How do you communicate when you're angry?

HoustonHuny · 11-24-2011, 08:23 AM

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha

Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote.

Gemme · 11-24-2011, 10:18 AM

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.

The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case.

When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth.

I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast.

Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume.

I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged.

I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty.

Dominique · 11-24-2011, 10:56 AM

It depends on who I am trying to communicate with.

If it's my partner, and I am really angry, I usually cry and talk at the same time. A lot gets accomplished. (sarcasm)

If I am in a professional setting. I become quiet. Walk away, and compose myself, and my thoughts, so the crying while talking does not happen.

Things in between, my non verbals usually let the other person (or people) know I'm excited. My face becomes red, my eyes get big and in general I have more animation. I say what I have to say and I get over it quickly.

On the telephone, surprisingly, I maintain complete composure. I had too many years of people doing the telephone bravado stuff on me. I made many mental notes to never do that to a person. Honey gets more flies than vinegar (idiom). It's true.

WomenMoveMe · 11-24-2011, 11:20 AM

It has been awhile for me in that I have been single for many years and therefore have no one that is close enough to govern my mood.

However...I have never been one to get angry...but rather...I get disappointed. I do not yell. I do not throw things. I do not utter words designed to hurt as they are left there hanging in our hearts and minds. Never to be forgotten...and unable to be stricken from the record.

When at odds with my partner...she would rake me over the coals...and I would listen. When she had her say...I either apologized for my idiotic behaviors...or attempted to defend myself. Regardless the situation...it was done calmly and with mutual respect.

Should we find ourselves unable to rectify our turmoil at that moment...I would drive. I would tell her I was going for a drive and would return when my thoughts had been sorted. She knew this and would often hand me the car keys with instructions to 'go think'. This offered me time to allow issues to marinate...and she was amenable to this method. While she sometimes needed to raise her voice...she came to understand I did not and I like to think she liked that about me.

I was very lucky to have had one that so understood I was a calm..quiet...thinking sort. She knew I was not one given to overt displays of anger or disappointment and allowed me the time needed to attempt to see both sides of the issue.

I understand the differences in which people communicate. I hope one day...should I be lucky enough to love again...I will find one that affords me the 'comfortable argument' (that sounds strange doesn't it?). If not...I suppose I will just have to avoid moronic behaviors and disappointment...in both myself...and her. Should be do-able right?

ruby_woo · 11-24-2011, 11:45 AM

If I'm angry, I need time to walk away and sort my thoughts out. Usually the first thing I want to do is figure out whether or not what I'm angry about...is actually worth being angry about. If it is, I need to be able to think it out before speaking about it. Trying to get me to talk before I'm ready will only result in bitchy, passive aggressive comments.

Unfortunately, years of my family telling me I'm "too sensitive" has led to me thinking it's all in my head, so I don't express anger often and frequently when I do, I blow up. This method works about as well as you'd expect- not at all.

Sassy · 11-24-2011, 09:39 PM

Thank you all for your comments, they were well written and insightful and helpful. My SO and I have such a good thing going. But we definitely react differently with our anger. It scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I really ever saw her get good-n-mad -- I'd never been around anyone who allowed themselves to get LOUD and/or verbal when they were angry -- too many past relationships were the brooding, silent, passive aggressive types.

NorCalStud · 11-24-2011, 11:02 PM

Sometimes I have a problem. If it is a trigger...one of my triggers? The dam wall breaks and I react from deep pain. If it isnt an issue ..? I can handle whatever with a cool head.
I am now learning to be less punitive with my affirmations. Instead of leaving a note for myself saying. "Dont say things you will regret"

I have one that says "admit feeling vulnerable about something"

KimbaYLRF · 11-25-2011, 07:41 AM

I don't get angry at the other person. I turn it inward and usually hurt myself as I cry and sputter to myself calling myself all sorts of names. There are times I just don't say or do anything. I won't do the ignoring route because that is how my mom is and I know how it feels to be not spoken to or even acknowledged for a day or longer.

