Loving a Transman Isn't Easy

[SecretAgentMa'am]

If you read the comments on the article, you'll see that the author's spouse commented roughly halfway down. He is very clear in his comment that he self-identifies as a tranny, uses the word tranny regularly, and does not consider it a slur. I don't think there was anything transphobic in her use of the word. She probably just didn't know that a lot of people don't feel the way her partner does about it.

One of the things I've found pretty disturbing in the years since I entered the LGBT community is the unspoken (hell, sometimes spoken outright) ethic that femme lesbians aren't allowed to have non-approved feelings about their partners transitioning. Anything other than wholehearted, joyful support will be labeled as transphobic. I applaud this woman for having the courage to say in public that she didn't have good feelings about her partner's transition, that it was hard for her, that it still is hard.

When I met my wife, she'd already been living 24/7/365 as a woman for 20 years. Trans issues were old hat to her, but the whole concept was entirely new to me. I knew that trans people existed, but I'd never known anyone who was trans as far as I was aware. So, knowing that I had a lot of questions and that some of them might inadvertently be hurtful to her, I started looking for online support communities for partners of trans people. I figured that would be a good way to talk to people who were dealing with some of the same feelings and issues that I was. How wrong I was. I learned pretty early on that any question other than "How can I best express my love and support of my trans partner to the world?" was transphobic. Questions about the long-term health risks of hormone therapy? Transphobic, and how I dare I even suggest that trans people are somehow damaged. Questions about terminology? How dare I use that slur that I had no idea was a slur until I got yelled at for it. Wondering how trans men fit into the lesbian community (keeping in mind that I had been clear that I had almost zero experience with the LGBT community at all), aren't they straight men now? Well, that's just about the most transphobic thing I could possibly have said, and that one got me banned from the group.

I didn't ask any of those questions out of transphobia. I asked them out of sheer ignorance. I honestly didn't know, and I thought a support group would have been the place to ask. Nope. As far as I could find, support groups for anyone who is really, actually struggling or honestly doesn't know how to navigate the community appear to be all but non-existent. I hope more articles like this one are published. Maybe if more partners admit that they didn't feel great about their significant other's transition, they'll be able to get some real support and deal with it better, rather than just learning how to stuff their own needs and feelings.

[betenoire]

Good for her. She's allowed to be upset and she's allowed to mourn. And she's allowed to express it however the hell she wants to express it.

I've been there. I wish 10 years ago that I had the kind of backbone of honesty that she has now.

[Sparx1_1]

I live in Vancouver so just gonna point out that certain terms and phrases that would be seen as offensive and transphobic elsewhere are acceptable here - most notably the word "tranny".

Another thing about Vancouver is it's very open and very supportive transfolk community. There are a lot of people who moved here just to access that support. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around why he would keep this from her; specifically because of where they live.

All that aside, it was very educational and informative to hear an honest opinion from the femme partners side of transitioning.

[Deborah]

My hubby waited a long time after he told me before he actually transitioned (for reasons I won't go in to here) but when he did, he jumped in with both feet. We went to doctors, therapists, group counseling, support groups, you name it. All about HIM. All about trans issues. Because we were activist people, we were activist in this as well. Almost every day there were guys sittiing in my living room talking about penises. I'm a lesbian dudes, penises (unlike "cock") do not attract me.

Do not think I am exaggerating here. In those days at least, when presurgical transmen met, THE top of converation was penises. Was it possible to have one? Which doctor could do the best surgery? What kind of procedures were involved. How much did it cost, Could you get insurance to pay for it? ... and the big one ... Would it WORK?

Thank goodness for MY sake, not all Transmen are interested in going so far as to have bottom surgery...I was with a butch that a year into the relationship decided he wanted to transition and it was like what I copied above, his desire to take that next step was there even if the means to do so never was...at least not during our relationship. The relationship ended for other reasons but I made it perfectly clear then and to everyone else - I have no issue with FTM/transitioning, top surgery or taking T. For ME I could not/do not want to even try to make it work beyond that...I dont consider this a condition on my love for someone, I doubt having a penis (working or not) would make me suddenly stop loving them (I still love my ex-husband, although not romantically) but the reason I left him is the same reason I would leave them...I just cannot live that way.

Sex is an important part of a relationship for me (saying that makes me smile because during my marriage I thought if I never had sex again it would be fine) and I cannot, will not have sex with a 'penis'. I have been out about 13 years and I still feel very niaive about the right and wrong things to say or do...and the last thing I want is to offend anyone...I am strictly speaking for ME. From the very first time I even entertained the thought of being with a woman she was butch very butch...I am attracted to that look, that energy, the maculine/femme dynamic (for ME that may come from living most of my life in a hetero world) whatever it is - it is. I feel I have the best of both worlds with my man. He is himself - and open about it when necessary and not when it isnt necessary...I still very much want to identify as a QueerFemme...being a femme has always made it difficult in my daily world....he understands that I love him for him but it doesnt change me. We talked A LOT about lots of stuff during our getting to know each other period...since we started out being friends it was easy not to hold back likes and dislikes...that 'honeymoon' period where you just want to say all the right things. We had both had relationships that went bad due to not having a clear understanding of what was gonna be a deal breaker and what would work.

