Original Bad Prose or Stories!

Cin · 01-02-2012, 05:57 PM

Not sure exactly what works in here but I think this fits the bill for very bad prose:

I had been waiting for this moment for all eternity and would have waited for a thousand forevers if it came to that and consider myself fortunate for the speed of it all and now that it was here I planned to slow down time and make it last that eternity that I had waited so patiently for and as my sword of plenty entered her vacuum of need I wondered just how long forever could be.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-02-2012, 06:00 PM

I actually entered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest (the yearly challenge to compose the opening sentence of the worst of all possible novels) twice:

“Say you’ll marry me”, pleaded the furnace repair man as he gazed down at Big Thelma who beamed up at him from bended knees, silently thanking her lucky stars that she’d forgotten to put her teeth in.

“That’s life” she said to everyone in general and no one in particular as she sucked back the last of her bourbon & branch and thoughtfully twirled a strand of her moustache through her fingers.

*Anya* · 01-02-2012, 06:28 PM

She loved her eyes, though one was blue and other, a shade of Harlequin green that at one angle almost appeared yellow, so she always tried to remember to turn her head to the right when people looked at her, so then that eye did appear more green but it hurt her neck to always tilt her head at an 80 degree angle and it was still a problem because people never quite knew if they should look into her green eye or her blue, so instead they tried to look at her nose but since it had been fractured and never properly set, her nose tilted to the left and it was so confusing, people would turn around and walk away, rather than have to deal with such a vexing situation.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-02-2012, 08:10 PM

Her lower lip quivered and her creamy bosom heaved in time with her hopes as they rose and fell while she waited delicately perched on the edge of what could be a dream but might break her heart depending on whether or not she heard the words “will you accept this rose?”

Cin · 01-02-2012, 11:02 PM

I Wanna Write Bad Things With You.

Some might say it had ended before it began. That it never had a chance. That it went sour like bad wine. You might think the bad taste in my mouth would have stopped me. But it didn’t. I could never read the writing on the wall, being illiterate and all. Maybe if I had learned to read; or maybe if I had been more interested in wine tasting lessons. If I was just a little smarter, I could have understood an end when I saw one. Maybe when you slashed my tires it should have ended. But instead I just bought more tires. Maybe when you shot my dog I could have stopped it then. But I didn’t. I cleaned up the mess and buried my pooch, my tears washing away the blood and dirt from my face. Maybe that should have been the end. Well it was for Rover. But I was always the dumber animal between the two of us. Maybe when you ran me down with your car that should have ended it. But I always hated to read things into stuff, especially since I can’t read. And after all I am prone to over analyzing. I was still trying to figure out what you were trying to tell me when you jumped off that building smashing yourself to a bloody pulp against the concrete below. Perhaps if you hadn’t ended it, I could have figured out what you were trying to say.

Truly Scrumptious · 01-03-2012, 10:04 AM

He liked to call her his little bunny, because she was small and very soft, but also called her “honey bunny” or sometimes “bunny face” because of the way her nose crinkled when she was struggling with a decision about something important like chocolate or vanilla, or sometimes “bunny wabbit” when he was feeling particularly tender and which, quite frankly, she adored. She called him Sam because that was his name and because she wanted to be the only one with cute nicknames and also because she just wasn’t that creative and couldn’t come up with anything other than “honey Sam” or “Sam face” or “Sam wabbit”, which just didn’t sound right to her.

WomenMoveMe · 01-03-2012, 10:56 AM

As he sat there, listening to her voice, screeching at him, he wondered why exactly it was he could hear her? Surely this was a voice intended only for canines! He looked around the small kitchen as she railed on and on about the new Walmart and what a blessing from heaven it truly was.

He began to daydream about the different ways he could stifle that Godawful voice. For a quick moment he thought of just doing her in with the cast iron skillet, but he was hungry and did not want to waste the perfectly good meal that lay therein. He considered sticking her head in the electric can-opener and letting that thing take a spin or two. Yeah, the can-opener! That was the way to go! Nah, while he thought it great fun to imagine, he couldn't kill her. Who would make his dinner? Who would make sure he wore clean, mended clothes? Who would feed the animals, the children, the endless procession of Jesus people that came a-prayin' most every day? Besides, he was a lazy man lacking in the motivation to brush his teeth, much less make the effort it would take to put a hurtin' on her.

He sat looking at the woman who had cared for him for 35 years, trying to tune out the shrieking instrument that was her voice. Finally it dawned on him, it was so easy he was surprised he had not thought of it long ago. Taking a brussel sprout in each hand he shoved them in to his ears. Silence!! It was glorious silence. It was then he, the man who would not deign to move were a train racing toward him, slowly rose from his chair and walked to the refrigerator. He picked up a pen and wrote at the bottom of the grocery list.....busal poots lauts uv busal poots.