Random · 11-24-2011, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself.

The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case.

When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth.

I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast.

Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume.

I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged.

I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty.

I'm just going to quote Gemme...

It's weird how two people raised completly different can be some what the same... I was raised in a very restrained household when everything was fine and no one was angry, until they were... Then all hell broke loose...

I pretty well react exactly the same as up above... Music saves me and others around me.. Also, I communicate better via the written word... If I can have the time to write out everything then it comes out better...

I've really had to work HARD at the yelling business... It invokes some pretty nasties for my girl... So I've tried really hard to modify that particular reaction... I need room to decompress before I can talk more about the hard stuff... It's hard to get that room sometimes... My girl is a let's talk EVERYTHING out until it is all crystle clear... I'm a Let me think about why I feel the way I do and I'll get back to you after I have processed...

I'm an emotional creature... What I'm pissed off about MAY NOT be why I am angry... I need to really dig in and find the root... If I react without taking the time to really think about it, well, it's never pretty and alway messy... It takes more work to do damage control than if I just had though about why I feel the way I do and then respond/react....

1QuirkyKiwi · 11-25-2011, 10:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemme

Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline.

When I tell people that I’m Maori/Italian/French/Norwegian – their reaction is much the same as a Deer in headlights! LOL! I then have to explain that although I do have the fiery temperament it’s not often that I get angry, yet, they still expect to see that fiery nature on a regular basis, only, what they get is a cheerful nutcase with a demented sense of humour, instead! LOL!

I really have to be pushed to the limit before my anger rears it's up!

macele · 12-10-2011, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoustonHuny

In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha

Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote.

i like this from houstonhunny.

sometimes we need to be in the moment of anger. it may very well be our stand-up for ourselves time. say what we feel

but we know there's a line. we certainly can't let it get to mental and physical abuse.

and, sometimes we need to just walk away.

balance.

i wish you well, sassy.

sarahwho · 12-30-2011, 08:49 PM

Hmmm, how to explain.

If it's my mother or my son, I yell. There is something about their personalities that makes my blood boil and I blow - like dropping nitro - boom!

At work.......I get super, super quiet. But I tend to have a bite to any comments I make for several hours. If pushed continually, I snap at them, and then leave so that I can cry. I always cry after I get mad, always!

Other people, I just shut up! I get super, super quiet and back off!

In a relationship, I tend to panic and get away from the situation as fast as possible until I "deem" it safe to return.

I guess I am a complicated person sometimes.....sigh.

sylvie · 12-30-2011, 09:02 PM

When i get angry about something, i step away from the situation or the person a bit and get myself back together.. i'm not a fighter, so for me i tend to figure it all out on the inside, and then i deal with the situation rationally, somehow.. if i can make peace or find forgiveness, that's what i work for..

But, if i can't, rather than stew in the stress or negativity of it, i will distance myself and move forward when that is possible.. But in terms of defending myself or the ones i love, then i will voice myself and then i'll shake it off, embrace the ones i love & defend and move forward..

i just don't have room in my life for anger, or dwelling on it.. i forgive easily in most instances.. Life is short.. And if i can't forgive it must be something big and probably is something i need to step away from altogether..

Hollylane · 12-30-2011, 09:19 PM

Never go to bed angry......

scootebaby · 12-30-2011, 09:22 PM

i prefer to be left alone until i can get things under control....sadly most ppl wanna just keep pushing and pushing til i lose my damn mind...yelling and screaming...storming off,slamming doors....its not a pretty site!

bright_arrow · 12-30-2011, 09:38 PM

More often than not I keep it to myself, and fume/huff/zone out while I cope with it.

