PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Canela]

I know this probably goes in the "quotes" thread, but I read it today and thought I would share it with all of us here...

A road well begun is the battle half won.
The important thing is to make a beginning
and get under way…

Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855)
Danish philosopher and writer

Love and blessings to you all,

Little Shug

[HeartBreak Kid]

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

[Andrew, Jr.]

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated.

God bless you,
Andrew

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Heartbreak Kid,

I have heard of that before, but can't remember where from. It is anger turned inward = depression.

That is a horrible place to be. I think at one time or another we were all there. It just took so much energy and strength to live. And in living we are beating our abuser(s). They are the ones who failed us repeatedly.

Thank you for your post. It was so well stated.

God bless you,
Andrew

I love this too, Andrew, "and in living we are beating our abuser(s)"...amen!

[Gemme]

HB Kid, I'm not familiar with Jaramillo's work, but it's true. The truly sinister part is that a lot of us don't realize what we are doing to ourselves until it's done.

For myself, I've sabotaged relationships, good things, time, good feelings in general, but especially my self feelings...self-worth, self-esteem, self-image...as a result of this inner abuse I put onto myself when it wasn't mine to do to begin with. My cup runneth over, they say, and I know that mine did and when it did, I did turn outward. I did rage. I did strike out, but not until I had filled me completely and had nowhere else to go.

The last line..."There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me."...is true for me, to a degree, even today.

[DELSDAUGHTER]

Thank you all for these posts...it is really opening my eyes..about a lot things
about my past as well as my past relationships..or should i say lack of....and is helping me understand the people i have been involved with.

do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by DELSDAUGHTER

do you find as a person that has lived thru such abuse and trauma that you tend to be a rescuer in a relationship?

In the past, yes, I have been. That's no longer a role I'm interested in playing with adults. I still haven't gotten kids out of my system and honestly probably ever won't. I would move Heaven and earth to keep a kid from being abused or hurt.

[Canela]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

Wow.

I read this and kept seeing flashes of my life pass thru my mind...self destructive, self mutilating, self loathing, suicidal--over 25 years--that was me...It was a vicious cycle and exactly like the last line of your post, the abuser in me wanted to kill the victim in me...until I finally gave up trying to fix everything myself and handed myself over to my higher power. And then, it was over. Praise God. But this post of yours is so right on. Wow.

I'm just kinda sitting here writing this in a haze...*s...but this too shall pass...

To me, honesty and reality are the best antidotes for lingering ghosts...

Thank you for sharing this.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

In those moments when I am too weak to think, I turn to my books....I try to find inspiration on the pages, I look for my life in between the lines.....
A good friend wrote some great things before I even knew she existed..I cannot explain what it is that I am feeling but she can........

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

I just wanted to thank you for this post. Some days, like today, a person really just needs to hear this coming from someone else... somewhere else... just so your soul knows beyond any doubt that you are not alone in the way you feel. To see proof that you aren't the only one who has to struggle not to do this to themselves.

[HeartBreak Kid]

"THIS" is NOT a cry for help. Nor is it a call for support, acceptance, understanding, or sympathy. I am not asking for prayers, thanks, or even acknowledgment.

"THIS" is a person, a girl, a mother, an abuser and an abused woman sitting in the dark in a house with "family" that are as alien to me as I to them.

*I don't know them, they don't know me......we co-exists, each a sovereign planet orbiting around each other. Occasionally through the sheer will of ones gravitational pull.......we collide......and we speak something real....do something real.....then as predictable as the sun rising each morning........we disengage, and become alone..............
............again................

Today -
*I Feel like a star.......a tumultuous ball of gas giving all my warmth and light to everyone who seeks it...................
.......................When was the last time YOU thanked the sun?

My star.....is anxious....paranoid......confused.....but mostly tired......I have been spinning and shining and providing.........I want to rest............
....................So I wait..................

To Super Nova...........to self-destruct...........it takes so long........ I fight to pierce myself....but i cannot....the knife, the razor, the scissors are never sharp enough to bleed out.........
......................I have scars...............

I can feel the change.....The Super Nova is coming......But it tells me it needs my help............I cry out to light...............beg to learn the secret to extinguish it forever..................
...................no answer.........

Well, what is the next step......I need to burn hotter......so I may burn out......

I love harder, I hate harder, I give more, more more more....adding fuel to my fire........I cry tears.....My face is wet................
.......................I feel nothing.............