01-02-2012, 05:57 PM	#1
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,815 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,408 Times in 2,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	Not sure exactly what works in here but I think this fits the bill for very bad prose: I had been waiting for this moment for all eternity and would have waited for a thousand forevers if it came to that and consider myself fortunate for the speed of it all and now that it was here I planned to slow down time and make it last that eternity that I had waited so patiently for and as my sword of plenty entered her vacuum of need I wondered just how long forever could be. __________________ The reason facts don’t change most people’s opinions is because most people don’t use facts to form their opinions. They use their opinions to form their “facts.” Neil Strauss

01-02-2012, 06:28 PM	#3
Anya Infamous Member How Do You Identify?: Lesbian non-stone femme Preferred Pronoun?: She, her Relationship Status: Committed to being good to myself Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: West Coast Posts: 8,258 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 39,306 Thanked 40,454 Times in 7,284 Posts Rep Power: 21474858	Bad, bad writing She loved her eyes, though one was blue and other, a shade of Harlequin green that at one angle almost appeared yellow, so she always tried to remember to turn her head to the right when people looked at her, so then that eye did appear more green but it hurt her neck to always tilt her head at an 80 degree angle and it was still a problem because people never quite knew if they should look into her green eye or her blue, so instead they tried to look at her nose but since it had been fractured and never properly set, her nose tilted to the left and it was so confusing, people would turn around and walk away, rather than have to deal with such a vexing situation. __________________ ~Anya~ Democracy Dies in Darkness ~Washington Post "...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable." UN Human Rights commissioner

01-02-2012, 11:02 PM	#5
Cin Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Preferred Pronoun?: she Relationship Status: Truly Madly Deeply Join Date: Aug 2011 Location: In My Head Posts: 2,815 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 6,333 Thanked 10,408 Times in 2,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I Wanna Write Bad Things With You. Some might say it had ended before it began. That it never had a chance. That it went sour like bad wine. You might think the bad taste in my mouth would have stopped me. But it didn’t. I could never read the writing on the wall, being illiterate and all. Maybe if I had learned to read; or maybe if I had been more interested in wine tasting lessons. If I was just a little smarter, I could have understood an end when I saw one. Maybe when you slashed my tires it should have ended. But instead I just bought more tires. Maybe when you shot my dog I could have stopped it then. But I didn’t. I cleaned up the mess and buried my pooch, my tears washing away the blood and dirt from my face. Maybe that should have been the end. Well it was for Rover. But I was always the dumber animal between the two of us. Maybe when you ran me down with your car that should have ended it. But I always hated to read things into stuff, especially since I can’t read. And after all I am prone to over analyzing. I was still trying to figure out what you were trying to tell me when you jumped off that building smashing yourself to a bloody pulp against the concrete below. Perhaps if you hadn’t ended it, I could have figured out what you were trying to say. __________________ The reason facts don’t change most people’s opinions is because most people don’t use facts to form their opinions. They use their opinions to form their “facts.” Neil Strauss

01-03-2012, 10:04 AM	#6
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,780 Times in 557 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Somebunny and Sam He liked to call her his little bunny, because she was small and very soft, but also called her “honey bunny” or sometimes “bunny face” because of the way her nose crinkled when she was struggling with a decision about something important like chocolate or vanilla, or sometimes “bunny wabbit” when he was feeling particularly tender and which, quite frankly, she adored. She called him Sam because that was his name and because she wanted to be the only one with cute nicknames and also because she just wasn’t that creative and couldn’t come up with anything other than “honey Sam” or “Sam face” or “Sam wabbit”, which just didn’t sound right to her.

01-02-2012, 06:00 PM	#2
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,780 Times in 557 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	I actually entered the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction contest (the yearly challenge to compose the opening sentence of the worst of all possible novels) twice: “Say you’ll marry me”, pleaded the furnace repair man as he gazed down at Big Thelma who beamed up at him from bended knees, silently thanking her lucky stars that she’d forgotten to put her teeth in. “That’s life” she said to everyone in general and no one in particular as she sucked back the last of her bourbon & branch and thoughtfully twirled a strand of her moustache through her fingers.

01-02-2012, 08:10 PM	#4
Truly Scrumptious Member How Do You Identify?: Femme Relationship Status: She's my mirror twin, my next of kin Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Entre Lajeunesse et la sagesse Posts: 667 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 2,047 Thanked 1,780 Times in 557 Posts Rep Power: 21474849	Her lower lip quivered and her creamy bosom heaved in time with her hopes as they rose and fell while she waited delicately perched on the edge of what could be a dream but might break her heart depending on whether or not she heard the words “will you accept this rose?”

01-03-2012, 10:56 AM	#7
WomenMoveMe Member How Do You Identify?: I just wander about and be! Relationship Status: Caution: Dead End Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: Kentucky Posts: 561 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 1,473 Thanked 2,099 Times in 417 Posts Rep Power: 21474850	As he sat there, listening to her voice, screeching at him, he wondered why exactly it was he could hear her? Surely this was a voice intended only for canines! He looked around the small kitchen as she railed on and on about the new Walmart and what a blessing from heaven it truly was. He began to daydream about the different ways he could stifle that Godawful voice. For a quick moment he thought of just doing her in with the cast iron skillet, but he was hungry and did not want to waste the perfectly good meal that lay therein. He considered sticking her head in the electric can-opener and letting that thing take a spin or two. Yeah, the can-opener! That was the way to go! Nah, while he thought it great fun to imagine, he couldn't kill her. Who would make his dinner? Who would make sure he wore clean, mended clothes? Who would feed the animals, the children, the endless procession of Jesus people that came a-prayin' most every day? Besides, he was a lazy man lacking in the motivation to brush his teeth, much less make the effort it would take to put a hurtin' on her. He sat looking at the woman who had cared for him for 35 years, trying to tune out the shrieking instrument that was her voice. Finally it dawned on him, it was so easy he was surprised he had not thought of it long ago. Taking a brussel sprout in each hand he shoved them in to his ears. Silence!! It was glorious silence. It was then he, the man who would not deign to move were a train racing toward him, slowly rose from his chair and walked to the refrigerator. He picked up a pen and wrote at the bottom of the grocery list.....busal poots lauts uv busal poots.