Ireparably Broken?

[ButchEire]

I'm not sure if the book is suggesting that someone who has an insecure attachment style should seek out someone with a secure one, but this simply won't happen. A person who exemplifies genuine secure attachment won't engage in a relationship with someone who isn't. It's counterproductive and counterintuitive to the nature of secure attachment.

Originally Posted by JustJo

I just finished reading a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love.

http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Scien.../dp/1585428485


It's been pretty eye-opening and life changing for me.

For years, I have berated myself for my "failed" relationships and my inability to find and stay with "the right" person.

No more.

The authors talk about the three basic attachment styles....secure, anxious and avoidant. None are wrong or bad...they just are the way we are.

I'm an anxious...which means that I am just that...anxious. I need reassurance, steadiness, commitment and someone who will be patient when I get fearful and my old "stuff" kicks up. It means I need a secure.

I was raised by an avoidant and, to me, the crazy drama and "on again, off again" style of an avoidant is what I interpret (in my anxious little head) as "love." When a secure (and, yes, in hindsight I've dated a couple) does their normal secure stuff....I think they don't love me because it's too calm, and too normal.

As a result...I've been with avoidants almost all of my adult life.

Avoidants want love and relationships as much as the rest of us do, but they also need more distance and space....and when things get close, they push away, view it as controlling or criticism, argue or accuse, etc.

The anxious / avoidant pairing has the highest failure rate....because as a connection grows the avoidant pushes back, the anxious panics and tries to get closer....and the vicious cycle begins.

Damn. I wish I'd read this book a long time ago.

Needless to say, I recommend it.