I feel for the girl in the original story - like has been said if going in you had no idea this was what you were signing up for it's difficult at best and it has to be understood BOTH people are going through it and in this case not her choice. Seems the overwhelming agreement here is communicating what your feelings are about yourself, your partner and your future. Don't leave out those "daydreams" of living in the wilderness someday off the land, or one day selling everything and traveling the country or perhaps taking the next step to live in the body you always dreamed of....TALK.

I had to come back and say the title to this thread should say..."Loving a Transman Isn't Easy if That's Not What You Signed Up For" because I find loving a transman to be one of the easiest things I have ever done

[julieisafemme]

I read this article awhile back on FB. She is speaking honestly and openly. I did not find her transphobic at all. Partnering with someone who is transitioning is hard. It helps a lot to be able to speak honestly about how you feel. I went to a partner's support group for a year and it was enormously helpful. It was a totally safe space to say whatever we felt without the worry of hurting our partners.

I am glad this woman spoke so candidly. It may help open the dialogue up for other partners, butch, femme or otherwise.

I am also happy to report that transition can be a bonding, nurturing and wonderful experience for a couple as well. Like anything in life there is good and bad all mixed up together. I love my partner and feel closer to him today than I did three years ago when we met. He's changed a lot but in so many wonderful good ways.

[Soon]

Originally Posted by betenoire

Good for her. She's allowed to be upset and she's allowed to mourn. And she's allowed to express it however the hell she wants to express it.

I've been there. I wish 10 years ago that I had the kind of backbone of honesty that she has now.

---I agree---

[lettertodaddy]

Is it possible that her partner didn't lie?

I'm thinking of Chaz Bono as an example. Chaz came out as a lesbian, because he thought that's who he was. And maybe it is who he was at the time. But over time he came to realize that he really was a man and started transitioning. Did Chaz lie to his female partner when he started transitioning after they were together? How can we be so quick to suggest that's what happened in this case?

Without knowing the parties, I'm reluctant to chalk this one up to duplicity. Rather, I think people continue to grow and change throughout a relationship, and this may just be an extreme example of that.

[SelfMadeMan]

Originally Posted by lettertodaddy

Is it possible that her partner didn't lie?

I'm thinking of Chaz Bono as an example. Chaz came out as a lesbian, because he thought that's who he was. And maybe it is who he was at the time. But over time he came to realize that he really was a man and started transitioning. Did Chaz lie to his female partner when he started transitioning after they were together? How can we be so quick to suggest that's what happened in this case?

Without knowing the parties, I'm reluctant to chalk this one up to duplicity. Rather, I think people continue to grow and change throughout a relationship, and this may just be an extreme example of that.

You bring up a good point... and I suppose it is quite possible that a person might not even realize that transition is the path for them early in life. I think sometimes I just assume that everyone has known/realized since early childhood like I did, and that they'd have already realized that the time would come that they would do something about it. But you made me think... and I really can see how maybe it *could* be an epiphany for some.

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

I absolutely did not say that slurs are acceptable. I said that in this context, she probably didn't realize that some people would take it as a slur. As has already been mentioned, this couple lives in Canada. Where they live, it's not a slur. It's incredibly unfair to expect someone to not use a word that's in common use and not offensive where they live, just because it is offensive in a completely different country.

I don't live in a completely different country. I'm Canadian. I know plenty of people around here who find the slur offensive. Other Canadians in the comment area from Vancouver themselves voiced that they didn't appreciate the use of the word tranny.

She's also writing this in a popular nation-wide LGBT newspaper (Xtra), that is given out for free in newspaper boxes on street corners across this city and across other Canadian cities. This isn't exactly her personal blog.

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by SecretAgentMa'am

If you read the comments on the article, you'll see that the author's spouse commented roughly halfway down. He is very clear in his comment that he self-identifies as a tranny, uses the word tranny regularly, and does not consider it a slur. I don't think there was anything transphobic in her use of the word. She probably just didn't know that a lot of people don't feel the way her partner does about it.

I don't really care if he identifies as a "tranny" or not. Many trans people don't and she is referring to "rah rah tranny people," not her husband. It's like saying that just because one gay man identifies as a "fag," that it's ok to run around calling all gay men "fags." A cis person has no right to call trans people as a group "trannies."

Edit: I'm sorry if this post came off as harsh, but honestly this kind of thing is really offensive to me. That people on the one hand say that slurs aren't acceptable, but when it comes to trans people it's acceptable. If a trans person wants to take back that slur to identify themselves, then that's fine, but that isn't an excuse to use that to talk about other trans people as a group.

[SecretAgentMa'am]

Originally Posted by EnderD_503

I don't really care if he identifies as a "tranny" or not. Many trans people don't and she is referring to "rah rah tranny people," not her husband. It's like saying that just because one gay man identifies as a "fag," that it's ok to run around calling all gay men "fags." A cis person has no right to call trans people as a group "trannies."

Edit: I'm sorry if this post came off as harsh, but honestly this kind of thing is really offensive to me. That people on the one hand say that slurs aren't acceptable, but when it comes to trans people it's acceptable. If a trans person wants to take back that slur to identify themselves, then that's fine, but that isn't an excuse to use that to talk about other trans people as a group.

I absolutely did not say that slurs are acceptable. I said that in this context, she probably didn't realize that some people would take it as a slur. As has already been mentioned, this couple lives in Canada. Where they live, it's not a slur. It's incredibly unfair to expect someone to not use a word that's in common use and not offensive where they live, just because it is offensive in a completely different country.