So what does being Bisexual, mean to you ?

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by betenoire

If Caroline loses her sex drive (because she was depressed, because she had had a hysterectomy, because because because) and Jonathan decides to cheat on her (With Judith or Samuel or Blake) because his sexual needs are not being met - I certainly hope that everybody who thinks I am mean today because I say there is no set of circumstances that justifies cheating remembers to dote on Jonathan and be understanding.

Bentenoire,

I appreciate your hard stance on this subject. But might I remind you unless you are IN the shoes of these people you will never begin to know and undeerstand how it is for them. You are a very strong person and I commend you for the view you have, that you yourself would never dream of cheating.

Nobody is here to change your thoughts and views!

What I see is some people with compassion and willing to share their life. Perhaps they are reaching out for guidance from us? Or maybe just an ear to get it off their chest.

I for one am not judging these people. Jesus I wasn't ever perfect growing up and still am not perfect.

[Dude]

I once met a couple (butch & femme together for 20 years) who were best
of friends, both married to husbands who were also best friends.
Apparently ,they realized their attraction for each other while the husbands
were away.
They allowed a few weeks for the whole thing to sink in and then told their
husbands and teenage kids.
It's called integrity and I believe the way they handled it, allowed them to
stay together for 20 years
My bet is they are still together.

[Sassy]

Originally Posted by Dude

I once met a couple (butch & femme together for 20 years) who were best
of friends, both married to husbands who were also best friends.
Apparently ,they realized their attraction for each other while the husbands
were away.
They allowed a few weeks for the whole thing to sink in and then told their
husbands and teenage kids.
It's called integrity and I believe the way they handled it, allowed them to
stay together for 20 years
My bet is they are still together.

And that is how things should go down. Kudos to people who live honestly and unapologetically.

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Bentenoire,

I appreciate your hard stance on this subject. But might I remind you unless you are IN the shoes of these people you will never begin to know and undeerstand how it is for them. You are a very strong person and I commend you for the view you have, that you yourself would never dream of cheating.

Nobody is here to change your thoughts and views!

What I see is some people with compassion and willing to share their life. Perhaps they are reaching out for guidance from us? Or maybe just an ear to get it off their chest.

I for one am not judging these people. Jesus I wasn't ever perfect growing up and still am not perfect.

Really? What BFP are you reading? On the BFP I'm reading, people try to change each other's thoughts and views all the damn time.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Bentenoire,

I appreciate your hard stance on this subject. But might I remind you unless you are IN the shoes of these people you will never begin to know and undeerstand how it is for them. You are a very strong person and I commend you for the view you have, that you yourself would never dream of cheating.

Nobody is here to change your thoughts and views!

What I see is some people with compassion and willing to share their life. Perhaps they are reaching out for guidance from us? Or maybe just an ear to get it off their chest.

I for one am not judging these people. Jesus I wasn't ever perfect growing up and still am not perfect.

You know, Strappie, if I didn't know any better I'd have sworn you were trying to Moderate me! (Actually, I thought you were. I pm'd someone to ask if you are a Moderator all of a sudden.)

(and, p/s - when someone says "what you said is flippant and short-sighted! and here is why!" they absolutely -are- trying to change my views.)

[J. Mason]

One question because I am like up in arms over this, why do people even care if someone is cheating or what others perceive as cheating? It is their life not yours so why be bothered with it?

I may get alot of flaming for this but I just wanted to put it out there as a thought to things.

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Anyone else wanting to get back on topic? I sure am.

I am bisexual. I figured out that I was bisexual in my early 20's, but I didn't actually have a romantic or sexual relationship with another woman until quite a bit later. In the years between, I made out with straight girls at party and got teased mercilessly by an acquaintance about being "bi in theory" because he'd never actually seen me with another woman. When I finally did start dating and having sex with other women, it was almost always as the bi girl in a threesome with a heterosexual couple. The lesbians I did manage to meet at the time wanted nothing at all to do with a bisexual woman, and I didn't know any other bisexuals.

