Is it normal to grieve for so long

kannon · 08-30-2011, 11:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizzy

In between the birth of my first son and my second son I was pregnant and I lost the baby in the fith month. It was very traumatic for me and I still remember the doctor telling me that they could not find a heart beat. At the time I was seeing a male doctor who had the worst bedside manner. After having an awful procedure to stop my bleeding he told me that I needed to just let it go.That this happens to a lot of women and I would go on to have more children.Basically he just said get over it. My family was the type to just pretend your ok and smile,just keep going. So I did, I concentrated on my son and tried to move on.Eventually I had my second son 2yrs later.I would not trade him for anything in the world.Every year when Septermber comes around I think of that day in September all those years ago I still remember it like it was yesterday.I still remember the Doctors exact words.My anxiety levels go up, I start to get insomnia at night then I am cranky the next day.But I smile my day through work and then I come home and crash.Usually after a couple of weeks I start to come back around but year after year I go through the same cycle.I want to come to some sort of peace with this but every year I am just filled with such regret.

I'm sorry for your loss. The grieving process is different for each of us. I'm sorry to say that your pain may never fully go away. It's good that you are aware of the cycles so you can insulate yourself from other aggravating factors.

Gráinne · 08-31-2011, 12:08 AM

I am sorry for your loss.

I went through about the same thing 20 years ago, at four months -the baby didn't have a heartbeat. Every November, around the anniversary, it's still tough. It's not that it occupies my mind all the rest of the year, but that day is hard. I still hear the doctor telling me-and showing me-the blank ultrasound. When I had my children many years later, I could never look at the ultrasound screen and had them turn it away from me. That day, and the operation that followed, were the worst days of my life.

I don't think it ever really goes away, but what does help me is a simple little rememberance. Sometimes I write, sometimes I just "talk" to my baby. Whatever has meaning to you.

Know that you aren't alone, are not crazy, and that whatever you feel on that anniversary is all right. I am sorry the doctor was such a putz, but you can take care of yourself when emotions start rising.

If you need to talk, send me a message.

iamkeri1 · 08-31-2011, 03:30 AM

Today would have been my thirty-third wedding anniversary had my husband lived. He has been dead now for almost eight years. Our anniversary, his and my birthday, and the anniversary of his death are still very hard for me. The death anniversary is the worst, and what I go through is very similar to what you experince. He died three days after Christmas. I kind of force myself through Christmas and the day after for my kids sake, and then I just allow myself to have a period of mourning. This year was particularly hard for some reason I have never figured out. I have come to believe that these days will always be hard. If others don't like it, or don't understand, well I can't help that. I do what I need to do.

Losing a baby that you wanted is so awful. I am very very sorry that you had to go through that. Of course it doesn't stop you from being happy that you have other children and loving them like crazy. But one of your children died. To me it would be abnormal if you did not mourn your child's loss. It doesn't matter if other people chose/choose to ignore it. To me they are the ones who are wrong. I think they had good intentions, hoping to help you have less pain. They probably still suffer around the death anniversary. They just don't want to make you sad, so they don't tell you. If you feel like it (and ONLY if you feel like it) why don't you bring it up with your family. Sharing this sad time might make it easier for all of you.

I send you strength and a wish for increased peace.
Hugs
Keri

NJFemmie · 08-31-2011, 06:01 AM

My mother died when I was 14 - and I just turned 45. I still grieve, especially on her birthday and around holidays. The thing with that is, you can't let that interfere with your daily life. This may sound a bit harsh, but life does go on -- and although the pain and the emotions are still there (and always will be) - you do have to let it go, especially when you find yourself falling into a depressional rut. I have to force myself to think about other things - or concentrate on those around me.

Perhaps that differs from losing a baby, but I lost one too many years ago. My ex boyfriend was not as sympathetic and compassionate as I would have liked him to be - and I found myself bitter and resentful toward him for that, which made me hold on to the pain that much harder. When I realized that I had more to lose by holding on to it, I learned how to gently let it go and push on. I couldn't let his reaction dictate my emotions anymore. I realized that it just wasn't meant to be, and I had to be okay with that.

