Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

sylvie, i totally understand about a parent being a trigger. Mom was my trigger. All my life she ragged me about my weight with statements like: "Nobody wants a fat ______" , "My friends all say 'Your daughter has such a pretty face. It's a shame she's so fat.' Do you know how embarassing that is for me? Their daughters are all thin and pretty and look at you!" and "I am so ashamed of you."

Eventually my middle brother joined that chorus and my parents did nothing about his ugly words. Is it any wonder that i came to equate my value/acceptance/self-worth with my weight?

BTW when i was growing up i wasn't severely overweight...maybe a few pounds but nothing more. i was very much into sports, especially softball and swimming. i'd like to blame my eating disorder on pressure from a coach but that's not the case. When i was swimming fulltime my body was muscular and tight - i was in the best physical shape of my life but that was not good enough. It was the same when i was running.

It wasn't until the mid-80s when i was at the height of my bulimarexia and destroying my health that she considered me pretty.

All i ever wanted was to be thin enough to please my Mom so she would love me and i would no longer make her ashamed or embarassed. Rejection by Mom or anyone was because i wasn't thin...and i still struggle with that though it's not as strong.

After my recovery from being so dangerously thin i became dangerously obese...also part of my bulimarexia. That confuses many people because there is this misconception that you cannot gain weight with that disorder.

Mom's death in 2007 was devastating for me. We'd worked together for over 10 years and had become very close. But it was also liberating for me. my motivation for losing weight had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. It is also easier to overcome the desire to binge because most of the triggers are not as strong.

Counseling has been a godsend for me. Changing jobs from one city to another has helped and next month i am moving to another city which will further my healing.

Geez, i've been rambling this morning. i gotta get ready for work...

Wishing everyone here a wonderful day!

Remember to be gentle with yourself today...

(((Miss Scarlett)))
thank you so much.. truly.. & for always reminding me to be gentle with myself...something i need to do more of, i know this.. ♥

i know i need more counselling, i am looking forward to the course they want me to take , it's in October but i will be in Oregon with Mtn during that time but, they said they will let me know when the next dates are, it's a 4 week course and will help with the emotions alot and my stuck ways of thinking -- hoping it helps!! After that, i will be starting a group therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - which may be of help to me too, however that one on one counselling is what i feel like i need - because when i had it, it helped so much.. Hearing what counselling does for you, makes me see how much i need that in my plan to recovery, doing this myself just isn't doable, not right now anyway.. OA helps me alot to get my feelings out, or to just listen and learn - but it's not helping with the emotions and anger so much - at least yet anyway.. i think the more tools i can have right now, the better..

i dooo understand the triggers in family very well, between my mother and my father, as well as others , they can be very harsh with words... but my mother and i have really gotten a lot closer lately, though she does tend to be judgemental at times for the most part she is proud of me and wants me well and she encourages me to keep at it.. my father on the other hand, is the opposite.. He is an alcoholic, and the last few years i had been begging him to seek help, tried to intervene and just recently have helped myself in letting go so i'm not taking that on anymore, ive known him to be an alcoholic all of my life and since childhood have been trying to hold him together and take care of him, rather than the other way around - but right now, i'm finding help for myself and this is important to me and since he's not willing to help himself - i had to let go... But now his anger is really hard to take , even yesterday he said "oh go stick your damn finger down your throat" just to be mean, because i was standing up for myself (totally unrelated to my addicton) but about something else, but he throws this stuff in there..

The other day he was at my house here, visiting a few and he got my son to go to the store for him to buy a big bottle of sodapop (he knows i quit drinking it in April and he also knows of my struggle right now).. i thought because he has an addiction that he would be more understanding of my difficult journey - but it's been the complete opposite.. Once that sodapop came in (i had no idea he sent him to the store til i seen him walking in with it) and my father would pour a glass and come right up in my face and drink it, with the sound affects and say ahhhhh that's delicious, want some? So he sets me up to fail, constantly, he's not supportive and now it's at the point i had to tell him, if you are going to do stuff like that then dont come over - i know he's my father but seriously he can be so toxic for me at times... HE thinks i should just be strong and its no big deal, but that would be like me cracking open a bottle of whiskey and holding it to his face IF he were seeking help for himself.. He isn't though, so i guess he just doesn't get how damaging he is to me.

