Ireparably Broken?

[Scrappy L'il Southpaw]

RadiantYearning,

Thanks for starting this thread and opening yourself up. That is uber special. I'll keep you in my thoughts for your healing and opening your heart again.

[T D]

I think you're a very brave person to pursue this topic. It takes guts to look at ourselves and ask for input from others. Lots of Kudos to you!!

I was in a relationship that I was lied to during the entire 2 years of it. Lies about everything basically. Since it was such a foreign experience for me I had a very difficult time 1.) truly understanding and believing what was happening while it was happening, and 2.) that it had actually happened after it became so blatantly obvious that I had no choice but to acknowledge what was going on and deal with it.

What happen for me as a result is that I seem to have somehow emotionally shut down. I just can't get involved with anyone, I feel close to nothing and trust no one anymore. It's really sad, and honestly has left me feeling very broken. This took place over 4 years ago.

You may move past your current status with more time, and perhaps meeting someone truly rare, patient, and authentic. I think the only way you will know is with time. I can say for myself that I believe it will take someone with these characteristics and much more to ever get me to come around again.

What I find so profoundly sad about situations like this, is how badly people can and do emotionally (and physically) injure others, and seem to think very little to nothing about it. It makes me wonder what the world has come to, and just how emotionally disengaged from our actions we have become as a society. Very sad indeed!

Interesting topic. Thanks for starting it!

All the best to you too!

[Bella~Vita]

My experience in dealing with a broken heart is I have so much trouble with trusting. What is sad too, sometimes because of the scars left from previous failed relationships you get so numb that you pass up some good people. Because of the fear and I know this but still I don't have that same energy as I did before . Therefore I stay single because I know deep down I can't give that 100% anymore. I'm ok with it I've learned to live with it , and now I have other things I do to compensate . No it's not the same but it's doable. I'm grateful for my lessons . Do I have regrets ...yes a few ... can't change it , only learn from it. So I enter a time in my life where I finally realize ... that the love I searched for was right here all the time ... inside of myself . And I'm grateful to have loved during this lifetime.

[macele]

Still it grows and it goes…
deeper and deeper still
Without my permission
or any willing submission
I’ll fall down and lay down
New seedlings of my love
And show the world how it’s done…
That my roots of love won…

Boots lkf 9/2011


mighty fine writing. thank you for sharing.

[Nat]

I went through a numb period that lasted 11 years. When I was 10-11, I was sexually violated by an adult I loved and trusted and believed in. It was too much to process and I just put it away in the corner of my mind/heart and tried to act normal. At 14-15, i had a boyfriend who was regularly physically and mentally abused by his scary drunk dad. I wanted to save him, but could not. He was a good kid. But at some point he took a bad turn. We broke up, and a few months later he stabbed somebody almost to death. He was tried as an adult and sentenced to 20 years. It was some time around then that I went numb. I couldn't process everything there was to process. I would sit down to write, and the stuff I would write was sad and morbid and angry, but I was so disconnected from it. I didn't know what it meant, I didn't feel it. It would just bleed onto the page. And I struggled to know myself, to be myself, to be authentic while at the same time playing the role expected of me by my family. I didn't have any faith left in my own goodness or anybody else's. I was incapable of love. Or distanced from love. I'm sure I've said thousands of "I love you's" that sounded like lies to my own ears. I said "I love you" and it as like another person in the room had spoken it. I was very distant from myself and my feelings. It was 6 years ago, the numbness broke. I left my ex-husband. I came out. My life had feeling in it again. Plenty of heartbreak. I'm not numb anymore, though I struggle a great deal with mood - depression, anxiety, anger, distrust. My last relationship was volatile, and I've found that since it ended, I have become more like the person I was with. It's like I downloaded a portion of him into who I am. And really maybe on some level that's true whenever you know a person at close-range. And part of that download was awesome and part of that download was destructive. I do have symptoms of PTSD, though not nearly as severe as I've seen. I have anxiety now - which I didn't have before at this level. But I'm not numb. And I can love. It was wonderful to realize the ability to love had returned to me after such a long time. I don't know if I could have sped up the process, but if I could go back and give myself some advice, I would say (I think),