I didn't actually have a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with another woman until I moved to Oregon and met my wife. It was such a revelation to finally meet a woman who I was attracted to who was also attracted to me and didn't think that bisexual women are all just confused, selfish disease vectors. We've been happily together and monogamous for five years, with no end in sight. I can say with confidence that I would never, ever cheat on her. If something ever did happen that resulted in one of us being unable or unwilling to fulfill the other's sexual needs, we'd discuss it and work out a resolution we both could live with (like staying together but opening up the relationship).

Since meeting my wife, I've heard a lot of things from friends and family. I've been told that it's great that I've finally "admitted" that I'm really a lesbian (I'm not and I haven't). A few people have been adamant that I *can't* be bisexual forever, I have to "pick one." Quite a few have assumed that we must be polyamorous because if I'm still bisexual then that means I have to have a partner of each gender at all times. I also get people giving me a sympathetic look and telling me that they were bisexual, too, before they finally came all the way out of the closet and admitted they were really a lesbian.

What I always tell these people is that just like other sexual orientations, I was born this way. I didn't choose to be bisexual and I can't choose to stop being bisexual. I was bisexual when I was 12 years old and playing with Barbies. I was bisexual when I was a sexually aware but inexperienced teenager. I was bisexual when I was exclusively dating men. Now that I'm committed and monogamous, I'm still bisexual. When I'm 100 years old and no longer physically capable of having sex, I'll still be bisexual.

If I had to pick a number, I'd say I'm a Kinsey 4. I am very sexually attracted to men but never really made deep emotional connections with the men I dated and had sex with. I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to women, which is the only difference that keeps me from placing myself in the exact center of the scale.

[betenoire]

It's totally irrational and I know that now, but I really believed for a long time that everybody is bisexual. I got over it a few years ago, but there you have it.

Now the truth: I am more sexually attracted to men than I am to women. However, I am more emotionally attracted to women than I am to men. So it's complicated. It's really complicated.

I have slept with more women than men. Not a tonne more, but more. I haven't had a "relationship" with a man since I was in freaking HIGHSCHOOL, but I clearly have slept with them since then. Since adulthood all of my "steadies" have been women. Probably I'm better at having actual relationships with women than with men because I just in general find women better company. Or possibly it's just turned out that way because I know way more women than I know men.

I would never cheat. That's not to say I'm perfect - I'm not. Do I think dirty thoughts about people other than my spouse? You're damn right I do! I don't think that's bad or abnormal so long as I never -do- anything about it - and of course I wouldn't.

(By the way: I irrationally for no particular reason hate the word "pansexual". (Possibly because it has the word pan in it and I don't find that sexy at all.) I prefer the word bisexual because average people freaking know what it means, so why complicate things by not speaking in a language that people around you can understand?)

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

The lesbians I did manage to meet at the time wanted nothing at all to do with a bisexual woman, and I didn't know any other bisexuals.

Been there, done that. In fact, my first real girlfriend was SUPER mean about the whole thing. I can't believe I stayed with that jerkface for nearly 2 years. (Okay, maybe I can. Sometimes I think I stuck it out to prove a point.)

I didn't actually have a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with another woman until I moved to Oregon and met my wife. It was such a revelation to finally meet a woman who I was attracted to who was also attracted to me and didn't think that bisexual women are all just confused, selfish disease vectors. We've been happily together and monogamous for five years, with no end in sight.

Okay now I am seriously all kittens and puppies about you and your wife. I'm -this- close to demanding a set of commemorative spoons. (I like happy people.)

I can say with confidence that I would never, ever cheat on her. If something ever did happen that resulted in one of us being unable or unwilling to fulfill the other's sexual needs, we'd discuss it and work out a resolution we both could live with (like staying together but opening up the relationship).

Which I happen to think is the grown-up approach to that sort of situation.

I also get people giving me a sympathetic look and telling me that they were bisexual, too, before they finally came all the way out of the closet and admitted they were really a lesbian.

I used to get that a lot from people who I was acquainted with (like, ran with the same circle of friends and went to the same parties but nothing more than that) if they saw me with a man. But nobody who actually knew me well has ever pulled that crap, thankfully. I think it would have really hurt me.

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Originally Posted by betenoire

Been there, done that. In fact, my first real girlfriend was SUPER mean about the whole thing. I can't believe I stayed with that jerkface for nearly 2 years. (Okay, maybe I can. Sometimes I think I stuck it out to prove a point.)

