How important is language?

[Hollylane]

In all seriousness...

Nothing like being set up for a 50/50 chance at failure.

I think that you are right, waiting and feeling it out for a friend might have been better. However, I think the friend should be able to handle the answer to the question they put you in the position of answering.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Silverseastar

Hello. My question stems from a butch asking me to describe how I viewed them and did they seem like a man.

I'm curious, why would someone ask this question? What would be the appropriate response in this situation? Honesty? Further questions?

In my attempt to describe it I hurt their feelings and it made me feel terrible. I used the terminology of "other gender" not male and not female but masculine energy. I'm looking for more understanding as they won't talk to me about it. Please be gentle with me though!

Also is this a topic best shied away from if it comes up? Meaning is it too personal and sensitive a place for most butches? The ones I have dated in the past were never this sensitive about it so maybe it is about being in the trans spectrum?

If it were me? The first thing out of my mouth would have been 'do you feel like a man?'.

Sure, it's deflection, but like others have said...the question was out of the blue and unfair if the two of you had not spoken of your friend's presentation before.

I do think, however, despite the way your friend went about it, it shows a great deal about YOU in that they chose you to ask. That speaks volumes about the type of friend they think you are.

Originally Posted by Silverseastar

Well to be fair this is a young butch struggling with trans identity for a while. I agree I felt sort of cornered but I don't think that was the intent.

For my part I think in retrospect I wish rather than answering I had asked why to see where the conversation might go and gain more insight.

Thank you all for wading in with your opinions. I appreciate the feedback more than you can possibly know.

Hindsight, right?

I think you were as fair as one might expect.

Originally Posted by macele

is she new to coming out?

a butch woman sometimes needs a femmes approval, i think.
if she is tying to figure out if she is a homosexual or a transsexual.

just speaking from my experience,
it's a big relief when a femme really digs your tomboy ways.

not all lesbians are attracted to other women with masculine ways.
may be she is questioning you for that reason. she wants to know if you like.

insecurity can be a mega factor for a butch just coming out.
i'd say she is questioning herself.

i don't know the statistics, but they have to be high, ...
that most butch women wonder if they are really supposed to be male.
she has to work thru a lot. it's thought about, for sure.

Since this thread is about a friend asking another friend if they saw them as a man and we've been informed that this butch has been struggling with his trans identity, I think it's inappropriate to refer to him as 'her'.

It feels weird, like if someone called me 'sir' or 'he'.

[always2late]

I agree with Gemme...the only possible response to a question like that is "How do YOU think you seem?" I also agree with Dapper that the question sucks. I understand that the person asking may be young, and may be conflicted, but still that question is very unfair to ask of someone else. You cannot define anyone's identity for them..so any answer you could have given could be perceived as the wrong one. And then to hold your answer against you...that is just unfair.