Eating Disorders ~

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by Miss Scarlett

(((((sylvie))))) i'm sorry your father is so petty and cruel.

i agree with dark_crystal about putting distance between you and your father. You mentioned taking care of him since you were a child. That was never your job. He's an adult and, since you mentioned a stepmother, is married and has a wife to take care of him.

It's OK to let go of him and take care of yourself instead...heaven knows you are worth it!

mmmhmm, it's been a shock to her system since i've been letting go, lately.. She isn't liking that it's all on her, she was much happy to have me take care of him so she didn't have to.. i always felt a sense of duty since i've been doing it since the age of 8 years old pretty much, maybe a lil earlier.. but just lately, a lot of anger surfaced within me about his alcoholism and how much it runs my life.. i'm a single mother of two teenagers and it's been difficult to keep them, myself AND my father afloat.. Not the last time but the time before he was hospitalized, the doctor took me aside and told me flat out that what i had been doing all these years was enabling him.. i didn't see it as such, but since then and over the course of of this year, i've been seeing it more & more..

The last hospital visit not that long ago, i rushed him in (my stepmother called and asked me to) and i contemplated it and then told myself, this is it.. i'll take him, i will try getting him the help he needs and it's up to him if he takes it or not.. i will stand behind him IF he accepts the help, but if he doesn't, then i take care of me only....

he did not take the help, and both my stepmother and him make excuses why he can't do treatment.. my father doesn't work, he hasn't worked in years and years and really, he 'could' do treatment - he went to three AA meetings, and has decided that that was all he needed.. i hope it IS all he needed, but after 45 years of heavy drinking, i find it hard to believe..

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

He could quite very well be the biggest trigger i have right now..
Yesterday, i had a very bad day, he laughs at me, it makes me crazy.. i told the children no more sharing with him about my struggles, if he asks, tell him to ask me and shrug it off.. i have no problem telling him to quit it and leave me be..

i think the largest emotional struggle for me about letting go of my father, is that he isn't healthy whatsoever.. his heart problems, his liver function, his alcoholism, his high blood pressure, and every other little thing he takes medication for.. He just looks unhealthy, he doesn't take care of himself, eat healthy or exercise.. and i'm scared that if i push him away and something happens to him that i lose him, will i live with constant guilt for not doing it?

So now, i just go day to day, i push im out of my days and i just hope with all my might that he'll be okay the next day - and the next day and the next day - and i'm figuring ways to deal with that whole guilt thing i have going on.. a friend suggested some books to me in some email exchanges, and i think once i am finished the reads i am reading now, i just may pick a couple of those up - i know the guilt i feel isn't healthy, and that this is his problem, that i am taking on something i shouldn't.. he should be taking care of himself, as well as my stepmother, and i know that he's killing himself slowly, because that is his choice.. how does my guilt fit in there?? i have NO clue.. difficult to figure it out - because deep down, i'm seeing it's not on me..

Anyway, i know this is slightly unrelated - however it all ties in to why i am working on letting my father go so i can really stop dealing with that trigger, because it's making me crazy and making this so much more difficult for me..

So today - i need to just stop.. no more phonecalls.. no more anything... if he can't be nice, i need to let go for my own sake and sanity..

thanks for the advice and gentle push girls.. Though i already started letting go in ways, i really needed to see how toxic this parent is for my recovery... makes me sad, but i can work through sadness.. i just hope he picks himself off and DOES take care of himself from here on..

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

Anyway, all this to say, i no longer enable him, i no longer even ASK about the drinking, none of that.. so i've walked away from that part of his life, however now i am dealing with his anger.. and i think the reason for it is because he sees me, trying to help myself and he has no desire to help himself, so he sets me up to fail...

So yes, i really do need to step away from it all, sad that i live about 2 blocks away from him, so i'm apt to bump into him here there and everywhere, but i need to stop tolerating his crap.. No bringing the no no foods in this house, and if he cant stop doing it, i wont go to HIS house.. i no longer call him, and if he calls me and he's in a mood, i tell him i have to go, and i'm not arguing with him..

this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

this is a very big step- celebrate it for itself! yes, there are other steps to take, but for now, put some energy into strengthening these boundaries

have you been to ACOA meetings? They might be just as helpful as OA for you http://www.adultchildren.org/

You mentioned on Wednesday that you were calling for counseling. how did that go?

it seems like getting help is such a project! i remember my 2nd couseling session, after i had been sent home from my first with instructions to

1. see my primary Dr. for a physical to assess damage done to my body
2. find a nutritionist
3. find a psychiatrist and get on antidepressants

i came back the follwoing week, after spending innumerable hours tracking down providers and making sure my insurance covered them and getting appointments and referrals and all the rest

and told my therapist "CHEESE AND RICE! if i didn't HAVE ocd i never would have gotten through all the red tape for getting TREATED for ocd!"

thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))

[sylvie]

PS - to those who have PM'd me & emailed me, i will be responding sooooon.. i don't have time to tonight and tomorrow i'm taking a daytrip to get some things done for my trip to Oregon, but i will sit and respond soon as i can, just didn't want you all to think i forgot about you's.. And sooo appreciate the advice, the encouragement and YOU!

(((biggest hugggs)))

[dark_crystal]

Originally Posted by sylvie

thank you dc, for checking in with me!

counselling, has gone well, not great yet.. We have a major lack of resources here when it comes to eating disorders, sadly.. i called 2 different places that offer all sorts of counselling, and not one of them deal with eating disorders at all.. one of them even being mental health. today, i tried calling the EAP program through my work, and she said we only have short term counselling (which i did earlier on in the year, had 4 sessions, which was great) but we have nothing longterm, unfortuneately..

