Ireparably Broken?

[RadiantYearning]

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

[Starbuck]

I went through a similar thing after my abusive ex-husband. I was completely numb, didn't know if I could feel love towards anyone else, much less myself, I didn't care about myself, I didn't see a future for myself, couldn't sleep, had nightmares of the same thing or similar things happening again, I just felt miserable. But the worst part was having to turn to my then partner and telling them that I didn't know if I loved them, when I knew I should. I just didnt feel anything! I was then diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You don't have to be in an abusive relationship to have it, it can happen after a car wreck too. So keep it mind, okay hon? If you feel like you need help, there is no shame in getting help!! Whether it's PTSD or depression, it's as real as heart disease or diabetes and it's not "just in your head".

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Yes been there. Emotionally abusive relationship and all. Often I said I cried until I couldnt feel anymore. I was in a bad place inside. Sometime during all the chaos I lost myself.

You are right. It is up to you,but it doesnt hurt to have a great support system. What finally helped me snap out of it was doing things for me. I made a list of all the things I wanted to do that I had missed out on. Everything from wearing skirts again to travelling. I then began a healthy routine. This helped make time for me. It wasnt until I learned to really love myself that I was able to open up to others. I just came back to life.

Every now and then I get into a funk, but I,surround myself with those I love and its healing.

Good luck on your journey. Remember, it starts with you

[SoNotHer]

and thank you for it. I think it is hard to make the transition out of an abusive relationship into a positive one, and all I can tell you is that I'm there. And I don't always know what will be pull me back or shut me down. But I'm learning, and I like the people who are coming into my life again and anew after a three-year vacuum.

Your name suggests to me that you hope, feel and desire deeply. So do I. All good. We just have to do what we need to do for ourselves in these interstitial places of healing.

I don't just want good or better or safer next time. I want the one who fulfills the quote I posted in the "random" thread - the one who makes it clear why the others never worked out.

Take care of yourself in this time. It will happen again. Promise. :-)

[Gráinne]

I think a better question would be, Who hasn't been there? Certainly, I have, and I know advice like "snap out of it" or "just start dating again" doesn't work.

However, having said that, there is such a thing as getting "stuck" in that protective little place, never working through things so you can move on. By walling yourself off from all feelings, you avoid getting hurt, yes, but you also miss out on life's pleasures, too. That's where professional help may be something to consider.

One thing just to think about: if you had an emotionally abusive relationship with your ex, is keeping her in your world a help or a hindrance to your moving on? Unless your ex has done a lot of work on himself, be real sure that you aren't playing the same games and patterns now.

[RadiantYearning]

Thank you, you've all had such wonderful things to say ...

Starbuck ... I met someone about a year or so ago that I dated very briefly. And you're right, looking at her and saying, I love you but I don't think I'm capable of falling in love with you broke my heart as much as hers because she was a lot of the things I thought I needed in my life. I never considered PTSD but I am currently in counseling.

LittleMs ... I'm working hard to find myself again. There are so many things that I let derail because of this relationship. My support system fell apart in the midst of it all and so my support system became my one good friend who has listened and stood by me regardless. One thing I've focused heavily on is improving my physique and working out, exercise has so many positive benefits. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I'm happy to hear that you've been able to heal through it all.

SoNotHer ... *big hugs* I love positive people. Thank you for your radiant words and I'm very happy for you. I hope your world continues to be a happy, safe one for you.

Guihong ... I'm in counseling but oddly enough I've never addressed the extent of damage from the emotional abuse with my counselor. My ex and I have remained in contact throughout the break up and even as recently as late I feel hym pulling at my heart strings in some regards. Hy claims that hy has changed dramatically but I don't see the actions to accompany the claims of change, if that makes any sense. I know that isolating myself from hym, at least long enough for me to heal, may very well be something that I have to do.

Thank you all for sharing and caring with a stranger ...

[SoNotHer]

My pleasure, RY. I have found that working out again and focusing on my health has been a great way to reclaim something.

After a period of less and less contact, I finally had to get to the place of no contact with my ex, thus ending everything but the memory of the abuse, which is enough to deal with. I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

Do what's right by you and for you. That's all you really owe anybody. And put that big love into things like working out, or painting, or long walks, or visits with friends or whatever you know will bring you joy without guilt, shame or pain.

