Letting Go Of Friendships

Scota_Parisi · 11-07-2011, 09:10 PM

Because of living, in general, I have boundary lines. A lot of them are generally pretty standard. Some of that stuff we learned in kindergarten. Others aren't so easily defined, but fall more to my comfort levels based on lessons of being burned, etc. previously by exes, various family and friends. Those get to be a bit more hair trigger. Especially depending upon the experience/reason behind why that line is there.

12 years of "Joint Custody" with my ex was full of landmines and sand traps. Lots of trial and error. Out of that came patience, the ability to step back when necessary and to know which battles were important - which ones to let slide.

There are boundary / comfort lines I keep up. Helps to keep things calm. If someone has hurt me and others, they do get kept at arms length. Yep, I can hold a bit of a grudge for a while. At least until I can figure out why it is I'm really angry. And often it is because I've let someone get close to me and they've really hurt me or someone close to me.

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

tazz · 11-07-2011, 09:40 PM

wow... i love this thread... so empowering and healing

Have you ever held a grudge?
yes...at times. this is a work in progress with myself. when i feel toxic/negative energy i tend to walk the other way and maintain my own sense of boundaries and distance.

Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Yes. unfortunately, the people i removed or removed me were too much drama... always taking... never thanking... very needy. after the fact, i would ask myself what about my persona is attracting such peeps? was i lonely? was the care taker coming out in me again?
in friendship and with people who are acquaintances i find myself feeling like i want to make sure they are safe/ok/in good hands. i realize i cannot take care of anyone... so i learn to live and let live.

Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow? i dont tap dance anymore. i used to... and was always snarked at while doing so. so now i'm just very clear, direct, and blundt. so, now i am sometimes called "curt." another work in progress.

How do you do it gracefully? uhmm i guess my walking away is my gracefull way of leaving.

How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all? i pull the person aside and speak my peace in a very diplomatic manner and hear their side. then, i put the relationship in a coffin and nail it shut.
i need to. i know this may sound extreme, but, this is my metaphor for having self-worth, self-empowerment, and good boundaries.

ruby_woo · 11-07-2011, 09:42 PM

Hmm. I try not to hold grudges, and will try to forgive people if they seem sincere in their apology. I'll give you a second chance, but not a third. A couple of years ago, I reconnected with a girl who was one of my best friends in high school, but hurt me very badly. She apologized, saying she was in a really bad place at the time, and because it was over 10 years ago, I forgave her and we started rebuilding our friendship over the course of a few months. Then she started some spewing some crap all over Facebook about how it's horrible that people are being forced to accept gays even though it's against their religious beliefs blahblahblah. GIRL I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS A DYKE WTF. So I cut her out of my life. Again. She tried contacting me again, but I explained that I really don't have any need for attitudes like hers in my life and that was that.

I have another friend I've known since 8th grade who's...I don't even know what to say about her. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision, and constantly begging folks to bail her out. It's draining, but I've known her for half my life. We went to Europe together when we were 16. But good grief...

I think the lesson here is that ruby_woo needs to pick better friends.

11-07-2011, 09:10 PM	#1
Scota_Parisi Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: Mz. Relationship Status: Houston, we have landed. Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Dathomir Posts: 263 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 624 Thanked 488 Times in 169 Posts Rep Power: 1289935	Because of living, in general, I have boundary lines. A lot of them are generally pretty standard. Some of that stuff we learned in kindergarten. Others aren't so easily defined, but fall more to my comfort levels based on lessons of being burned, etc. previously by exes, various family and friends. Those get to be a bit more hair trigger. Especially depending upon the experience/reason behind why that line is there. 12 years of "Joint Custody" with my ex was full of landmines and sand traps. Lots of trial and error. Out of that came patience, the ability to step back when necessary and to know which battles were important - which ones to let slide. There are boundary / comfort lines I keep up. Helps to keep things calm. If someone has hurt me and others, they do get kept at arms length. Yep, I can hold a bit of a grudge for a while. At least until I can figure out why it is I'm really angry. And often it is because I've let someone get close to me and they've really hurt me or someone close to me. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. __________________ “I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness because it shows me the stars.” "It is only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on Earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up that we will begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it were the only one we had." ---Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

11-07-2011, 09:40 PM	#2
tazz Member How Do You Identify?: Athlete/tomboi Preferred Pronoun?: she, her, cutie Relationship Status: Estoy recibiendo cómodo con él Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: you never know where i might end up ;) Posts: 1,365 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,807 Thanked 1,759 Times in 642 Posts Rep Power: 20456639	wow... i love this thread... so empowering and healing Have you ever held a grudge? yes...at times. this is a work in progress with myself. when i feel toxic/negative energy i tend to walk the other way and maintain my own sense of boundaries and distance. Ever had to let a friend go because they were toxic? Yes. unfortunately, the people i removed or removed me were too much drama... always taking... never thanking... very needy. after the fact, i would ask myself what about my persona is attracting such peeps? was i lonely? was the care taker coming out in me again? in friendship and with people who are acquaintances i find myself feeling like i want to make sure they are safe/ok/in good hands. i realize i cannot take care of anyone... so i learn to live and let live. Ever had to tap dance around someone because they were in your circle of friends somehow? i dont tap dance anymore. i used to... and was always snarked at while doing so. so now i'm just very clear, direct, and blundt. so, now i am sometimes called "curt." another work in progress. How do you do it gracefully? uhmm i guess my walking away is my gracefull way of leaving. How do you do it without turning it into a community/family/friends free-for-all? i pull the person aside and speak my peace in a very diplomatic manner and hear their side. then, i put the relationship in a coffin and nail it shut. i need to. i know this may sound extreme, but, this is my metaphor for having self-worth, self-empowerment, and good boundaries. __________________ "She walks a different path than some of us, but those on her wavelength enjoy the journey with her." --DLOS

11-07-2011, 09:42 PM	#3
ruby_woo Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: her/she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 427 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,848 Thanked 1,939 Times in 376 Posts Rep Power: 17615392	Hmm. I try not to hold grudges, and will try to forgive people if they seem sincere in their apology. I'll give you a second chance, but not a third. A couple of years ago, I reconnected with a girl who was one of my best friends in high school, but hurt me very badly. She apologized, saying she was in a really bad place at the time, and because it was over 10 years ago, I forgave her and we started rebuilding our friendship over the course of a few months. Then she started some spewing some crap all over Facebook about how it's horrible that people are being forced to accept gays even though it's against their religious beliefs blahblahblah. GIRL I JUST TOLD YOU I WAS A DYKE WTF. So I cut her out of my life. Again. She tried contacting me again, but I explained that I really don't have any need for attitudes like hers in my life and that was that. I have another friend I've known since 8th grade who's...I don't even know what to say about her. Bad decision after bad decision after bad decision, and constantly begging folks to bail her out. It's draining, but I've known her for half my life. We went to Europe together when we were 16. But good grief... I think the lesson here is that ruby_woo needs to pick better friends.