So my only hope right now, is that i can ask my doctor for a referral to a psychologist, but that will be costly, i'm researching at work if it's covered on our healthplan.. so keeping fingers crossed that this will work out.

i have been to an ACOA meeting just once, this was well before i recognized needing help myself for my eating disorder, and you are right, it's very much helpful like OA has been for me.. in fact, at the OA meetings, we use AA books.. i can't help but wonder, though, if i attended more ACOA meetings, if i might get something different from them in order to work through my situation with my father and his alcoholism.. Even if the program and material are the same, it's the people and the sharing that could be really helpful.. Thanks for making me think of this, actually..

the passed few days have been much better, in my strength and dealing with temptations, etc.. i can have numerous great days, and then have one bad day and swear it feels like it sets me back by a week or two.. funny how that happens...

i'm really anxious to get some counselling of some sort in though, i really feel like i need it, and have not talked to my father in 4 days now.. This could be a big reason why i'm feeling stronger these days, & more capable.. No one knocking me down - i still have to work through the guilt though..

i hope you are having a great week so far (((hugggs)))

i know what you mean about counseling being hard to find. i went six sessions to EAP and i really loved that lady, but when it ran out i had to find one covered by insurance and me and that counselor didn't click AT ALL. i ended up going back to my EAP counselor and paying full price. I also had to pay full price for my nutritionist

my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time

i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there!

[sylvie]

Originally Posted by dark_crystal

i know what you mean about counseling being hard to find. i went six sessions to EAP and i really loved that lady, but when it ran out i had to find one covered by insurance and me and that counselor didn't click AT ALL. i ended up going back to my EAP counselor and paying full price. I also had to pay full price for my nutritionist

my insurance didn't cover eating disorder at all unless i went inpatient, and having gone inpatient in high school proved so disruptive to my life that i refused it this time

i know it is hard. it seems like making the decision to recover is the hard part, but then when you try to put treatment together you find out the hard part has only just begun! {{{{sylvie}}}} hang in there!

that's what i am so scared of too, finding someone through my insurance and then us not clicking.. prior to even starting counselling, i had my mind set that i didn't want it and it wouldn't work for me, due to trying counselling in the past and it being a bad experience for me.. finally, i went to counselling through my EAP and honestly, within weeks that woman helped me work through so much of my stuff, i owe her a lot.. And after my 4 weeks, she referred me to Mental Health where i would get further counselling, or so she thought...

Sadly, they've nothing to offer counsellingwise where eating disorders are concerned, but, i am working with a dietician, going to my OA meetings and will do the different courses they're offering me.. One is called Crisis & Skills, which deals with everything from stress to being mindful to relaxation breathing, etc.. It's every Monday afternoon.. And then i will be starting another course called Craving Change, which is helpful in changing eating habits and wanting to lose weight etc.. So, even if they aren't eating disorder oriented, they have tools i can use for sure.. There are other courses available too , like self esteem and things like that which i will work on as well in time, don't want to do everything at once and overwhelm myself.. One course at a time..

i have a doctor's appt on Sept 21st, to get my test results and will ask her to refer me someplace for counselling in hopes she knows someplace else that can help, and if not, i'll break down and go through my insurance, they'll cover 80%, so that won't be too bad.. At least something!

In the meantime, i will be purchasing books that have been suggested to me, i love reading and could get a lot from that most likely too.. So making good use of my tools that 'are' available anyway!

i soooo agree with you dc, putting treatment together is one heck of a challenge.. it took so much to admit i needed the help, now that i have there isn't much out there to help.. it's one helluva scary journey to walk alone, thank goodness for the support and encouragement i get through Mtn & friends, or i'd be one lost girl...

((((((hugggggz)))))))

[sylvie]

Yesterday, i had to go on a daytrip, all by myself in a strange city..
i brought healthy snacks with me for throughout the day but when it came to lunchtime i realized i needed to make a decision where to eat - most places offer salads, but just being in the environment is hard when everything else is available and can smell the smells of grease etc..

i'm not a fastfood eater, never have been really but - since seeking help, i swear i crave everything from a fat juicy burger (and i dont even eat beef!) to pies and sweets and cake which i've never been a sweet eater either..

So, right now i just don't trust myself in any environment incase...
i walked until i found a Subway, which i know is a safe place for me, the no no smells are very minimal there, (dang their cookies always look SO good, lol) but, i did good, and drank water all day too..

Small things to celebrate but sooooo worth celebrating!

PS - just between the last post and this one, i got a call from a place i left a message for and seems they DO offer counselling for eating disorders, and i can get free sessions through work (4) and if it's something they determine i need for a longer period of time, they can apply for an extension!

How fabulous is that!? so i'm waiting for a call back! *crossing fingers*

[sylvie]

i'm a little frustrated in finding a counsellor..
i think my only route will be to pay for counselling on my own, and not through the various places we have here, because they do not offer long term counselling.. Nor will my work EAP support long term counselling, 4 sessions only - and if they think your issue is a long term one, they turn you away..

So, i have an appointment with my family doctor on the 21st, and have my fingers crossed that she can help as a last resort, and if the last resort means paying for counselling, i feel it's a must for me and i'll find a way - it is rather expensive but we have such a lack of resources, sadly..

i am taking the courses suggested, and attending meetings, as well as surrounding myself with as many tools as possible - i can do this & am trying with everything i have in me.. Because this is extremely important to me..

Heard this tonight, & liked it.. " we're not guilty for having it, but we're responsible for treating it.."

& PS - a super big thank you to all of you who have been messaging me privately, leaving reps and of course, posting in here, publicly.. i realize posting here publicly is also opening up your situation for all to see, and it takes a lot of strength and i recognize this & really appreciate it.. Because it also lends advice & help to those who read silently.. and i know they appreciate it too, so much...

((((huggggz))))