Some things I need to hash over in my mind, others I will keep quiet but still continue with the hostile vibes.. very rarely do I come right out at that instant and bring it to the forefront. I stay quiet because I have to look it over and see, is it me and my mood today? Or was it something the other person should not have done?

Today is a good example. I woke up on the 'wrong side' of the bed + cramps + sore body from working out = grumpy bitch. Anything that I can ignore on a good day set me off in an instant. Loud/repetitive noises really grind on me and there are cases where I put on headphones or go in another room and read to try and curb my moodiness.

I think we all need our own "re-charge time", and if I spend all my time doing stuff without the occasional day in, pajama's, no need to go anywhere, I get frazzled. Eventually it builds until I snap

I don't want to speak entirely for my partner but I will say that hy has a temper, and when hy snaps hy gets loud. I do not respond well to people who do - I instantly shut down and look for the closest escape..however, there are the few instances where I get snarky passive-aggressive.. I will have to mull over it to see why there are the differences.

Novelafemme · 01-23-2012, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hollylane

Never go to bed angry......

I used to swear by this, but as I get older and more in touch with the me that happens to process anger/issues/drama differently...I've come to accept that sometimes it's OK to go to bed angry.

When someone roars at me in anger (which really ever happens) I will 99.999% of the time retreat. It triggers old shit in my brain that signals a fight or flight response and only when physically threatened will I fight. My secondary response to being over-stimulated in such a manner is bizarre, but again, it's just me and I've come to accept it. I get very, VERY sleepy. I become like a little newborn who goes to sleep once you step foot into a busy grocery store. My brain just powers down and literally shuts off.

So, when things get heated I have learned that I need a little time and space before my brain can wrap itself around the situation. Otherwise, you'll find me curled up on the floor or in bed sound asleep.

If I get mad, I go for a walk. It always helps.

adorable · 01-26-2012, 12:51 AM

This is such an interesting thread. Anger is one of those things that for me, is not an emotion by itself, rather the combination of other emotions. Usually, based in some sort of fear and combined with something else. If I am angry, really angry, I get quiet. I am one of those people that doesn't act on it. Luckily, it's rare that I ever get angry about something.

No good ever comes from a place of anger. Being heated or upset is a different story. Actual anger is more of a demon where rational thought is lost. The older I get, the more I see everything as choices and feel less need for discussion. Normally, I am likely to say what I'm thinking right at the moment that I feel it. Not always such a great idea generally. In that moment though, it's what I happened to think. In anger, that would be the worst thing to ever do. There are times that not speaking is far better than talking things through. And I'm fond of just letting things go. Sometimes, you both just really had a bad day and it wasn't more or less or something to be read into.

When I feel the need to talk things through, because I like to analyze behavior, I generally need to cut that out. lol. No matter what I'm feeling, the best thing for me is to get quiet and sort myself out internally. When I am attempting (in a relationship) to get another person to talk to me, it's usually because I want to hear what they're thinking and change it to suit me. It's a control issue, not a discussion. One that keeps the focus off of me, where it should be. I spent several years with someone who was unable (which is different than unwilling) to discuss or process feelings at all. What I discovered was that it didn't matter. Honestly, how we feel at one moment can be entirely different then how we are going to feel tomorrow at the exact same time. Sleep alone changes things. I usually know (thank you therapy) immediately what I'm feeling and the best way for ME to process that. Everyone is different. My thinking that people process like I do isn't fair or true.

Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. I stop it when the dust starts to rise. It's not complicated for me. I just cut it out and don't go there. I can shut down completely. I have control over that today, that ability to chose when and where, which some people think is a bad thing. Not me. It also means that I can see it when it happens in someone else. For me, the worst thing is to be crowded. The more pressure, the more likely I'll withdraw. Most of us come around if we're left a lone for a while.