There has to be a way.....I need more....harder...rougher......dirtier.....hatefill ed....self loathing.....so i may explode.......... a brilliant, blinding blight..........
...........Removed..........

But my light, while smaller and dispersed......will shine, from afar...........
..................forever................

[HeartBreak Kid]

Someone who self-injures is caught in a whirlpool of sorts. The one thing that we depend on is something that is considered bad for us. So we have to build an elaborate web of deceit, much like someone hiding a drug addiction. This hurts us as much as it does you. In fact, it contributes to our downward spiral. We lie, feel guilty for lying, cut ourselves to alleviate the guilt, then it starts over — we have to lie again. Tomorrow will be better, we tell ourselves. Tomorrow I’ll do better; I’ll start over, a clean slate. Only every tomorrow turns to today, and we always ruin today. We spend our lives chasing that tomorrow, that tomorrow that never comes. We cut our skin, trying to carve our imperfect bodies into something pure and beautiful. We hurt ourselves physically to ease the pain that ravages our insides. We hide behind our scars because we don’t know what we are deep inside, and what we do know we are, we hate. Growing up in a world that hates us, we just never learned quite how to live. And it’s as simple as that. No sideshow freaks, no scary psychotic asylum patients… just a bunch of people who are essentially broken in some way, waiting for the day to come when they will find the strength to fix themselves. And that day will come. Eventually they will realize they’ve hit rock bottom. “And that there is, in fact, an incredible freedom in having nothing left to lose.” (Hornbacher, 279).

[Canela]

I'm here. And I'm glad you're all here, too.

Leaving you all many blessings,

Shug

[Andrew, Jr.]

Little Shug,

I am so relieved and happy you are here. You bring comfort to so many of us.

Love,
Andrew

[Selenay]

Originally Posted by HeartBreak Kid

One way women have had of coping is to withdraw - to go into your own space, to be depressed. Instead of attacking and venting anger, you turn it inward, against yourself, so that you get to feeling really depressed: You're not good enough; you fucked up . . . You say all these bad things to yourself. It's like beating, self-abuse. You're beating on yourself with these words and these messages that there's something wrong with you, because you didn't complete this or that task; and look at you, you don't have a relationship; or, look at you, you messed up on your relationship......... it's a constant abuse of self, a violence against the self. Some days, it's easier to take than somebody else abusing you, so what you do is you jump in and abuse yourself, before somebody else can do it.

I had gotten so down on myself, I mixed pills with alcohol. I almost suicided. I came very close to dying. This crisis brought me to the realization that to kill yourself, that's the ultimate mutilation, the ultimate abuse.......
There was an abuser inside of me, who was trying to kill the victim inside of me.
~"On Changing Identity" © 1991, 2006 by Canéla A. Jaramillo~

I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here

[Andrew, Jr.]

Does anyone still have flashbacks? This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Selenay

I love this piece, but it was not written by Canéla. Canéla transcribed an interview with Gloria Anzaldúa, so the quote belongs to her.

You Can Read The Rest Here

A powerful read...thank you for sharing this, Selly...big hugs for you.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Does anyone still have flashbacks? This is how I perceive my ptsd.

Andrew

Yep.

This last year so many of them...I think that the Brain Spotting therapy I am having is helping.

I think flashbacks pretty much describes ptsd to a t.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Ohhh yes. You are right about that Apocalipstic! And it isn't a pretty picture either. I hate being on the receiving end of them too.

[Jet]

More than anything in this world, on this day in this moment at this time in life I wish I had courage for the adversity I'm about to face. The first time, I had endurance. Now I'll found out what I am made of and what I am not made of, who I am and who I am not. I'm here online busying myself, trying to grasp and process things coming to light. Past and present, light and dark, heaven and hell, cowardice and courage, strength and weakness, the seen and unseen, life and death. God help me through this. I wondered what makes a man. I asked and it cost me my life and damn near my soul. My heart is faint and there is no one but God and me and a night in Rio Rio and the reason for it. Sorry to be cryptic, but typing this allows me to process my thoughts online as a link to the outside and something that feels sane right right now in my fright. This is and was my PTSD, and there is far more than I remembered. Now, I'm facing all of it and maybe now—finally—the devil will stop laughing.



Your fellow member,
an ol' Jet in all foilbles
2/18 5:22 EST