking happy time for my mouth and I want more, more, more.

Last year, I started a food journal and workout log and worked out and really paid attention to what I was putting in my body. I felt better and lost a good chunk of weight. Then I started at my job and I was so darn tired from the commute and work itself (I spend at least a quarter of the day outside, which is quite wearing on the body in this heat) and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was think about what I needed to eat and/or working out.

It's taken the better part of a year, but I've gained all my weight back at this point. Now, I'm in that floaty place where I know what needs to be done, know that I can do it (after all, I just did it not so long ago) but the motivation to do it is just not there. And so, I sit here idling away. No worse, no better.

Come to think of it, I take back what I said earlier. I do binge. Was it you, Sylvie, that said 'as much as my body would hold'? Well, I go beyond that sometimes. To the point that I look, honestly, like a pregnant woman in the beginning of my third trimester. It's terribly uncomfortable and just makes me feel worse once I realize just HOW much I ate.

I appreciate you starting this thread. Motivation and celebrating the good things, small and large, are definitely helpful in gaining more control over one's eating patterns. I look forward to reading more.

Ahh Gemme, the more i read this post the more i was nodding and soo knowing what you meant.. Especially with work, my work hours are a bit all over the place and when i work split shifts and 12 hour shifts, the last thing i feel like doing is taking the time to prepare something healthy AND working out.. especially after being on my feet all day - i still struggle with that today.. i do walk to and from work, which is only about a 10-15 min walk each way, but i think my body is adjusted to that now because i always walk to work.. So it's frustrating, VERY frustrating...

Yes, i did say that i would binge as much as my body would hold.. When i said that, i meant exactly what you meant cept it wasn't explaining it right, my body can hold much more than my appetite allows me, so my overeating is stuffing things inside me regardless of how full and digusting i feel, it 'is' a horrible feeling, especially when i finally shake myself out of my food coma and feel the effects of abusing my body the way i had..

My emotions of course take over, and i am SO hard on myself, and i get the negative thinking within, that im worthless and deserve to gain that weight back and it just shakes my confidence altogether that i've spent so long building up to keep myself motivated.. Then it becomes a vicious circle if i dont stop myself, now that i've binged and probably gained weight, i may as well eat that dang cookie, cuz its not going to matter.. Oh and well may as well eat junkfood for the rest of the day now and start new tomorrow.. my tomorrow really never comes, when i get in that frame of mind..

i know the bloating and feeling like a pregnant woman - i deal with that often too and it's strange when i stay on track, i notice mostly in my stomache that i lose first, so just goes to show what doing this to myself really does..

i'm so sorry about gaining your weight back Gemme, i didn't realize but you CAN do it, even when working.. We should work together and find ways to eat healthier and a workout routine around our work hours, i could really benefit from a healthier plan while working.. i do well on my days off or my short workdays, but i get myself in a real pickle when i'm working...

i also deal with emotional overeating, thats one huge stressor on my binging right there.. Monday, i got upset over the fact i had to delay the trip by two weeks to go see Mtn, i was to leave Sept 14 and now had to move it to Oct 3 due to passports - my heart was SOOO set on Sept 14.. What did i do? i lost control and overate , my portions were ridiculous and i felt SO awful for what i did, that i started again being hard on myself and again just not paying attention to what i was eating again and i really had to get myself back on track..

my weigh in today showed a 4 lb gain.. :: sad sigh ::
it's going to be a rough day, i can feel it.. i'm trying so hard not to be hard on myself, but 4 lbs in one week? takes me a friggin' week to lose 2 lbs!

thank you for sharing with me Gemme, and thank you for being happy for this thread, if any of you can use it or find benefit of having this thread here too, then that makes me happy.. i was scared to post it because a/i have a hard, hard time sharing this part of me, and b/i was scared no one else would understand or want to post in here..

i know it takes a great deal of courage to admit these things, and thought at least if i put it out there, even if people didn't post, someone might be reading and benefit from my struggle in some way to help themselves.. So, the same for any of you who post too, i really, truly thank you! Not only helps others, but me as well! ((((((((Gemme)))))))))