It's funny because I will say things like "I'm so mad right now," or "I hate this," or "This pisses me off," but only when I'm not angry, just upset. If I was angry someone would likely never know. Anger in myself is a place I take seriously. I talk in extremes generally because that is how I learned to talk, my feelings are not that way. I generally say "I hate" a lot which for some people is one of those words that is reserved for the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of everything. I use it to signify a more general dislike of something. As in, "I hate lemon meringue pie." (true story)

11-24-2011, 08:23 AM	#1
HoustonHuny Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Single Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: On the Beach Posts: 212 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 144 Thanked 461 Times in 136 Posts Rep Power: 8526085	One of my favorite anger quotes In a controversy the instant we feel anger we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.Buddha Years ago, I took a conflict management for women course for my job. I learned that conflict is inevitable and if you repress your anger or hold it in, it will come out eventually as passive-aggressive behavior. So, I try to get it out on the table and talk about it, keeping in mind the above quote.

11-24-2011, 10:18 AM	#2
Gemme Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: Queer Stone Femme Girl of the Unicorn Variety Preferred Pronoun?: She, as in 'She's a GEM' Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: The roads are narrow here Posts: 36,631 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 182,498 Thanked 107,971 Times in 25,664 Posts Rep Power: 21474888	Oh, boy. This is a loaded topic for me. I am Italian, with the traditional temperament that accompanies that bloodline. I have also had some really horrible examples growing up of communication styles. I've done a lot of work and I'm much better than I was in my youth but I've still got a long way to go. I can honestly say that I will always be 'high strung' and 'excitable' but I do hope to find better ways to communicate without alienating my partner and/or making an ass out of myself. The little stuff is like a firework for me. Sizzle for a second, then boom and it's all over. The big stuff that is incredibly meaningful to me simmers like a big pot of sauce (gravy for the old schoolers) until, over a long period of time, it boils over. Everyone involved gets some of the splatter in that case. When I hold things in, whether intentionally or by conditioning, when the snapping point comes, it comes hard and fast and I can't measure it. So, I can't say that I need to step away or if I recognize that it's coming and I try to walk away, it's too late. Diarrhea of the mouth. I can get out the little stuff on my own and without incident, most of the time. I mutter in the car or put on my headset (not in the car, at home or on break at work) and let the music soothe the savage beast. Sometimes, little stuff becomes big stuff. I'm difficult to live with. I know this and I try to keep that in mind, especially since Ebon and I have such different living styles. When I'm single, I'm very neat and tidy. I don't leave dishes in the sink unless they've been rinsed but are soaking, I don't leave clothes on the floor, I don't let the carpet go for more than 2-3 without a vacuum, etc. Living with someone who is not as much of a tidy person is frustrating for both of us. We both make concessions. However, when the same limit is pushed over and over, no matter how little it is, it becomes big and thus my response grows in size and volume. I admit that I am a yeller. I don't start out that way. If I felt that I am heard and that my opinion matters, then that keeps things positive and the volume down. If I feel as if I'm talking to a brick wall over and over an over again, I'm going to get pissed. I'm going to get super frustrated and I'm going to eventually start yelling, because....at that time....I feel as if maybe that's the only way to be acknowledged. I know that I am a very flawed human being. Having said that though, you all should have seen me BEFORE I did the work I did. It wasn't pretty. __________________ Gemme's Journal I'm misunderestimated.