:-)

[RadiantYearning]

Originally Posted by SoNotHer

I guess I had some notion that there could be a soft landing, but at some point, it was clear to me every communication, regardless of the content, was taken as a sign that we might get back together.

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. I ended the new relationship because my heart was still aching for my ex, despite the damage that had been done. I think about this ended relationship a lot lately and how much I hurt that other person who was an innocent person in my disaster. I think about whether or not my ex has changed as much as hy says hy has.

So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

[SoNotHer]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

It's amazing the similarities in situations. After I had ended the relationship, very straight-forward and very specifically, my ex still considered that I was cheating on hym when I started dating this other person months later. So much damage has been done that I am cold hearted now. I want to be able to love with heart and soul again. There have been times when I see a glimmer of hope ... but then other times, like tonight, when I wonder if I'll ever be capable of giving myself wholly to another again.

I would have had the same response, RY. As much as this sounds like a cliche, love became obsession/possession. And anything and everything I did for my own self was construed as some kind of betrayal.

My soul had stopped growing, and I knew every time I was abused, some part of me went under. I did not think about resuscitation. I did not think about resurrection. had no idea I would ever need to think such stuff. I thought I was resilient. I thought I could take it all. I thought, I always thought, things were always just about to get better.

All I can tell you is that the quality of the people I am meeting now is far superior to anything I knew or let myself experience. I don't know how much of me is still buried, is still lost. But when dear friends start coming back into me, friends who my ex alienated, and they tell me that they are seeing the return of me, I take that as a very good sign.

That you are even asking this and reaching out to people is a very good sign. There's a part of you that very much wants to believe again. And with your wits about and the lessons of this learned, you will find that shining knight. Truly. :-)

[RadiantYearning]

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

[SoNotHer]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

Truly, what torments me more than anything tonight is the person that I hurt in all of this. I've been having nightmares about her and thinking about her. I remember the tears rolling down her face when I told her that I loved her but that I wasn't in love with her ... she said to me, but I am in love with you, what went wrong? I had no answer for her. I have this urge to email her and apologize but I don't know if there's any point to that ... such a haunting night for me.

What is the worst that would happen if you did email her? She might be angry with you or not respond at all. But at least you let her know. And I am sure some part of her knew that you were in this place. But she may also really welcome hearing from you.

You may have read Arwen's tarots posts. They're quite good. One of them for my sign was about cycles and about letting go of a love to let love come in again and cycle. It was also about helping other people.

I think love does cycle, and sometimes the things we do show an immediate effect, and sometimes they just plant a seed. If you contact her, it may give her some understanding or at least resolution, and if she's angry with you, just know that that will pass and that that's where she needs to be.

If you're still thinking about this and even haunted by it, you may both have a much stronger connection than either one of you realize.

[apretty]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship?

In addition to feeling disconnected from people and myself I also felt completely unwilling to try again, let alone let anyone else into my heart.

Finally, I sought therapy and began working on myself--I also had to look at what made me stay with that disgusting, lying, cheating, pig-fucker, and own my part in choosing someone like that and allowing it to go on as long as it did. Thankfully I had an amazing couple of therapists and it's been about 5 years now and it seems like a lifetime ago.

Also, I learned from my mistakes and didn't repeat the same ones: When people came into my life--Kindness, honesty and integrity mattered most. I was highly critical and won't apologize for it--I didn't stand for lies and inconsistencies and I didn't want my time wasted, or theirs. I was looking for different things when I dated--someone that I could trust, eventually and someone who wouldn't rush my process--If they didn't allow me that then it wasn't a match. Thankfully E came along and I love that someone is always on my side, even when we absolutely disagree--He's always "for me."

[*Anya*]

Interesting thread. I know what has shaped me to be the person I am, I have insight into myself, my behaviors, how my thoughts impact my actions but yet, too many times I found myself back in the same place, saying WTF- u did it again?!

Physical/emotional abuse by parents/marry @ 18 to escape their prison to move into a new one with my physically/emotionally abusive bio husband, fell in love with my first GF but someting was missing- oh yes, she treated me like a queen. Unused to it. She was a dear but she was a femme and I didn't feel that powerhouse sexual attraction.