None of the women I've been with have had a problem with my bisexuality, but my first relationship with a woman was a trainwreck. In hindsight, I really can't blame her for everything, though. My first relationship with a woman was as part of a triad with a married couple. It did not work out at all well. It was only after I'd finally left them for good (after the 4th breakup, when I finally refused to get back together yet again) that it occurred to me that if her husband had to go to great lengths to "convince her that it was okay to explore her bisexuality" that she most likely didn't really have any bisexuality *to* explore. She just had a husband who really, really wanted to have a lot of threesomes.

Okay now I am seriously all kittens and puppies about you and your wife. I'm -this- close to demanding a set of commemorative spoons. (I like happy people.)

Aww. I'm seriously considering doing actual holiday cards this year, complete with a family portrait of the two of us with the dog and all the cats and the lizard. If I actually get motivated enough to do it, I'll send you one.

I used to get that a lot from people who I was acquainted with (like, ran with the same circle of friends and went to the same parties but nothing more than that) if they saw me with a man. But nobody who actually knew me well has ever pulled that crap, thankfully. I think it would have really hurt me.

Yeah, I never heard that from anyone that I'm really close to. Just casual acquaintances who I didn't mind not seeing again if they couldn't act right.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

None of the women I've been with have had a problem with my bisexuality, but my first relationship with a woman was a trainwreck. In hindsight, I really can't blame her for everything, though. My first relationship with a woman was as part of a triad with a married couple. It did not work out at all well. It was only after I'd finally left them for good (after the 4th breakup, when I finally refused to get back together yet again) that it occurred to me that if her husband had to go to great lengths to "convince her that it was okay to explore her bisexuality" that she most likely didn't really have any bisexuality *to* explore. She just had a husband who really, really wanted to have a lot of threesomes.

Oh sweet mercy, that sucks. I'm really sorry. That makes me sad/mad.

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Originally Posted by betenoire

It's totally irrational and I know that now, but I really believed for a long time that everybody is bisexual. I got over it a few years ago, but there you have it.

Me, too. I think most people who are bisexual go through a period of that. My personal theory is that we all need to feel like we're not alone, and so we try to convince ourselves and everyone around us that we're *really* in the majority, even though it looks like we're not.

My "almost everyone is bi" phase started after I learned about the Kinsey Scale. I figured that there were a very small percentage of people who were actually a Kinsey 0 or a Kinsey 6, and every single point between, from 0.01 to 5.99, meant that the person was bisexual, whether they were willing to admit to it or not. Hell, I thought if a woman who identified as a lesbian had ever even so much as kissed a man and not been totally grossed out by it, then that woman was actually bisexual. Thankfully, that phase was a long time ago and really short lived.

Now the truth: I am more sexually attracted to men than I am to women. However, I am more emotionally attracted to women than I am to men. So it's complicated. It's really complicated.

Me too, sometimes. I'll barely even think about men sexually for days or weeks at a time, then suddenly start practically drooling over every cute boy I pass on the street. I think I might be more attracted to men when I'm ovulating or something, but I don't have a period anymore, so I don't really know when I'm ovulating to be able to pay attention and track it. My sexual attraction to women other than my wife is less intense, but a lot more steady.

I have slept with more women than men. Not a tonne more, but more. I haven't had a "relationship" with a man since I was in freaking HIGHSCHOOL, but I clearly have slept with them since then. Since adulthood all of my "steadies" have been women. Probably I'm better at having actual relationships with women than with men because I just in general find women better company. Or possibly it's just turned out that way because I know way more women than I know men.

I'm exactly the opposite here. I've been with *way* more men. Like, literally 5 times as many. Mostly because men are so much easier. Not to have relationships with (my romantic relationships with men were almost always difficult and not very satisfying emotionally), but when I just wanted to have some no-strings sex when I was single. If I was in the mood but not in a relationship, I had no women I knew that I could call and I was never even once successful at picking someone up in a bar. I had at least half a dozen male friends, though, who I could call and they'd come right over. So easy.