11-24-2011, 11:20 AM	#4
WomenMoveMe Member How Do You Identify?: I just wander about and be! Relationship Status: Caution: Dead End Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Kentucky Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,473 Thanked 2,100 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	The Quiet Storm... It has been awhile for me in that I have been single for many years and therefore have no one that is close enough to govern my mood. However...I have never been one to get angry...but rather...I get disappointed. I do not yell. I do not throw things. I do not utter words designed to hurt as they are left there hanging in our hearts and minds. Never to be forgotten...and unable to be stricken from the record. When at odds with my partner...she would rake me over the coals...and I would listen. When she had her say...I either apologized for my idiotic behaviors...or attempted to defend myself. Regardless the situation...it was done calmly and with mutual respect. Should we find ourselves unable to rectify our turmoil at that moment...I would drive. I would tell her I was going for a drive and would return when my thoughts had been sorted. She knew this and would often hand me the car keys with instructions to 'go think'. This offered me time to allow issues to marinate...and she was amenable to this method. While she sometimes needed to raise her voice...she came to understand I did not and I like to think she liked that about me. I was very lucky to have had one that so understood I was a calm..quiet...thinking sort. She knew I was not one given to overt displays of anger or disappointment and allowed me the time needed to attempt to see both sides of the issue. I understand the differences in which people communicate. I hope one day...should I be lucky enough to love again...I will find one that affords me the 'comfortable argument' (that sounds strange doesn't it?). If not...I suppose I will just have to avoid moronic behaviors and disappointment...in both myself...and her. Should be do-able right?

11-24-2011, 11:45 AM	#5
ruby_woo Member How Do You Identify?: queer femme Preferred Pronoun?: her/she Relationship Status: single Join Date: Dec 2009 Location: Vancouver, BC Posts: 427 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,848 Thanked 1,941 Times in 376 Posts Rep Power: 17615392	not perfect If I'm angry, I need time to walk away and sort my thoughts out. Usually the first thing I want to do is figure out whether or not what I'm angry about...is actually worth being angry about. If it is, I need to be able to think it out before speaking about it. Trying to get me to talk before I'm ready will only result in bitchy, passive aggressive comments. Unfortunately, years of my family telling me I'm "too sensitive" has led to me thinking it's all in my head, so I don't express anger often and frequently when I do, I blow up. This method works about as well as you'd expect- not at all.

11-24-2011, 11:02 PM	#7
NorCalStud Member How Do You Identify?: gaea's Daddy and Fiance Preferred Pronoun?: Ours Relationship Status: Engaged with gaea:-) Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Island Mountain Posts: 440 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,630 Thanked 1,465 Times in 359 Posts Rep Power: 18918588	Sometimes I have a problem. If it is a trigger...one of my triggers? The dam wall breaks and I react from deep pain. If it isnt an issue ..? I can handle whatever with a cool head. I am now learning to be less punitive with my affirmations. Instead of leaving a note for myself saying. "Dont say things you will regret" I have one that says "admit feeling vulnerable about something" __________________ "Love the questions" ...Rainier Marie Rilke...Letters to a young poet Che

11-24-2011, 10:56 AM	#3
Dominique Member How Do You Identify?: Female/Lesbian/half the athlete I used to be Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: Dates Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: So proud to be a Pittsburgher Posts: 1,484 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,645 Thanked 3,730 Times in 1,166 Posts Rep Power: 21474853	It depends on who I am trying to communicate with. If it's my partner, and I am really angry, I usually cry and talk at the same time. A lot gets accomplished. (sarcasm) If I am in a professional setting. I become quiet. Walk away, and compose myself, and my thoughts, so the crying while talking does not happen. Things in between, my non verbals usually let the other person (or people) know I'm excited. My face becomes red, my eyes get big and in general I have more animation. I say what I have to say and I get over it quickly. On the telephone, surprisingly, I maintain complete composure. I had too many years of people doing the telephone bravado stuff on me. I made many mental notes to never do that to a person. Honey gets more flies than vinegar (idiom). It's true.

11-24-2011, 09:39 PM	#6
Sassy Member How Do You Identify?: Female Relationship Status: Together Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: In the sunshine Posts: 598 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 815 Thanked 1,929 Times in 460 Posts Rep Power: 19641163	Thank you all for your comments, they were well written and insightful and helpful. My SO and I have such a good thing going. But we definitely react differently with our anger. It scared the bejeezus out of me the first time I really ever saw her get good-n-mad -- I'd never been around anyone who allowed themselves to get LOUD and/or verbal when they were angry -- too many past relationships were the brooding, silent, passive aggressive types.

