Ask a trans person!

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Thinker

Personally speaking, I don't feel I have to choose. And, no, I don't think there is a need to do so.

It may sound pretty basic, but that really is how it has been for me.......for us.

We lead a simple life together, and some of our local interactions are in places and with people who were around when I was not read as male. We don't act any differently now than we did when we were first getting acquainted with these people.

I don't feel that we should steer clear of those people who knew us "back when". I also don't feel that we should *only* socialize where straight people are........or *only* where queer people are........or *only* anywhere else.

And like MB said, I don't relate well to the "lifestyle" thing. This is my life, and I live it. Depending on what we decide to do or where we decide to go, we may end up with folks who are gay or maybe they're straight or any other color under the rainbow.

I'm not sure if I'm answering the questions of if I'm minimizing anything. That's not my intent, of course.

I've just never felt like I needed to choose.

I relate to much of what you said, particularly those things in bold. I respect each individual's desire to follow what they see as their path, even if it means turning away from the community that has supported them. I wonder if the sum of the experience for some, though, hasn't been one of support, when in fact they are just as likely to experience backlash and exclusion (but that's a different conversation).

Anyway. We live a simple life, too. We're just folks. We have to attend the company picnic (and be the only "non-traditional" couple in attendance), take the kid to her myriad social events, and go about our regular routine. I don't feel "other" until someone makes me feel so, which isn't really all that often.

I have a bit of a personal question, if you're game. At some point, it's likely you made the decision to dress in masculine fashion; maybe that first time you wore a suit to a family function, or in a non-queer social setting? How did that compare (coming out as a masculine butch), if there is any comparison, to "coming out" as male to "people who were around when (you were) not read as male?" In other words, were the experiences similar in terms of your own anxiety, or how people responded to you? (Hoping that makes sense.)

Originally Posted by Bit

Omigawd, Bent, speaking as a Queer Transensual Femme---YES, YES, yes, a thousand times YES, I felt I had to choose between my own identity and my potential partners' identities, between my community and theirs, between being queer and being straight... and omg the grief. I cried for months, trying to figure out what it meant that I was in love with guys who were straight and I still needed to be Queer, trying to figure out how I could have Butches and Transmen both in my life, trying to figure out how I could ever leave my community behind--and believing I would be forced to.
[snip]

Bent, I wanted to say thank you for your earlier post about my questions. It is so very difficult to avoid offending people when the subject is so fraught with difficult emotions to begin with, isn't it? I know that no one ever intends to offend... but sometimes there's just so much baggage from lifetimes of not fitting in, of thinking we're the only one in the world, of feeling ostracized by friends, families, lovers.

Thank you, Bit for speaking from the Partner Perspective. I read the first line of your post and turned to e and said, "of course - It applies to both sides of the relationship!" So glad you addressed this.

I agree that this subject, and all its permutations and off-shoots are fraught with emotion and potentially explosive. But I think as long as we remember to respect each person's experience, and remain open we can navigate it. Many of us (I know you, Thinker, me, and others here) were on b-f.com talking about this stuff before anyone even knew the term "cis-gendered." All we had was bio- this and that. Point being, we all had to learn along the way.

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Mister Bent

I have a bit of a personal question, if you're game. At some point, it's likely you made the decision to dress in masculine fashion; maybe that first time you wore a suit to a family function, or in a non-queer social setting? How did that compare (coming out as a masculine butch), if there is any comparison, to "coming out" as male to "people who were around when (you were) not read as male?" In other words, were the experiences similar in terms of your own anxiety, or how people responded to you? (Hoping that makes sense.)

Great question...

I would say I was *much* more anxious coming out as a masculine butch (specifically the haircut, clothing choices, etc...) than coming into my own during my transition.

And thinking about why, I suppose it's because moving forward with my transition was peaceful for me and felt like the right fit.

Does that answer it?

[Mister Bent]

Originally Posted by Thinker

Great question...

I would say I was *much* more anxious coming out as a masculine butch (specifically the haircut, clothing choices, etc...) than coming into my own during my transition.

And thinking about why, I suppose it's because moving forward with my transition was peaceful for me and felt like the right fit.

Does that answer it?

It does. Thank you.

Sometimes I have small anxiety (ok, maybe not so small) when I have to "come out" over and over again (to people who haven't seen me in eons, for example), but then I recognize that I am far more comfortable being ME for myself, than trying to downplay me for their sake.

[Jet]

Tell me, how do bio men receive you? Do some know? Do they react with kindness or are they rude or threatening? Have you been mocked by bio men who don't get it? Do you feel safe in daily life, bearing in mind that you'll exchange with bio men who may not know, but may find out.

Case in point:
I got in a fist fight and punch-and-kick bruhaha with my uncle. He's a Viet Nam vet with issues, Big Red 1, 6'4, traditional...you get the picture.

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

Tell me, how do bio men receive you? Do some know? Do they react with kindness or are they rude or threatening? Have you been mocked by bio men who don't get it? Do you feel safe in daily life, bearing in mind that you'll exchange with bio men who may not know, but may find out.

Case in point:
I got in a fist fight and punch-and-kick bruhaha with my uncle. He's a Viet Nam vet with issues, Big Red 1, 6'4, traditional...you get the picture.

From what I can tell, those who do not know I'm a transman don't think twice about me.

There are many around here who *do* know. Most of them do not treat me any differently than any other guys who are around. There is one in particular who is as kind as anyone could hope for; however, when given the opportunity he refers to my lady and me as "gals". We don't get him or his motivation, so we have chosen not to be around him anymore. He seems a bit off, and it makes both of us a little uncomfortable.

I haven't had any experiences where I was on the receiving end of hostility or ugliness. I do feel safe now (can't say the same was true pre-T).

[Jet]

You don';t even look like a girl and the guy says gals? Geezes that would send me right in his face and right through the ceiling.

Which brings me to another subject: roid rage
Did you experience any?

[Thinker]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

You don';t even look like a girl and the guy says gals? Geezes that would send me right in his face and right through the ceiling.

Which brings me to another subject: roid rage
Did you experience any?

Well, we recognize that his problem with me is just that.......*his* problem. I don't engage him on it because he isn't anyone we *have* to be around and, like I said, he's a little off. People like that make me nervous.

No rage here. Actually, I've been pretty impressed with how often I have been able to walk away from things that made my blood boil without saying a word. I believe that if I were to start, I'd end up going too far and making an ass out of myself. I don't want to be that guy.

[Dylan]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

Which brings me to another subject: roid rage

'Roid rage is caused by steroids, not testosterone (what you'll be taking). Roid rage is something that happens in the body building community by morons who don't monitor usage. They (usually) don't have a prescription, they buy their steroids over the internet (usually), and a whole slew of other things.

T doesn't cause rages. Depending on the frequency of your shot, your hormones will dip up and down...which will cause some edginess towards the end of your shot period (if you're on a 14day cycle...which is what most people start out on). This can be 'dealt with' by doing half a dose once a week, or by doing a ten day cycle. Your doctor can tell you why your hormones get out of balance in 14 days, or maybe someone here will go into it. You WILL have to figure out how to deal with the two hormones in your body towards the end of your cycle if you stay on a 14day cycle.

Here's the thing about the "T-rage" myth. It's a myth. People want to act like the only people who deal with hormone imbalances are transguys. Fact is, birth control is a hormone, most menopausal women are on hormones, older guys are on hormones, etc. Everybody gets wiggy when their hormones are changing. You'll probably find T actually calms you down (most guys do).


Don't Have Time For More Detail Right Now, Mama Wants Me To Go To Walgreens For Her,
Dylan