Then I met my butch. Instant attraction. She was so bright, funny, charming, 3rd year law school (till the frontal lobe brain tumor took her logic, ability to make good judgments away but left her with lots and lots of id-the Fruedian type of id- where she would fuck any hot girl possible, followed bybtears, apologies, it will never happen again but it did, couples therapy, piles of emotional abuse for me and my two daughters that couldn't help but know the house was so tense it could have been cut with a knife. Yes, I took my daughters to counseling too, even though they hated to go. They needed a healthy place to process to.

Numb, yes, pretty much for 6 years. I haven't even really dated all this time.
It seems so simple to tell someone: just take a chance. That my be easier to say if 50% of the chances you have taken in your own life were good ones. It is not so easy when 80% of those chances were bad ones for you.

I am not totally numb now. I see sparkles of light coming through my living room curtains. I saw the sun shine on the water and heard the waves yesterday. I was reminded that there is still life to live. I don't exactly know how yet but have to believe that there is one more woman for me out in the world that I can fully trust and again open my soul up to some fresh air.


I know this has not been a good day for me. The loss of my dogs is a trigger for me of abandonment-that I know. The whole thing is like a giant ball of yarn in all different colors. Each strand represents a loss I have had. I should probably put it on a barge and drop it in the ocean (as long as not harmful to fish, etc that live in the ocean). Maybe I will do one for myself, symbolic of the losses & then set it on fire or something. Have to give that thought.

Sorry for the ramble. I can't sleep, it's 11:36pm and I have to go to work tomorrow. Good night.

[macele]

these are things i know for sure.
no advice here, just sure things.

we have to get rid of the junk that is bringing us down.
then our hearts can move on, heal ...
be grateful, thankful.

we can fall in love again, ...
with a person, place, or thing.
the heart needs to detach and reattach.

the heart doesn't ask permission to love/to fall in love.
even those that don't deserve.

timing is everything. a time to stay, a time to leave, etc.

ask for help.
whether it's professional
or from those everyday angels that are waiting
to pick us up and give us a soft shove in the right direction.

fear comes in so many shapes and sizes.
happiness can't live in fear.

our entire beings tell us when we need change.
we know. but sometimes we've let it build up so high
before we try to change ...

feeling unworthy, mistakes, feeling like we can't ever be the same,
like we've screwed it all up so much ... why try --
we hurt and we go numb thinking that will stop the hurt.
we feel overwhelmed.

we are special. you are special.
i hope that you reconnect with your heart soon.

[Sachita]

I spent almost 3 years in a haze of anger, sadness and loneliness. I decided to channel all of that into something positive for my life and focused on my home and businesses. After a few years I did date some but nothing held my interest or came close to what I had.

But there was someone who woke me up in a very deep passionate way. It was intense and I felt myself come alive with passion like nothing ever before. But it was crazy and for years a bit insane. I often said if I could combine these two people I would have the ultimate mate.

My salvation through both of these is meditation. I turn inward and build emotional strength within me. I try not to focus on how I feel about others and when others move into my emotional space I quickly move them out unless that are feeding my spirit. These days is much quicker probably because I feel weaken by this last love/lust interest. It's a hard thing to shake even though I know loving hym always hurts me. But pain brings growth and change. In fact I am convinced that all love, even painful is intended to teach us to love ourselves if we chose to allow it.

[Amber2010]

I spent years disconnected because of betrayal and hurt from someone I loved with all my heart. Still to this day this seems to happen to me. The ones I trust the most seem able to hurt me the most. I think sometimes I trust to much and love unconditionally that I put myself in these situations. I do finally try to focus on myself. I can't change how this person acts or feels towards me I can only change my attitude and try so hard to move on. Exercise is a release for me. It helps me sleep and get through the night without thinking what did I do to derserve this. I am trying to tell myself I didn't do it that if I can't be accepted as I am I must move on and not let my life be ruined by this person. No matter how much I love her I must move on. It is just so hard to do!

[nobelcarrot69]

I don't know anyone here and I'm just starting out on this site. But if I may share my experiences for what they are worth. I hope I'm not crossing a line being new here. Yeras ago I was with a compulsive liar. Typical story I suppose, although nothing seems typical when it's YOU it happens to. She contantly lied about everything, cheated on me, and sucked me dry financially. Left me to clean up all the messes she created. I was angry, brokenhearted, confused, depressed, I felt so many different things on any givien day but none of them were pleasant. I was overwhelmed with grief and knew after 5 months of not making any leeway, I needed help. After 3 years of therapy I see things for what they are and I am a better person for it. I am so glad I sought help. Maybe you should try that, it worked for me.