Your doctor should have been more gentle and compassionate with you, but more importantly, be these things with yourself. You can't always rely on others to provide what you need to provide for yourself. Everything happens for a reason even when we can't figure what the reason is .... you deprive yourself of happiness and peace if you don't make that peace within yourself. Let go and let God.

*Anya* · 08-31-2011, 06:16 AM

It is perfectly normal to feel the grief acutely on the anniversary of your painful loss. How could you not remember during that time period each year?

Allow yourself to feel what you feel, don't second-guess yourself or question yourself. Process the loss in any way that you need to.

Even if others do not understand, have peace inside yourself that to experience the loss all over again each year is totally OK.

My Nannie was the one person who loved me as a child. I would have been a far different person had I not had her in my life. She was the shelter from the storm for me until I was 10. Each year on March 17th, I give her thanks and allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling-usually a great deal of sadness. This does not mean I forget her the rest of the year but do feel it most sharply each March 17th.

It is normal to grieve each anniversary of our losses of those we held so dear to us.

DomnNC · 08-31-2011, 10:10 AM

Grief knows no timetable.

Diva · 08-31-2011, 10:56 AM

Everyone grieves differently, as some have said here already. There are NO rules except for the ones You make for Yourself. Be good to Yourself and embrace Your grief, as ~ IMHO ~ there is no other way than to meet it head on, because it's not going to go away.

Take Your power back from that wicked bitch, Death.

It appears You have learned lessons in the midst of this horrible event......You have learned compassion from the compassionless and communication from those who will not talk.

And therein lies the blessing.

MissItalianDiva · 08-31-2011, 11:01 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I think what you are going through is not only to be expected but perfectly normal. Regardless of the outcome that baby is still your child. You nurtured it and felt life inside you, developed an unconditional love and bond that only a mother can. As a mother I can not fathom going through what you have been through and not still grieving.

Take things one day at a time and remember that baby is still with you in everything you do. I know a lot of people say with death things get easier with time but I am not sure this applies to the passing of a child but I do wish you peace through this all.

08-31-2011, 12:08 AM	#2
Gráinne Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Neither, nada, out of the box Preferred Pronoun?: My name always works Relationship Status: Happy whatever happens Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Little Rock Posts: 1,864 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,117 Thanked 7,388 Times in 1,457 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I am sorry for your loss. I went through about the same thing 20 years ago, at four months -the baby didn't have a heartbeat. Every November, around the anniversary, it's still tough. It's not that it occupies my mind all the rest of the year, but that day is hard. I still hear the doctor telling me-and showing me-the blank ultrasound. When I had my children many years later, I could never look at the ultrasound screen and had them turn it away from me. That day, and the operation that followed, were the worst days of my life. I don't think it ever really goes away, but what does help me is a simple little rememberance. Sometimes I write, sometimes I just "talk" to my baby. Whatever has meaning to you. Know that you aren't alone, are not crazy, and that whatever you feel on that anniversary is all right. I am sorry the doctor was such a putz, but you can take care of yourself when emotions start rising. If you need to talk, send me a message. __________________ The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one. ~Erma Bombeck

08-31-2011, 06:01 AM	#4
NJFemmie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: The original lime-twisted femme Preferred Pronoun?: I answer to most things, especially lesbian. Relationship Status: Still loving my Mare ;) Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: New Jersey Posts: 4,683 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,343 Thanked 11,419 Times in 2,976 Posts Rep Power: 21474855	My mother died when I was 14 - and I just turned 45. I still grieve, especially on her birthday and around holidays. The thing with that is, you can't let that interfere with your daily life. This may sound a bit harsh, but life does go on -- and although the pain and the emotions are still there (and always will be) - you do have to let it go, especially when you find yourself falling into a depressional rut. I have to force myself to think about other things - or concentrate on those around me. Perhaps that differs from losing a baby, but I lost one too many years ago. My ex boyfriend was not as sympathetic and compassionate as I would have liked him to be - and I found myself bitter and resentful toward him for that, which made me hold on to the pain that much harder. When I realized that I had more to lose by holding on to it, I learned how to gently let it go and push on. I couldn't let his reaction dictate my emotions anymore. I realized that it just wasn't meant to be, and I had to be okay with that. Your doctor should have been more gentle and compassionate with you, but more importantly, be these things with yourself. You can't always rely on others to provide what you need to provide for yourself. Everything happens for a reason even when we can't figure what the reason is .... you deprive yourself of happiness and peace if you don't make that peace within yourself. Let go and let God. __________________