I would never cheat. That's not to say I'm perfect - I'm not. Do I think dirty thoughts about people other than my spouse? You're damn right I do! I don't think that's bad or abnormal so long as I never -do- anything about it - and of course I wouldn't.

I agree. I think it's human nature to look and fantasize, and I don't see any problem with that.

(By the way: I irrationally for no particular reason hate the word "pansexual". (Possibly because it has the word pan in it and I don't find that sexy at all.) I prefer the word bisexual because average people freaking know what it means, so why complicate things by not speaking in a language that people around you can understand?)

Me too, but I have a reason. I'm not saying that this is true of everyone who IDs as pansexual, but I've heard several different explanations from different people about how it differs from bisexuality. Every explanation I've heard has been some variation on either "I'm sexually attracted to people of multiple genders, but I don't want to be associated with those dirty bisexuals" or "I'm sexually attracted to men and women, and even those weird trans people who don't actually count as men or women. See how accepting and progressive I am?" which I find to be incredibly transphobic. I've also been told that the term bisexual supports the gender binary by saying that there are only two genders. I don't think that's the case at all.

Homosexual: Attracted to those who are the same as you
Heterosexual: Attracted to those who are different from you
Bisexual: Attracted to those who are both the same and different. This could be any number of gender variations.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

I've also been told that the term bisexual supports the gender binary by saying that there are only two genders. I don't think that's the case at all.

Right, exactly. The "well you know there are more than two genders so that's why I am not bisexual!" partyline has always rubbed me the wrong way. Like they're explaining something to me that they presume is news to me.

[citybutch]

Sorry... you have a point... I was reading the thread post by post... sorry for any derail...

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

Anyone else wanting to get back on topic? I sure am.

I am bisexual. I figured out that I was bisexual in my early 20's, but I didn't actually have a romantic or sexual relationship with another woman until quite a bit later. In the years between, I made out with straight girls at party and got teased mercilessly by an acquaintance about being "bi in theory" because he'd never actually seen me with another woman. When I finally did start dating and having sex with other women, it was almost always as the bi girl in a threesome with a heterosexual couple. The lesbians I did manage to meet at the time wanted nothing at all to do with a bisexual woman, and I didn't know any other bisexuals.

I didn't actually have a serious, committed, monogamous relationship with another woman until I moved to Oregon and met my wife. It was such a revelation to finally meet a woman who I was attracted to who was also attracted to me and didn't think that bisexual women are all just confused, selfish disease vectors. We've been happily together and monogamous for five years, with no end in sight. I can say with confidence that I would never, ever cheat on her. If something ever did happen that resulted in one of us being unable or unwilling to fulfill the other's sexual needs, we'd discuss it and work out a resolution we both could live with (like staying together but opening up the relationship).

Since meeting my wife, I've heard a lot of things from friends and family. I've been told that it's great that I've finally "admitted" that I'm really a lesbian (I'm not and I haven't). A few people have been adamant that I *can't* be bisexual forever, I have to "pick one." Quite a few have assumed that we must be polyamorous because if I'm still bisexual then that means I have to have a partner of each gender at all times. I also get people giving me a sympathetic look and telling me that they were bisexual, too, before they finally came all the way out of the closet and admitted they were really a lesbian.

What I always tell these people is that just like other sexual orientations, I was born this way. I didn't choose to be bisexual and I can't choose to stop being bisexual. I was bisexual when I was 12 years old and playing with Barbies. I was bisexual when I was a sexually aware but inexperienced teenager. I was bisexual when I was exclusively dating men. Now that I'm committed and monogamous, I'm still bisexual. When I'm 100 years old and no longer physically capable of having sex, I'll still be bisexual.

If I had to pick a number, I'd say I'm a Kinsey 4. I am very sexually attracted to men but never really made deep emotional connections with the men I dated and had sex with. I am both sexually and emotionally attracted to women, which is the only difference that keeps me from placing myself in the exact center of the scale.

[sweetiefemme]

Originally Posted by citybutch

Sorry... you have a point... I was reading the thread post by post... sorry for any derail...

I am sorry too, cause I started it all.

[betenoire]

Originally Posted by sweetiefemme

I am sorry too, cause I started it all.

You didn't start anything, I promise.