[Soft*Silver]

I am there right now. I have a re-occurrence of PTSD, from what I am told. I had a severely abusive relationship in my early 30s and after a string of pretty bad relationships this decade, I am re-experiencing the trauma from the original one. I have tried to have relationships since that last string but found i couldnt trust, and got all squirrely in my head. The fear was overwhelming.

I have a great compromise. I have a sweet submissive who is able to wonderfully deal and not tread on my issues. Its very therapeutic for me. Wholesome even.

I have a friend I love so much but it remains a friendship because, amongst many things, I am so broken. I have discovered over time that I can only love as a friend. Not as a lover....

I would rather cut off my hand than try to have another relationship. Seriously. Ask someone to go stand in traffic...same response.

I dont want to change. Its safer here. I am happier here.

[Novelafemme]

Originally Posted by RadiantYearning

I searched a bit, although I'm not entirely familiar with the threads, and I didn't see anything like this so I apologize if it's a repeat.

Has anyone felt this inexplicable disconnect from feeling and your heart in general after a difficult, emotionally abusive relationship? It has been well over 2 years since I broke up with my ex and I still find myself unable to feel anything. I have had people interested in me and there's this absolute disconnect with emotion, empathy, passion. Everyone said, give it time, which I have ... and yet I still find myself questioning what my heart is even capable of anymore. My ex and I have even spoken of this and hy says, not everyone is me, give them a chance ... but I'm terrified of finding myself "trapped" in a similar situation so I have avoided feeling anything for anyone for a long time.

I'm not looking for anyone to solve my problem for me, I know that's an answer that only I can find from within. I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this, thoughts, opinions?

{{{{RY}}}}

Breakups are so difficult. I haven't gone through many, but the three I have been through were each unique, exhausting and filled with a ton of opportunities to learn. The most difficult was when I decided to leave the father of my two children. We had been together for 15 years and had practically grown up together. He was emotionally and verbally abusive and so it took years for me to trust my own instincts and not rely on someone else when it came down to making tough decisions. I also was desperate to please him and thought that if I could make him happy all the time he wouldn't find cause to be cruel. The bottom line is that you can virtually kill yourself trying to make someone else happy and in the end it isn't worth your time and energy if they don't do their share.

It sounds like you still have some letting go to do. And I know this isn't easy. The most trying part (for me) of any breakup I've been through is the missing part. Followed by the "did I make the right decision" part. Punctuated by the absolute fear of completely letting go part. I remind myself often that I am right where I need to be and that the universe knows what is best...for us all. Sometimes, even when we think we are in the driver's seat, it's best to just let the universe take over and chart the course of our lives.

As far as liars and being deceived goes...I have been on the giving and receiving end of both. I have been the cheater and the cheated on. I have lied and been lied to. I have made some piss-poor choices and have hurt and been hurt. What I have learned from ALL of it...the good, the bad, and the ugly...is that #1. I will never again be with someone just because I am afraid of being alone. I would rather be lonely but secure in being who I am for the rest of my life than try to live up to someone elses expectations of me (however realistic or unrealistic the expectation(s). #2. Opening yourself up to love also means opening yourself up to hurt...and in order to find love you must be willing to get hurt. It's just the natural order of things. #3. Just because I am nice does not mean I am anyone's punching bag. Mutual respect and truly being able to listen and be non-judgmental are absolutes. Most everything else is negotiable...and I say that because after having gone through the relationship difficulties I have, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are no absolutes. I admire people who can use the "never" word as their daily mantra, but for me it is unrealistic. And the moment we have unrealistic expectations of others is the moment we make our worlds, lives, and potential loves and happiness all the more unattainable.

[RadiantYearning]

(((( Everyone ))))


Thank you all for your incredible support. I have listened to everyone's wise words and taken some very good advice. I'm going to write my ex and apologize, but I'm going to take my time and make sure that I say exactly what I want to say, the way I want to say it. I'm prepared for the backlash but I need to do this to put my inner self at peace.

I did ask the ex who has caused me so much pain to step back and let me heal. I guess that's the first step. Next, I'm going to really address my issues about that emotionally abusive relationship with my counselor.

Thank you all again ... it's amazing what clarity comes from writing it down and seeing things in front of me instead of floating around in my head.