"Do not ever think you are irreparably damaged. That thought can only harm you."

and

"When you do loving things for yourself, you will increase your ability to love and to feel loved. Even if you feel numb, going through the motions of caring for yourself can help a lot. Be your own sanctuary and be your own light, and do your best to be honest to yourself and to others, even if it's hard to break the mask you've learned to wear so well."

and

"The things that happened were beyond your control, but the wounds you carry are your responsibility now. The past is not negotiable, but the actions you take today can make a profound impact on your tomorrow."

But if I'd heard all that, I'd think it was trite and keep following my long hard path. On this long road, I have figured out that I can terrify myself with morbid and fatalistic thoughts. I can drown in feelings of despair, of brokenness. I used to think it was dumb when people would talk about keeping an eye on your thoughts, of choosing not to think about some things, but since anxiety has crept up on me I have found this to be a necessary survival skill. If I find myself reliving past trauma, I stop myself. Most of the time, it's the "what if I'd done this or that" that leads me back there. I know what happened in my past, but I only recently decided I WILL NOT keep reliving it because it retraumatizes me and deepens the grooves. I am responsible for me and to me, and I would rather put my focus on being the kind of person I want to be than thinking about the person I would have been if my life had left me without scars.

Anyway, sorry to be so long-winded. I have no idea why I'm up so late. I just wanted to say I know numbness. I don't know if I could have left numbness behind earlier than I did, but looking back I can see the ways I courted my numbness by reliving trauma, by isolating myself, by um internetting too much, by eating too much, by drinking (and other substances) too much, by not investing in supportive, encouraging friendships, by allowing myself to identify heavily as a victim rather than a responsible adult in charge of my emotional and mental health, and by not allowing myself hope or trust that the numbness didn't have to be a fact of life forever.

I hope this makes sense. It's way past my bedtime. Happy healing.

[ScandalAndy]

I have to admit, I noticed this thread when you first posted it, but for some reason avoided clicking on it. Now I think I know why.

I've been "doing the work" as everyone is so fond of saying around here. Being very blunt with myself about the bad relationship choices I made in the past, and trying to figure out how not to make those mistakes anymore.

Reading through this thread, each new post and paragraph was like having a HUGE mirror held up in front of my face. I identify and sympathize so much with the pain everyone is sharing, and I am finally understanding the depth of the damage that has been done to me. It surprises me how many different people in my life I see echoing through these stories, and how similarly we have all suffered. I am disappointed with myself, and kind of shocked to admit how many abusive relationships I've been in. Was deluding myself about that part of my numbness defense? I am trying to learn how not to beat myself up over it, and to forgive myself. It's a double whammy to be with an abuser, while abusing yourself.

If I had come here before I was ready, I would have been overwhelmed. Today I feel more inspired to keep working hard to get past all the unpleasantness in my head, to learn how to be kind to myself. Before, I was doing it because there were people who showed interest and led me to believe if i only tried harder, I would be able to be with them. I didn't want to disappoint them, or lose out on the chance for love, so I pushed myself before I was ready. No more. I am keeping track of my motivations for changing myself, and if I'm not doing for me, then I'm not going to do it at all.

Thank you, all of you, for reminding me that there is nothing wrong with taking the time I need to be okay with myself, as long as I never stop poking around in those dark corners and keep moving forward. You are all so brave and amazing. It takes so much strength to look inside ourselves, and then to share that. Thank you, RY, for starting this thread. I hope that it helps everyone as much as it has helped me.

[JustJo]

I just finished reading a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485"]http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585428485[/ame]


It's been pretty eye-opening and life changing for me.