11-25-2011, 07:41 AM	#8
KimbaYLRF Junior Member How Do You Identify?: I originally posted femme, but not quite I am femme. Maybe a 'tweener. Relationship Status: On the way to being single Join Date: Nov 2011 Location: MA Posts: 61 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 149 Thanked 331 Times in 48 Posts Rep Power: 3875346	I don't get angry at the other person. I turn it inward and usually hurt myself as I cry and sputter to myself calling myself all sorts of names. There are times I just don't say or do anything. I won't do the ignoring route because that is how my mom is and I know how it feels to be not spoken to or even acknowledged for a day or longer. __________________ This is life, not heaven, you do not have to be perfect.

12-30-2011, 08:49 PM	#12
sarahwho Member How Do You Identify?: lonely femme.... Preferred Pronoun?: her/she Relationship Status: single - I quit Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: Ohio Posts: 232 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 80 Thanked 152 Times in 69 Posts Rep Power: 2722345	Hmmm, how to explain. If it's my mother or my son, I yell. There is something about their personalities that makes my blood boil and I blow - like dropping nitro - boom! At work.......I get super, super quiet. But I tend to have a bite to any comments I make for several hours. If pushed continually, I snap at them, and then leave so that I can cry. I always cry after I get mad, always! Other people, I just shut up! I get super, super quiet and back off! In a relationship, I tend to panic and get away from the situation as fast as possible until I "deem" it safe to return. I guess I am a complicated person sometimes.....sigh. __________________ You will find a girl prettier than me, smarter than me, and funnier than me, but you will never find a girl just like me.

12-30-2011, 09:02 PM	#13
sylvie Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Mr Mtn's babygirl Preferred Pronoun?: girly, she Relationship Status: fiercely protected ♥ Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Moving home in OR with Him VERY soooon !! Posts: 2,548 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 4,834 Thanked 7,501 Times in 1,850 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	When i get angry about something, i step away from the situation or the person a bit and get myself back together.. i'm not a fighter, so for me i tend to figure it all out on the inside, and then i deal with the situation rationally, somehow.. if i can make peace or find forgiveness, that's what i work for.. But, if i can't, rather than stew in the stress or negativity of it, i will distance myself and move forward when that is possible.. But in terms of defending myself or the ones i love, then i will voice myself and then i'll shake it off, embrace the ones i love & defend and move forward.. i just don't have room in my life for anger, or dwelling on it.. i forgive easily in most instances.. Life is short.. And if i can't forgive it must be something big and probably is something i need to step away from altogether.. __________________ my Mantra: i am letting go of angers, continuing to find forgiveness, welcoming inner peace & deserving of it all. my facebook weight loss page: http://www.facebook.com/asyllyjourney

12-30-2011, 09:19 PM	#14
Hollylane Practically Lives Here How Do You Identify?: . Preferred Pronoun?: . Relationship Status: . Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: . Posts: 11,495 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 34,694 Thanked 26,359 Times in 5,875 Posts Rep Power: 21474862	Never go to bed angry......

12-30-2011, 09:22 PM	#15
scootebaby Timed Out How Do You Identify?: yes dear Preferred Pronoun?: she Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: south florida Posts: 2,494 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,264 Thanked 6,737 Times in 1,777 Posts Rep Power: 0	i prefer to be left alone until i can get things under control....sadly most ppl wanna just keep pushing and pushing til i lose my damn mind...yelling and screaming...storming off,slamming doors....its not a pretty site!