The comments about my weight, i get that from him too.. He knows i've lost some lbs, he is also overweight, and so he thinks nothing of making me feel like my 36 lbs lost so far was no big deal.. When i gained the 4 lbs, he laughed at me.. (how he found out ive NO clue) i work with my stepmother at the nursing home so i gather somewhere along the way it got to her who shared with him. BUT, he has always been harsh on me, namecalling and discouraging and setting me up for failure.. Those triggers send me reeling in that vicious circle, i want to grab the food and stuff my face with things i shouldn't as a big EFF YOU to him... Yet, that would just make him happy, if i think of it realistically, its what he wants.. Succeeding is what will truly work, and be best for me.. So i work harder, even after my down days..

i have many other triggers too, journalling helps some.. counselling definitely helped too...i think i will purchase some books mentionned in this thread as well...

i also understand some on the bulemarexia and being overweight.. When i was young, i was diagnosed with bulemia (i didnt know this til recently) but when i went for my intake at mental health, she went back in my files and told me, that i was then as well as in my early adulthood...Have i blocked this? i'm not sure, or maybe i didn't really understand, but she shared the intimate details she had of my childhood and it really surprised me.. But also helped me understand how it progressed into t his.. Here, i thought i just randomly started over 10 years ago but it wasn't the case at all, there was a sense of normal for me, it felt right and brought me peace and made me feel better, it took the pain away from r/l.

You said changing jobs helped and moving to another city would help your healing.. i often think about getting completely away from here, taking my children and just getting away from the chaos and negative people in my life and would that help me make a fresh start and get away from my triggers, the people who trigger me, situations that trigger me and places that trigger me.. it wouldnt help me escape my memories but, it's always been a thought of mine, just escaping it all.. i think though, realistically, right now what is important is doing the hard work, and finding ways to deal with the emotions, the temptations, finding things that work for me and developing a pattern for myself that will work for me overall to get some control on this.. Am i right? Running away right now probably won't help me, i'm too self destructive...So i cant rely on moving or anything to cure me, that's not realistic , i recognize this...

i'm rambling! eh!?
xox thank you Miss Scarlett, once again!
All of you help me get such a handle on being REAL about this - that's a wonderful feeling!

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

The comments about my weight, i get that from him too.. He knows i've lost some lbs, he is also overweight, and so he thinks nothing of making me feel like my 36 lbs lost so far was no big deal.. When i gained the 4 lbs, he laughed at me.. (how he found out ive NO clue) i work with my stepmother at the nursing home so i gather somewhere along the way it got to her who shared with him. BUT, he has always been harsh on me, namecalling and discouraging and setting me up for failure.. Those triggers send me reeling in that vicious circle, i want to grab the food and stuff my face with things i shouldn't as a big EFF YOU to him... Yet, that would just make him happy, if i think of it realistically, its what he wants.. Succeeding is what will truly work, and be best for me.. So i work harder, even after my down days..

<snip>

You said changing jobs helped and moving to another city would help your healing.. i often think about getting completely away from here, taking my children and just getting away from the chaos and negative people in my life and would that help me make a fresh start and get away from my triggers, the people who trigger me, situations that trigger me and places that trigger me.. it wouldnt help me escape my memories but, it's always been a thought of mine, just escaping it all.. i think though, realistically, right now what is important is doing the hard work, and finding ways to deal with the emotions, the temptations, finding things that work for me and developing a pattern for myself that will work for me overall to get some control on this.. Am i right? Running away right now probably won't help me, i'm too self destructive...So i cant rely on moving or anything to cure me, that's not realistic , i recognize this...

i would normally say "you can't run away from your problems" but in your case i think you need your parents out of your life. I believe you said in another thread that your mom was affecting your daughter's body image, and i'm sorry to be harsh but your dad just needs his heinie kicked!

You need to get a Mtn between you and them!

[dark_crystal]

good article

what full recovery from an eating disorder means

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i would normally say "you can't run away from your problems" but in your case i think you need your parents out of your life. I believe you said in another thread that your mom was affecting your daughter's body image, and i'm sorry to be harsh but your dad just needs his heinie kicked!