For years, I have berated myself for my "failed" relationships and my inability to find and stay with "the right" person.

No more.

The authors talk about the three basic attachment styles....secure, anxious and avoidant. None are wrong or bad...they just are the way we are.

I'm an anxious...which means that I am just that...anxious. I need reassurance, steadiness, commitment and someone who will be patient when I get fearful and my old "stuff" kicks up. It means I need a secure.

I was raised by an avoidant and, to me, the crazy drama and "on again, off again" style of an avoidant is what I interpret (in my anxious little head) as "love." When a secure (and, yes, in hindsight I've dated a couple) does their normal secure stuff....I think they don't love me because it's too calm, and too normal.

As a result...I've been with avoidants almost all of my adult life.

Avoidants want love and relationships as much as the rest of us do, but they also need more distance and space....and when things get close, they push away, view it as controlling or criticism, argue or accuse, etc.

The anxious / avoidant pairing has the highest failure rate....because as a connection grows the avoidant pushes back, the anxious panics and tries to get closer....and the vicious cycle begins.

Damn. I wish I'd read this book a long time ago.

Needless to say, I recommend it.

[RadiantYearning]

I haven't been back to this thread in a while ... I wouldn't even have found it tonight if I hadn't seen a thank you in my "user cp" link, lol. Sooo not thread savvy!

You're all amazing ... and the support, sharing and advice that all of you send is so very greatly appreciated. Thank you for opening up to share your own experiences, beautiful poetry, relationship styles, everything else that didn't fit into those categories.

The other day I made my facebook status, "I don't even have time for the nervous breakdown that I so greatly deserve." I found that on a website somewhere. That's how I feel lately, stretched so thin in 10,000 different directions. I think I've buried myself in other things to do, in part, so I would have a good excuse for not being able to get involved. I've also buried myself in my children, my fail safe source of love, affection and absolute sunshine ... at least that can never be a bad thing.

Someone told me the other day that hy doesn't think I'm broken, hy just thinks that the right person hasn't come along and I'm rightfully selective. I may agree to some extent but I think there's a little more to it. I definitely have learned that I won't ever settle on someone who doesn't possess the traits that are, for me, non-negotiable.

So on a positive note, a friend who I haven't spoken to in about a year has come back into my life. This makes me happy and makes me smile a lot

Thank you again and I hope everyone has a beautiful weekend ...

[ButchEire]

I'm not sure if the book is suggesting that someone who has an insecure attachment style should seek out someone with a secure one, but this simply won't happen. A person who exemplifies genuine secure attachment won't engage in a relationship with someone who isn't. It's counterproductive and counterintuitive to the nature of secure attachment.

Originally Posted by JustJo

I just finished reading a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Scien.../dp/1585428485


It's been pretty eye-opening and life changing for me.

For years, I have berated myself for my "failed" relationships and my inability to find and stay with "the right" person.

No more.

The authors talk about the three basic attachment styles....secure, anxious and avoidant. None are wrong or bad...they just are the way we are.

I'm an anxious...which means that I am just that...anxious. I need reassurance, steadiness, commitment and someone who will be patient when I get fearful and my old "stuff" kicks up. It means I need a secure.

I was raised by an avoidant and, to me, the crazy drama and "on again, off again" style of an avoidant is what I interpret (in my anxious little head) as "love." When a secure (and, yes, in hindsight I've dated a couple) does their normal secure stuff....I think they don't love me because it's too calm, and too normal.

As a result...I've been with avoidants almost all of my adult life.

Avoidants want love and relationships as much as the rest of us do, but they also need more distance and space....and when things get close, they push away, view it as controlling or criticism, argue or accuse, etc.

The anxious / avoidant pairing has the highest failure rate....because as a connection grows the avoidant pushes back, the anxious panics and tries to get closer....and the vicious cycle begins.

Damn. I wish I'd read this book a long time ago.

Needless to say, I recommend it.