12-30-2011, 09:38 PM	#16
bright_arrow ☆ the stars are aligned ☆ How Do You Identify?: one queer mama Preferred Pronoun?: she/her Relationship Status: married to my Boo Daddy <3 Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: nor cal Posts: 2,910 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 3,644 Thanked 9,363 Times in 2,296 Posts Rep Power: 21474854	More often than not I keep it to myself, and fume/huff/zone out while I cope with it. Some things I need to hash over in my mind, others I will keep quiet but still continue with the hostile vibes.. very rarely do I come right out at that instant and bring it to the forefront. I stay quiet because I have to look it over and see, is it me and my mood today? Or was it something the other person should not have done? Today is a good example. I woke up on the 'wrong side' of the bed + cramps + sore body from working out = grumpy bitch. Anything that I can ignore on a good day set me off in an instant. Loud/repetitive noises really grind on me and there are cases where I put on headphones or go in another room and read to try and curb my moodiness. I think we all need our own "re-charge time", and if I spend all my time doing stuff without the occasional day in, pajama's, no need to go anywhere, I get frazzled. Eventually it builds until I snap I don't want to speak entirely for my partner but I will say that hy has a temper, and when hy snaps hy gets loud. I do not respond well to people who do - I instantly shut down and look for the closest escape..however, there are the few instances where I get snarky passive-aggressive.. I will have to mull over it to see why there are the differences.

01-26-2012, 12:51 AM	#18
adorable Member How Do You Identify?: Sarcastically Preferred Pronoun?: She Relationship Status: Unavailable Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Home of the Yankee's Posts: 752 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,708 Thanked 2,643 Times in 590 Posts Rep Power: 12725119	This is such an interesting thread. Anger is one of those things that for me, is not an emotion by itself, rather the combination of other emotions. Usually, based in some sort of fear and combined with something else. If I am angry, really angry, I get quiet. I am one of those people that doesn't act on it. Luckily, it's rare that I ever get angry about something. No good ever comes from a place of anger. Being heated or upset is a different story. Actual anger is more of a demon where rational thought is lost. The older I get, the more I see everything as choices and feel less need for discussion. Normally, I am likely to say what I'm thinking right at the moment that I feel it. Not always such a great idea generally. In that moment though, it's what I happened to think. In anger, that would be the worst thing to ever do. There are times that not speaking is far better than talking things through. And I'm fond of just letting things go. Sometimes, you both just really had a bad day and it wasn't more or less or something to be read into. When I feel the need to talk things through, because I like to analyze behavior, I generally need to cut that out. lol. No matter what I'm feeling, the best thing for me is to get quiet and sort myself out internally. When I am attempting (in a relationship) to get another person to talk to me, it's usually because I want to hear what they're thinking and change it to suit me. It's a control issue, not a discussion. One that keeps the focus off of me, where it should be. I spent several years with someone who was unable (which is different than unwilling) to discuss or process feelings at all. What I discovered was that it didn't matter. Honestly, how we feel at one moment can be entirely different then how we are going to feel tomorrow at the exact same time. Sleep alone changes things. I usually know (thank you therapy) immediately what I'm feeling and the best way for ME to process that. Everyone is different. My thinking that people process like I do isn't fair or true. Anger is also fleeting. A feeling that passes, like all other feelings, AS LONG AS, I don't act on it. Unlike other feelings, it's one that by acting on it, will create more feelings. It's easy to go from a dust storm to a tornado and not know how you got there. I stop it when the dust starts to rise. It's not complicated for me. I just cut it out and don't go there. I can shut down completely. I have control over that today, that ability to chose when and where, which some people think is a bad thing. Not me. It also means that I can see it when it happens in someone else. For me, the worst thing is to be crowded. The more pressure, the more likely I'll withdraw. Most of us come around if we're left a lone for a while. It's funny because I will say things like "I'm so mad right now," or "I hate this," or "This pisses me off," but only when I'm not angry, just upset. If I was angry someone would likely never know. Anger in myself is a place I take seriously. I talk in extremes generally because that is how I learned to talk, my feelings are not that way. I generally say "I hate" a lot which for some people is one of those words that is reserved for the lowest of the lowest of the lowest of everything. I use it to signify a more general dislike of something. As in, "I hate lemon meringue pie." (true story)