08-31-2011, 06:16 AM	#5
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,450 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	It is perfectly normal to feel the grief acutely on the anniversary of your painful loss. How could you not remember during that time period each year? Allow yourself to feel what you feel, don't second-guess yourself or question yourself. Process the loss in any way that you need to. Even if others do not understand, have peace inside yourself that to experience the loss all over again each year is totally OK. My Nannie was the one person who loved me as a child. I would have been a far different person had I not had her in my life. She was the shelter from the storm for me until I was 10. Each year on March 17th, I give her thanks and allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling-usually a great deal of sadness. This does not mean I forget her the rest of the year but do feel it most sharply each March 17th. It is normal to grieve each anniversary of our losses of those we held so dear to us. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

08-31-2011, 03:30 AM	#3
iamkeri1 Member How Do You Identify?: femme woman Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: solo Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Central Florida Posts: 905 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 302 Thanked 2,153 Times in 659 Posts Rep Power: 16642920	Today would have been my thirty-third wedding anniversary had my husband lived. He has been dead now for almost eight years. Our anniversary, his and my birthday, and the anniversary of his death are still very hard for me. The death anniversary is the worst, and what I go through is very similar to what you experince. He died three days after Christmas. I kind of force myself through Christmas and the day after for my kids sake, and then I just allow myself to have a period of mourning. This year was particularly hard for some reason I have never figured out. I have come to believe that these days will always be hard. If others don't like it, or don't understand, well I can't help that. I do what I need to do. Losing a baby that you wanted is so awful. I am very very sorry that you had to go through that. Of course it doesn't stop you from being happy that you have other children and loving them like crazy. But one of your children died. To me it would be abnormal if you did not mourn your child's loss. It doesn't matter if other people chose/choose to ignore it. To me they are the ones who are wrong. I think they had good intentions, hoping to help you have less pain. They probably still suffer around the death anniversary. They just don't want to make you sad, so they don't tell you. If you feel like it (and ONLY if you feel like it) why don't you bring it up with your family. Sharing this sad time might make it easier for all of you. I send you strength and a wish for increased peace. Hugs Keri

08-31-2011, 10:10 AM	#6
DomnNC Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Male Preferred Pronoun?: He/Him Relationship Status: Widow Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Permanently Banned 11/15/2011 Posts: 1,223 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,618 Thanked 2,582 Times in 837 Posts Rep Power: 0	Grief knows no timetable.

08-31-2011, 10:56 AM	#7
Diva Timed Out How Do You Identify?: Diva Preferred Pronoun?: Diva Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Chez Diva Posts: 11,879 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 9,263 Thanked 17,174 Times in 5,239 Posts Rep Power: 0	Everyone grieves differently, as some have said here already. There are NO rules except for the ones You make for Yourself. Be good to Yourself and embrace Your grief, as ~ IMHO ~ there is no other way than to meet it head on, because it's not going to go away. Take Your power back from that wicked bitch, Death. It appears You have learned lessons in the midst of this horrible event......You have learned compassion from the compassionless and communication from those who will not talk. And therein lies the blessing.

08-31-2011, 11:01 AM	#8
MissItalianDiva Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Miss Twiggy Preferred Pronoun?: Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and that shit doesn't sound atrocious! Relationship Status: divorce happens..all that glitters ain't gold Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: SLC Utah Posts: 2,284 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,768 Thanked 7,159 Times in 1,793 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	I am so sorry for your loss. I think what you are going through is not only to be expected but perfectly normal. Regardless of the outcome that baby is still your child. You nurtured it and felt life inside you, developed an unconditional love and bond that only a mother can. As a mother I can not fathom going through what you have been through and not still grieving. Take things one day at a time and remember that baby is still with you in everything you do. I know a lot of people say with death things get easier with time but I am not sure this applies to the passing of a child but I do wish you peace through this all.