You need to get a Mtn between you and them!

i couldn't agree with you more dc, in fact Mtn and i had this very conversation last night - and He would love nothing more than to have that Mtn in between us.. Yes my mother does affect my daughter's body image, or she did until i talked to her when i found out, she hasn't anymore and felt bad about what she did.. but my mother did that very same thing to me through life, so i recognized it quick with my daughter..

Mtn will agree with You about my father - You arent being harsh at all, or well if you are, i know i need it.. but i definitely know what needs to be done and am actionning that, each day - more and more..

it feels great to break out of it bit by bit & i know i'm well on my way because the fact i am even recognizing what these things do to me is big for me and wanting to distance it feels healthy to me.. this is very, very 'good'..though i know he is my father, i know it's necessary for my own recovery!

thank you for that article dc, i'm on my way to check it out in a bit!
heading out for my walk right now, first ♥ hope you are having a great day!

[Miss Scarlett]

(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

[sylvie]

Today has been such a terribly emotional kinda day again..
i always think i'm strong enough to handle seeing people eat things i'm abstinent from - i put the brave face on...

and then when i'm home - i break down & am SO hard on myself..
it's so f*cking hard some days -
i'm calling for counselling tomorrow

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

mmmhmm, it's been a shock to her system since i've been letting go, lately.. She isn't liking that it's all on her, she was much happy to have me take care of him so she didn't have to.. i always felt a sense of duty since i've been doing it since the age of 8 years old pretty much, maybe a lil earlier.. but just lately, a lot of anger surfaced within me about his alcoholism and how much it runs my life.. i'm a single mother of two teenagers and it's been difficult to keep them, myself AND my father afloat.. Not the last time but the time before he was hospitalized, the doctor took me aside and told me flat out that what i had been doing all these years was enabling him.. i didn't see it as such, but since then and over the course of of this year, i've been seeing it more & more..

The last hospital visit not that long ago, i rushed him in (my stepmother called and asked me to) and i contemplated it and then told myself, this is it.. i'll take him, i will try getting him the help he needs and it's up to him if he takes it or not.. i will stand behind him IF he accepts the help, but if he doesn't, then i take care of me only....

he did not take the help, and both my stepmother and him make excuses why he can't do treatment.. my father doesn't work, he hasn't worked in years and years and really, he 'could' do treatment - he went to three AA meetings, and has decided that that was all he needed.. i hope it IS all he needed, but after 45 years of heavy drinking, i find it hard to believe..

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

He could quite very well be the biggest trigger i have right now..
Yesterday, i had a very bad day, he laughs at me, it makes me crazy.. i told the children no more sharing with him about my struggles, if he asks, tell him to ask me and shrug it off.. i have no problem telling him to quit it and leave me be..

i think the largest emotional struggle for me about letting go of my father, is that he isn't healthy whatsoever.. his heart problems, his liver function, his alcoholism, his high blood pressure, and every other little thing he takes medication for.. He just looks unhealthy, he doesn't take care of himself, eat healthy or exercise.. and i'm scared that if i push him away and something happens to him that i lose him, will i live with constant guilt for not doing it?

So now, i just go day to day, i push im out of my days and i just hope with all my might that he'll be okay the next day - and the next day and the next day - and i'm figuring ways to deal with that whole guilt thing i have going on.. a friend suggested some books to me in some email exchanges, and i think once i am finished the reads i am reading now, i just may pick a couple of those up - i know the guilt i feel isn't healthy, and that this is his problem, that i am taking on something i shouldn't.. he should be taking care of himself, as well as my stepmother, and i know that he's killing himself slowly, because that is his choice.. how does my guilt fit in there?? i have NO clue.. difficult to figure it out - because deep down, i'm seeing it's not on me..

Anyway, i know this is slightly unrelated - however it all ties in to why i am working on letting my father go so i can really stop dealing with that trigger, because it's making me crazy and making this so much more difficult for me..

So today - i need to just stop.. no more phonecalls.. no more anything... if he can't be nice, i need to let go for my own sake and sanity..

thanks for the advice and gentle push girls.. Though i already started letting go in ways, i really needed to see how toxic this parent is for my recovery... makes me sad, but i can work through sadness.. i just hope he picks himself off and DOES take care of himself from here on..

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"

thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))